To anyone else who survived 2012…I AM HERE!!!

It has been over two years now since the disaster of 2012 and I am finally able to get a connection to the Internet through QWest DSL service. At first had doubts since QWest is such a terrible shit storm of a provider, but after AT&T’s cell phone service was always down and I could never get a signal from DirectTV’s satellite, I knew the Earth really had been destroyed. After all, how could all three providers all have such terrible service at once?

On November 8th, 2012, I headed down into my sheltered basement, locked the door, and have yet to leave. At one point on the fated December 21st, 2012 I heard a loud bang outside my door. I can best describe it as if someone were knocking on my door! I knew immediately the bang I heard was every nuclear device going off at once, destroying the planet and eliminating the vast majority of life on Earth. At that point I wept, and I am not afraid to say I wept for days afterward. Frighteningly, at this point, I no longer am saddened at this prospect. My humanity has slowly been slipping away.

Now that I once again have Internet connection, I am hoping to reach out to anyone else who may have survived the destruction. My cell phone still does not work and my satellite TV isn’t receiving a signal…like always. In the recent past, I attempted to learn the fate of others, but all I have found are brain dead postings, obviously made by an algorithm, in chat lines, dating websites, and TMZ. I mean…the world can’t have become so terrible with only the lowest of IQ’s surviving?

Please, if you are reading this and are not a brain dead zombie, please, let me know the following if you can:

1. What is the state of the atmosphere?
I’m sure those global warming hippies felt really stupid when the Earth went down the crapper as predicted by the Mayans, ha! Anyway, I’m hoping it’s easier to get a tan, but not easier to get skin cancer.

2. How is the water?
Did the water all get turned into some disgusting sludge and we’re forced to drink only vodka? I mean, I will probably do that anyway, but a vodka shower can burn your eyes pretty bad.

3. Are the dinosaurs back?
Radiation causes all kinds of strange mutations, and I’m kind of hoping the current day animals have all been turned into something akin to dinosaurs. They’d offer up a lot more meat and I’ve always wanted to ride a T-rex horsy style!

4. When do we start to repopulate the Earth?
I’ve been practicing…a lot!

Once I receive an intelligent response, I will make preparations to leave, and then eventually leave. We’ll meet up at a Denny’s, as I’m sure that place survived an apocalypse due to how greasy and disgusting the food there was. Oh, and please, no Bronies…I’m hoping they all died out.


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