Little Known Legendary Creatures #2 – Butt Pirate

Legendary Butt Pirate

In the last installment of Little Known Legendary Creatures, we investigated the Buffalo Wing Fairy and what made it so special. Today, we are going to take a look at the often criticized, and now turned insult, Butt Pirate.


Origin
Origin stories of the Butt Pirate seem to date back as far as the 1600’s and were originally considered good luck. During that time, personal hygiene was a problem for people in general, but especially sailors who would be out at sea for months at a time without proper privies.

One sailor had this to say about the Butt Pirate in his sailing journal (cleaned for easier reading in current English):

We have been without port nearly three months and the smell of the crew was staggering. Nearly all members were about to start mutiny due to the unsanitary conditions we were forced to live with. Praise the Lord, however, when at dusk our look out spotted a ship near the horizon. At first fearful, we were alerted to the emblem on the flag, which we recognized: Butt Pirate! Quickly heading below deck to feign sleep, the Butt Pirate boarded us, collecting the fecal matter he uses for mysterious reasons, and our posteriors were cleaned.

This is not the first recorded incident of the Butt Pirate, but it does prove to be one of the best to show the creature was welcomed, not feared, nor used as an insult.


Powers
Butt Pirate is known to invade, both through consensual and non consensual contact, the butt of its target. What it does with these poop nuggets has long been up for debate as no one has seen what it does with them.

According to lore, the Butt Pirate has the ability to make his own ship, The Black Eel, appear and disappear at will. In addition to invisibility, records suggest the ship can also move across time and space to reach other destinations almost immediately. Take for instance this account in Reginald Scot’s records, titled Demons in the New World:

Butt Pirate is not a marquis and is often shunned by the higher daemon lords. He is commonly known to sail among the world’s waters, including the Great Lakes in America and even a few times reported in Loch Ness.

Appearing as a regal naval officer with a hat portraying a skull and crossbones, he smells of sweat and feces. All except his head appears to be human and he has a hook for a hand on the right side. Where his face and head should be is what looks like a well fatted butt.

He has the ability to appear and disappear upon his magnificent ship, adorned with beauty, and preceded by the odor of fecal matter. The phantom smell of solid waste is an indication Butt Pirate is near, but there is no need to fear.

Cleaning the posterior waste exits, up to the colon, Butt Pirate was once welcomed by many, but that is quickly changing. What he does with the collection of feces is unknown.

He can only communicate with short bursts which sound like human flatulence.

He is known to hang out with The Poopsmith, categorized here: The Poopsmith: Who he is and what he’s doing now

With the ability to turn invisible and teleport, could he be an alien visitor? Ancient Astronaut Theorists, say yes!


Residence
While many legendary creatures have their own place of residence, Butt Pirate claims his home on the water masses of Earth. Not completely content on being out in the open all the time, however, there is record of it hiding in special areas outside of human sight.

In the book Historia de Mierda by Miranda Veracruz de la Hoya Cardinal, we learn Butt Pirate may have his own pirate get-a-way:

Between the rays of sunlight, past the swells in waters smooth and clear as polished crystal, Butt Pirate will moore his boat for times of rest and reflection. Inside a sea face cave, protected from sight, he will sip his high quality rum, often until throwing up, and relax after a long day of collecting booty from booty. He is a creature of simple pleasures.

Like other creatures of legend, it seems Butt Pirate can exist in an area inaccessible to us humans. The area does not sound like any known paradise, and as such, may even be a creation from Butt Pirate himself.


Roll in Modern Society
Unlike most forgotten or near forgotten legendary creatures, Butt Pirate has continued to this day in popular culture. Sadly, Butt Pirate has turned to a negative connotation and not something welcome as he was in the past.

Urban Dictionary has this listed as a definition for butt pirate as written by Bill B:

A ruddy queer man who likes to ram his schooner into another man’s glory hole; a sailor of anal ports.

See also: ass-rammer, jizz-junkie, cum gulper, butt-muncher, turd-burglar, peter-puffer.

Holy shit, Pete! Don’t be grabbing my arse, ya dirty butt pirate! ARGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

Even though the definition of butt pirate remains similar as that of the original Butt Pirate, it has taken on a grand negative context. With the advent and availability of modern plumbing, Butt Pirate seems doomed to be forgotten as a positive, welcome force and forever branded as something vile. Time will tell if the trend will shift back to his original intent.


Summoning and Spiritual Ranking
There seems to be no sure way to summon Butt Pirate. All indication is he shows up at will to collect his bounty, and recently he is being reported at an exceedingly decreasing rate. Hopefully Butt Pirate will not turn to violent collection without having much chance to collect his bounties in the modern world.

Rank: Commoner
Sign: 1° – 6.11.4° Pisces (March 14 – April 14)
Time of Day: Any
Planet: Neptune
Metal: Bombastium
Command: 0 Legions
Tarot Card: None

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