Domestic Violence – Cure Has Been Found!

This is great! Like two scoops or raisins!
The greatest news from specialists at the “Mayo Labs” has been released yesterday, and we’re glad to be one of the first people to bring it to you, thanks to use completely disregarding our NDA!

Since the beginning of time, or rather 1994 in America, we’ve been doing everything we can to end domestic violence by calling attention to it with special laws. We’ve originally believed the issue was deep routed psychological issues, or even a learned behavior from previous generations. All the research in the world didn’t seem to help. That is until now! What is this miracle cure which is guaranteed to stop any and all domestic violence? Here it is:

Shut the Fuck Up!

Yep. That’s it! Think about how simple an instruction this is. You’d think everything would be much more complicated, but the facts prove it really isn’t. Checking with current and former domestic violence victims we can see everything stems from not just keeping their mouth shut unless asked directly for a response…and even then it might be better to just shut up.

The Core Principle
At its core the principle is simple and yet complicated. As human beings, we’re conditioned to speak with others and even provide responses. Those of us who have been wronged are often found trying to find defense with our words. This faulted evolutionary trait must be fought and controlled if we are to continue to evolve as a species while also ending domestic violence.

Imagine this scenario:
Your husband/boyfriend/brother/guy friend comes home and he’s already in a bad mood. He has a history of knocking in your teeth for being a “disrespectful bitch” and he is expecting, not only a nice dinner, but a deep vacuum of the entire place. You managed to get a 100% perfect job on vacuuming the carpet, but the broccoli is slightly cold in the middle, meaning you didn’t cook it well enough.

Man – “What the fuck is this?!”
You – “Dinner…”
Man – “No! THIS IS SHIT! It’s FROZEN in the middle!”
You – “I did it the way…”

Suddenly he jumps across the table and punches your stupid face into the ground.

This was your fault. You didn’t keep your mouth shut! You shouldn’t have said anything.

Now let’s look at how you should have handled the same situation, but keeping your mouth shut:

Man – “What the fuck is this?!”
You – “…”
Man – “You fucking IGNORING ME?!”
You – “…”
Man – “YOU DISRESPECTFUL BITCH!”

Suddenly he jumps across the table, grabs you by the throat for a second and then stops sighing.

Man – “At least you did the fucking vacuuming! I’m going out for dinner. Eat your shit or starve!”

He then leaves, bangs a random bar slut, gets an STD, and then fucks your brains out later that night to assert his dominance. You are in a much better position this time!

Psychology of the Cure
The only psychology involved is your own. Keeping your mouth shut takes tremendous mental strength. By doing exercises such as no longer speaking to friends and family nor communicating with anyone at all, you can eventually learn to keep your mouth shut unless specifically asked to respond. Even when asked to respond, you should know exactly what is expected of you. This can take years, so getting out of the relationship just because you’re weak is ill advised.

Testimonials from the Participants
We’ve acquired some testimonials from participants of the original study for your reading pleasure. You’ll see the subject’s names and read their experience with it all, including how long it lasted before hand.


Name: Sarah McKennis
Nationality: Irish
Current Residence: Missouri
Results According to Subject:
My husband, Mitchell, was one of the hardest hitters I had ever been with. He would beat me until I would fall unconscious constantly. No matter what the conversation was about, it would end with me getting slugged in the face like it was there for visible punctuation. The exclamation marks were his favorite. His cock though…oh my god! It’s the biggest reason I didn’t leave him, and besides, I’m a strong woman and not a quitter.

When I heard of this study I told Mitchell. “GOOD!” he told me and busted my face open so deeply I ended up with six staples across my face from biting a hole in my own face. I didn’t even wait for my mistake to heal and went straight to the study.

How are things now? Well, I’ve learned to keep my mouth closed and only speak when I should be replying. As for why I’m in this hospital bed giving my evaluation…well…I forgot to check attitude at the door when he made a comment about feeling old. Rule number one is to shut the fuck up, and I didn’t. I told him it’s okay if he gets old and I still love him. My mistake! However, the study still stands and I give it a 100%


Name: Timmy Ashford
Nationality: American
Current Residence: New Mexico
Results According to Subject:
Stephen is my step-dad. Well, he’s my step-dad in the sense he’s always having sex with my mother, lives with us, eats all our food, drinks all day, refuses to marry my mom and give me a father in a proper family setting, all the while beating my ass raw. I used to be a bad kid, but now I know my place. I no longer make the same mistakes as so many of my friends do. He even lets me call him Stephen now and not “Master”.

What started me in the trial is when Stephen had been asking me to clean my room five or six times in a single day. Like I said, I was a bad kid in those days, and refused to do anything he said because I was angry at him for just being around. So, after the fifth or sixth time of him screaming for me to clean up my room, I yelled back, “FUCK YOU STEPHEN! You’re not even my real dad!” You can imagine the three hour beating with a belt, a hot curling iron, and his fists. He got so tired my mother even had to take over beating me when he broke his hands on my ass!

My mommy had enough of my attitude and couldn’t take the stress anymore, just knowing I would continue to make Stephen mad, so she looked through the papers on where she could take me. She stumbled upon the trial and enrolled me right away. I got time away from Stephen and learned to keep my mouth shut for my own good!

A+ program and I highly suggest all other bad kids, which is all kids, to enroll!


Name: Tiffany-Sage Haddler
Nationality: British
Current Residence: Idaho
Results According to Subject:
My mummy always wants me to wear bright colours and act as a lady, but I just didn’t like it all too much. Mummy does know what is best, but in my silly head I could just not see that as a fact and I acted up just like all these spoiled American brats. No longer do I, however!

I would talk back to my mummy and ask her what she knew, and the result would be immediate and severe slaps among my face and fanny. She would constantly ask me how I would ever expect to please a husband if I spoke back all the time. My daft reasoning was that I did not want to be a stay at home mummy like mummy, who earned money by bringing in strange men and making me watch so they would both pay more and finish faster. Oh, what a sod I was!

Thanks to this program, I now know a proper woman is seen and not heard. She does exactly that and more. The more is what my mummy teaches me. I now have the skills and education early enough to carry me throughout my adult life in order to become a proper lady of the house!

I will raise many cups of tea in the honour of this program!


Name: Julian Nielson
Nationality: Ameri-queer
Current Residence: Gay Bay
Results According to Subject:
Mmmm…my name is Julian, but call me Sally RoughRider! I love long walks on the beach, blonds, and butt sex! Tee hee!!!! I know this isn’t a dating service, you giggly gooses!

My life partner, Bruce, who I always call “OH damn! THAT MAN!!!!” in a loving way, used to break a foot off in my ass, and I don’t mean in a fun gay way. Oh no. He’d kick the shit out of me almost every time I opened my whore mouth. That was the problem, you see, since as a gay man I don’t know when to shut up. It’s just genetics, and you can’t fight genetics, but you can control your nasty habits like talking all the time.

The last straw was when Bruce came home drunk and stinking of both strange men and vagina. Trust me, you can tell the difference in that smell! Well, once again I opened my stupid whore mouth and he beat me to the point of needing medical treatment for damn near a month. While laying out in the hospital, he was reading me the obituaries to remind me I could end up in there, when I caught a glimpse of this trial and knew I needed help.

Now I only open my mouth to suck dick! Great improvement! Much love!

I ♥ (‿|‿)!


There you have it, everyone! Keep your fucking mouth shut if you don’t want to get your ass beat by your significant other. Doesn’t just work for normal people and women: It’s obviously great for gays and children, too!

Know your place!

Democrats might actually have it right for America

Hilary Clinton wins Presidency in Hell!
Turns out, the democrats might actually be on to something with the way they want to run the country. It’s hard for me to admit I’m wrong, so I’m not going to, especially since this is mostly just a thesis at this time. Hear me out and I will guide you into the enlightenment much like Marx did for all of Russia.

While Donald Trump is claiming he wants to make America great again, he’s not doing it in a way the democrats are. You see, the democrats know when America was great and what really made America great: Oppression and segregation of all mud races. KKK? Democrats started it. Segregation? Democrats made it happen. Slavery? Democrats ratified it and fought to keep it. Jim Crow? Democratically created. Government housing and subjugation of minorities? Democrats. Nazis? Left wing, “progressive” (aka Democrat) party. When was America great? When we had those darkies, wet backs, and all them other non-whites under the white man’s thumb. Donald Trump doesn’t want that…he wants to make America strong through hard work, fair international laws, and making people liable for their actions. Screw that when we can just blame the system and the minorities!

Another problem with America right now is it’s still the most appealing place in the world compared to all the other shit countries. Those lazy Mexicants wouldn’t keep coming here if the rich man in the neighborhood was just like where they came from: Owning a three legged goat. Also those dune coons, not to be confused with full on porch monkeys, wouldn’t want to keep bombing and murdering here if we were so financially destroyed that we didn’t want to spread the idea of freedom anymore. This is where the democrats have it right!

See, democrats are smart in the way they’re going to enslave non-whites. They’ve learned over the years people won’t put up with slapping chains on a nigger or beating a Mexican to near death in order to make him work. So, instead, the democrats are smart by making government programs forcing working people, ie the whites, pay them for not doing anything and encouraging them to do nothing. How is this enslaving them? Well, it once again puts them in dependence of the white man who has all the money to distribute. Once the white man once again decides they’re not going to take it anymore, the spear chuckers, sand niggers, spics, and others won’t have any skills in which to get a job to earn their own money, and will be so pathetic they’ll have to do whatever a white dude says in order to make a quarter. Fucking BRILLIANT!

Taking away the guns in America ensures only the criminals will use arms and will terrorize the majority of the citizens, just like down in Mexico where the cartels take over entire towns, rape anyone they feel like, and make people want to flee to America. When it’s happening here, why come here? It keeps people from wanting to come here illegally since there’s no reason to come here at all!

So, yeah, we all have democrats figured wrong. Before anyone gets really upset, remember, I’m a democrat now, so I can say these things. Fuck you, republicans for causing a slow death to America. At least we’re honest in our racism and hate for freedom.

What the shit do I have to do? (s)

So, it’s come to my attention several websites are blocked through network organizations such as Maraki or Apple stores for different reasons. One of these reasons is the classification of “Tasteless”. Some of these sites might be somewhat understandable, such as Ogrish, even if you don’t agree, but then there are others, such as Newgrounds, which don’t seem to fit. This brings me to my problem: Why the fuck am I not on there?

From what I can tell, there isn’t much difference between my writings and what are on most of those sites, especially the like of Something Awful or even Maddox. Sure you might argue the popularity or even writing style, but I swear I’ve stated some much more offensive things for the only reason of shocking someone. I’m kind of offended through all of my effort I haven’t been blocked on any of these filters yet. Hell, even in High School I had my Internet privileges revoked for a site I made which was hosted on the school server. I mean, I was still able to bypass all their security measures and use the Internet at school under a general user and password, but still.

Basically my goal has become this: By the end of the year, I want to be banned from viewing my own WordPress at work and/or on other networks, such as in an Apple store or even from Maraki in general.

This is going to take work. First of all, I won’t be displaying porn or dick picks. Secondly, it’s going to take writing a lot more often and a lot more “offensively”. Third…I don’t know… Fourth is profit in the discontent I have brought upon the world. You kids would do well to remember you measure your impact on the world not by the joy you bring to a few people in your life, but the amount of pain, anguish, and displeasure you have wrought upon a great number of people through both direct and indirect actions!

If I fail, then you all fail, because this is where you all come in. You’re going to need to spread this WordPress like SARS in a Japanese apartment building or AIDs in a San Francisco bakery. (There. That right there is what I was talking about earlier!) Let’s get on my dick to ride this bitch into the sun and take out the entire solar system. I’d say I’m counting on you, but I know I can only count on myself.

Forward. To the end of the world as I braise it in holy fire!

Foodie Review – TGI Friday’s Ghost Pepper Wings (s) (t)

Before I really get into this review, let me introduce a new title modifier, the “(t)”! After talking to someone in person who reads my blog, I was told it was extremely difficult to tell when something on here is true. I can understand that. I’m a massively sarcastic asshole, so it can be difficult to tell when something is both true and serious. So, the “(t)” modifier tells you it’s true. The “(s)” still means it’s serious, which I figured covered true as well, but I guess it doesn’t have to include it.

Yes, this entry is both serious and true. I’m not writing satire. How I feel about these wings is true.

A quick history:
Growing up in Southern California allowed me to exposed to a lot of good cuisine. I was also able to sample a lot of different spices. I’m not shitting you when I say I’ve eaten some moronically hot stuff. When I would go into the garment district of L.A, my family and I would buy chorizo breakfast burritos so hot they would burn your eyes just walking up to the roach coach. Sure the Mexicans would laugh at us as we’d sweat and snot, but damn they were good! I eat both raw and cooked jalapenos like candy. I once had a teaspoon of hot sauce put directly into my mouth which was so hot you had to sign a waiver to buy it and it was required to be in glass to keep it from eating through the plastic. Yes, really. It literally ate a hole through the paper plate. It hurt and I will probably never eat it again. I regularly eat habanero hot wings, though I don’t shovel them into my mouth. Several of my friends can testify to watching me eating wasabi straight off of chop sticks with no problem. One friend can even testify to seeing me do that with the REAL wasabi you get in Japan which costs 100$ a pound.

I don’t seek out and devour hot stuff, but I like to be tested. I was hoping to be tested this day. I was not. My list goes from “no heat” (for example Del Taco’s Inferno sauce) to “fucking hot” (like a habanero). Before anyone says it, I’m not claiming to be a chili head nor someone who has a tough mouth.

In the same vain, it’s interesting to note CS gas doesn’t affect me, but pepper spray does. If it gets in my eyes anyway.


TGI Friday’s has brought back the changeable all you can eat appetizer awesomeness. It’s fucking amazing. Those pot stickers, baby…those pot stickers. Eat more than two plates and its paid for itself. The whole thing is one of the best deals they’ve ever done.

I was excited to see they added new items, even if most of them I’m not interested in. It’s good stuff, don’t get me wrong, as the bites I took from my wife’s plate were delicious, just not something I’d get for myself. While trying to decided what we’d order next for ourselves, I picked up the table topper and noticed the flavors of wings listed. My eyes lit up, my soul began to sing, and I pointed out they had ghost pepper wings!

My wife also got excited. Not because she was going to have any since anything hotter than a few splashes of red pepper makes her cry, but because she knew I could eat pretty hot food and wanted to see me do it. Yes, we’re strange, and that’s one of the reasons the marriage works. Sorry fan-girls. Please don’t commit suicide over this.

When the waitress asked what we wanted to put in for the next round of appetizers, I excitedly told her I wanted those ghost pepper wings. Now, in my mind I was expecting something mouth hurting. You know, somewhere between the Blazin flavor at BWW and a habanero sauce. Because, well, ghost peppers are very much hotter than a habenero and I consider those to be fucking hot at 100,000 to 350,000 Scoville.

When the ghost pepper wings arrived on the table, the smell stung my nose and my eyes a little. On top of these blood red wings covered in sauce were some jalapenos. As a joke I told my wife they were there to seem like they weren’t hot and were palette cleansers. Picking one up on a fork, I was excited. Taking a deep wiff my nose cleared and my eyes actually burned a very little bit.

Smiling, I took a bite and…meh. Now, don’t get me wrong, the flavor of these things is AMAZING. They are DELICIOUS. They are not, however, hot. I’d put them around my medium. I was very disappointed with the heat level.

Honestly, these need to be hotter. My wife believes they were toned down due to legal reasons, but I believe they aren’t really ghost pepper infused. See, the reason for this is because of the jalapenos on it. I think these are definitely hotter than their traditional wings, and they aren’t vinegary in the least, which I loved.

So, yes, they are very delicious and I would order them again any time, but if you’re looking for something hot, don’t look here. I know I’m in the minority with how hot I can eat (I’ve also eaten Thai chilis straight and claimed they were in my hot range for sure), but these just made me sad. Don’t get me wrong, I’m going to be crapping fire later…just not the blood I was expecting.

Should you get them? If you want to say you ate ghost chili wings and pretend you’re awesome to those who haven’t had them, do it. If you like hot food and want something with flavor, go for it without hesitation. My wife thought they were hot and coughed on them, but she sweats eating a chili rellano (poblano chilis are what they use) sometimes and those are only rated at 2000 Scoville.

Good food. Disappointing heat.

I don’t think I like Game of Thrones anymore…(s)

I don’t know if I want to keep watching Game of Thrones…

I mean…it’s one thing to throw convention to the wind and have the balls to kill off characters, but when you KEEP DOING IT…well, then it’s stupid.

At the end of season 5 (which would be the 3rd book) all except for like…one character is left from the start of the story, and not even a likable one. It’s a character you’d consider a major “bad guy” in the political intrigue part of it all, and she’s probably going to get killed here soon, anyway, too. Well, okay, “Dany” is still around and she’s not unlikable and Tyrion is awesome.

So, at this point, George R. R. Martin has been getting people to invest in characters through three books, which are literally six inches thick with a size of being 5″x7″(!!!!) and saying, “Yeah, we’re starting over with new characters who have been active in what’s going on, but you just didn’t know about them.” and I’m going, “Why should I give a fuck?”

Each episode is about 45min long without the flashback and credits, and each season is 10 episods long. There are 5 seasons. So, now, at this point, I’ve gone 37.5hrs with the charaters and it’s like, “Fuck you.”

So, more than likely, I won’t be watching season 6. Except for the constant floppy dick images and tit shots, I don’t know why this has such a huge fan base still.

—-
***typed with two chihuahua puppies in my lap

Letter from my HOA over my fireworks

Look, Fourth of July is freaking awesome.  Almost as awesome as Halloween, but not quite…so probably on level with Christmas.  What’s not to love about lighting things on fire legally?

Well, I have been celebrating all week with a combination of Jack Daniels, Dr. McGillicuddy’s, and fireworks.  Yeah, I’ve been that excited over the book and Fourth of July.  Not sharing my enthusiasm for America’s independence, my HOA, Soul Suck HOA, has issued me to stop!  Can you believe that?!

Man, I hate HOA’s…they suck so bad.  Here’s a scanned copy of that letter they sent me (click for a larger view in a separate window):
Soul Suck HOA hates July 4th!

Man…fuck those guys!  What nazis!  Also, a SAFE 4th?  Unless someone lights their hair on fire or looses a finger, my night isn’t complete!

Remember when game developers cared? (s)

When people remember the good ‘ole days, it’s usually just because of nostalgia and not because things actually were better.  Well, it may have been better for them as a whole, like when really old people remember when it was better with blacks “in their place”, but that’s not what I’m talking about here.  Not to say all old people or old people in generally are racist.  Look, I know how you people on the Internet do with your moronic white knighting.  Chill out.

What I’m talking about in this entry is when game developers actually cared and did something about cheating or problems with their games. Yeah, believe it or not, there was a time when game developers would actively police their games to ensure a quality experience. Yep, that goes as far as banning cheaters almost immediately. You also didn’t get banned or suspended for playing the single player modes in ways you wanted to, or in ways the developers didn’t intend. Hell, half the time the fun was finding ways to break the game in your favor.

These days with instant hot patching and always on internet access, game developers are punishing players for playing the way they want in the single player modes and forcing people into their shitfest-second fiddle-thrown in just so they can claim to have a multiplayer experience-hack filled multiplayer while not addressing the hacking nor cheating. Look, multiplayer can be great, but game developers need to stop focusing on it or adding it just for fuck all’s reason.

I remember when UbiSoft cared about their multiplayer with Far Cry 1. I can’t speak for FC2 since I never touched the MP part of it. When people would hack and cheat, UbiSoft would ban accounts and even CD Keys. Now? Nope. FC3 and FC4 are filled with hacks and what does UbiSoft do? Suggest you play with friends. When people were hacking on Counter Strike, what did the devs do? MASSIVE ban waves every week! Battlefield 4 is full of hackers and what does DiCE do? Tell you not to make it public, use the Battlelog to submit the report, and then if the player doesn’t affect the leaderboard, they ignore it. Report enough cheaters, with evidence, and YOUR account gets suspended! The hacking and not giving a shit about it by DiCE is so bad, even mentioning the presence of cheating on their forums or on Battlelog gets the post removed almost immediately and your account deactivated for a minimum of 3 days. WTF, guys?!

It’s not just the developers, either. When did people who paid for something stop giving a shit about how unusable it is? When did people who paid for something and had the power to regulate its use stop giving a shit? What is wrong with ALL OF YOU?!

When the Vato Loco Gang clan on Battlefield 3 had a server, we policed it every day. There is a reason we were ranked #3 in the world for favorites and people constantly fought to get into the server, begging for VIP access and even offering to pay for premium spots. Why? Because we ran it like the game SHOULD have been. We banned cheaters, kicked laggers, and made sure people were having FUN rather than dealing with cheating fucks. These days, people are putting up rules for their server, and then not doing anything about it when people hack, cheat, glitch, or go against the server rules. If you aren’t going to enforce fair play, then don’t buy a server.

Destiny is so full of hackers, the PvP is pointless to play, but guess what? Bungie sure as hell forces you to play it. Do they care about it? Yes and no. Fuck no from the point of you enjoying it or banning cheaters. Yes in the way they balance EVERYTHING in the game, which is MMO based, to cater to PvP’tards who cry. Bungie has shown how little they give a shit about the actual RPG aspect of their RPG side, since their changes have made the PvE section a massive struggle thanks to mind boggling weapon balances (in order to cater to PvP’tards who cry), while demonstrating, through their own patch notes, they can EASILY separate PvP and PvE weapon damage! Oh, but don’t worry, they are banning people…who are listed as “unhelpful” or “inactive” on strikes. Not cheating, not lagging, not hacking…but unhelpful… Fuck you, Bungie. Three times. No lube.

Yes, I am RAGING right now. I am beyond fucking pissed off. What the fuck is wrong with developers these days? They act like WE need THEM, when in reality THEY need US, especially with bloated budgets and lowing profit margins. Fuck you, assholes. Start policing your god damn games instead of waiting until all of your expansions are out to get the extra money.