Customers in America are generally stupid, entitled, and all around morons. For some reason, customer service in America has become calling the competition, calling phone numbers from customer phones on business lines to hide the customer’s phone number, bending over backward to get them something for free, and licking their dirty butt puckers. No thank you. Customer service is doing what the company has set forth as guidelines in the “you can do this, but not that” style policies. If the request cannot be done, it cannot be done and that sucks. I’m sure there’s something they will do for you instead, but you aren’t guaranteed to get what you want.
Well…I’ve trolled some bad customers in the past. I’m sure I’ll troll some bad ones in the future. Here’s a small list of things I’ve done, sometimes with the company I was at during the time, for your enjoyment.
Case: THE BATTERED WOMAN
Company: Santoro’s Pizzeria
Outcome: Unintentional Trolling and Apology to the Customer
I don’t always mean to troll and I usually have a filter. However, my personality doesn’t always allow me to not be flirty nor trolling. I don’t always troll just bad customers, either. Sometimes I troll good customers just for the fun of it if I know them well enough.
Well, the owners of the place allowed their ex-daughter-in-law to work there. She was not a very…well, she looked like an actual troll. Often times she’d have long hairs sticking out of a mole on her face or come to work with a massive white head, right on her face. She had two children; meaning, frighteningly, someone had sex with her at least twice…
Many times she would bring in her two crumb munchers. These things were pretty much out of control. I cannot tell you how many times I had to basically lock them in the fridge unit to keep them from running around and bother customers as they ate. If I wouldn’t be arrested for it, I would have tied them up to the fire hydrant outside like a couple of dogs.
On this particular day I came in for the closing shift and this lady wanted to talk to a manager. Well, the owners didn’t want any kind of hierarchy with their employees, but since I wasn’t the one with the kids causing problems, wasn’t one of the servers at the time, and I was the eldest out of all the others coming in, it was my problem now. I didn’t know exactly what happened, but figured it was the cause of one of these carpet mites, so I groaned and agreed to talk to the lady.
“Hello, ma’am. What is it I can do for you?” – Me
“First off all, I’m trying to eat my pizza with my daughter and these little kids are running around screaming the entire time! This is not a day care center!” – Her
“*I nod my head* I completely agree with you there. I didn’t know she was brought her kids in with her and she’s been asked to keep them in the back office. They shouldn’t be running around.” – Me
“Good! Well, I am sitting here, trying to eat while those kids run around screaming and they’re tossing pizza dough all over the place! The next thing I know, as I’m about to tell them to shut up, I’m smacked in the back of the head with dough! I feel as though I’ve been assaulted!!!!!!” – Her
…now…I was finishing the police academy at the time and I switched into “future cop” mode…
“Technically, ma’am, you’ve been battered.” – Me
There was a brief pause as we both looked at each other. She had a “..wtf..?” look on her face and I know I must have looked like someone pooped on a kitten right before me. The rest of the staff, behind the counter, all start cracking up uncontrollably. I just blink at her a few times, not sure what to say or do. Finally, I was able to speak.
“…I’m sorry, ma’am, I didn’t mean it to come out that way… I am finishing up a few courses at the police academy and I have the POST test coming up, my mind went to my schooling… We’re obviously not going to charge you for the meal.” – Me
“I…well…thank you…Thank you for doing the right thing!” – Her
At this point she wasn’t even upset. She seemed as fuddled as I was. Her daughter had her hands over her mouth, trying not to laugh too loudly. I was able to comp the check and get a tip from her, even though she wasn’t my customer.
Case: THE JOKE(ST)ER and BRAIN(DEAD)IAC
Company: Almost every retail establishment ever
Outcome: Personal Satisfaction
For some reason, customers think they are not only funny, but original as well. I blame Saturday Night Live and YouTube for this. Oh, and parents who love them no matter what. I can’t imagine how screwed up I’d be if my parents loved me no matter what… Mommy…mommy..? Why are you making the wire hanger bright red on the stove, mommy?! Sorry, sometimes I like to remember how awesome my parents were.
Also, for some reason, customers are brain dead as hell. It’s as if we live in the Twighlight Zone and everyone except my immediate family, wife included, had their brain exchanged with a chipmunk. Then again, chipmunks seem to be able to function. I believe I’m thinking of a retarded chipmunk…yeah, that’s it.
Here are some of my favorite retorts to customer jokes and stupid questions or statements:
“Give me just a second to look for another one or find a reference number for this. It doesn’t have a scan tag on it.” – Me
“Well, then it must be free!!!!!!!!!!! *BURSTS INTO UNCONTROLLABLE LAUGHER, SLAPPING THE COUNTER TOP*” – Them
“Policy dictates the price is triple current sales price to prevent fraud.” – Me
“Is there anything I can help you find?” – Me
“A million dollars! *shouts it in excitement like it’s never been said before*” – Them
“Why would I be wanting to serve you if I had or knew where to get a million dollars no strings attached?” – Me
“Thank you for calling [Location Name], how can I help you?” – Me
“Are you open?” – Them
“No, we’re closed. I have all after hours calls forwarded to my personal cellphone just to take care of people who need help when no one is in the store.” – Me
“Hey, welcome in! Is there anything I can help you with today?” – Me
“Do you think I can just look around?” – Them
“No. I’m required to sell something to everyone who comes in. Lucky for you, there’s $0.50 impulse items at the register.” – Me
“Why don’t you have [Some Stupid Shit] in stock?!” – Them
“They didn’t send any/We’re out.” – Me
“Why’s that?!” – Them
“I don’t know. Your question is above my pay grade.” – Me
“Will you tell ‘them’/the owners/corporate to start getting [Some Stupid Shit] in the store?” – Them
“Sure, I’ll ride my unicorn up there just so they know I’m serious, otherwise they won’t listen to me.” – Me
Case: SHOWING ME YOUR RACE CARD
Outcome: Scared Lady and 10% off
I spend too much money at BestBuy. Not just because their prices are a little high, but because I buy too many videogames and other electronics there. Believe it or not, the one in which this account takes place has really good employees and all around friendly staff. They also don’t freak out and understand it’s legal to open carry in Colorado.
I was waiting in line, the next to be up, when I hear this old bitch start shouting about how she refuses to show “some Mexican” her ID in order to purchase something.
“I don’t know where you get off asking to see MY ID! I don’t ask to see your green card!” – Her
The person ringing her up couldn’t have been older than 22 years old and was this cute little female. There was no way this girl was here illegally and, from the look of her, she obviously wasn’t Mexican decent, she was Indian decent.
“Your credit card doesn’t have a signature on it, so I have to get an ID or I can’t let you use it.” – Clerk
“This is so rude! I cannot believe you people are even allowed to ask for it, for ANY REASON!” – Her
So…having already had enough of this bullshit, and just wanting to buy my videogame, I start walking towards her.
“Ma’am, what’s the problem here?!” – Me
“This illegal wants to see my ID!” – Her
“She’s obviously not illegal, but if you don’t want her to see your ID, then maybe you can just let me see both cards and I’ll verify it to her?” – Me
“That’s fine. A nice American boy doing the right thing, thank you.” – Her
The clerk hands me the credit card, the woman hands her ID, I look at them and nod to the clerk. I don’t hand the lady back her ID, though.
“So…your name’s [NAME].” – Me
“Yes, that’s right.” – Her
“You live at [ADDRESS]?” – Me
“That’s what the ID says.” – Her
“Do you know my name?” – Me
“Uh, huh? No, I don’t, of course not. Don’t be silly. We just met.” – Her
“Do you know my address?” – Me
“Well obviously I wouldn’t. What’s your point?” – Her
“[HER FULL NAME] who lives at [ADDRESS], why would you give me your ID without knowing who I am, what I want, or what I would do with it? I know who you are and where you live now.” – Me
She just stares at me, speechless as I hand her back the card and the clerk gives her the items she came in to buy.
“Oh, and by the way, I’m a first generation American, you old bitch. So think about how badly you just screwed up as you walk back to your car. I’m not saying I would change my locks, I’m just saying I’d be smarter about things!” – Me
She leaves in a fluster, running out of the store, constantly looking over her shoulder. I give the clerk my items.
“I will be paying with a card, too, but you can always make sure it’s me by asking for my ID. She would have been pissed if someone had stolen that card and used it, but no one asked for ID.” – Me
“Thanks, I don’t even let it bother me anymore. My family has been here since the 30’s. I’m not even Mexican!” – Clerk
“You got me beat…my parents came over in the mid 60’s as children!” – Me
She and I both laugh and when I get the total, I thought I had missed a lower price on the item. Turns out she gave me a 10% off discount.
Case: BOYISH BOYCOTTER
Company: Eddie Bauer
Outcome: Corporate Check Refund Against Corporate Policy
Just so everyone knows, if you buy something at Eddie Bauer they have to take it back no matter what. Have five year old underwear? They’ll take it back! If you have a receipt, you can get the full price you paid back! I highly suggest everyone takes advantage of this. Buy something, keep the receipt, beat the hell out of it for years, and then return it to either trade up or get the same thing brand new. If you don’t have the receipt, you can still get credit to use in the store in either a gift certificate or a merchandise credit. They aren’t allowed to care one way or another. We used to have people spill things like paint on their $300 down jacket and we had to either take it back or exchange it for a new one. Yep. Do it!
Being former city and military police, I always carried a recorder with me in my pocket. Any customer I talked to, I recorded. Yes, it’s totally legal, you idiots.
With that said, I was working as the temporary manager, since I was the key holder, on the men’s side and we were slammed. I was beginning the process to start an EMT program and needed something else, besides law enforcement, to do, which would give me the time to get everything done and that was it. Well, the manager on the women’s side tells me to just run the register, since I’m the fastest one in the store at it, and she will do her best to cover both sides. We only had two other people working the men’s department and corporate policy demanded there always been someone greeting at all entrances (there were two in this store) and someone on the register. Since the line was backing up into the women’s section, I didn’t have a choice.
For about fifteen minutes I’m cranking people out of the store and I can finally see the end of it all: Only 8 more people in line total! A man walks up with two arms full of clothing. He was holding something like four pairs of socks, three jeans and six shirts from what I recall. He’s obviously older than me, in his late thirties at least, but he has those boyish looks which makes you want to punch him even without getting to know him. With him is this tiny blond with so much jewelry on she could single-highhandedly wipe away Obama’s deficit.
“Hey, what can I do for you?” – Me
“Well, my secretary got me some things for my birthday and they aren’t my style. Most of them don’t even fit. I don’t shop at Eddie Bauer, I’ve never even been in one since before today. There’s nothing here that I would ever have an interest in.” – Him
Looking at this guy it was obvious he loved there was forests, but didn’t think anyone belonged in them. He would fight for free speech, but would demand you be disarmed. Don’t you dare search him or his car, but if you don’t have anything to hide, then you shouldn’t be worried about searches. You know…a libtard.
“Oh, that’s fine. Do you happen to have a gift receipt or the original receipt?” – Me
“No, of course I don’t. Why would I have a receipt? I told you these were gifts!” – Him
“Which is exactly why I asked if you had a gift receipt.” – Me
“I don’t. So I can’t return these?” – Him
“No, you can return them. Most of this stuff just went on sale today, so I’m not even going to mark these down to that. I seriously doubt you ran around grabbing this stuff and then brought it up to us.” – Me
I laugh and so does he. The blond isn’t even cracking a smile, just looking as dead any woman who bases how much she’s worth by how successful the man she’s with is. Most of the items I have to pull up in the terrible system in order to find numbers for and find what the price was before the day’s sale. I finish everything up and give him the amount.
“Okay, so what I can do is either provide a merchandise credit, in which case I will have to take a copy of your driver’s license, or I can do it on a gift card. Neither of them expire, but the gift card gives you the option of letting someone else use it.” – Me
“Unacceptable.” – Him
“Uh, what?” – Me
“Unacceptable. Are you fucking deaf?” – Him
“No, but I’m about to have selective hearing if you continue with that attitude.” – Me
“Just give me cash.” – Him
“I can’t. The system doesn’t even allow me to change the options.” – Me
“Then that whole thing about returns at any time is no problem up on the banner behind you is a god damn lie?!” – Him
He points to the banner, and yes, it does say “Return anything at any time!” It also said, “Eddie Bauer”, “First Ascent” and…underneath where it said “Return anything at anytime!” I pointed out the very slightly smaller print.
“It also says, right there, ‘Merchandise credit is given with no receipt.'” – Me
“No! I want MONEY CASH MONEY!” – Him
“I can’t.” – Me
“Let me talk to who’s in charge here!” – Him
“Me.” – Me as I tap my name tag which says “Manager”
“This is bullshit! PURE BULLSHIT! Just give me everything back!” – Him
“Very well. If you decide to bring it back in the future, if you don’t see me the person might not give you the full price for them and it’ll be the lowest sales price in the last ninety days instead.” – Me
“Oh, that’s fucking beautiful! FUCK ALL OF YOU! I am NEVER SHOPPING HERE AGAIN!” – Him
“Sir, you stated you never shopped here to begin with and this is the first time you’ve even been in our stores.” – Me
As he’s storming out, screaming, with his dead-in-the-soul blond in tow, he can’t help but scream, “FUCK YOU!” one more time. At this point, the female manager finally comes running over asking what’s going on. I fill her in and she starts freaking out about how we aren’t allowed to let people leave upset. She tries to find him, but can’t…that’s because someone called security and the guy was met by the cops who have a sub-station in the mall as well as mall security. They escorted him out of the mall because he was screaming in the commons at everyone.
The co-worker I was with backed me up on everything and how I was doing what corporate told us to do, as well as the store and district managers told us to do. During break, a bunch of people came up to talk to me about it and when I got to the part about how he said he was never shopping at Eddie Bauer again, I told them, “Remember how he said he never shopped here anyway. It’s like a vegetarian boycotting KFC. Who the fuck cares?”
A little over a week later, the store manager comes up to me and asks what happened. I tell her and she says, “Okay.” She then goes on to tell me how, even though I didn’t have the power to give him cash, I should have worked out a way to get him cash (WTF?!) and customers are never allowed to leave upset. Turns out he called corporate, screamed at them, they folded, gave him a full refund for all the items, allowed him to KEEP the items, and wanted me to sign a letter of apology. I refused and was threatened with a write up. I told her I cannot be written up for following company policy and then told her I had a recording of the encounter. She was shocked and surprised, then told me I wasn’t allowed to. Since there is no policy against it, I told her I would continue to do so and it’s to protect both me and the customer.
That recorder saved me two other times at that job and another time when I worked at Zales while doing my medical schooling after I left Eddie Bauer.
Well, that’s good enough for now. I may do another one in the future some time, but for now…it’s a wrap!