Voicemail is stupid and annoying

I swear it must be a Colorado thing, as before I moved here I never experienced it before, but what in the endless Hell is up with the loud ass tone before people’s voice messages? I’m not talking about it just being loud, I mean it’s ear splitting and louder than necessary. I’ve thrown phones and headsets out of the sheer shock and volume of these god damn things.

This loud ass sound isn’t a ping, or a beep, either. No, it’s more like a musical tone. It’s like a “BLIIIIIIIING BLLLOOooooong” and then the greeting starts. I cannot find a recording of it and I’m unsure on how to use my phone to record the audio without putting it on speaker phone while using my computer, so there isn’t an audio file I can share with you. For those of you who haven’t experienced it, count yourself lucky. For those who have heard it, you know what I’m talking about.

The whole damn thing is absolutely unnecessary. When I call someone and don’t get an answer or it’s going to voice mail, there is not one good reason to have some kind of tone to let me know it’s being picked up by the god damn voice mail service! I don’t know a single person who is confused when the voice mail picks up whether it is the one being called or a recording. Unless, of course, the person makes a recording to confuse people.

The last point is the only thing it is preventing. Has it become such a huge problem with people making those voice mail greetings customers complained to phone companies to make this a necessity? Seriously? Are people so fucking stupid and whiny now they grow massive, gaping vaginas which bleed all over the floor anytime they get a voice mail greeting which isn’t a very, very obvious voice mail greeting?
Customer: Yes, I need to cry and bitch over a service you are providing!

Representative: I’m sorry to hear that. What is it we can correct for you?

Customer: I have a friend who has the same voice mail for three years now which tricks me into thinking they picked up the phone, only to laugh and tell me it’s just a recording! This has to be stopped!

Representative: Uhm…have you asked your friend to change their voice mail?

customer: Yes! They REFUSE! Can you believe it?!

Representative: …and you say this is the same voice mail for the past three years now..?

Customer: YES! It’s very annoying.

Representative: You keep falling for it?

Customer: Why don’t you people listen to me?! I AM THE CUSTOMER!!!!!!!!!

Representative: I…I just…huh…uhm… Let me get you a manager…

Customer: Finally, some progress!

Manager: This is the manager, how can I assist you?

Customer: Look, I already told the other guy and fifteen people prior. I’m not going over this AGAIN!

Manager: Alright, I have been caught up to what is going on. You’re not the only person with this complaint it seems…

Customer: Good! What are you going to do about it?! I am about to tell everyone to boycott your company! I WILL TAKE THIS TO THE PRESS!!!!

Manager: There’s no need for that. What if we…for the love of God, I don’t know…screw it, how about we put in a beep or a tone or something before the voice mail plays..?

Customer: SEE! I knew you could come up with something! Make sure it is noticeable!

Manager: Okay, a musical tone style, then.

Customer: Don’t forget to make it as ear shattering, unholy, can-hear-it-on-the-fucking-moon loud just in case I’m somewhere noisy!
Seriously, this shit has to stop. There is no need for a two stage, fuck-your-ear-drums loud notification before the voice mail greeting. No, it’s not the kind of tone to make it so telemarketer dialers think it’s a disconnected number, either, so shut your mouths. I know what they sound like and not only are they much quieter, it’s a three tone followed by a full one second pause.

Oh, and let’s not forget about the other annoying ass issue with the voice mail system:

Why are there instructions after the voice mail greeting?!
No, really. What the hell is the point of this? Is there really anyone out there who doesn’t know what the fuck to do after the greeting? Are people really confused as balls who think they should start talking as soon as they realize it’s a damn voice mail?

Voice mail has worked the exact same since 1979 when it was invented. Here’s a break down on how it works:

  1. The phone rings
  2. The voice mail system picks up
  3. There’s a voice mail greeting telling you to leave a message
  4. There’s a beep
  5. You leave a message
  6. Hang up

What part of all of that is so god damn complicated a second set of instructions, after being told what to do, is necessary? I know most people can barely survive pouring a cup of coffee without nearly killing their kids by dumping it all over them and it’s a god damn miracle more people don’t drown when gargling, but come on!

Here’s how most voice mail services this day in age seem to work:

  1. The phone rings
  2. The voice mail system picks up
  3. There’s a voice mail greeting telling you to leave a message
  4. There’s a pre-recorded voice telling you to leave a message
  5. There’s a pre-recorded voice telling you to push a number to leave a call back number even though your phone number shows up in a missed call list and next to the voice mail notification
  6. There’s a pre-recorded voice telling you to push a button after you leave a voice mail to listen to what you left
  7. There’s a pre-recorded voice telling you to push a button after you leave a voice mail to confirm your message or to just hang up
  8. There’s a beep
  9. You leave a message
  10. You push a button to listen to your voice message*
  11. You push a button to confirm your message*
  12. There’s a pre-recorded voice thanking you for leaving a message*
  13. Hang up

For the love of all that is bacon… Why are there so many extra little pieces of bullshit in there? The only real reason I can think for this is because nothing was updated from the days of limited calling to phone numbers. What doesn’t make sense about that, though, is the person calling doesn’t pay to call that line…it was just costing the person minutes to their own service. Really, it’s almost like these companies simply don’t want you to use the voice mail service. Almost a, “Screw you! Just hang up!”

Do people even really use voice mail on their private phones anymore? I know I don’t even bother listening to my voice mail 99% of the time. The only reason I even go into it is just to delete my messages I haven’t listened to. From my experience, people just text me instead of leaving a voice mail, unless they want to leave me a funny voice acted message. The people who do it are the only people who’s voice mail I listen to, and it’s only a very select number of people.

Both of these things need to be taken out, beaten, shot, picked up, beaten down once more, shot three more times, and then a huge dump taken on its chest. Like, seriously drop a deuce on it in the middle of the street. *sigh* One can always dream…


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