Breast Cancer: Nature’s Lolcat

Breast Cancer is Nature's Lol Cat 1
Breast Cancer is Nature’s Lolcat

…according to the Susan B. Colmen Foundation, anyway. If you’re confused to what a lolcat is, it’s a meme in which an image macro of one or more cats has text that is idiosyncratic and grammatically shit. They’re also considered the number one most hilarious jokes ever created on the Internet, standing the tried and true test of time. Even ancient Egyptians had lolcats, going so far as to paint the walls of the pyramids with them in their resting chambers.

So, how does this all tie in? Well, breast cancer is pretty terrible and even ancient Egyptians dealt with it. In addition, breast cancer isn’t all that smart, just like cats, and even has pretty bad grammar. Nature throws breast cancer out, and it’s always a massively hilarious shock when you find out you have it. Especially when you’re a guy and get titty sickness! Oh, and let’s not forget cats get breast cancer, too. The joke keeps getting funnier!

The Susan B. Coleman Foundation every year recognizes the most hilarious breast cancer situations from around the world. They give out awards, called “Double D Dones”, to a handful of sufferers, with some of the most coveted trophies ever created. The Double D Dones go back to 1992 when the foundation first started the award ceremony. Thanks to advancement in the medical field women who receive the Double D Dones can actually get double d breasts back. One of the benefits of receiving the award is free breast augmentations. The best thing about the procedures is the breasts are completely fake, so the chance for cancer to take them again are almost zero.

Flat tittiesJust like every hilarious joke, the meme of breast cancer comedy jams has taken the world by storm. One would think there would be some negative backlash, but ever since the origin of the Internet, the meme of breast cancer comedy jams have been around. This completely predates Hampster Dance and even Nigger Chucking, the latter of which has fallen out of favor for Darkie Spear Dancing. With one search anyone can find a new breast cancer comedy jam almost every day!

Sadly, science is working on a 100% cure for breast cancer and they are getting extremely close. Right now there is a drug called tamoxifen being produced to prevent breast cancer with an 86% success rate. Obviously, this isn’t a popular outcome and people have been protesting in record numbers. The Susan B. Coleman Foundations has put up millions of dollars to prevent this terrible drug from coming to the masses, even going as far as suing doctors who give it to patients.

You can get involved in this protest and save the free augmented breasts by heading over to the Susan B. Coleman Foundation website and, the slightly less popular, Tat-tas for Da Wurld! website. Together we can keep breast cancer from becoming a legend, then a myth, and finally a religious justification to start a war!


Little Known Legendary Creatures #3 – Cheese Goblin

Dreaded Cheese Goblin

In this install of Little Known Legendary Creatures we will be taking a look at the dreaded Cheese Goblin. No creature is more loathed among the French, save for the Vin Fantôme. Unlike the Butt Pirate or even the Buffalo Wing Fairy, the Cheese Goblin is still in the hearts and mind of every Frenchman.


Origin
Tales of the Cheese Goblin come from before written French history and even bear striking resemblance to tales found in Sweden and even found in journals of Austrian cheese makers. With 26% of the cheese in the world produced in America, there are even whispers of the Cheese Goblin making its rounds in the many dairies.

One recorded account by a cheese smelling Frenchman in 1645 had this to say in his diary (translated from French to English):

DAMN IT! Those stupid cheese goblins! They have ruined yet another fine dining experience for my children. We were to dine on fine cheese with rich wine, only to have one of those dreaded devils bite the nose off of my youngest son. My daughter…I am sure she is now pregnant. At least those damn wine phantoms have not defiled my wife with an ostrich feather.

In a more recent account, found in the Cheese Crazy In A Lazy Daze! blog, circa 2004, we find the author, CheeseHunk4197, has this to say in regards to a personal experience:

So, I kid you guys not… There I was, eating some damn good cheese curds up in Oregon, when all of a sudden this…I don’t know…cheese goblin jumps out of some emmental cheese and starts running around! This little bastard started biting the nose off of everyone it came in contact with…blood and screaming everywhere! No one believes me and the news won’t cover it! I REALLY wish I had some pictures of this little bastard. It almost…ALMOST…put me off of cheese!

This proves the Cheese Goblin is alive and well even in America, far away from France.


Powers
No one knows how the Cheese Goblins get into the cheese to begin with. Even in the modern era, there are those who propose the idea of anomalous generation, in which the simple act of making cheese is what brings these creatures into existence.

What we do know of the Cheese Goblin’s powers is that it has the ability to immediately jump out of cheese, usually emmental, such as Swiss cheese, and bite the nose off of the victim. The Cheese Goblin has never been known to eat any other body part, not even fingers, but legend does not say why. Take for instance this account in Reginald Scot’s records, titled Demons in the New World:

Cheese Goblin is a low ranking marques and is extremely ferocious. He is known to rest silently in cheese, usually emmental, but not always, until his victim comes near. Like a snake inside a clay pot, Cheese Goblin then leaps from the delicious snack and bites the nose clean off the face.

He appeareth as though Kermit the Frog had sweaty, gooey, Broke Back Mountain butt sex with one of the gremlins from the movie Gremlins and produced a child. His temper is always raging and his teeth are full of razor sharp daggers, much like the terrible CGI abomination from the Steven King made for TV mini-series The Langoliers.

He understandeth both good and bad cheese, while ruling two legions of divils

According to some lore, the Cheese Goblin has the ability to disappear, while others claim it simply moves at an unbelievable speed making it appear to do so. According to Falsum Libro Daemones, the Even Lesser Key of Solomon the King:

The eitheenth hundred and sixth spirit is the Paneer Bhoot (पनीर भूत). He hides inside hardened dairy, which is pleasing to be placed on a cracker. Waiting for the non-careful to place their face close, it will leap from inside and remove the smelling part of the face. His look is that of a large frog with human hands and feet, with teeth full of swords which interlock perfectly in their spacing. His speed is like that of Barry Allen after getting is powers making it appear as though he turns invisible. He is in control of two legions.


Residence
…it lives in cheese. It’s in the name of the creature! There’s no where else… I mean, every single description talks about it. In the Mertvoye kniga iz Eksperta, author unknown, for instance just says this:

It lives in cheese. Duh!

Not every legendary and/or magical creature lives some place amazing.


Roll in Modern Society
With people on health kicks in the United States, it is unlikely we will see a large resurgence of the Cheese Goblin, which is not necessarily a bad thing. However, for those who work in the industry there is always a chance at glimpsing these creatures.

Those wishing to see one of these legendary creatures would do well to hang out near a dairy or live in a place trying to attract cheese aficionados such as Wisconsin. France is also another place for a good chance to see one in action. Besides, you’d be watching some French bastard get their nose bit off, and who can argue with that?


Protective Wards
One can protect themselves from the Cheese Goblin through simple actions, such as cutting cheese into thin slices before consuming it or even with spells from The Grimoire of Protection: Ulinzi Uhawi, Imamu Jirongo, circa 1975:

Dis is coo mon. Dem deh cheese goblins jerks. To protect yourself, you’ll need a few things. Firstly, get a chicken which isn’t deep friend. Second, get a lot of cow blood…and I mean a LOT of it. Then decorate your place with so many skulls and candles people will think it’s two in the afternoon when it’s midnight. Then for twenty minutes drink rum, spitting it in the air every so often, until you pass out. The Cheese Goblin will be exorcised. See it?

Given the option, it would be best to simply cut the cheese…as it were.


Summoning and Spiritual Rankings
No one knows how the Cheese Goblin is summoned as it always seems to be unintentional and no one in their right mind should seek to find one by getting next to a large slice or even a block of cheese. Do so at your own risk!

Rank: Lesser Marquis
Sign: 4° – 6.1.459° Pices (February 19 – March 20)
Time of Day: Sunrise and Sunset
Planet: Titan (moon)
Metal: Administratium
Command: 2 Legions
Tarot Card: Milked Cow

Spiritual Pressure Overload! (Most epic, best damn Power Rangers and Bleach fan fiction crossover ever written!)

Power Rangers: Multiverse - Spiritual Pressure Overload!

“O Lord, mask of blood and flesh, all creation, flutter wings, you who bears the name of Man, Inferno and Pandemonium, the sea barrier surges, march on to the south! Shakkahō!”

Streaking out across the sky, the red energy ball flies with incredible speed toward the hollow.

“Ichigo, now!” Rangiku shouts out as the blast smacks the beast in the face, blinding it and forcing it sliding backwards.

“ON IT! Rukia, back me up!” Ichicgo instructs as he rushes forward with a powerful shunpo.

“I’m with you!” Rukia called back, dashing to the backside of the creature from her flanking position.

They had been hunting this hollow for weeks now and they weren’t going to give it a chance to get away this time. Oddly, this hollow had the spiritual pressure close to most arrancar, but it wasn’t even a vasto lorde, let alone an adjucha. No one hunting it, even Mayuri Kurotsuchi, understood it, but he was excited for the opportunity to dissect it as quickly as possible. Having been named Glutton B by Shunsui Kyōraku, the hallow managed to make a mess of both Karakura Town and Kagomino City as well. Devouring around three hundred souls a week, Glutton B needed to be stopped immediately.

Converging on the hollow, both Ichigo and Rukia raised their weapons for a strike. Eyes flashing, Glutton B stopped mid-slide and stretched both arms out to its side while laughing. Just as the duo brought their zanpakuto down on it, a bright flash, followed by a massive air blast rang out, blinding everyone. When the dust settled, neither Ichigo, Rukia nor the hollow could be seen. Their spiritual pressure completely gone from detection.

At that same moment…
Blocking the kick aimed at his head, Dustin moved forward in counter attack, punching Sky directly in his balls. Sky tried to scream in pain, but couldn’t be heard, his voice in such a high registry humans couldn’t hear it. Several dogs began barking in terror and apathy of the agony they were hearing, however. Channeling his Ranger powers into his feet, Dustin jumped into the air, taking Sky with him by the crotch and dropped him off five feet higher than he was. With an epic back-flip finish, Dustin landed on the mat slightly before Sky did, who sounded like a sack of semi-rigid dicks upon impact.

Everyone in the Angel Bay Crest Grove Booze and Juice Bar cheered at how awesome the fight they just watched was. It was literally one of the most epic non-morphed fight sequences witnessed, and that’s saying something. Imagine the best fight ever made by Proxicide, you know, the guy who made Street Fighter vs Mortal Kombat, and R1665, the guy who made Exiles, and then amp it to 11 from their 11, giving you about 23 with carrying over shitting yourself, and that’s what you’d have seen. Look, sometimes your imagination is better than what you’d read, so…yeah…

“I know someone who’s going to let her junk be treated like a punching bag!” Jen exclaimed, jumping up and down, clapping her hands. Walking away like a bad ass, Dustin simply shook the hand he used to give Sky the most permanent vasectomy ever provided. Throwing herself against Dustin, Jen started to dry hump him in front of everyone.

“That’s amazing… Ziggy, the power enhancers you had Doctor K create are some serious bad ass technology,” Tommy stated, giving Ziggy a high five for being so cool, but this was Ziggy Grover…the Ranger god, so Tommy was really just wanting to touch him.

“Of course. You’ll have half access to Ranger power at any time when not morphed. Understandably, you won’t ever be as powerful as me even still,” Ziggy stated, combing his hair back and fixing his sunglasses. Ziggy was so awesome he even wore the shades inside most of the time and no one ever said a word about it. It also helped his glasses doubled as a means to detect trouble and were completely clear when looking through them on the inside when necessary. Several people rushed over to help Sky by dragging him into a chair and placed a few whiskey sours in front of him. Sky’s eyes were rolled back into his head and a constant stream of drool spilled from his mouth.

“Ay dios mio! He doesn’t look good!” Carlos exclaimed, grabbing Sky’s wrist and checking his pulse, “Well, his heart is beating, but that swelling in his pants isn’t from a churro!” Groaning in a high pitched whine was Sky’s only response.

“Well, as long as he’s alive, he’ll be fine,” Dustin stated through the tongue bath Jen was currently giving him, “Come on, Jen. Let’s finish this in the bathroom like responsible young adults!” Jen simply giggled after jumping off Dustin and grabbed his wrist, dragging him into the men’s room.

“I hope they don’t slip on the mess in the men’s room. I don’t think anyone cleaned up since Jen and I were in there ten minutes ago. I feel bad for whoever has to as well. It’s dripping from the ceiling,” Ziggy stated, finally taking his glasses off and folding them into his pocket.

“What I don’t like is how quiet Evildron has been lately. We haven’t seen a monster attack in almost a month…” Carlos mused, scratching the back of his head.

“After the ass kicking we gave him last time, I think he may have given up!” Tommy stated, throwing a few awesome punches at nothing, “That ass will never be the same!”

“Funny,” Ziggy said flatly, walking toward the bar to get more alcohol, “Jen told me the same thing on our way out of the bathroom.” Through his pain, Sky manged a very high pitched, “Ew!”

In the villain’s base…
Evildron was serious the last time. He was now on vacation and nothing was going to ruin it for him. Granted, his vacation was watching intergalactic Netflix and drinking, but it was his way of relaxing. All the while, Sloan had been working tirelessly to get his creation up and running. Everything Evildron had was available to Sloan, but he wasn’t allowed to use any of the previously created monsters, and that included the lackeys, to attack the Rangers.

“Ah, that’s the ticket!” Evildron said to himself as he slammed back another beer from his twenty four pack next to his recliner, “What the hell has Sloan been up to all this time, I wonder…eh, fuck it. I need me more intergalactic ecchi!”

Down in the depths of the evil lair Sloan was still hard at work. Replacing the candles and bright spot lights for energy efficient LED lights for better visibility, he typed so quickly he was sweating.

“Just a few more lines of code and you’ll be finished!” Sloan exclaimed over to his monster, currently hidden in a large crate with numerous tubes attached to it, all of which smoked randomly. Almost in reply, the creation made an angry groaning noise. Sipping on a hot tea, Sloan entered in a few more keystrokes before a bright flashing “Sequence Finished” appeared on his screen, making him laugh like a possessed man. From no where, a pipe organ sounded off in a C chord, shaking the entire foundation, then was followed by heavy metal guitar riffs.

“WHAT THE FUCK?!” Evildron screamed as he was thrown from his chair. Picking himself up, he ran as quickly as he could down into the lair while plugging his ears and screaming in anger. Reaching Sloan, the music slowly faded out and came to an end. Twisting one of Sloan’s ears, Evildron began shouting directly into it.

“What did I tell you about the music?!” Evildron bellowed, “We agreed you would stop that every time you made a discovery, or finished making brownies!” Sloan groaned and twisted, desperately trying to get away from Evildron’s grasp. Finally slapping Evildron’s hand away, Sloan slinked toward the container housing his creation.

“Sorry! I thought with the completion of my ultimate monster I could have an exception. Besides, it just seemed like a cool thing to do…” Sloan whined, rubbing his sore ear, “Do you want to see it?” Shrugging and cracking open another beer he had carried in his hoodie pocket, Evildron motioned for Sloan to continue. Walking over the container, Sloan stretched his arms out to his sides, fingers clawed upwards.

“Gentleman! What you are about to see is my life’s work! An ultimate creation if you will! This will be my final thesis for my doctrine! The destruction of the Power Rangers will just be gravy on my mashed potatoes, in which I will also dip my turkey! BEHOLD!” Sloan shouted, pounding on the box. After the third pound, the hoses hooked up began to blow off their connection ports, spewing smoke, possibly toxic, around the room and blinding anyone near it, including Evildron.

Coughing like crazy and holding on to his beer while trying to cover his face, Evildron was already not amused at the theatrics Sloan was putting on. If he was trying to impress him, he wasn’t doing a very good job at it. With thunderous slams, which also cleared away the smoke due to the impact with the ground, the container fell open revealing a four story tall metal cat. Not a lion, but a cat. Like a calico or tabby. However, this cat was adorned in gold, silver, unobtainium, and black zirconium. There may have even been some mithril and adamentium in it, but those were extremely difficult to get a hold of, even for Evildron.

“Hmph,” Evildron said, hammering back his beer and tossing the empty container off to the side with a loud burp, “It’s okay, I guess…what do you call this…this…thing, anyway?”

“Isn’t it obvious? It’s the Large Operational Leonine Combat Attack Titan!” Sloan said happily, slapping his hands together in one loud clap.

“I don’t get it…” Evildron stated, scratching his growing beer gut.

“Really?” Sloan asked shocked, “Large Operational Leonine Combat Attack Titan? L.o.l. C.a.t!”

“L.o.l. C.a.t?” Evildron stated in half question before pointing an accusing finger right at Sloan, “NEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERD!!”

“That’s not very nice… Well, look at it closer! It has it’s own intelligence! It’s basically living metal! Also, it can be combined with a pilot in a direct mental link to enhance it’s powers. Watch this,” Sloan instructed Evildron as he punched in a few codes into his wrist controller, which he took out of a coat pocket. In a small yellow light, Sloan was teleported away and into the L.o.l. C.a.t. Rearing back, it echoed out a half meow, half growl. “Impressed now?!” Sloan asked, his voice blasting out hidden speakers.

“I don’t know. It’s just lacking a certain aesthetic, really. No sexual nature. No questionable power connected to that sexual nature…” Evildron hummed. Suddenly, the entire ground started shaking once again, this time not caused by anything the villains were doing. Being forced to the ground as if gravity suddenly increased a hundred times, Evildron grunted and tried to force himself to stand to no avail.

“What’s going on Evildron?!” Sloan whined, unaffected to the pressure bearing down on them due to being in the L.o.l. C.a.t. The fabric of reality began to tear directly in front of them, revealing a pulsing dark, purple and black nothingness. Reaching out from it was a sickly white arm with a reverberating scream causing them both to cover their ears. Like glass shatter, the doorway exploded into countless shards and disappeared.

Standing where the portal appeared was a tall creature nearly as tall as the L.o.l. C.a.t, but almost completely white except for some black and orange tribal stripes scattered about its body. Instead of a regular face, the creature had what looked like a skull, but smoother. There were no eyes, just dark portals with small yellow dots. Opening its massive jaw to take a deep breath, the creature’s tongue snaked out of its body. Snapping the jaws shut, the creature exhaled a small blast of grey smoke from the nostril holes. Looking around the cave, the creature grabbed Evildron with one hand and effortlessly picked him up. Bringing him close to his skull, the hollow first sniffed Evildron and then licked him.

“Oh, that’s, just…just disgusting!” Evildron complained, kicking his legs trying to get away, drool running down his face. Looking Evildron over once again, the hollow tossed him to the side, obviously no impressed at all.

“Evildron! What is that thing?! What’s with the hole in the middle of its chest?!” Sloan shouted from inside his creation. Hearing the voice, Glutton B turned and grabbed the L.o.l. C.a.t. by the neck and started choking it, screaming in frustration. “Stop! STOP!” Sloan screamed in terror as the creature grabbed the L.o.l. C.a.t. even tighter and began to devour it face first. “NOOOOO!” Sloan shrieked Suddenly, there was another explosion of energy, this time a blinding white beam and a blast wave so fierce it blew off the ceiling, destroying Evildron’s house above.

“Oh, you mother fucker!” Evildron shouted in anger as he got up, “I’ll make you pay for that! I’ll…drown you in a bag in the river!” As everything settled, the hollow had merged with the L.o.l. C.a.t, taking on a more feline look. The pressure he felt when he first arrived was even stronger and once again pinned him to the ground. In a scream of victory, the hollow leapt from the deep crater to the rim with no effort. Turning its attention to the city, it began running with massive speed, its spear like tail whipping behind it as it ran.

Back at the Angel Bay Crest Grove Booze and Juice Bar…
Primal screams came from the men’s room as Dustin and Jen finished their savage screw session. Sky was finally feeling better, though the swelling in his crotch was still pretty bad, however, the whiskey sours were taking care of a lot of his pain.

“Glad to see you’re more among the living,” Tommy told him, slapping his shoulder, “You got knocked the fuck out, though!”

“Yeah, Dustin may be a dweeb, but he’s one hell of a fighter…always has been! Something’s been bothering me, though…with this injury to my balls Jen’s still…” Sky trailed off, believing his damaged sack meant Jen couldn’t possibly be his future relative.

“What are you talking about? Jen…” Tommy began to say, but was cut off sharply from their communicators springing to life.

“Rangers! Emergency! Evildron has just released his newest monster. It’s like nothing we’ve ever detected before!” Zorgon’s voice actually sounded stressed out.

“So much for the break,” Carlos stated disappointed, “We’ll take care of it Zordon, no problem.”

“Good, Rangers. The monster is heading for Angel Bay Crest Grove Municipal Park. Be careful! Alpha 5 and I are getting some really strange readings from this thing. Also, tell Dustin and Jen to finish in the bathroom. You might want to call a hazmat team for clean up,” Zordon instructed.

“What the hell, Zordon! You mean you’ve been spying on us?!” Dustin’s angry voice questioned over the communicators.

“I spy an all of you all the time. Remember that. Now get going!” Zordon demanded.

“Let’s see how good these power enhancers really are!” Sky stated, standing up slowly, “I’m going to try running there instead of just teleporting. Besides, it’ll look cool!” Looking at each other, both Tommy and Ziggy shrugged and then nod in agreement to Sky’s proposition.

Channeling all the Ranger power they could into their legs, the group, except for Jen, who was still too weak from the groin slamming she received, rushed out toward the park to help.

At the park…
L.o.l. Glutton slammed hard down onto the ground, watching people running away in terror. Thanks to the enhancements from Sloan’s creation, the hollow was even more terrifying than before. With Sloan being mentally connected to the L.o.l. C.a.t. a the time of being fused with it, this hollow now had a heightened intelligence as well. Several people, much more sensitive to spiritual pressure than others, were immediately pinned to the ground, causing L.o.l. Glutton to target and devour their souls, but not without batting them around a few times for fun first.

In color appropriate streaks, the Rangers arrived at the park, awestruck at the sight before them. They had never seen anything like this before, nor had they ever felt spiritual pressure. Fear ran down everyone’s spines when L.o.l. Glutton reared back its head, letting out a fierce hollow style scream, with an underlying cat meow.

“What…the…fuck?!” Sky stuttered out, feeling as though he were being pressed down with a massive weight across his entire body. Everyone felt the same and were now using most of their Ranger powers just to keep standing up.

“Hey guys! What did I..!” Jen said, rushing in and immediately being forced to the ground, her crotch making a squishing noise as she did, “WHAT IS THAT?!”

“It’s about to be dead, that’s what it is!” Ziggy shouted, “Get into mother fucking gear!” Following Ziggy’s lead, the Rangers performed their choreography and morphed, a massive power explosion behind them taking out half a block and killing ten people fleeing for their lives. Sensing a change in power, L.o.l. Glutton turned its attention to the Rangers and let out a loud hollow roar and was enveloped in a yellow light streaked with black energy. Now standing around 6’5″ tall, L.o.l. Glutton took on a more human like look with lithe feline characteristics, the tail pointed directly at the Rangers. Even though the creature was smaller now, the Rangers were having a hard time just standing. With an eye flash, L.o.l. Glutton sped through the Rangers faster than they could see. Now behind them, the hollow began to laugh as the Rangers each took significant damage, sparks flying off of their suits as they were tossed into the air like rag dolls.

“O Lord, mask of flesh and bone, all creation, flutter of wings, ye who bears the name of man, truth and temperance, upon this sinless wall of dreams unleash but slightly the wrath of your claws! Hado number thirty three: Sōkatsui!”

Blue energy blasted L.o.l. Glutton directly in its chest, but did nothing except create smoke. Looking down at where it was hit, the hollow simply scratched the area and looked around for the source of attack. Ichigo came down from the sky and brought down both blades of Zangetsu onto L.o.l. Glutton’s shoulders, striking as hard as he can, but the blades do nothing except come from a dead stop.

“What the?!” Ichicgo calls out as the hollow’s tail wraps around him and brings him face to face with the creature, ” What are you?!” Roaring in Ichigo’s face, L.o.l. Glutton tosses him to Rukia and increases its spiritual pressure. Reaching its full power, L.o.l. Glutton pinched its nipples, at least where its nipples would be, and laughed. Striking a pose similar to Michael Jackson in Beat It, it then began to moon walk before spinning in a circle, grabbing its groin, thrusting forward and blowing a kiss to both Ichigo and Rukia.

“That’s not normal behavior for a hollow… What’s going on here?” Rukia questioned Ichigo, her sword at the ready. As L.o.l. Glutton kept making lewd gestures, such as the international sign for eating pussy and sucking dick, the Power Rangers managed to shake off the damage they received and rushed in to attack. Sky was the firs to reach it and delivered a massive volley of fire enhanced kicks rapidly all over the creature before jumping away. Jen was next, striking the monster with attacks channeling water. Carlos arrived and used his Hispanic inspired personality to bash L.o.l. Glutton with wind based attacks, you know, because of lawn work such as leaf blowing. Dustin pummeled it with rapid punches wrapped in earth. Ziggy rushed in next and engulfed the hallow in almost total darkness, collapsing the pocket dimension he created, with Tommy following up with a blast similar to Goku full of light energy. L.o.l. Glutton was blown sideways and through a building, ending with an even more massive explosion of energy, which would have killed another ten or twelve people if they were still around.

“WOO!” Jen shouted and jumped into everyone’s arms, rapidly kissing them all through her helmet while dry humping Sky’s chest, “We did it!”

“Bueno! We kick in its culo!” Carlos shouted, taking a victory boob grab.

“Never fuck with a Power Ranger!” Tommy exclaimed, slapping Jen on the ass.

“Hey! What are you idiots doing?! What’s going on here?!” Ichigo yelled at them all as he and Rukia ran up to them. Instantly dropping the foreplay to their orgy, the Rangers all stood in a line, looking the two over.

“Who are we? We’re the ones who destroyed Evildron’s latest monster. Who the fuck are YOU?!” Sky asked, pointing directly at Ichigo.

“They don’t appear to be quincies and they’re obviously not shinigami…fullbringers maybe?” Rukia half asked, “We’re soul reapers! I’m surprised you can see us!”

“Of course we can see you. We’re the god damn Power Rangers, little girly. Now run along you before you get hurt, or pregnant,” Ziggy instructed, waving her off.

“How dare you! I am Rukia Kuchiki and have lived ten of your miserable lives! How dare you call me little girly or imply I’d be so easily knocked up!” Rukia screamed back, pointing her zanpakuto directly at him.

“Easy, Rukia. Don’t be so damn rude, you jerk. Look, we got off on the wrong foot. I’m Ichigo Kurasaki, what are your names?” Ichigo asked, attempting to break the tension.

Jumping into a quick huddle, the Rangers agree to introduce themselves and did so while shaking their hands. From the wreckage of the building destroyed when L.o.l. Glutton was knocked back, the hollow arose one again, screaming in anger, powered up even more than before, causing massive waves of spiritual pressure to come down on everyone.

“I…will…make…you all…eat…my dick!” L.o.l. Glutton moaned out in anger. Obviously due to Sloan’s influence the hollow as now able to talk; this was rare unless it was a much more powerful type, such as a vasto lorde.

“Oh no! Looks like you didn’t take care of it as well as you thought!” Ichigo exclaimed, the hollow rushing them all and coming to a sudden stop, a blast wave knocking them all backwards several hundred feet. Continuing to scream, L.o.l. Glutton began to grow in size and power, until it stood over the tallest buildings in the area. Leaning forward, it then inhaled sharply and began to suck up souls for miles around, causing his power to continuously grow.

Standing with lots of groaning and whining, the Rangers, along with the two soul reapers, looked up at the incredible image before them.

“This is bad…really, really bad!” Sky shouted, “We’re going to need the Megazords! Ziggy…I hope those enhancements to combine with our Zord are finished!”

“Obviously! Don’t worry. As long as you don’t fuck up, it’ll work!” Ziggy replied, “You two, just sit this one out!”

“Don’t count us out! Ichigo…we’re going to have to go bankai,” Rukia instructed. Resting his sword on his shoulder, Ichigo shook his head.

“I haven’t even tried going bankai with my new zanpakuto…I’m not even sure I can fully manifest it yet,” Ichigo replied, looking up at the hollow, “The last thing we need is for it to back fire…”

“I believe in you. Always move forward!” Rukia encouraged him, grabbing him by the collar and shaking him lightly.

“Okay, okay! But what about you? Your bankai only lasts four seconds and is good for one attack…” Ichigo said with concern. The last time he saw Rukia use her bankai, it nearly killed her.

“Don’t worry about me… I’ve been training really hard,” Rukia said with a smirk. Nodding, Ichigo brought both of his swords together while Rukia lined up Sode no Shirayuki.

“Bankai!” they both shouted at the same time, channeling as much power as possible. Energy swirled around them and exploded, blinding everyone. Dust continued to spin around them as their power released.

“Yami ni rirīsu Zangetsu…” Ichigo could be heard saying.

“Hakka no Togame…” Rukia’s voice was heard next. As the dust cleared and the wind stopped, Ichigo and Rukia stood in their bankai forms in this world: The Gold and Silver Rangers!

“What’s this?!” Ichigo asked, looking himself over rapidly, surprised at his new look.

“Yeah, this isn’t my bankai!” Rukia replied, equally shocked at the transformation. Everyone had communicators now, even Ichigo and Rukia, and the speaker sprang to life.

“Congratulations, soul reapers, on becoming Power Rangers! With your new powers comes new techniques. Call upon your Megazords and assist the other rangers in taking out your hollow!” Zordon’s voice shouted in happiness.

“RIGHT!” Ichigo and Rukia both shouted, turning back to back, with one foot raised and touching the heel of the other, one arm over their heads and pointing with both hands at the other Rangers.

“Rukia?” Ichigo asked.

“Yes, Ichigo..?” Rukai responded.

“What the hell are we doing?” Ichigo asked, jumping away and stomping his foot.

“I don’t…I don’t know…it just seemed so natural…” Rukia responded, “So…let’s just call these Megazords then… Let’s see here… There’s the command!” Without any noticible effect, both Rukia and Ichigo were in the Gold and Silver Megazords. Ichigo’s Megazord was like a ninja with a long, thin blade, much like his original bankai with Tensa Zangetsu. Rukia’s Megazord was like a geisha, only it had a traditional looking katana swirling with ice.

“Wow, look at those Megazords!” Jen shouted, pointing excitedly, “Let’s get our Megazord combined with Ziggy’s!” The two Megazords walked up to each other, and began to dance like two middle schoolers trying to twerk on each other. Spinning around and slapping the Megazord on the ass, Ziggy’s Ultimate Battlezord then fused with it. Standing there before them was a Megazord they decided was the Fucking Ultimate Battlezord Ascension Realized, or F.U.B.A.R. They weren’t very good at this.

“Kick ass!” Dustin screamed, seeing the awesome interior of the F.U.B.A.R, and instantly getting a massive boner, “This is some beautifully detailed work! It’ll be nice to beat up on Evildron’s creations in luxury!”

“That isn’t one of Evildron’s creations, you idiots,” Ichigo told them through their telepathic connections from the new Megazords, “That’s a hollow from our world! It eats souls to grow in strength. It may have managed to absorb something in this world to become as strong as it is now.”

“Who the shit cares? We’re going to knock its shit in…literally!” Ziggy shouted, followed by a, “RIGHT!” from every other Ranger in the F.U.B.A.R. Rushing toward the hollow, they punched it stomach, causing it to stop inhaling souls and bend forward. Placing a hand on the back of its neck, the Rangers spun around behind it and began to fist its ass repeatedly with their Power Fist of Justice.

“Pound that ass!” Ichigo shouted and then stopped, blinked, and looked over at Rukia, “What’s happening to me?”

“I don’t know, but I want in on this!” Rukia giggled and rushed L.o.l. Glutton and wrapped her legs around its face, “RIDE ‘EM GIRL!”

“See if you can hold on for more than eight seconds!” Ichigo laughed, completely gone at this point, “Time to plug its hole!” Jumping into the air while screaming, “YAHOO!”, Ichigo dropped down onto the hollow’s back and began to fist the hole while laughing like a mad man. Having enough of the attention given to him, L.o.l. Glutton reared back and blasted them all off of him with an area cero. All the Megazords were knocked across several buildings, killing hundreds who had gathered to watch, including half of the city’s news crews.

“I will devour all life!” L.o.l. Glutton screamed and began to power up once again.

“We need to end this NOW!” Ichigo shouted, “Let’s combine our attack!” The Megazords lined up, shoulder to shoulder.

“I’m transferring the chant to all of you! As soon as you receive it, repeat it together and we’ll combine it into one massive bakudo!” Rukia instructed. Punching in a few commands, the transmission was complete and they all chanted at once.

“You who is crowned with the name of Man, wearing a Mask of blood and flesh, flying on ten thousand fluttering wings, with Thunder’s carriage and an empty Spinning Wheel, break the Light into six pieces, carve a twin Lotus on a wall of Pale Blue Flames, and await the Blazing Fires to reach the Distant Heavens! Bakudo number sixty one: Rikujōkōrō!”

Six beams of light slammed into the hollow’s mid section, paralyzing it and holding it in place.

“NOW!” Tommy called out. Every Megazord let loose its ultimate attack, striking the hollow almost at the same time, causing it to scream in agony before slowly disappearing and the smaller particles exploding in the air, killing another twenty people with the shockwaves.

Back at the Angel Bay Crest Grove Booze and Juice Bar
A large party was awaiting the Rangers as they returned, full open bar, and all they could eat food. Ichigo and Rukia were feeling slightly more like themselves, but they couldn’t shake the impression this messed up universe was having on them.

“Excellente job, vatos!” Carlos said, slapping Ichigo on the back. Ichigo just gave him a thumbs up and a smile while taking a seat.

“ Thanks, uh, I think…we really should be going…” Rukia stated, pulling on Ichigo’s arm.

“But…I haven’t slut you up as a thank you, yet!” Jen stated, starting to dry hump Ichigo’s leg.

“Well, I guess we could…HEY!” Ichigo shouted as Rukia forcefully pulled him off the stool.

“You’ve all been wonderful. Take care!” Rukia shouted, opening a door to the soul society and dragging Ichigo with him before they were completely over taken by the dimension’s ability to mess with their heads.

“Well, pooh…” Jen stated. Sky slowly slid up to her, giving her a wink, and they both ran off to the men’s room.

“Glad to see everything ended up in our favor. Looks like we really taught Evildron a lesson again. Hopefully we won’t have to deal with any more of those hollows, or whatever they’re called,” Dustin said, slamming back a Bacardi and diet, finally manning up and drinking booze.

“Like Tommy always says, ‘Don’t fuck with the Rangers!’” Ziggy said, doing an even more epic spin kick than Tommy ever could.

“Speaking of fucking with Rangers…where’s Sky and Jen?” Tommy asked, looking around. Screams of agony and passion erupted from the bathroom as Sky finished Jen in record time and came out smiling and sweating.

“Wow…she is good!” Sky said, dropping into a chair exhausted.

“Uh, Sky..?” Tommy said slowly, “What, uh…what did you do?”

“Well, dumb ass, since my balls are busted, I realized she couldn’t possibly be my great, great, great granddaughter,” Sky said, putting his hand up for a high five.

“Sky…ALEX would be your biological descendant…Jen was married in to the family. So, technically, she’s still your granddaughter,” Tommy informed him, deadpanned look.

“…oh…shit…” Sky said, slumping forward and dropping his arm.

Back at the location the hollow was defeated
Evildron was looking over the destruction caused by Sloan’s failure. Shaking his head and drinking his fifth of Jack Daniels out of a brown paper bag (no open containers…not even with this amount of evil around. Can’t change all the laws) Evildron took note of all the impressive buildings and trees still standing. In front of him, a pile of rubble began to move on its own, so he stepped closer to investigate, kicking some of the debris away.

“Sloan?!” Evildron shouted as Sloan climbed out of the wreckage, “My word, you survived! Well…get off your ass and back to the lair. You have to rebuild my god damn house!” Reaching up and covered in dark energy, Sloan grabbed Evildron by the throat and began to inhale, pulling on his soul as did. Evildron felt the life leaving him when Sloan finally stopped, his soul snapping back into his body.

“No, Evildron. You will rebuild it, and you will rebuild it to my specifications. Just remember…I can do that any time I want!” Sloan stated, his voice deeper, his muscles larger (well, for a nerd), and his eyes burning with a dark fire.


WOW! EPIC AS SHIT! Where is this going next?! Will there ever be another Gold and Silver Ranger? Who the fuck knows..?

Dirk “The Jerk” Swanson – Entry #542

Worship me like a god, you pricks!
Wassup, Swansonites! Of course, gotta start this off with telling anyone who is a faggot or fagette to get out of here. This is an awesome zone only, and you’re not allowed. That goes for all of you nerds as well! Get out of here, you nerds and geeks!

Now that the loser bus has pulled out of B.A. Town (the B stands for Bad and the A stands for Ass!), it’s time to get down to business like a hooker making rent money. I’m gonna go ahead and give a shout out right now to all my Swansonites helping me reach 542 entries in this awesome Wordcast. Yeah, you know I hate that term diary because it implies you’re some kind of nancy-boy, and we ain’t none! Blog means boring and, damn straight as a real man’s dick, I ain’t boring. Wordcast is so much more accurate, ammirite? Podcast means you’re talking. Vidcast means you’re videoing. Wordcast means you’re writing! Because I’m awesome, you’re awesome Swansonites.

Look, I know I said we’d get down to business, but foreplay is appreciated sometimes. I mean, I do like a good blow job before hand.

So, I just got done with my lunch time work out, right, and I’m heading into Shibuya Nakano’s to get some additional protein while carbing up a little. SN has an amazing deal where you get their chicken teriyaki bowl with veggies and brown rice for like $13 with a drink. Hell of a deal! Well, I like this place and, as you know, me and the bro’s and the bra’s head here a lot while our muscles twitch with justice after a killer work out. Unfortunately today must have been fat-boy Friday! As soon as I walked in, there was some major fat body eating a large bowl. Dude was about 5’10” and must have weighed about 165lbs with 18% body fat! DISGUSTING! His chick wasn’t much better, either. She must have been around 5’4″ and weighed 105lbs, but only had double B’s. Yeah, what a loser, but I guess he can only get what he can afford looking the way he does.

Thankfully I have a pretty iron clad stomach so I didn’t completely lose my appetite. Sadly, there was a real pitiful looking twat taking orders. This dude was nasty. Yeah, I mean, he was like 5’6″! There’s no reason a man should be under 6′. Hit a god damn gym, puny man! I got my order as fast as possible to go and got the hell out of there.

Work was pretty uneventful, like usual. Come on, guys, there’s only so much that can happen when selling protein and other sups’. Obviously there were total desk jockeys coming in thinking they can magically have the kind of build I enjoy without the genetics I do. I’m all natty, bro!

Went out to eat with my chick and two of her friends. They totally want to nail me, but she won’t let me have a four way with them. Probably just nail them individually later during a BBQ or baby shower or something. The waiter totally pissed me off! When I told him what I wanted, he acted like I was begging for the world. How hard is it to understand I want a steak, all fat removed, four pieces of broccoli, two carrot slices, and a 1/8th cup of rice?! Seriously, he was all like, “Sir, the steak has fat marbled through it and the chief won’t be able to remove all of it.” So I’m all like, “GO FUCK YOUR MOTHER! Cut that shit! I know what fat in a steak looks like! I cut that shit out all the time at home! Why can’t you do your job and he do his job?!” That set the little prick straight and my steak came out just right. It was so juicy and damp, too. People say you can’t get a steak juicy without fat, but I say they haven’t put the fear of god into the restaurant people enough to get it. Whatever they do there I can’t figure out when I’m at home, however, so I usually coat it in extra-extra virgin (how I like my women!) olive oil. I handled that situation appropriately, if you ask me, and I know you did. I may be nicknamed “The Jerk”, but I’m not without compassion.

There you have my day, Swansonites! I look forward to giving you another positive Wordcast again in the near future. Keep being awesome like me!

Little Known Legendary Creatures #2 – Butt Pirate

Legendary Butt Pirate

In the last installment of Little Known Legendary Creatures, we investigated the Buffalo Wing Fairy and what made it so special. Today, we are going to take a look at the often criticized, and now turned insult, Butt Pirate.


Origin
Origin stories of the Butt Pirate seem to date back as far as the 1600’s and were originally considered good luck. During that time, personal hygiene was a problem for people in general, but especially sailors who would be out at sea for months at a time without proper privies.

One sailor had this to say about the Butt Pirate in his sailing journal (cleaned for easier reading in current English):

We have been without port nearly three months and the smell of the crew was staggering. Nearly all members were about to start mutiny due to the unsanitary conditions we were forced to live with. Praise the Lord, however, when at dusk our look out spotted a ship near the horizon. At first fearful, we were alerted to the emblem on the flag, which we recognized: Butt Pirate! Quickly heading below deck to feign sleep, the Butt Pirate boarded us, collecting the fecal matter he uses for mysterious reasons, and our posteriors were cleaned.

This is not the first recorded incident of the Butt Pirate, but it does prove to be one of the best to show the creature was welcomed, not feared, nor used as an insult.


Powers
Butt Pirate is known to invade, both through consensual and non consensual contact, the butt of its target. What it does with these poop nuggets has long been up for debate as no one has seen what it does with them.

According to lore, the Butt Pirate has the ability to make his own ship, The Black Eel, appear and disappear at will. In addition to invisibility, records suggest the ship can also move across time and space to reach other destinations almost immediately. Take for instance this account in Reginald Scot’s records, titled Demons in the New World:

Butt Pirate is not a marquis and is often shunned by the higher daemon lords. He is commonly known to sail among the world’s waters, including the Great Lakes in America and even a few times reported in Loch Ness.

Appearing as a regal naval officer with a hat portraying a skull and crossbones, he smells of sweat and feces. All except his head appears to be human and he has a hook for a hand on the right side. Where his face and head should be is what looks like a well fatted butt.

He has the ability to appear and disappear upon his magnificent ship, adorned with beauty, and preceded by the odor of fecal matter. The phantom smell of solid waste is an indication Butt Pirate is near, but there is no need to fear.

Cleaning the posterior waste exits, up to the colon, Butt Pirate was once welcomed by many, but that is quickly changing. What he does with the collection of feces is unknown.

He can only communicate with short bursts which sound like human flatulence.

He is known to hang out with The Poopsmith, categorized here: The Poopsmith: Who he is and what he’s doing now

With the ability to turn invisible and teleport, could he be an alien visitor? Ancient Astronaut Theorists, say yes!


Residence
While many legendary creatures have their own place of residence, Butt Pirate claims his home on the water masses of Earth. Not completely content on being out in the open all the time, however, there is record of it hiding in special areas outside of human sight.

In the book Historia de Mierda by Miranda Veracruz de la Hoya Cardinal, we learn Butt Pirate may have his own pirate get-a-way:

Between the rays of sunlight, past the swells in waters smooth and clear as polished crystal, Butt Pirate will moore his boat for times of rest and reflection. Inside a sea face cave, protected from sight, he will sip his high quality rum, often until throwing up, and relax after a long day of collecting booty from booty. He is a creature of simple pleasures.

Like other creatures of legend, it seems Butt Pirate can exist in an area inaccessible to us humans. The area does not sound like any known paradise, and as such, may even be a creation from Butt Pirate himself.


Roll in Modern Society
Unlike most forgotten or near forgotten legendary creatures, Butt Pirate has continued to this day in popular culture. Sadly, Butt Pirate has turned to a negative connotation and not something welcome as he was in the past.

Urban Dictionary has this listed as a definition for butt pirate as written by Bill B:

A ruddy queer man who likes to ram his schooner into another man’s glory hole; a sailor of anal ports.

See also: ass-rammer, jizz-junkie, cum gulper, butt-muncher, turd-burglar, peter-puffer.

Holy shit, Pete! Don’t be grabbing my arse, ya dirty butt pirate! ARGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

Even though the definition of butt pirate remains similar as that of the original Butt Pirate, it has taken on a grand negative context. With the advent and availability of modern plumbing, Butt Pirate seems doomed to be forgotten as a positive, welcome force and forever branded as something vile. Time will tell if the trend will shift back to his original intent.


Summoning and Spiritual Ranking
There seems to be no sure way to summon Butt Pirate. All indication is he shows up at will to collect his bounty, and recently he is being reported at an exceedingly decreasing rate. Hopefully Butt Pirate will not turn to violent collection without having much chance to collect his bounties in the modern world.

Rank: Commoner
Sign: 1° – 6.11.4° Pisces (March 14 – April 14)
Time of Day: Any
Planet: Neptune
Metal: Bombastium
Command: 0 Legions
Tarot Card: None

Little Known Legendary Creatures #1 – Buffalo Wing Fairy

Legend of the Buffalo Wing Fairy

There are more things under Heaven…I could look up how the rest of this goes since I’m already on the Internet, but I’m too lazy to do it. Besides, I’m not here to quote Stephen Hawking, I’m here to talk about some little known legendary creatures.

Almost everyone knows about the Tooth Fairy, Santa Clause, The Boogey Man, and the Chanukah kawala, but how many of you out there know of the others? I’m talking about creatures such as the Cheese Goblin, or even the Buffalo Wing Fairy. How sad it is we have already begun to forget about these amazing creatures.

So, what I’m going to do is tell you about them here! First up, we’re going to learn about the Buffalo Wing Fairy!


Origin
Little is known of the origins for the Buffalo Wing Fairy. It first appeared in literature around 1968 in Reginald Scot’s records, titled Demons in the New World. The book has this to say about the entity:

Buffalo Wing Fairy is a great and mighty marques. He is common among the fraternities in the Eastern seaboard area of the United States. He commeth abroad in the form of a love child between Chuck Norris and Bob Ross with multi-colored wings reminiscent of marshmallow fruit candies. Unlike the hidden fist bearded Chuck Norris and the happy painting Bob Ross, however, the creature produces deliciously fried chicken wings lightly battered and tossed in a fiery sauce which is pleasing to the palette. He understandeth all things good and bad with a fraternaty pledge and member alike, while he ruleth six legions of divils.

Still, there are suggestions he may be much older than that. Reading older texts shows a similar creature mentioned, but producing other items for consumption going back to 200BC. The book Falsum Libro Daemones, the Even Lesser Key of Solomon the King, writes about this creature and has this to say:

The one hundreth seventy first spirit is Bhainsa viṅga parī. He is summoned by placing a container of fermented wheat beneath a head resting while sleeping. In the night, he shall approach. Should you have been truly good and deserving, he shall accept your offering and in return place a plate of crispy delicacies upon your chest for consumption upon your awakening. He appears as being bathed in light, his faced adorned by a mighty beard which may or may not hide something and his head is crowned by a ball of dark brown, maybe red, hair which is both entertaining and happy. Upon his chest is a massive blue B against his off white robe, which only comes down to his mid thighs. He is in control of six legions of demons.

Were the “crispy delicacies” buffalo wings? We can’t say for sure, but it does some what match what we know now of the creature.

Originally the Buffalo Wing Fairy seemed to be only reported in America, but it is now being recorded wherever buffalo wings are being made.


Powers
The Buffalo Wing Fairy has some strange powers. Not only does the Buffalo Wing Fairy have the ability to enter into any structure in order to collect beer as an offering, it can appear in multiple locations at once. No amount of research has explained if there are many Buffalo Wing Fairies or if this is one creature existing in multiple areas at once.

The buffalo wings produced are said to be the greatest in existence. Because no one has been able to resist the urge to eat all of the wings upon waking up, there has been no research in examining what makes them so delicious. Many restaurants have opened in an attempt to produce the amazing flavors, but none have been successful, though it is worth noting the flavors they have come up with are wonderful.

All attempts to contact the Buffalo Wing Fairy have resulted in failure. Since the creature is obviously telepathic by some means, it can detect the traps set up and will refuse to collect the beer as an offering, meaning no buffalo wings. Children are also unable to contact the Buffalo Wing Fairy unless they are of legal drinking age in the area of the world in which they reside.


Residence
Like Santa Clause living in The North Pole, the Buffalo Wing Fairy has its own area of dominion. While little is known about where it resides, we do have this excerpt from Mertvoye kniga iz Eksperta, author unknown:

Flying into the homes to collect beer, but not hard liquor such as vodka, this creature is known to few. According to one account of a conversation, the creature said it comes from a land of bubbling oil and crumbs of many special breads. Dripping from the species of an unknown plant, the secretions are added to the chicken, after it is cooked, for the most amazing, and heavenly, of flavors. All the chicken used is free range, antibiotic free, and no artificial hormones are added, nor are there any extra preservatives. One must be truly good and deserving to taste the succulent treats it offers.

Could the unknown substance placed on the chicken wings from the plants be what the Greeks called ambrosia? It sure seems likely!


Role in Modern Society
With the decrease of many beliefs this day in age, the role of the Buffalo Wing Fairy seems to be one of tragic forgetfulness. Since people now prefer to simply drink all their beers rather than offer them to the creature in exchange for the wings, coupled with the ability to easily get buffalo wings, the Buffalo Wing Fairy could disappear into obscurity.

Still to this day many fraternities actively pursue the Buffalo Wing Fairy in order to bring them the delicious wings, and the trend is once again beginning to catch on with those who are hungry for wings and don’t wish to attend the travesty known as Buffalo Wild Wings. There have even been whispers of some sororities, such as Kappa Kappa Kappa and Ti Sto Diáolo participating in these practices.


Practice vs. Christianity
Christianity has a strong anti-occult practice rule. However, this has not stopped Christians from either ignoring this rule, or making an attempt to bring the secular into their religion, which is against their religion’s rules. Many Christians celebrate Christmas, Easter, Valentine’s Day, St. Patrick’s Day, and even allow their children to believe in the Tooth Fairy and/or Santa Clause, all of which are a pagan ritual at the core, and therefore, a huge sin against their rules.

So, why stop there? Allowing one self to offer beer to a slightly overweight man with wings who happens to wear an outfit so tiny even Peter Pan would blush seems right in line. There are even those out there who claim since this isn’t an actual worship, there is “no harm, no foul”. Believe what you wish.


Summoning and Spiritual Rankings
Summoning of the Buffalo Wing Fairy seems to require a beer which is cold in either a can or, preferably, a long neck container and placed under your pillow. At some time during the night, if you had been truly good and deserving, the Buffalo Wing Fairy will place a plate of buffalo wings on your chest so you can eat them upon waking. If the summoning isn’t true or you do not meet the requirements, the Buffalo Wing Fairy will not come, you will not have hot wings, and your beer will be ruined.

Rank: Marquis
Sign: 10° – 19.59.59° Virgo (September 14 – 22)
Time of Day: After Midnight, but before Dawn
Planet: Uranus
Metal: Bone and Skin (not really a metal, but considered)
Command: 6 Legions
Tarot Card: 2 of Jestershttp://imgur.com/TyGWjtc

The Magical Whistling Vagina

There are few actual magical things in this world: Love of a puppy, a full moon on a still summer night, and the strangling of a baby. Well, I’ve found one more thing: the whistling vagina. While it’s not mine anymore, I had the pleasure of experiencing it for a time in my life and I know I can die a happy man now.

How this all started was simple enough and hardly worth mentioning, but I will. I had just finished a nine mile round trip hike around a local mountain range when I spotted a black haired angel. She was only around five foot four inches, but she had a hard body, tight ass, and a pair of tits which betrayed her small figure. Banging lips, too, which I knew could suck a pair of balls straight out of a hard dick. Turns out, I was right about that, but let’s not focus on this.

We caught eyes as I approached, so I stopped and began some idle chat with her. She told her two annoying friends to go ahead without her, and we made plans to meet up later. Now, I know what you’re thinking: “What about this magical whistling vagina?” I’m getting to that. Every story needs a good setup.

She must have called me fifteen times in two days to tell me how excited she was to meet up. Taking this as a cue, I decided to just invite her straight over to my place and have a date just like any other twenty three year old does. That is to say, put on Netflix, pretend to be interested in the movie on screen for five seconds, and then start making out for a few before banging each other until the sun comes up three days later. If you haven’t figured this is that kind of story yet, you’re dumber than even I figured you are.

The night in question comes around and she shows up in this tiny sun dress which barely covered her panties, which she actually wasn’t wearing, and was the description of “Holy shit, you fine!”. I popped some popcorn and we chatted as it finished up before flipping through Netflix to find something we were going to ignore. I don’t remember what it was, but sure enough, the make-out session started and she was aggressive in a good way.

Realizing this wasn’t going to be enough nor was the couch a good place to start the screwing, we both jumped up and ran to the bed room. All clothes came off and we got into the full swing of it. After about four strokes I realized I heard something strange, so I stopped and looked around. When I didn’t hear it again, I continued, only to realize the sound came back. She asked what was wrong and I told her, “I hear something odd…like…like a whistle that keeps changing as I’m nailing you.” She blushed and told me it was her. Well, not her, but her magical whistling vagina. I didn’t believe her and started trying different variations, which, sure enough, changed the pitch and length of each whistle.

From that moment on I was hooked! I couldn’t get enough of that magical whistling vagina. With her help, I explored all kinds of different musical tastes from Fredrick Francois Chopin to ZZ Top. From Waltz to Dubstep. Sadly, happiness can never truly last forever and she left one day for new adventures. I will always remember, and be grateful, for the time with that magical whistling vagina!

Character Diary #2 (GTA Online)

Holy warriors doing the Lord's work!
I have found religion. Well, I found it for about six days and then got bored. Still, I believe I now understand what it is that I am: A chosen one by god. How else can you explain my inability to die? I learned I am a holy warrior thanks to my friend Wyldfyre. Turns out…he’s also a chosen one.

So, pretty much, how this all came about was my buddy Wyldfyre calls me and says he wants me to help him “cleanse the unholy” as a “Jesus warrior”. I figure, “Yeah, fuck it, why not?”, because, honestly, why not?

Now, ideally, if you’re going to be a super hero, even one for Christ, you have absolutely need to be dressed correctly. The first place I meet up with Wyldfyre is the clothing shop. “Make sure you look good!” he tells me. We select the best suits we can find, kill the shop owner because they were greedy, and then head over to the barbershop. When we get there, we find another lost lamb. After allowing him to give us our super hero make-up, we try to explain why his life style choice is an affront to the Holy One. Sadly, he didn’t want to listen, so we had to baptize him with our holy rocket launcher. God’s grace kept shining on us! The evil force controlled by the devil was not hunting us at this time, so we were encouraged to continue our divine mission.

Driving down the night streets we looked for other lost souls who we were to save. What luck! Wyldfyre noticed a woman selling her body for money! Wyldfyre did his best to get her to understand her life choice was unclean and how Jesus did not approve. Realizing she wasn’t listening, I had to intervene. See, I can be very persuasive and I knew my diplomatic ways would reach her. Well, they would if she could be saved. The prostitute would hear nothing of the saving grace of Jesus. I knew what I had to do…I removed my blessed blade of righteousness and gut her like a fish. If she wished to be a hand of the devil, he could have her for a face-to-face talk!

Unfortunately, after taking down the dirty whore, I saw I was missing not only my baseball bat, but my crowbar, my axe, and my golf club. Where did they go? I have no idea, but I knew we had to get at least my golf club back. Okay, so we didn’t think about how it was around midnight when we got to the golf course. The positive side to this, however, is we found a lot of midnight golfers… HEATHENS! We made sure to cleanse the filth with molotov cocktails, which Wyldfyre assured me had been blessed by a priest, which made them holy or something.

The devil was now on to us! We heard the screaming of his demons in the distance. Obviously the cops were working as minions of Satan, because if they were under the influence of God, they wouldn’t be attacking us for doing Jesus’ work. If you’re wondering, no, I never did get a new golf club, but that’s fine. We had to get away from these demons. Luckily, Wyldfyre is a great driver, especially in my Zentorno. The cops were rushing us like mad men possessed by the devil…which we knew they were.

With the speed of God’s hand pushing us down the street, we did our best to keep the cops from getting us. I took to shooting out their tires and killing the most foul of them to great effect. The good ones were spared, however, by the grace of God! Nearing the airport, I told Wyldfyre to make his way to the runway so we could get in some planes and fly away like the angels we were. Unfortunately for the demons, they would not give up and sent helicopters our way. Leaning out of the window, I tossed C4 up to them and exploded the charge next to one of the choppers. SUCCESS! The explosion caused one to burst into fire, all demons on board falling to the ground. Before the helicopter blew up, it swerved into a second one and took it out for me. Two helicopters with one C4? Thank you, Jesus!

When we finally made it onto the runway, I could see the airplanes up ahead of us. I instructed Wyldfyre where to go, all the while killing the demon pigs chasing us. Like a mother fucking boss, I stepped out of the car as he pulled a hard turn and immediately began to keep him safe so he could get the airplane started. Seeing my chance, I ran into the passenger seat and Wyldfyre began to take off. “We’re getting out of here, Brother!” Wyldfyre told me. I was looking back, flipping off the cops on the ground, as I said, “Yes! Look to the sk…” As I brought my gaze back forward, a helicopter dropped from the sky and performed a text book kamikaze attack right into our airplane!

After a brief five seconds of darkness, the Good Lord placed us back on Earth in order to continue to do his bidding. Both Wyldfyre and I laughed for about three hours straight over how crazy that cop was. Damn, the devil sure wanted us! Finding a few fat people and killing them for the crime of gluttony and also a few people smoking, we took a car the Holy Spirit wished us to have. Where did we go? Where else? The Rainbow Unicorn, of course!

I didn’t beat around the bush on this one. Before entering, I stabbed the doorman with a broken bottle I found on the ground. Some how everyone inside knew what was coming and they began to charge out of the door, knocking me to the ground. Being the ever ready God Warrior he is, Wyldfyre made sure there was no one surviving this. I managed to put a shotgun into the back of two strippers’ heads and I felt proud. Even with the good work we put in, we were not finished here. I poured gasoline from the entrance into the main room, where I found one patron still cowering. Yes…yes I covered him in gasoline and shot the trail, setting the entire place ablaze, as well as cleansing him in the holy fire. Not surprisingly, the devil was really pissed off and sent his demons after us. Using the enlightenment from the Almighty, Wyldfyre found a way backstage, where we hid. Knowing we were protected, the Great Deceiver gave up after about a minute or so. We walked out knowing we had done God’s work.

After that we decided to run over those who needed to die and made the train smash some cars while we were in them. All in all, a productive time.


Renegade Ranger to the Rescue! (An even more best damn Power Ranger fanfiction ever written!)

Power Rangers: Super Multiverse

Due to popular demand, I am writing another Power Ranger fanfiction set in the multiverse I originally setup. Because the last one I wrote was the absolute best Power Ranger…hell, the best fanfiction of anything…ever written, I swore I wouldn’t write another. However, after all the praise and uncountable death threats I’ve received for not continuing, I feel obligated to do so.


Angel Bay Crest Grove was under constant attack by Evildron and the Rangers weren’t getting much sleep. Every time the Rangers knocked down one monster, another one almost immediately took its place. Sure Evildron had been phoning the monsters in lately, as they were extremely easy to destroy, but the sheer volume of them was now taking its toll. If the Rangers didn’t get help or rest soon, they would die from exhaustion long before the town would remain safe.

“Oh, man! I just want some sueño! A nice little siesta for fifteen minutes!” Carlos screamed as the latest monster exploded. For once, the giant explosion didn’t kill anyone, since most of this area of the city was completely abandoned thanks to both people fleeing and so many people dying during other monster attacks.

“I know what you mean,” Jen agreed, “A nice fall in bed is all I can think about…Hell, I’m not even thinking of using it for sex, just sleep!”

“Damn, you are tired!” Tommy exclaimed, yawning under his helmet.

“Well, I don’t know about you, but I’m done. I’m out. I’m not doing this again. Let the monster attack the fucking city for a few hours. I’m going to bed!” Dustin stated and jumped out of the Megazord. The moment his feet hit the ground, he de-morphed and began running home.

“What a dipshit,” Sky stated as they all left the Megazord as well and de-morphed, “He could have just teleported home. Guess he really is tired as hell.”

“Rangers!” Zordon’s voice cracked over the speaker on their communicators. With a deep sigh, Tommy answered the call.

“No, Zordon, we don’t give a shit if there is another monster attacking the city. Most of this place is trashed and abandoned. We’re getting some sleep!” Tommy shouted. Sky gave Tommy a high-five for being so god damn cool and saying exactly what everyone else was thinking.

“Of course, Tommy,” Zordon said. He knew better than to mouth off to Tommy. Zordon continued, “You get some sleep. I just wanted to let you know I am working on getting you some help.”

“About time, Zordon!” Jen clapped happily, “If you manage to do that, I’ll let you plug into Alpha 5 and slut you up a bit!”

“That would be wonderful!” Alpha’s voice shouted in the background, “We’ll be sure to get you that help!” The communicator went silent and everyone sighed with relief. They agreed to meet back up after a few hours of rest and wouldn’t answer their communicators no matter what.

Meanwhile, with the bad guys…
Deep inside Evildron’s layer he was busy creating his newest, and most powerful, monster ever. Neither the R.A.P.E.B.O.T. nor the M.O.T.H.E.R.F.U.C.K.E.R. had anything on this monster. Given how tired the Rangers were now, they could never hope to destroy this one given how advanced it was. If the R.A.P.E.B.O.T. was a monster design the Rangers had never faced before and the M.O.T.H.E.R.F.U.C.K.E.R. was a speed they had never faced before, this was not only a combination of the two, but it also had power. Evildron learned from his failures, which is a dangerous attribute for a villain.

“Evildron?!” Sloan called out to his master.

“Damn it! What is it, Sloan?!” Evildron screamed over his shoulder, having been startled after sitting in near silence for so long. Rushing into the building room of the lair, still lit by unnecessary candles scattered around for aroma therapy, Sloan rushed up to Evildron, almost out of breath. Sloan had taken Evildron’s habit of not taking many showers, so the candles helped with his smell. Evildron didn’t need many baths, since he didn’t actually sweat, but Sloan was beginning to become rather ripe. Instead of washing, Sloan believed Febreeze and deodorant was actually enough.

“Oh, for the love of god, man, take a shower!” Evildron commented, plugging his nose.

“But…I just did…” Sloan whined, opening his shirt and sniffing at his chest.

“Then take ten more! What do you want?!” Evildron asked, pushing Sloan back.

“Um…you sent me a text message on our two way pager and said you wanted to see me…” Sloan explained, looking down at the ground.

“Of course I did!” Evildron yelled, startling Sloan, “I want you to see as the newest, fastest, and most powerful monster I’ve ever made is finished!” Sloan’s eyes lit up with excitement and he pumped his fist a few time.

“I am so pumped up! Please let me see it!” Sloan begged, rushing over to the darkened bay where they kept the creations as they were being finished. Evildron reached over to his keyboard, entered the last few commands and slowly walked over to Sloan.

“As you know, we’ve been exhausting the Rangers to the point of…well…exhaustion. I have taken cues from our past two ultimate creations and made…uh…well…the ultimate creation!” Evildron said excitedly, slapping Sloan on the back, “Do the honors and hit the lights!” Sloan let out of a school girl like squeal of excitement as he reached over and flipped the large handle into the “on” position.

As the power ran through the lines, several lights turned on with a booming noise, revealing the ultimate creation Evildron had just finished. Taller than any other monster Evildron had created, it also had a form unlike any other monster used before. Sloan’s mouth gaped open as he stared up at it.

“Pretty impressive, eh?” Evildron asked, rubbing his hands together with satisfaction.

“It’s…a…it’s…oh my god…it looks like a blow up doll!” Sloan stated, his voice cracking a few times as he said the words, his throat drying up. Sure enough, the monster stood in humanoid shape with wide eyes and a very open, almost surprised, “O” mouth complete with bright red lips. The outward appearance was female, and it even had the shape of breasts, but no nipples. There was no obvious hole where the vagina or sphincter would be, however.

“Duh!” Evildron spat, “This is the best form for fighting another humanoid with the weapon I’ve equipped it with!” Evildron continued to smile up at his creation while Sloan remained speechless for a few moments.

“What do you call this one, then?” Sloan cautiously asked.

“Keep up now, Sloan. This is the Battalion Leveling, Optimized Weapon, Juggernaut: Oversied Bot! The B, L, O, W…J….O…..B,” Evildron stated, saying the last three letters slower than the previous. Evildron’s hands were slowly rubbing up his waist to his chest.

“Bl…blow job?!” Sloan hoarsely exclaimed, feeling so weak in his knees he actually had to squat down.

“Blow job,” Evildron said in a very slow, satisfied tone as he twisted his nipples. Sloan fell back on his own ass at this point, not exactly sure what to do. He couldn’t speak and his mind was going a mile a minute. Still rubbing his nipples, Evildron looked down at Sloan and raised his eyebrows rapidly a few times while smiling that epic eagle smile.

“This bad bitch has such a powerful weapon, one hit to that Megazord will destroy it!” Evildron said and pointed up at his creation, “Right there in the mouth is where I have it. Unlike the R.A.P.E.B.O.T. there are no ball to give a vasectomy to. Also, the M.O.T.H.E.R.F.U.C.K.E.R. had a problem in its logistics programming. I’ve corrected both issues with this design!” Sloan remained silent, his eyes huge and his mouth trying to form words, but not finding them. With a sigh, Evildron, pulled Sloan to his feet.

“Give the monster some attention, will you? I’m sure it’s feeling neglected,” Evildron instructed Sloan, “Pay special attention to the whole breast. I left the nipples out on purpose!”

Inside the Ranger’s Command Center
“Aye, yi, yi, yiiiiii!” Alpha whined out to Zordon.

“Relax, Alpha 5! I’m sure he got our message,” Zordon told Alpha, who was doing his stupid little robot panic dance.

“I sure hope so, Zordon. The Rangers are too exhausted to keep fighting today!” Alpha cried like a little bitch just as a notification beep began to sound out.

“You got our message!” Zordon said excitedly as Alpha answered the call.

“Yeah, I’m here Zordon. I would have messaged sooner, but I was in the middle of a fine ass bitch,” a voice rang out over the speakers, “So I take it your Rangers are too big of pussies to be able to handle this without my help?”

“Sadly, yes,” Zordon reluctantly admitted, “Without your help, I’m afraid Evildron will kill my Rangers, destroy what’s left of the city, and then soon take over the rest of the world!”

“That’s your worry!” the voice replied laughing, “Even if your Rangers were destroyed, I’d still be able to take Evildron out myself. The only reason I don’t do it right now is because it cuts into my bitches time.”

“Fair enough,” Zordon agreed, “Even still, would you please help us? If my Rangers are destroyed you’ll be taking care of it yourself and that will really cut into your bitches time.” There was a few moments of silence as Zordon’s words sank in. Zordon was speaking the truth, too. The Rangers were the only ones keeping Evildron at bay for now. As crazy and evil as Evildron was, he had O.C.D. and couldn’t multitask very well so he kept focusing almost his entire effort on Angel Bay Crest Grove.

“You would put it like that, wouldn’t you? Damn disembodied head…” the voice said, “Okay, expect me there in about five minutes.”

“Aye, yi, yi, yiiiiii! This is great news, Zordon!” Alpha said happily as he did his happy robot dance.

“Yes, Alpha 5, this will help us considerably to have a green ranger. Now, please focus in on the Rangers with the viewing globe so I can potentially perv on them,” Zordon instructed. Alpha did as he was told, tuning the viewing globe into the Rangers, who were all hanging out at the Angel Bay Crest Grove Booze and Juice Bar.

“At least there have been no monster attacks on the city. A nice seventeen hour sleep is what I needed,” Sky stated, double fisting whiskey sour.

“Yeah, you know I actually ran six miles home forgetting I could teleport?” Dustin asked, daintily sipping on a clear diet cola, “That’s how tired I actually was!” Reaching over, Tommy punched Dustin right in his face, forcing him to spill his drink.

“That’s what you get for being such a little bitch, bitch!” Tommy shouted as Dustin pulled himself back in his chair. Dustin gave Tommy a high-five for putting him in his place because he knew Tommy was right…and so damn cool.

“All I know is I’ve never spent so long in bed without someone else in there with me,” Jen said, finishing off her sixth glass of wine, “I mean, I went three hours before getting myself filled!” Sky didn’t know how to respond. Instead, he just stared at her wide eyed and his mouth open slightly before slowly putting another drink to his lips.

“I was all wrapped up in the sheets like a bean burrito. It was bueño,” Carlos stated with pride, tipping back a full bottle of tequila, “After I got down with Jen, anyway.” Sky was so surprise with the sudden confession from Carlos he actually shot whiskey sour out of his nose, causing him to groan in pain.

“Something wrong, Sky?” Tommy asked, confused since he was sure they had all tapped Jen at one point or another.

“No…not at all!” Sky stammered and then ran to the bar to get another drink. Suddenly a presence so heavy and noticeable washed over them, causing them to look toward the door. The happily yelling of women and a bad ass rock song began to fill the room as the presence got closer.

“Holy…fucking…shit… No…way…” Tommy said quietly. The voices and music got louder until finally the cause of it all entered into the room.

“Oh my god!” Dustin screamed. Jen sat transfixed at the sight before her. She was completely mesmorized and couldn’t take her eyes off the new guy. He was wearing wrap around black sun glasses, tight black jeans, a dark green shirt with a black leather jacket on top of it with a single dark green stripe running down the left side with a dark green “#1” on the right side, and his dark brown hair was slicked back in the coolest way possible. As he stood there, women were desperately trying to cling tighter to him, but his face just said, “These bitches want me, no shit, and I still don’t give a fuck.”

“Who’s he?!” Jen asked, rubbing herself under the table.

“The only person cooler than Tommy…Ziggy Grover!” Sky said getting back to the group and collapsed into his chair, “This is who Zordon got to help us?! He’s practically a Ranger GOD!” Tommy turned back to the table and slammed his fists down on the table as hard as he could, cracking it the entire length.

“Damn it!” Tommy muttered under his breath. Ziggy looked around, threw his arms out to the side and every woman and the music went quiet. Seeing the other Rangers, he pointed to the ground indicated for the women following him to remain where they were and began to groove over to the Rangers’ table.

“So you’re Zordon’s Rangers, huh? No wonder he needs my help,” Ziggy stated, snapping the sunglasses off his face, closing them and storing them inside his leather jacket. Jen jumped up from her chair and fell to his legs. She began rubbing his legs up and down while looking up at him like a begging puppy.

“Hi! I’m Jen!!!” she exclaimed, nuzzling his legs with her cheek.

“Of course you are,” Ziggy said, not trying to remove her. Jen just giggled and began kissing from his calf to his outer thigh repeatedly.

“Yeah, and you must be Doctor K’s Ranger,” Tommy replied snarkily without even turning around.

“Actually, I renamed her Doctor C, as in Doctor Can’t Take Anymore of this Dick Because I Wore The Bitch Out,” Ziggy explained, “So, you must be Tommy. The legend himself…disappointing.” Tommy flipped the table out of anger over how much cooler Ziggy was than himself. Folding his arms, Tommy began to sulk and shut his mouth.

“It’s an honor, amigo!” Carlos said, giving Ziggy a high-five while looking at Tommy in shame wondering how he ever found Tommy cool to begin with.

“It’s going to be nice having some help!’ Dustin said. Ziggy glared over at Dustin before kicking him in the chest, knocking him over two tables.

“Let’s get something straight, maggots: I am not here to help. I am the solution to your problem and then I’m gone. Don’t get in my fucking way and I won’t have to unblock you like a hair clog in a sink. Got it?” Ziggy asked. Jen giggled again and began to massage on Ziggy’s ass with joy. Sky said nothing and simply nodded.

“Understood…” Tommy whispered. Suddenly their communicators sprang to life as Zordon’s voice erupted through in a panic.

“Rangers! We have a serious problem! Evildron’s greatest creation to date is attacking! We need you!” Zordon exclaimed in more of a fit than they had ever heard.

“Don’t worry about it, Zordon,” Ziggy replied, “I’m here and I’ll stop this problem in about ten seconds.” Jen reached up and began to work Ziggy’s penis in his pants, but Ziggy stopped her. “You get to touch it when I allow you to,” Ziggy informed Jen as he forcefully pulled her off him. Reaching toward the sky and snapping his fingers, a bad ass beat began to play as Ziggy stepped back, causing the women to start screaming excitedly once again.

“Let’s do this shit!” Ziggy shouted and performed his morphing choreography, “Get in mother fucking gear!” In a green flash, complete with a massive explosion behind him, which unfortunately killed fifteen, maybe twenty, of the women who had been following him, Ziggy was now morphed into the most powerful Ranger of this universe. Giving the rest of the Rangers the middle finger, Ziggy teleported away to the fight.

“Fuck…he is cool,” Tommy said with a sigh as he faced palmed in shame.

At the area of attack…
“Wow, it is getting really hard to find somewhere to destroy and while killing people around here anymore…” Evildron said to himself, riding on the shoulder of the B.L.O.W.J.O.B. through the old downtown, “Maybe I should have held back a little…”

“Evildron! Evildron!” Sloan’s voice crackled over the dollar store two-way radio they stole in order to contact each other, “A Ranger is headed your way! Maybe you should get off the…the…”

“It’s the B.L.O.W.J.O.B, Sloan. Say it right or don’t say it at all!” Evildron firmly told Sloan, “Who cares if it’s just one Ranger, anyway?” Evildron cracked his knuckles and looked around at the mostly destroyed city. A small bit of sadness came over him, not for the loss of life or destruction in of itself, but the fact he wouldn’t have much to take over if he kept destroying everything. He made a note to himself to stop powering his creations with a highly explosive compound which also turned into a potentially fatal miasma.

“But…but…but…” Sloan stammered. It was too late, however, as Evildron saw exactly who was heading his way. Shrieking like a frightened eagle, Evildron jumped off and teleported to safety. Ziggy was inside the most epic, amazing, and just plain cool looking single Megazord anyone has ever seen, known as the Ultimate Battlezord, and he was hauling ass faster than any of the other Rangers could ever hope for.

“What the fuck?!” Ziggy shouted to himself as he got closer to Evildron’s creation, “Is that what I think it is?!” Leaning back, the B.L.O.W.J.O.B. began to charge the weapon, but Ziggy saw it coming and dodged to the side just as the laser blasted past him. The exact moment the laser was coming to a finish, Ziggy jumped into the air and slammed a kick directly into the breast area of the creature, forcing it to stagger backwards, rubbing its chest.

“Titty fucker!” Evildron screamed, grabbing Sloan by the back of the neck and pointing to the fight, “Did you see that?! That is just rude!” Sloan just whined and groaned as he was forced to watch in the tight grip of Evildron’s hand.

“We’re here to help!” Ziggy heard Dustin’s voice ring out over his speakers.

“Don’t worry, we’ll keep it busy while you destroy it!” Tommy said as their Megazord rushed up to the B.L.O.W.J.O.B. and kneed it right in the face with a sick ass jumping knee strike. You know, like the one you can do in Double Dragon: Advanced on the Gameboy Advanced. That game was fucking awesome! Yeah, that type of flying knee attack. This caused the B.L.O.W.J.O.B. to fall to the ground backwards.

“Yeah, bitch! Who’s fucking who, now?!” Sky screamed. The Megazord then began to teabag the B.L.O.W.J.O.B. rapidly while Carlos sang, “Dip, dip, potato chip!”

“Get off of it!” Ziggy screamed as he saw the creature begin to charge up its weapon. The Megazord sat directly on the creature’s face looking toward Ziggy’s Ultimate Battlezord.

“Why? We’ve got our finger on the pussy trigger in this fight!” Jen giggled over the headset.

“What’s that sound?” Carlos asked, looking down at the floor. Before anyone could answer, the B.L.O.W.J.O.B. let loose its weapon and forced the Megazord up into the air, legs spread, as if it were riding a long, red, never ending dildo into the air.

“You dumb, bitch! The only trigger you understand is the one on your vibrator!” Ziggy shouted to the other Rangers as he heard them screaming as they flew higher and higher into the air. When the laser came to an end, the B.L.O.W.J.O.B. spread its legs wide, propped itself, and stood up in a battle stance. In a streak (do you see what I did there?), the creature was upon the Ultimate Battlezord and kicked it across town and over a mountain.

“Look, Sloan, look!” Evildron shouted happily, jerking Sloan around by the neck haphazardly, “Not even the Ranger god, Ziggy, is standing a chance! This is the ultimate creation!” Sloan was desperately trying to get Evildron to let go of him, but was having no luck doing so.

“Mother…fucker…” Ziggy said to himself as he stood his zord back up, “No more dicking around. I have bitches to get back to. Ultimate God Slayer!” With both hands out to the side, a powerful energy began to swirl around the hands of Ziggy’s Ultimate Battlezord. Thinking it saw a chance, the B.L.O.W.J.O.B. rushed toward its enemy at break neck speed while charging up another shot.

“Imma firin’ mah lazor!” the B.L.O.W.J.O.B. screamed and let loose the blast. A blinding flash which could rival that of being at the center of a star exploding spread for hundreds of miles around. Thinking Ziggy was destroyed, the B.L.O.W.J.O.B. let down its guard and stood straight up with pride. As the blinding light faded and the dust dissipated, the Ultimate Battlezord was still standing, both hands out in front of itself, now holding two of the most awesome looking swords ever, glowing in a powerful green energy.

“Suck on this one,” Ziggy said calmly. Before it could even react, the B.L.O.W.J.O.B. was cut one thousand times in less than a second, causing it to explode while screaming in pain. Lucky for the Megazord, which was now falling to the ground at an unstoppable speed, the force of the explosion was so great, it created enough cushion of compacted air to slow it down and not be destroyed. The Ultimate Battlezord just stood in an even more badass “I don’t give a fuck!” stance than the Megazord ever could as this all happened.

“NO!” Evildron screamed, throwing Sloan to the ground, “NO! What the fuck?! I need a vacation!” Sloan looked up at Evildron and grabbed hold of his leg fast enough to be teleported away with him. Slowly the Megazord stood and the Ultimate Battlezord powered down.

“That…was…awesome!” Dustin screamed and clapped his hands together.

“Yeah…he’s fucking cool…cooler than me…” Tommy admitted out loud.

&nbp;
Evildron was pacing around and throwing whatever he could get his hands on against the wall in his lair.

“Damn it! Another creature destroyed!” Evildron screamed, kicking a door off the hinges, “You know what? I’m going on vacation!”

“Does that mean..?” Sloan asked.

“If you think it means you get time off, then you’re wrong!” Evildron said, calming down a bit and falling into his recliner, “You’re going to stay here and build me another creature. Let’s see what you can do.”

“Oh…okay…I guess I can do that…” Sloan said, sitting across from Evildron and turning on the TV.

“I’m thinking something along the lines of a Fully Upgraded, Controlled Kinetic, Digitally Operated Lethal Lackey,” Evildron said, folding his arms over his chest and focusing on the TV, now reporting his latest failure.

“F…u… Fuck doll?” Sloan asked, looking out of the corner of his eye toward Evildron.

“Fuck doll!” Evildron said happily while clapping and pointing with both hands at Sloan.


There you go! That’s even more of a best damn Power Ranger fanfiction than Evildron’s Master Plan is!

With how great this is, please stop threatening to kill me if I don’t write anymore. This has got to tie you over for at least another ten years it’s so good!

Character Diary #1 (GTA Online)

Character Diary #1
Sunrie

My name is Sunrie. That’s all you need to fucking know, you god damn mooks. That’s the name my associates know me as. That’s the name my “employers” know me as. That’s the name the cops call me.

I’m doing this diary thing on advisement from my friend, Wyldfyre. Yeah, just Wyldfyre, deal with it. We’re all in agreement of no real names. It’d be stupid to do that. So, even for this diary, I’m using Sunrie, just in case someone ever finds and reads it.

Los Santos is a really fucked up place, let me tell you. I’m finding lucrative employment, though, so it’s working out. Still, the down swing in the economy means even my employers aren’t paying as much as they used to for a quick job well done. So, I just sit around milking it. The longer I take, the harder they think I worked, so…whatever.

Sorry, I’m new to this diary thing, so I may be rambling on a bit. Fucking sue me, diary, I dare you! Well…anyway…

I guess for my diary entry, I should recap how I met my two friends. Kind of to give you a taste of what my life has become since moving here. Oh, boy has it become something interesting. Not always good, but interesting.

When I first moved here to Los Santos, I didn’t have any real friends. That is, until I met Wyldfyre. I had been here for two months before this strange fucker entered the picture. Now he’s my bestfriend and I’d take a bullet for him. Actually, I have on a few occasions, thanks to him catching the attention of the cops. He’s even responsible for me getting my first hooker. Granted, I killed the bitch and took the money he paid her for servicing me, but whatever.

Then there’s Maximus. Again, just Maximus, so deal with it. If Wyldfyre is strange, Maximus is fucking insane. I don’t just mean crazy, I mean fucking insane. He’s a wildcard, period. Tell him to do something, and he may just ignore it and turn everything to shit on purpose.

For instance, Wyldfyre and I were showing Maximus around town since he had just arrived. Maximus was strapped for cash and the best way to get it is to steal it. Since the armored cars around the area were running dry, we decided to hit up a little road side store off the highway. Normally we go in, scare the clerk out of all his money, and then run away in a chopper we stole. Yeah, it is kind of strange no one thinks anything of three guys in a helicopter landing outside of a liquor store wearing masks, but…whatever…as I said, this place is fucked up. So I tell Maximus our plan: Go in, scream at the clerk while waving guns, then escape for fun and profit. He assures me he understands. Hell, even Wyldfyre believed him. We didn’t want any bloodshed, because the cops in Los Santos are fucking vicious assholes. The punishment for bumping into someone? Shot to death. The punishment for clipping their car? Shot to death. Every crime in this state is a god damn death sentence! The last thing we wanted was to have a bunch of cops chasing us in the helicopters. With everyone saying they were ready, I walked in totally casual. I asked the clerk how his day was going and then sprung my attack! The clerk put his hands in the air, telling me he was doing it as fast as he could, but I knew he was lying! Wyldfyre started screaming to do it faster when we heard a loud gun shot come from behind us. The clerk slammed against the wall in a bloody mess while Maximus just laughed. God damn that psycho! We didn’t even have the money yet, so I had to jump behind the counter and empty the register. The entire time I was doing this, Wyldfyre started laughing at whatever Maximus was saying, but I was too pissed off to listen. I screamed for everyone to get to the chopper as the cops were closing in. Jumping into the pilot seat, I started the engine and began the take off procedures when I heard Wyldfyre ask, “Uh, Max? What are you doi….OH GOD TAKE OFF!!!!” Not asking questions, I slammed the chopper into full power and began my ascent. Looking backward, I could see a grenade roll towards the gas pumps at the perfect moments the cops were rolling up. “I AM A VATO, BITCHES!” Maximus screamed. I can’t blame him for the shout out…we were the Vato Loco Gang, after all.

Thanks to my awesome chopper skills, I avoided the debris flying through the air, along with several cop bodies. If they weren’t pissed off before,t hey were now! I would say, on a scale of zero to five, with five being the most pissed off, they were a four. Making sure the throttle was cranked as high as it could go, I pushed forward on the stick to get our ass out of there. Suddenly, a bright spot light all but blinded me as the police helicopters circled in. Two of them! This wasn’t going to be easy, but with my skills, I knew I had a good chance to out fly them.

I told everyone to hang on as I was going to try some serious shit to get away. That’s when I heard gun fire coming from the back of the chopper. Yeah, Maximus was shooting at the cops with a god damn pistol as they chased us in a helicopter! It’s like he just wanted to get us put into the hospital. That shit is more expensive than the money we just took, plus we’d lose all the money we just got if we did! Wyldfyre’s laughing his ass off, which caused me to start laughing my ass off as we dove beneath bridges, hard cut around buildings and were trying to get away. Of course, every gun shot from Maximus let them know where we were, so it wasn’t going so well. To make matters worse, I noticed the engine was smoking like crazy. The helicopter was shaking like a baby in the hands of a British nanny and the alarms were going off. “Shit, shit, shit!” I screamed out to them, “Hold on! We’re going down, buddy!” Sure enough, the engine quickly cut power as we rounded a building, dropping us like a rock. By the hand of God or Buddha, the helicopter lifted up once more as we neared Vinewood Hills. Managing to put the chopper down, I screamed for everyone to run separate directions to distract the cops. Wyldyfre took off and so did I, but what did Maximus do? He followed me, randomly shooting pedestrians and cops alike! Okay, I thought that WAS pretty funny and it did give us a chance to steal a cop car.

I told Maximus I would drive since he drove like shit, and we began our get away. They damn cops were on us like stink on diarrhea. Every time I’d think we’d broken their sight of us, either Maximus would kill someone or the choppers would find us. Deciding there was nothing I could do about Maximus, I began to run people over for fun in the cop car. Wyldfyre, in touch with us through our headsets, kept screaming how the cops were on his ass, and his car was taking a harder pounding than a porn star. His words, not mine. Seeing a possibility for escape, I jumped the car into one of the many underground tunnels and begged Maximus to just stay quiet. Thank god he did because we lost the cops. The next thing I know, I hear Wyldfyre begging for help because he could only drive in reverse due to the damage on his car. I began to make my way out to him, but…I kind of got the car stuck in the tunnel. Just…don’t ask…it was wet, slippery and…well…it got stuck.

Maxiums told me to hang on and he’d help out. His idea of help? He stole a car and proceeded to try ramming me out of the ditch. Did it work? Well, if his intention was to get another car stuck, then yes. Getting out of the car and trying to figure out what to do next, Wyldfyre’s voice crackled over the headset like a madman. He was laughing his ass off how he just outran the cops, who were like a four out of five pissed off, in reverse with nothing more than a pistol and that fucked up car! Yeah, I don’t know how he did it, either! We are talking about the guy who would later shoot a chopper out of the sky with a pistol and another time with a musket so…whatever.

I split up our take and Maximus, the unbelievable psycho he is, wanted to hit another store. So…of course we did. After I stole another chopper, though.

So, there you go, diary, my first entry. I’ll write more in you from time to time as things happen.


Just check out these reviews for Sunrie’s WordPress site:

“He’s…maybe not a racist!” – User13277

“WTF?!” – Wyldfyre

“Seriously? Why do you write this? I mean, really? That picture, too? Did you really need that, babe? That’s disgusting…No. No! God damn it, stop typing what I’m saying!” – Sunrie’s Wife

“Your father and I did our best.” – Sunrie’s Mother

If those aren’t endorsements, I don’t know what is!