Ancient Astronaut Theory is Stupid (s)

Aliens must fuck everythingLarger View (new window)

So, my wife and I were looking for something good to watch on TV, which is pretty hard to do, when we came across a listing which caught our eye. Now, this didn’t catch our eye in a good way, mind you. The name on the channel guide was “Ancient Aliens and Bigfoot”, or something similar, I don’t remember or care to look it up. What I do remember, is the description insinuated bigfoot is either an alien or was left by aliens.

I instantly started cracking up and my wife just stared in shock at the notion. Now, I feel there is a sasquatch as there’s a lot of evidence to support it, but I also wouldn’t be surprised if we learn there really isn’t. What I don’t believe is bigfoot is a fucking alien or we’ve had aliens screwing around on the planet.

The last line is a direct tie in to what one of the theories introduced was. You see, according to someone on the show, I think it was some crack pot woman, ancient aliens came down and wanted to hang out here, but also wanted to create new creatures. Why? Who the fuck knows. Probably some bullshit about mining gold with forced labor instead of just using their vast, advanced, superior technology to do it. Anyway, what happened was these ancient astronauts saw these ancient bigfoot and decided, “Let’s blend our DNA with it!” In other words, they fucked our prehistoric great apes.

Again, why? I don’t know and neither do these “theorists”. It’s amazing how often they come up with the idea aliens decided to blend DNA with their own. I mean…not even humans do that. Sure some scientists in the second world war tried to make ape men, but those were German scientists who were being ordered to do some really moronic shit. What humans do is take animals which have a specific use we want and try to make it easier to get, like spider silk from goat’s milk.

What this boils down to, apparently, aliens are super horny and will screw just about anything. From ants (the Myrmidon according to ancient astronaut crackpots) to makeup wearing apes (I can only assume the makeup part), these aliens put their glorbnork into everything they came across. As humans, there are some pretty bizarre sexual tastes, but this goes above and beyond.

Why would these ancient astronauts want to cram their glorbnork into an animal anyway? Are they all just super kinky? Are they all just looking for the next big fetish? If this was a fetish thing, a lot of aliens came here with their spiked glorbnorks and pounded the hell out of every creature we have on this planet. The dinosaurs must have died from excessive snu snu! It was a sex-pocolypse.

I think I just figured out what the great flood actually was…

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