Inappropriate battle cries


Ah, yes, the battle cry! Nothing like striking terror into your enemy while also psyching yourself, and possibly others, up. Some cries are better than others, and unless you do a good war face with it, even the best battle cry won’t be used to its full potential. Your war face is up to you, since this is going to only be about battle cries.

Now, what you are NOT going to learn here are battle cries which are appropriate. What I’m going to be covering are battle cries, with or without context, just…well, they’re going to make everyone around you uncomfortable. Maybe these will be effective because it makes people uncomfortable, who knows?

If you’re wondering what the picture has to do with the article…nothing really. I just think pugs are fucking awesome.


Grease me up, I’m going in!
This battle cry would be best served when going after someone who is fat or into a crowd of people. I can’t imagine when this would ever be appropriate, even when chasing an actual pig. What I definitely like about this one is you can use it against any number of opponents and it works.
 
 
Shirts versus skins; Which team do you want?!
Really more of a one-on-one or a group-vs-group type of battle cry. For bonus points, you should think about already taking your shirt off as you say the second part. You can always add, “Skin versus Skin is fine with me!” To really drive it home, start taking off your pants, but leave your shirt alone.
 
 
Time to mount this asshole!
Unless you’re staring in a porno or about to literally slam some ass, there’s really no reason to ever scream this while being serious. If your opponent doesn’t look worried or even run, it’s time to have a serious thought if you want to fight them.
 
 
FOR AGATHA!!!!
I don’t know an Agatha and I have no idea why you’d scream it, but the confusion it will impart would be worth it. Seriously, though, people may think you’re a fan of Agatha Christie or something, which could mean you’re about to murder them.
 
 
Time to be MOIST!
Trust me, if you heard someone scream this as they are entering a fight, it’s time to just back the hell out. A man or woman screaming this is equally wrong on all levels. The last thing I’d want in a fight is someone being moist, regardless of context.
 
 
Stink finger!!!
Just like hearing someone shouting how they will be moist, anyone shouting this is bound to have serious problems. We all know what a stink finger is, and regardless of gender, if someone is excited about getting one, you’re in trouble. I…I honestly don’t even…
 
 
It’s huggin’ time!
Unless this is either Teddy Ruxpin or Whinnie the Pooh, fuck no…just, no…
 
 
I consulted my doctor!
Why and what for? Who the hell cares! For whatever reason someone consulted their doctor before joining the fight. Do you want to find out why? Does anyone? Nope…absolutely not…
 
 
Boners rule!
Uh…yeah. There is no reason for someone to scream this, and if they have one, well…just get out of the fight.
 
 
SURPRISE!!!!
This means there is either surprise sex in the process of occurring, or someone is getting donkey punched with a very heavy object.
 
 
Pppp..pppu…PUSSY POWER!
It’s along the same lines of “Boners rule!”, but a little more disturbing. A nice little take on “Ppppuuuppy power!” screamed by Scrappy Doo, it’s just not something you want to hear while engaging or preparing to engage in a fight. Should you hear this in conjunction with, “Time to be MOIST!”, just start shooting.
 
 
Three out of four dentists agree!
Agree on what? Why dentists? How come the fourth dentist didn’t agree on it? Am…am I high right now? Probably.
 
 
Troll balls!
As we all know, or should know, trolls have three pairs of balls and are generally sweaty. Is this something you want someone to be proudly yelling about before entering into the fight? No.
 
 
RED ROCKET!
If you don’t know what a red rocket is, Google it. Trust me, it’s not something you need to hear shouted with gusto. Chances are your kids will know what a red rocket is even if you don’t, so imagine them telling you what it’s all about. It’s like getting the sex talk from your child.
 
 
Powder me titties!
When a woman screams this, you’re in trouble. Reason being is they are a serious fighter and know a good powdering on their titties is going to help them fight longer. Bare fisted boxers powder their hands…it’s kinda the same thing.
 
 
Anything in Arabic or claiming Islam
If someone starts saying anything in Arabic or shouts anything about being a Muslim, start shooting without question. They’ll be in it to kill everyone and even if they aren’t, what jury in America will convict you? Well, except the pussies in California or New York.

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