Thank you very much for your interest in my séance services. I know in the competitive market for contacting the spirit world, you have a lot of choices, and you have chosen to use Blue Raven Séance! Through your diligent research, you have seen I am the best choice for you and understand we have a psychic pairing already.
Before you sign on with me as your séance provider, there are a list of rules we must go over. Do not worry, as this is all standard procedure and helps to eliminate some questions you may already have. I appreciate you taking the time to go over these, and look forward to hearing from you once you are finished.
1. At least three people must attend
Three people are required to summon the spirits in order for us to speak with them. You know the saying “Two’s a company and three’s a crowd”? Well, maybe for a date, but during a séance that saying is malarkey. You see, three people help with the psychic vibrations spirits use to find their way to us. Two people, one of which is the psychic, just isn’t strong enough to get their attention.
2. Have an idea who you would like to talk to
You wouldn’t just start dialing random numbers when you want to speak to Pizza Hut, would you? No, of course not! If you don’t have an idea who you would like to talk to, we’re just dialing randomly and could end up with a really nasty fellow on the other line. It’s like ringing the line of someone who is not only getting into the shower at the time, but are also ready to bone down on a real hottie. It’s just rude and dangerous, since the spirits can “trace the call” into your living room.
3. Have each guest write down a few questions and submit them to me
It’s just nice to have an idea on what you’d like me to focus the conversation on with the spirits. I mean, it’s not like I’m going to use this in order to do research and get things staged… You believe me, right? Of course you do. I’m psychic after all!
4. Respect the circle
This includes your other guests, the spirits, and most importantly: ME! You will not speak out of turn and you will not get up and move around. This makes sure the only thing you hear is what I want you to hear. What I mean, of course, is the spirits and what not…yeah…
5. No video or audio taping
Look, this is a séance and not an amateur sex tape, okay? Respect the privacy of the spirits and don’t record this in anyway. You won’t be allowed to have cell phones, since an active cell phone is known to be very dangerous to ghosts. I’m not kidding! Getting a text message or phone call when a ghost is in the area is just like killing them all over again. Spirits do not like to come back as the spirit of a spirit. It makes things very complicated when they get sorted through on the way back to the after life.
6. Candles…lots and lots of candles
I’m talking a metric ass load (which is the professional term) of candles. I will need so many candles your neighbors will call the fire department because they think the place is completely engulfed with flames on the inside. Don’t use candles which are for aroma therapy. You’ll want to smell what the ghosts are cooking.
7. I will not speak to animals
I’m sad to even feel the need to include this, but after an encounter with a lady’s dead cat, this is a must. Did I say cat? I mean bangle fucking tiger! Yeah, no shit! This lady calls me over to her place to speak to “Mr. Cuddle Butt”, her dead “cat”, and was willing to pay me an ungodly amount of money, so I was all like, “Hell yeah!” Well, when I get there and do the séance, I was able to make contact. Rather, it made contact with my scrotum with a nailed claw. Never…ever…again!
8. Time of the séance is extremely important
Unlike most Hollywood troupes, the time of the séance really is extremely important. From 11:30PM until 02:30AM is the time to do this. As such, I will require many accommodations made so I can prepare when I reach your home around 02:00PM. These are highlighted below.
9. Accommodation requirements
Since I will need time to set up, you will be providing me with a room to sleep in and all meals. If you don’t give this to me things won’t go well during the séance. I’m not in to Taco Bell or Domino’s Pizza. No, you will provide me with either mid-quality dining such as Chili’s or TGI Friday’s, or you will make for me a grand homemade dinner. However, if the person making the homemade meal is not a good cook, don’t bother! Look, I’ll even take going to a buffet such as Golden Corral. It better be a nice Golden Corral, though.
I’m also going to need full access to a complete gym. If your idea of a gym is a few free weights, a treadmill, and maybe a yoga ball, you need to get a membership to a better gym.
10. No children under the age of 13
Look, kids suck and they fuck everything up. Okay? Good.
11. I have no liability if things go wrong
I’m not going to lie… A séance is really dangerous. I’m serious! A few houses have been sucked in to another plain of existence all together during a séance. There’s also the risk of possession, mass murder, and a lifetime of being haunted by evil spirits. Don’t even get me started on how the pathway can remain open and how your home can be flooded with demons or even your soul being like fly paper in which they stick to you until you die, dragging you to limbo. So, yeah, no, I’m not responsible for any of that. This is your choice to do this. Understood?
12. Consultation and Deposit required up front
Because this is considered a consultation, you need to pay me $45 right now for all of this. Also, you’ll have to give me the initial deposit of…I don’t know…let’s say $250 right now. None of this is refundable. Thanks!
Those are my general rules for using my services. I’m sure we’ll have a great working relationship.