Christmas Songs: Analyzed and Insulted

Ah, Christmas time. I actually really love it. Even though I have more fun during Halloween…and I have yet to get a Christmas tree since I have just gotten home after being gone for a while…I do love Christmas. After all, like most people know, I’m not really a Jew, I’m just kind of Jew-ish.

The one thing which does annoy the hell out of me during this time of year, however, are some of the common Christmas songs we hear over and over and over again. There are some I like, such as Carol of the Bells with no vocals to ruin it, there are others which just annoy the ever living piss out of me. I’m not going to cover some of the ones already done by other popular authors, such as Maddox, so don’t expect to see “Baby, It’s Cold Outside” or “Rudolph: The Red Nose Reindeer”. I won’t even cover “The Grinch; Who Stole Christmas”.

Here are some of the Christmas carols I can’t stand and why. However, before I began, let me start off by saying the name of one of Santa’s reindeer is Dunder not Donner. It’s Dutch for Thunder, you fucking idiots. Lastly, it’s Blixem not Blitzen. His name means Lightening.


The Little Drummer Boy

You know what? Fuck that little drummer boy. He’s one of the reasons the night was anything but silent (I’ll get more on that later). Yeah, this is what every six hour old child wants: Some two year old little twat to show up and start smacking on a drum while they’re trying to sleep!

There’s a damn good reason why God sent Jesus and not me. See, if I was less than 24 hours hold and this asshole showed up banging on his drum while all I wanted to do was sleep after drinking me some breast milk, the world would be very different. I wouldn’t have gone to that cross. The Bible would be dramatically altered because of it. No one would have been saved.

That entire book written about Jesus would have been about three paragraphs long with me and that drummer boy involved. Basically, it would name the child so every future generation knew exactly who fucked it up for the entire world and no one would name their child anything close to it, then after about three sentences it would just be rambling.

Example:

It was then and there the savior was born. Sadness in our hearts, however, as two year old Amani Kivi Bahir came with his drum, pounding on it with all he could, which made the baby Sunrie realize there was nothing to save in this world. A world now forever stuck without the sacrifice of the lamb, we do live in, which meant the chill ass wise men who brought the gold, frankincense and mur never did get their pimped out party with the savior on his eighteenth birthday.

The next two sentences and two following paragraphs would be the scathing rant written by myself. I would not be kind, either. There would be nothing you could do about in religion, either, because the Bible is the word of God. You can’t censor that or you’d be in even bigger trouble than you’d already be in. Yeah. Let that sink in for a bit.


O’ Christmas Tree

Why are people singing to their trees? This is some major pagan bullshit, right here. I’m pretty sure God is pissed off any and every time you sing this. This may be one of those few things that’ll send you to hell!

Is this song to lull the tree into acceptance of it’s fate? You’ve chopped down a tree. You took the tree from its home, friends, and family. You’re making it die very slowly. The whole thing is a major dick move.

Really, the whole act is similar to beating a midget to an inch of its life, giving it an IV drip, dressing it up in a festive manner, and then watching him die an agonizing death. Come to think of it…I may have a new holiday tradition! No one will beat my “Elf on the Shelf”!


All I Want for Christmas is My Two Front Teeth

This song is beyond stupid. I don’t think the English language has a word foul enough to describe how annoying this song truly is. Not just the song, but the little girl who sings it, too! It’s so terrible I’m not even going to suggest you look it up when I normally would. Look, I know this is supposed to be a cute story during a time of innocence and simplicity, but I want to gut this kid like Jack the Ripper’s next victim!

The lyrics are annoying as all get out, too. At one point the little bitch actually complains that it’s been “…so long since I could say, ‘Sister Susie sitting on a thistle!'”. What…the…fuck? At what point should that ever come up in a conversation. Why the hell is “sister Susie” sitting on a god damn thistle?! Do I even want to know? I already know there was a time sex toys were near impossible to get, but come on! Even if that’s not the story here, why would it ever be appropriate to say this phrase?

For the love of it all…the whistling in the song takes top spot in the SHUT THE FUCK UP, YOU GOD DAMN KID!!!!!! category. The whole thing is forced to make it sound like breath blowing through two missing front teeth. I’ve never known this to happen. Yes, some people have a whistle when they talk, but it’s usually less of a tooth issue and more of a how-the-tongue-is-being-held-in-the-mouth issue.

At the end of the song, bitch cakes tries saying “Wish you a Merry Christmas”, but keeps failing. Yeah, just like her parents failed at giving birth to a functional child who will ever hope to benefit society, she fails at saying a simple phrase. What does she do? Well, she screams, “A HAPPY NEW YEAR!” instead. Excuse me? How the fuck is that hard to say without missing any two front teeth? She obviously can do it no problem, and it’s completely out of line for the song itself.

I think for New Years she’s going to need all of her god damn teeth if she doesn’t keep her mouth shut around me.


Silent Night

Remember what I said about the night being anything but Silent? Yeah, this is it. The song talks about how it’s a silent night, but I know the truth, and now you will, too. You may want to take notes, but you can always use this as reference, so…whatever.

How the hell can there have been a silent night when we have, according to multiple other accounts through song, angels singing, a little boy banging his drum, Santa Clause shouting his catchphrase, reindeer rattling bells, a full on carol of bells, a woman screaming from child birth followed by a newborn screaming, three wise men chatting it up with the new parents, and a manger full of baying animals?! That night, much like the slow pending divorce of your parents, was anything but silent.

Honestly, how could anyone confuse the first Christmas, which wasn’t even on December 25th, with having a silent night? Sorry, but Franz Xaver Gruber was a total dipshit. A real song about that night would be screaming death metal along the lines of Schatten Aus Der Alexander Welt. What? The song is by a band called Bethlehem. Seems appropriate given the topic. Screw you.


I could go on a few more, but I’m sure you get the point. If you don’t, well, whatever, like I care.

Merry Christmas. Don’t let the Muslims blow you up.

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Open letter from Rockstar Games marketing department

As an avid game journalist with one of the highest integrity ratings around, I was privy to receive an open letter to the gaming community from Rockstar Games, written by Take-Two Interactive’s marketing department. While the contents may shock some people, I’m not surprised with the attitude.

Rockstar Games was founded in 1998 to create the most innovative and progressive interactive entertainment, and some people have found ways of cheating in order to ruin the game for everyone else in a server…But it doesn’t matter, because our games are on the cover of multiple magazines and posters. Look how cool our characters from Grand Theft Auto V look holding those guns while surrounded by expensive cars. If you play our game online and give us more real money to afford our expensive virtual items, you’ll be that cool, too. And chicks will dig you.

At Rockstar Games, we allowed you to go online with a bunch of people, just like a bunch of other companies have done, dating back to 1996. However, ours is better, because we charge you astronomical prices for in game items in order to make you buy our Shark Cards. Because you suck, and we hate you.

You gave us $1.8 billion US in three days for Grand Theft Auto V. It may have been buggy, it still doesn’t include half the features we promised, and most of you can’t afford our in game items, but that’s your fault. If you were real fans and real gamers, you would love everything we’ve done to the game and to you. Once again, look at those new items we released in the Flight School update. You know you want those items. If you were a real gamer and a real fan, you would have enough money from grinding every hour of every day, only playing our game, or you’d buy our Shark Cards for $50 US a piece until you could afford it. And by the way, check out those cuts to the jobs we did for doing them fast and efficiently instead of wasting time. If you were really a true gamer and fan, you wouldn’t mind it. Plus, we interviewed 100 people and they all like it without complaining. Real fans would lick our boots clean, give us their entire paycheck, and tell everyone to do the same. If you don’t like it, that’s because you’re not a true fan nor gamer.

By the way, our expensive in game items like the Milijet and Buzzard Attack Chopper, are the bestest things ever, and totally worth the asinine scalped prices, but note that any other company which does this with their games, like Capcom, are commie jerks. Not that it matters, because you bought our game and we want more money from you. Because you suck, and we hate you, but you know you’ll keep coming back, eventually breaking down and buying our Shark Cards. We can continue to beat you down like Chris Brown does to Rhianna, but you’ll come back…you always do.

Buy more Shark Cards or we’ll keep removing your ability to earn money effectively in the game.

Sincerely

Take-Two Interactive Marketing Department by care of Rockstar Games. Because you suck. And we hate you.

Helping Parents Understand Their Gamer Child


Does your child play a lot of videgames and you just can’t seem to connect to them? Are you attempting to understand games more so you can relate? Is your intention to understand the “videogame culture”? Well, you’ve come to the right place. My intention for this entry is to help parents, and others, how to understand the niche world of videogames. You’ll learn how to understand the Entertainment Software Rating Board (ESRB) and the different terminology used in reference to different things having to do with videogames.

Entertainment Software Rating Board (ESRB)
We’ll start off with one of the most confusing, complicated, and worthless of information: the ESRB.

The ESRB is a board of random people who volunteer, much like the Motion Picture Association of America (MPAA). Developers submit their game to the board and, based off a list of items, decide what the game will be rated at. While there is no law mandating a game be submitted to be ESRB, just like no law requires an MPAA rating for a movie, most “brick-and-mortar” retailers will not carry videogames without one.

On the back of every game is the ESRB rating.

Unlike the MPAA, the ESRB is a confusing system. See, while the MPAA is very obvious with ratings such as G, PG, PG-13, NC-17 (same as an R rating…so….), R, and X/XX/XX with no additional information as to why these are rated the way they are, the ESRB not only puts the rating on the box such as E (everyone), E10+, T (teen), M (mature), and AO (Adult Only), they also put all the reasons why a game is rated the way it is.

So much information is always confusing. I mean, how can you understand a game rating when it says E10+ and lists comedic violence, animated blood, and crude humor as well? Shouldn’t it just be like the MPAA where a rating is given with no explanation? After all, an R rating is an R rating with no difference between movies. The 40 Year Old Virgin is the same R rating as The Expendables, so they are obviously rated R for the same reasons.

Actually…just ignore the rating system all together. It’s worthless. Buy any game you want and never ask questions.
 
 
General Slang
Gamers use a lot of slang in reference to many things in the culture. While some slang is similar to words used by the vast majority of others, the meanings are not the same. It is important to remember that. Also, this is not an all inclusive list. What I have here are the most important ones.

Gamer
The term “gamer” is hotly debated amongst the gaming community. Some people argue the fact someone plays any videogame makes them a gamer, that is not the accepted definition. The general consensus on the term “gamer” is the following:

Any person who’s main hobby is playing a wide variety of videogame genres in lieu of other activities

So, if your child only plays Skylanders, they aren’t a gamer, they are just playing a game. If your child is only playing Call of Duty: Ghosts, not only do they have poor choices in games, they are not a gamer, they just play a game.

FPS
Said as the individual letters, this one is another confusing term. If the game in question has to do with shooting brown people until they stop moving, then it means “First Person Shooter”. If FPS is in reference to how well the game is running, it means “Frames Per Second”.

Clan
Not to be confused with the Klan (KKK), a clan is a group of players who play together either for fun or competition against other clans. This is a micro-community within the minor-community (game specific). If your child has a small series of letters, between three and four, before their gaming name, chances are they are part of a clan.

This is all healthy and expected among many players in certain types of games. FPS, for example, have a heavy reliance on clans. So do massive multiplayer online (detailed further down) games. Don’t worry, there have only been sixteen recorded instances of mass suicides in regards to gaming clans.

MMO
It’s not a sound a cow makes! Just like FPS, this is said as the individual letters and means “massive multiplayer online”. Generally these games are role-playing games set in a fantasy or science fiction universe.

Most of the appeal of an MMO comes from pretending you’re a strong/important person if you’re worthless, pretending you’re a female when you’re a male, and pretending you’re an underage girl if you’re the FBI. For some people, the allure of interaction with others without any of the actual interaction is a draw. As for the games…they consist of running from town to a far off area, collecting something, bringing it back, and doing so for the next 300 hours all for a $15 a month price tag just to play.

Lag
Lag is a massive delay in what is happening in the game to what you are seeing. It’s also known as “God damn fucking bullshit / Fuck this shit / What the fuck / Fucking lag / I’ll fucking kill these fucking fuckholes”.

Lag is to gaming what Colorado drivers are to the road: Ruins the experience of being there.

Gamer Specific Slang
Now on to more specific gamer slang. Just like before, this is not an all inclusive list, and is just a list to help you on your way.

Noob
Someone who is new and is terrible at the game. Noobs can make a team lose by the simple act of being present on the team. There are even times when people have tens of hours into a game and they are still noobs.

Ignore anyone calling someone a noob because they are using a certain strategy which is working against them. They’re idiots.

Squeaker
A young child who’s voice sounds like a dog’s squeaking toy every time they open their mouths, making people’s ears figuratively, and sometimes actually, bleed. No one likes a squeaker. If your child hasn’t gone through puberty yet, take the microphone away from them. Chances are, they’re just calling people niggers anyway.

Bear
Bears are people who like to focus on MMO’s. Regardless of what character type and gender a person is playing, if they play MMO’s as their main form of videogame entertainment, they are a bear.

There are different kinds of bears, too:

  • Brown Bear
    -Someone who enjoys playing as an animal tamer

  • Black Bear
    -Someone who enjoys playing as a girl when they’re a boy

  • Sticky Bear
    -Someone who enjoys playing as a boy when they’re a girl

  • Honey Bear
    -Someone who enjoys playing as a thief

  • Golden Bear
    -FBI pretending to be an underage girl

Should your child like to dress up as a bear, they aren’t a “bear” in the gamer sense…they’re a “fur fag”, which is totally different.

Faggot
Remember when I said some words are similar, but have different meanings? This is one of them! The word faggot refers to anyone who is cheating in the game. Usually when asked, “What is wrong?” after hearing someone screaming about “This fucking faggot!!!”, they will say, “Someone’s hacking!” Hacking and cheating are pretty much the same thing, and faggot means someone doing either of them.

When used in the gaming culture, faggot does not have anything to do with homosexuality. Gamers don’t care if another gamer is gay, only if they are black. This is why the word nigger means exactly the same thing, but faggot does not. FOR SOME REASON, GAMERS HATE BLACK PEOPLE.

Power Top
Players in an FPS can be extremely aggressive. While not abnormal, the most aggressive and in charge players are known as “power tops”.

Power tops generally want to always be number one in the game, be the reason their team was rallied to victory, and lead the squad or team. A power top will be the one most likely pointing out the faggots, yelling at the noobs, and calling out people for simply sucking badly. If your child exhibits these behaviors, chances are they are a power top and will appreciate being called one.
 
 
What You Can do to Get in With Your Kid
Kids crave attention, and if they aren’t getting it from you, they’re going to get it from the guy the FBI is trying to catch.

At the very least you should watch them from a distance at first. As you learn more about their gaming habits, you can start to encroach a little more each time. Eventually you’ll want to be sitting down with them and either just watch them or play.

As you slowly make your way into their world, make references to how they are a power top, or a bear, or how the faggots are ruining the game for them. It goes a long way to a gamer when a parent shows understanding and interest in their hobbies. They don’t expect you to join them, they just want your acceptance.

If you do decide to join them, however, you’re in for a treat! The easiest way to do so in get on a gaming console and become their friend under a gaming alias. Gaming as a family provides hours of entertainment and valuable family time. If you do go the alias route, only reveal yourself when you feel they’re ready.

If You Decide You Like Gaming
Gaming is as addictive as highly refined cocaine, some psychologists want you believe, so caution must be taken. There are many tales of people losing their minds and lives mid game for reasons science is still researching.

One case in point is of the woman to the right. Her name is Alexandra Tobias and she is serving six life sentences for the mutilation of her three year old daughter. Alexandra was so lost in the fantasy of playing Dig Dug, she lost all hold of reality. Taking a rubber hose, she put it into her daughter’s mouth and blew her up like a balloon. The scene was so devastating and grotesque, several first responders committed suicide just days after witnessing it.

Another case is James Rolf. What happened? Well, James Rolf was so obsessed with beating the game Dr. Jykell and Mr. Hyde he wouldn’t eat, sleep or bathe. Finally, after a two week marathon of gaming, he dropped dead from exhaustion, only two screens from his goal.
 
 
Conclusion
Watch yourself and start getting some time with your child. If you can manage the addictive nature of the gaming, you’re in for a long life of happiness!

A few ways games and designers can advance (s)


Here, in the cesspool known as the Internet, there is a huge out crying to videogame designers for certain changes in the way games are presented in terms of the characters. Some people are making claims such as, “It’s about time that we had XXX”, or even, “Why not make XXX a YYY just because?” Well, thank god the game designers don’t listen to those idiots.

However, just like a shiny piece of corn in an otherwise pile of muddy diarrhea, there is some small glimmer of intelligence in those requests. Unlike them, who present the notions and ideas like a child wearing a helmet licking glass in a candy store, I’m going to bring up them up in a way which actually makes sense. Made it past the “trolololo” intro? Good, you’re on your way to some enlightenment as a gamer and/or designer.

This isn’t going to be straight forward list, since I absolutely despise that “writing” style, so expect to read. I’ll also list a few games which got “it” right after each subject addressed.


1. More Male or Female Selections or Just Good Female Protagonists
I’m loving the fact more games are showcasing more females as leads. Not because it’s needed, it’s just a nice new take on things. I’ll admit to being a little burned out on playing the badass Rambo-esque guy. There are obviously games which need it, but let’s have some fresh takes on things. Games like Outlast, even though they feature a male lead, are excellent because you’re not a walking death-god. There was nothing scary about F.E.A.R. outside of jump scares because you could take out anything in your path. <– (A conversation for another entry)

What we do need is the ability in more games to choose if you’re male or female. There has to be a reason for it, though, and not a “just because”. Lara Croft, as the best example, has proven people don’t give a damn if you’re male or female in a game which doesn’t give you the option of choosing as long as the character is likeable and the gameplay is solid. Skullgirls was awesome and featured an all female cast.

We don’t need a female protagonist in Grand Theft Auto. Would it be an interesting change? Yes. It’s not needed, though. Is it really necessary to make your hero a woman? No, but if it fits, then do it. Don’t do it just because a bunch of whiny, hand out babies demand it.

Games which got it right:
Skyrim
Fable 1/2/3
Borderlands 1/2
Grand Theft Auto 5: GTA Online
Mass Effect 1/2/3
Skullgirls
Tomb Raider (all entries)
Neverwinter Nights 1/2
Dragon Age: Origins
Left 4 Dead 1/2


2. LB/GT Options and Characters
Before a lot of my reader base starts screaming at me over the fact I don’t support gay marriage: Shut up.

There, so anyway, as long as things are there for a reason, why not? I’m not interested in having my male character slam butts or having my female character slam clams, but there should be the option for those who do. Obviously this wouldn’t work in all games, but for open world games where we’re supposed to be making up our own version of the story this would make sense. Of course it wouldn’t make sense if it’s established characters such as Grand Theft Auto 5, so don’t start thinking along those lines.

How about some gay antagonists, such as Gay Tony from Grand Theft Auto 4: Episodes from Liberty City: The Ballad of Gay Tony? Say what you will, he was antagonist for sure. Maybe not directly to your character, but oh yeah, he was a bad guy. Or how about Silva from Skyfall? The enemy doesn’t have to be like he’s marching in a pride parade (a dildo strapped to and pointed into his butt while wearing a thong, fruit basket hat, and screaming, “I’m a pony! I’m a pony!”), but he could help make things uncomfortable. I know Silva sure made things creepy in Skyfall.

For the love of god, though, don’t go the damn Dr Who or, more specifically, Torchwood route where everyone is bi-sexual. Give me a damn break. Sorry, but Russell T. Davies only thinks he can write for adults. No, Anthony Burch, he doesn’t know how to write LB/GT characters and you need to stop taking writing cues from him. Oooh, I’m such a bitch.

Also, don’t force it on gamers. Don’t force gamers to engage in the activities, just leave it as an option if they so wish. Then again, forcing your player to deal with an LB/GT interaction to make them uncomfortable is okay. If the character is straight and suddenly they’re forced into a situation they have to get away from, then hey, that’s all fair enough.

Would I have a problem playing a lesbian or gay character in a narrative? Nope, just don’t force me to engage in sexual activities. We aren’t forced to engage in sexual activities in games with straight characters. Just be fucking mature about this and don’t think you HAVE to put those activities in the game just to emphasis the sexuality of the characters.

Games which got it right:
Fable 1/2/3
Skyrim
Grand Theft Auto 4: Episodes from Liberty City: The Ballad of Gay Tony


3. Racism and Sexism
Be it your protagonist, antagonist, or NPC, include it. Racism and sexism is real and should not be avoided. Father Comstock in Bioshock: Infinite was such an excellent antagonist because he was much more than a fist shaker. He had personality and his deep rooted racism helped define him. The racism portrayed by father Comstock helped give me reason to hate him.

I know what some of you are thinking: Vaas from Far Cry 3 made you hate him! Not really…I never had a reason to hate neither him nor Buck. I didn’t think they were good people and felt that gaming world was better off without them, but I never felt the deep seated urge to full on annihilate them.

Racism and sexism can both help the player to either despise or agree with someone. If you don’t think there are people out there who played Red Dead Redemption and agreed with Herbert Moon, well, you’re wrong. Also, making a character racist or sexist can give the character more flavor. It’s a great way to make the player feel a little uncomfortable. A character’s in-game friend who is one, either, or both can give the player that conflicting emotion in a game filled with choices, be them moral, ethical, or mission based.

What I’m very obviously not talking about here is anything like Ride to Hell. That’s just pure exploitism and provides nothing to the experience. Still, there would be nothing wrong with finding out the main villain or even an adversary is running a forced prostitution ring which needs to be broken up or something similar. What about a woman who hates men just because? No reason, she just hates men because of some stupid skewed view of the world? Yeah, paint feminism in that terrible light just like chauvinism.

Games which got it right:
Bioshock: Infinite
Red Dead Redemption
Skyrim
Mass Effect 1/2/3


4. Female Villains and Enemies
Right up there with the ability to choose a male or female character is to have more female enemies. Some women are just bad people and some women are bad people who actually hurt people or have them hurt. I find Brooke Augustine from Infamous: Second Son to be one of the best female antagonists ever. She was highly effective, extremely sure of herself, and even had the “I’m the good guy!” mentality. Another great villain was Astonema from Power Rangers: In Space. She was extremely effective and just kicked ass. Why aren’t we seeing more of this?

Also, there really does need to be more female enemies. I’m tired of shooting the same carbon copy men. Skyrim got this right with having female enemies show up in the mix. Trust me, only a very small group of people, who aren’t going to be playing your game anyway, will be having problems with killing female enemies. This isn’t a domestic violence issue. This isn’t a sensitivity issue (WTF doesn’t that mean anyway?). It’s a political and bias issue for not doing it. Looking at you, Anthony Birch, once again. Yep…gotta call you out on this bullshit.

If I’m going against a criminal organization, chances are, there’s going to be some females involved in the illegal activities by choice. Sex traders let women be in charge of looking after, forcing, and “educating” the women they kidnap into the trade. Let’s see that reflected in the games.

Want equality? Start giving it and stop looking away from making women or certain demographics be involved. Also, make the females human!

Game which got it right
Skyrim
Infamous: Second Son
Mass Effect 1/2/3
God of War 1/2/3
Left 4 Dead 1/2


There…there’s four ways you can mature and evolve in game design and story writing. Don’t let your political biases or personal whinings to limit you in it all.

Want to stop bullying? Ask me how! (s)

People fight...deal with it!
This has been pissing me off for a while. Everyone is on this “anti-bullying” kick and it’s become nothing more than a fucking meme. I hate memes, fads, and bandwagons. What I hate more are a bunch of worthless, weak individuals who think crying about everything and waiting for others do things for them is the solution to problems. Along the same hate lines, I hate people who think they can push people around with absolutely no consequence, and do everything they can to make sure you can’t.

There are a ton, and I do mean a ton, of bullshit “inspirational” images out there on the web, articles in magazines, commercials and even stupid campaigns about bullying. They’re worthless. No matter how many commercials you have, no matter how many images you make, and no matter how many retarded pink shirts you all wear one day a year, you aren’t going to stop bullying. Why? Because it’s human nature and bullying is actually necessary.

Oh, and no, this write up won’t be in list form. I’m sick of that, too. This also isn’t a “How To Guide” in my traditional “How To Guide” sense.

Part of the problem with bullying these days is the fact almost everything is considered bullying. Did someone call someone stupid for asking how to chew gum? BULLYING! Did someone push a kid who was too scared to go down the slide and was frozen crying their eyes out down the slide to get them off of it? BULLYING! Did someone demand work get done as fast as possible all the time while never thanking anyone for them doing their job? BULLYING! Did someone get teased for doing not just one thing, but many things like a moron? BULLYING! Did someone get told their mismatched clothing, done on purpose, doesn’t look good? BULLYING! Did someone not get treated as a perfect, unique, beautiful snowflake? BULLYING!

Eat shit, nerd!None of that is bullying! Just because another person doesn’t like you and lets you know, does not mean you’re not being bullied.

Bullying is when a specific target is selected for constant physical, emotional and/or financial abuse without warrant with the specific intent to cause harm be it physically, emotionally and/or financially. If someone is constantly being beaten up and having their money stolen by the same person, then that’s bullying. If a person is constantly forced into a corner while they are berated with insults until they cry and it goes on every time they are seen by the individual doing the insults, that’s bullying. If a person is beaten up for no other reason than to be beaten up by the same person or people at all times randomly, that’s bullying. Basically, the democratic party if you want a political connection.

So, you’re probably wondering at this point when I’m going to get on about how to stop the actual bullying. I’m getting to that, you impatient bastards. ˂fake crying>Stop bullying me!!! WAAAAA!!!!˂/fake crying>

One for sure way to do it is to stop teaching people they are special and should be respected no matter what. Heads up, fuck heads, you aren’t special, you aren’t unique, and you sure as shit aren’t a beautiful snowflake to be cherished. Just because you are alive on this planet doesn’t mean you are worth it. Just because you are unique does not mean you are useful. Just because you are special does not mean you are welcome. Stop thinking your existence is enough to be left alone or not be bothered. Stop teaching your children they are special to the world. Very few will be and the vast majority of the population as a whole is only alive thanks to modern medicine and conveniences.

Boo hoo, bitch!  So long!Look at what happened to Rebecca Sedwick. She committed suicide because of bullies at school and on Facebook. Why she didn’t delete her Facebook or put it on private or anything else, I don’t know. Actually, I do know…she was a fucking idiot. One of the two girls arrested even claimed, “Yes ik I bullied REBECCA nd she killed her self but IDGAF”. Good for her. Do you people not understand these bullies don’t fucking care about you? Almost the entire god damn world doesn’t give a fuck about you. Welcome to the real world, Rebecca Sedwick, it’s too bad you couldn’t deal with it and left, but most of us aren’t even sad about it. One less overly emotional, bat shit crazy bitch to spread her weakness to future generations.

The ones to blame are Rebecca, her friends, and her family. Her parents not only should have been more active in her life, but they should have taught her to deal with it and fight back. Her death is on her parent’s hands. Mr and Mrs Sedwick, this message is for you: You’re 50% responsible for you daughter’s suicide while 5% of it goes to the “bullies”, 5% to her friends/extended family and 40% on Rebecca herself. She wasn’t a wonderful, beautiful girl with so much to offer.

Harsh? Too fucking bad. As I said, welcome to the real world. If you can’t hang, then hang yourself. If you need help, here’s some help: Suicide: Getting it Right the First Time! Link will open in a separate window.

We can’t end bullying by trying to force people to care about everyone. I can’t be bothered to give a shit about everyone on this planet. There’s really only so much love in a heart to give, and with God, family, a very select group of friends, and America, there’s really nothing left in there.

What we can do to help curb this behavior, is not only by no longer teaching people they should be respected just for living and coddling them, but teaching them how to deal with it better. You’re going to be made fun of, you’re going to learn most of the world doesn’t care if you live or die, you’re going to meet people who don’t like you and you’re going to never fit in with anything other than a specific, and often very small, group of people. I don’t mean by going out and hitting a punching bag or by crying to a psychologist (can’t spell psycho without psychologist), oh no. There are much better ways. One is getting physical either by yourself or with a large group of people who are fed up with it, or by understanding if you are intentionally putting yourself outside of the society norm, you’ll be treated that way.

If you’re dressing like a depressing fuck and talking about suicide, then people are going to fucking avoid you. If you’re only ever talking about My Little Pony and you’re a 13 year old boy, then you’re going to be teased! If you sit around with braces drooling, whining when you sneeze because it hurts, are allergic to your own snot, and try to get the jocks to play the most recent edition of Dungeons and Dragons, then expect to get pushed around. If you just cower and cry when your own shadow is in front of you, then you’re going to get your ass kicked! Humans don’t like anything not associated with “normal human”, and those things aren’t “normal human”. Not everyone has an IQ over 98 here in America and most jocks have an IQ even lower than that. My tested IQ with MENSA is 136 about two weeks prior to this writing, which explains why everyone around me seems so god damn stupid.

Try and take it, pussy!What you need to do is learn to not give one fuck about it. Don’t like the social norms? Fine, then do what you want, but don’t expect everyone to accept it. After all, you aren’t being like them because they are a certain way, so why get whiny over all of it when they act the way you are intentionally avoiding? Own what you are. When you don’t give one fuck about it, people don’t feel like bothering you. It’s only when you start giving an emotional response do they continue on. Some people tease me about the colored grip and coloring on my gun, but do you think I give a shit? Nope. I think it looks bad ass, and I shoot better than 90% of anyone I meet. Not to mention, how pissed off are you going to be if I drill you with a blue “sparkly” gun? Yeah…probably very. Not to mention, how confident must I be to open carry that? Yep. Very.

Learning to deal with it is the first step to being a well rounded individual with a healthy mental state.

One of the best, and my favorite ways, of fixing this problem is violence. Violence is always an answer, but it has to be done right. You can’t be like these twats who believe shooting up everyone is the answer. No, just violence against the person or people directly involved. If you feel violence is never an answer, then please give me your address so I can take over every aspect of your life. Just remember, you can’t fight back physically, as you are “better” than that.

What I’m getting at here is to teach people to fight the fuck back. People push others around because there are no consequences to them. A bully is a bully until they meet another bully. Then they are either friends or a pussy. Give a bully some consequence and they tend to calm the hell down. The reason people, in major cities especially, perform robberies in liquor stores or pedestrians is because they know people have been told to “Just give it up!” The clerk’s aren’t allowed to do anything except hand over money, and people on the street are so neutered, they don’t know how to fight back. States with Stand Your Ground laws kick ass and crime in legal citizens armed areas is always lower.

Fighting back kicks ass. Even though violence isn’t necessarily the first response, it should be at least the second option. You can’t reason with a bully. You can’t make nice with a bully. You can’t talk a bully down…unless you talk them down with a real threat of violence which won’t end well for them. Schools don’t seem to understand this.

I remember telling my youngest brother, who was attacked without provocation and was being suspended for simply being involved in a fight, even though he didn’t fight back, right in front of his principal the next time I have to come and get him for getting suspended over a fight, he better hit the kid in the back of the head with a brick. After all, if he was going to get suspended it better damn well be worth it.

The law says you can fight back. Fuck what you believe is polite or socially acceptable. Defend yourself and fight! Your happiness, well being, and safety is completely up to you. Even if you can get someone else to give a shit about any of that for you, they aren’t going to do it forever. You have to fight back.

Violence has solved most of the problems in the world. It’ll solve your bully problem, too.

Stop apologizing for what you say and stop demanding apologies!


There’s nothing like the good ol’fashioned apology, now is there? You say or do something which hurts someone else, be it in a relationship, between family members, or a stranger and so you apologize. If someone does or says something you don’t like, you get an expect an apology from them. After all, that’s what is supposed to happen, right? Not always and mostly not.

The problem with apologies and apologizing in general these days is it’s a knee jerk reaction and isn’t necessary most of the time. I’m sick and tired of people demanding apologies from others simply because their feelings were hurt or something happened the offended didn’t like. I’m also sick of people apologizing for saying or doing something others don’t like. Knock this bullshit off! Stop apologizing and asking for an apology!

An apology is warranted only after something you honestly didn’t mean to happens does happen, usually physically. For instance, If you’re walking down the street not paying attention and you bump into someone, then apologize. If you say the wrong thing, such as ordering a six piece chicken nugget and you ask for a six inch chicken nugget, then apologize. If you’re trying to open a bag of chips and you back hand your wife as it finally snaps open, yeah, apologize, but only if she didn’t deserve it.

An apology isn’t warranted if you say something or do something and something you wanted to happen, or related happens. If you scream at someone and call them a slut, don’t apologize if that is how you feel. If you kick a third grader down a flight of stairs because they aren’t moving fast enough, then you shouldn’t apologize. Should someone start crying because your political views are different, don’t apologize for feeling the way you do. How you feel and what you say is you. When you do apologize for it, you’re apologize for being you.

The only time I apologize is when it’s warranted, and hardly ever do I find it warranted. My wife knows I don’t apologize unless I not only mean it, but it’s needed. Regardless of what you’re thinking right now, she absolutely is happy about it. Unlike most of the little pussies out there, she knows I’m a man and respects that. If your woman doesn’t respect the fact you’re a man, find a new woman or learn to be a man.
 
 
Too many people fall into the trap of apologizing when they shouldn’t. Hell, look at the hell with Paula Deen. There is absolutely no reason she should have apologized for anything. There is absolutely no reason anyone should have been screaming for her to be fired nor demanding an apology from her. It was all bullshit.

Did she call someone a nigger? Yes. Was it deserved? Yes. Some piece of shit black male (AKA a nigger) robbed her at gun point. At home, frustrated and scared, she recounted the incident to her husband and told him it was a nigger who did it. Well…yeah, I agree. There’s a huge difference between a nigger (eg Trayvon Martin) and a black man (eg Bill Cosby). In other words, trash is trash is trash, but we have words to describe certain types of trash (eg trailer trash, wop, and wetback).

The apology Paula Deen gave out should have gone something like this:

In the past I used a word which people find grotesquely offensive to their sensibilities. It is a word I used in anger, over forty years ago, and people are asking for my apology. My apology is this: I am sorry you’re all so fucking sensitive. Suck my old, puffy, gray pube covered, southern vagina. It’s spicy and cripsy! There’s as much butter down there as in my mashed potatoes.

Is it any surprise a southern woman used the word “nigger” when she was pissed off, frightened and alone with her husband? No, it shouldn’t be. Hell, look at the Trayvon Martin fiasco with Rachel “Dee Dee” Jeantel thinking calling white people “crackers” as a general term wasn’t racist. I’m not going to go on a rant about the dog and pony show which was the Zimmerman case, but I think we can see the difference here with Paula Deen and why she didn’t need to apologize.

Asking for a southern woman to apologize for being a southern woman is like asking a gang banging piece of shit to be sorry for being a gang banging piece of shit.
 
 
The man in the picture to the left is Bob Beckal. He’s a democrat and a contributor to Fox News. He also is one of the stars for The Five, a hilarious round table discussion show on the aforementioned network. While me may be bat shit crazy in most ways, this man does not apologize unless he 100% needs to. He also has my respect because he stands firm on his beliefs, even if I don’t agree with most of them.

The only time Bob Beckal makes an apology is when he says something which is actually wrong. For instance, if he made the claim of vanilla ice cream being the lowest selling ice cream in the United States, he’ll make an apology and correct himself. If he says someone is an idiot for believing in, let’s say, Santa Clause, he will not apologize for hurting someone’s feelings. Why? Because he honestly feels that way. Awesome.

What I really love is when he will bring up how people are asking him to apologize for something he said. He’ll look right at the camera and straight up tell them he refuses to apologize. He’s right for doing it, too. This man is one of the maybe three democrats I can respect.

Be more like me and Bob Beckal there. Stop apologizing for doing or saying shit. I’m tired of celebrities coming out and making a “Sorry!” post/video trying to make people’s pussy stop bleeding.

On that note, here’s Watsky with Ugly Faces:


“Sorry, not sorry.”

Ten lies employers and bosses will tell you


Getting a job sucks. I don’t mean having to work, I mean finding a job you think will prevent you from wanting to commit suicide every single day. The worst part of a job, aside from dealing with a myriad asshats on a daily basis, is going to be your boss. During your application process, you will undoubtedly have an interview with someone who will be your boss. They’re going to lie to you.

There are a lot of sites out there with a list of things employers will tell you when looking for a job. Those lists aren’t things which surprise anyone, so they’re mostly useless. Much like most people. What people need is a post of things your future boss will say to you during the hiring process which are full of absolute shit. Much like what your boss will be. Lucky for you, I have just such a list!


1. I can definitely work around your school schedule
100% absolute bullshit. Your employer isn’t hiring someone they need to work around, they are hiring someone to fill a position with specific requirements. The only way you’ll get hired is if you are close to the end of your semester and they only have to work around you for a few weeks to a month at most. After that, you can go ahead and turn in your updated schedule, but don’t expect for your boss to actually listen.

What is going to happen is you’ll be berated, belittled, and have your hours cut back so much it will be pointless for you to continue working there. Your boss was only willing to work around you when they thought you were going to be doing the same schedule until the end of time and/or you were going to be finished some time soon. Most bosses are stupid. They rise to their level of incompetence and that level is above you. There are exceptions to this rule, but they are far and few between.

No one wants to work around you when you are supposed to be helping with work.


2. I’m hiring you because you are the kind of person I can trust to let me know when I’m wrong
Oh, hell no. This should send up as many red flags you’ll be getting fucked in the ass against your will every ten minutes as a blind date with Robin Thicke. No one hires people to tell them they’re wrong. Your boss isn’t interested in new ways of doing things. They are interested in you doing what they say to do and usually only how they said to do it.

Who likes to be told they’re wrong? No one and your boss is no different. They may not rip you a new asshole right then and there, but your life is about to be made a living nightmare.


3. I’m looking forward to you providing new and interesting ideas
You have ideas? What will happen is you will come in with all these ideas, thinking this is what they want, and everything you come up with will instantly be ignored. Sure, they might “oooh” and “awe” over it, but things will never be implemented. Should your boss actually like your idea, don’t expect any kind of credit. Why would you get credit when they have to make it seem they should stay in their position while you are kept in yours?


4. I’m looking for someone who can become the next manager for the company
Managers are terrified of anyone who can do the job well because it makes them look even worse. Remember that people rise to their level of incompetency, and when you come across as competent, you will never advance. Never excel and you’ll exceed expectations.

When someone says they are looking for the next manager, what they mean is someone who does only what the policy says and things which are in no way company policy but they or the district manager says. District managers are even worse than a store manager in terms of being worthless, so keep that in mind. If you’re seen as someone who could possibly rise through hard work, dedication, and the real ability to do the job, you’re going to get fired.

No one wants someone to work for them who is better at the job all around.


5. I need someone who is a self starter and I don’t have to micromanage them
For most bosses, they love to micromanage. They’ll be on your butt ten times every minute about getting something done, only to pull you off of it and make you do something else. Lather, rinse, repeat…always repeat. I don’t get why…from the way I see it, they don’t have enough to do. Maybe it’s because they’re so incompetent they automatically assume everyone else is as well. If they couldn’t figure out how to do it without a rod up their ass, then you obviously can’t either.

As far as the “self starter” goes, you will never, ever, ever, never self start what they want you to do. No matter how important something seems or how badly something needs to be cleaned, the priority for your boss is different. Self starting means starting what the boss told you to do and not what you think you should do. You’ll always get in trouble for self starting something.


6. We all get along and like to have fun
*laughing uncontrollably* Okay…okay…*deep breath*…I’m…okay…*laughs uncontrollably again for the next fifteen minutes straight*

Phew…now that’s out of my system, let’s discuss this.

Your boss hates it when everyone gets along. Why? Because it’s easier for everyone to gang up against them and complain to the people who can do something about them. “Getting along” at the work site is not the same as getting along with people outside of it. When you’re told “…see people get along…” what they mean is you can work next to each other, saying as little as possible, not be actual friends inside nor, especially, outside of work, and not constantly ledge complaints against one another.

The moment people start to actually get along with each other, you can guarantee the next fake policy your boss comes up with is no one is supposed to be talking to each other while you work. Is it actually policy? Fuck no, but it’s a way of having power over everyone and making sure no one can get together against them. A group of people who get along is dangerous to them.

Having fun? Yeah, having fun means just doing your job, not making jokes, not complaining, and not talking to your co-workers outside of asking business related questions. Sometimes fun might include a pot luck or a pizza, but never laughing, smiling, or actually getting along. If you’re having fun, you obviously aren’t working hard enough and you’ll be punished with it by having more work given to you.


7. We appreciate hard work and reward it
Let me state the obvious: BULLSHIT!!!!!!!!!!!

No one rewards your hard work and the only one who appreciates it is you. You’re expected to work hard, so there’s never a reward at the end of the murder tunnel. Even the bright light is stolen before you can even enjoy passing on. You’ll never reach Heaven and Hell is locked off to you. You’re stuck in that deep, dark, damp, murder tunnel until you turn mad and start helping destroying the souls of the next traveler.

Do you want to know what hard work actually is? It’s getting your work done just in time for it to be on time, and, most importantly, getting in as friends with your boss and their boss. That’s it…that’s hard work. You don’t have to be actually good at your current job to be rewarded. You just have to be in with the higher ups in order to get promoted to your level of incompetency, that way you can make everyone under you suffer. You’ll be their boss and you can pass all your work on to them while taking all the credit.

With me, it’s not too much different, except if you try to be my friend I’ll devour your soul without sending you into the murder tunnel. I hate fakers and can recognize talent. If I can reward you, then I will, but if not, then fuck off and keep doing your job.


8. We always have advancement opportunities
Do I really have to explain why this is bullshit? There are never advancement opportunities for the vast majority of employees regardless of ability unless they are in with the higher ups. Period


9. The salary is very competitive
Honestly, what this translates into is, “If you don’t like our offer, good luck somewhere else!” There is no competition when it comes to salary. The jobs all pay the same. If they offer you $12 an hour, the place down the street is going to offer you $12 an hour. Not one company is going to salary match, so don’t even bother. If the shop down the street wants to give you $22.50 when they’re offering $22.00, then go down the god damn street. Trust me, no one wants you to work for them that bad.

You aren’t going to get into a bidding war for your worthless ass. They’re going to hire someone who is willing to take the lower offer even if they aren’t going to be as good as you. Why? Because it’s cheaper for the company every paycheck. Why spend the money on talent when they can get cheap?


10. I’m a very laid back boss
When you hear this, the nuclear attack alarms should be going off in your brain. If you hear a female boss say this, your world is actually going to be filled with the biggest terrors you can’t even picture. Anyone who feels the need to say this is trying to put you into a false sense of security. Once you think everything is all good and calm, your boss will jump out of a closet while wielding dual kama, face painted in blood, a child’s severed head on his belt, while the lights flicker on and off and they scream, “NINJA!!!!!”

The kind of crazy exhibited with these kinds of bosses is on the high end of the bat-shit-crazy-scale. Generally they have random mood swings and are always (I do mean always) drinking a bottle of water. Often times you will see them routinely licking their lips like a crack fiend, too. Nothing good ever comes from that.

If you’re two minutes late, you’ll be screamed at. If you turn a project in a day early, they lose it, get in trouble, blame you, and you’ll be screamed at. They will forget you’re you and not the guy next to you, and you’ll be screamed at, then they’ll turn to the person they thought was you and calmly explain why something was wrong. In general, their attitude is this: Fuck you. Not everyone else, just you.


That should do it for now. Be expecting more entries as they are done. Yes, that makes sense, fuck you.