Be A Jerk When Shopping
A Sunrie Guide
Welcome to another great Sunrie’s How To Guide where many of your questions are answered. Today you’ll be learning how to act like a jerk when shopping. As with all of Sunrie’s How To Guides, you will be taught how to do this with finesse, cooth, and sophistication. You won’t be learning to run down around the store screaming like an idiot, but you will learn what to say when walking into a store and successfully blend into common society!
Just like a junior high school student being introduced to a drug dealer, this first taste is completely free of charge. Please remember you do not have to do all of these things, just some. Be creative: Mix and Match!
Without further ado, here is the guide.
1. Store workers are not people
This guide was going to start off with being instantly confrontational, but the utmost important thing to understand and accept in your brain is the people who work in a store are not people. Not even slightly.
If this guide is to be effective for you at maximum capacity, you must learn to believe those helping you get your precious retail item are dumber than you, slower than you, and not worth the air they are stealing from you. Just like waiters and waitresses, if the people working at the store were worth anything, they wouldn’t be working at the store! After all, anyone willing to assist you with something as mundane as getting a t-shirt is obviously a shit stain on the mark of humanity. If someone is helping you, then you are more important than them.
2. Be instantly confrontational
The moment you walk into a store, be confrontational for absolutely no reason what so ever. This is extremely effective if the retail establishment greets people as they enter. Great places to practice are Wal*Mart and American Eagle since they seem to always have someone at the entrances to politely welcome you in to the store.
What you don’t want to do is scream or yell at the person because doing so could get security called on you. Instead, you need to make snide remarks or a direct, fierce rebuttal to a genuine greeting. For instance, when someone welcomes you into the store, reply with something like, “Can’t I just look around?!” Make sure your voice is elevated as if they are trying to push a sale on you.
If any employee comes up and asks if there is anything they can help you find, throw your hands either up or down dramatically while sighing as loudly as possible, followed up with a statement such as, “I don’t need any help!”
3. Be confused to what store you’re in and what they sell
This is most important when going into store which sell a very specific item, like Guess Jeans, The Apple Store or a gun store. When going into these stores, you need to ask them if they sell the specific item they specialize in.
For instance, when you go into a gun store you need to look at one of the associates and ask, “Do you guys sell guns here?” When you walk into the Apple store, you should ask something like, “So, do you only sell Apple products here or something?” If you’re in Guess Jeans, you need to ask something along the lines of, “Is it possible to get jeans at this store?”
After the person stares at you for a moment, dumbfounded, wave your hands at them for a moment or snap your fingers impatiently. Regardless if you’re being serious or not the sales associate shouldn’t be so rude as to look at you in anything but a happy manner. You’re a guest, etiquette as a guest be damned!
4. Grab two shopping carts or hand baskets / Load your hands up with items
If you’re in a place which has shopping carts or hand baskets, then grab two of them. No, it doesn’t matter if you aren’t in the store to get enough items to fill them with things you want. What you will be doing is filling one with what you want, and then another with random things you have no intention of buying.
Should the store not have shopping carts or hand baskets, then you’ll want to carry as many things as possible around with you. This technique is best suited for clothing stores, where you can drape things over your arms. Anything you want to keep needs to be on top of everything, so you can easily set it aside before you toss everything else on the counter. More on all of this in section 9.
5. Make a stupid joke about what they can help you find…or just be mean
Your jokes never, ever, ever, ever, never, ever, never, never, never, ever, for any reason ever, never, ever get old for people working retail.
When someone asks if they can help you find anything, then give out a joke like, “A million dollars!!!” Be super excited about it, too! If you want to be proactive about it, when you’re greeted, ask something like, “I take it you don’t sell waffles here?!” See, you’re in a place which obviously would not be selling waffles, so it’s gonna be funny. Just make sure you’re in a place which wouldn’t be selling waffles like The Lego Store.
If someone asks how you’re doing, tell them something along the lines of, “I’ll be doing a lot better if you just let me look around.” Have almost no emotion behind it as well. This will instill a sense of dread in the polite employee. This leads us to the next section of the guide…
6. Immediately reject all offers for help
Sales associates are there to help you and are even punished by their employers for not offering assistance, so let them know your distaste for this practice by rejecting their help immediately when you’re approached. Make a bit of a deal out of it, too, as if they are insulting your intelligence level. Remember not to go completely ape-shit about it, though.
As pointed out in a previous section, being visibly upset and saying something along the lines of, “Can’t I just look around?!” loudly is effective, as is sighing so loud everyone in the vicinity can hear you. This lets others know they are encouraged to act in a similar manner, since most employees at retail stores are not allowed to say anything negatively back to you. After all, you don’t want a real confrontation on your hands…you’re a coward, otherwise you’d act like this with strangers in an area where they aren’t bound by corporate policy.
7. Complain no one is around to help you and don’t directly ask for help
Once you’ve completely rejected all offers for help, it’s time to start looking around for something you can’t find. Since you’ve established yourself as a total jerk who doesn’t want to be bothered, no one is going to help you. It is now your job to wander around like a lost puppy trying to find what you want, but don’t be happy about it.
Every person you come across, make statements about how you can’t find what you want in the store because it’s a terrible layout and then comment how the employees never seem to be helpful. Talk mention how the employees are more interested in talking to each other and running the register…when someone is at the register. I’ll talk more about this later.
Also, if you come across another employee who isn’t helping you and isn’t assisting someone else or stocking at ground level, don’t ask for their help. Instead, stand around with a confused look on your face, constantly looking over at the employee, and/or keep sighing. Another option is to keep walking toward the employee like you’re going to say something, but never do, and just keep walking by them. You don’t want them to know you can recognize who actually works there. This brings us to the next section of the guide…
8. Act like you don’t know who works at the store
The employees at retail stores usually wear a name tag with the store name, a radio, may even be in a specific uniform, and will be doing things such as running the register or stocking items from a flat bed cart full of boxes. IGNORE ALL OF THIS!!!
What you’ll need to do is ask random people in the store if they work there, then be surprised when they say no. If you don’t want to come across as a total idiot to random people and just a jerk, then only do this to the employees. If you see someone in a uniform and/or a stocking items while talking on the radio and/or helping customers, you will want to stare at them with total confusion and ask, “Um…do you work here?”
No one can expect you to use your brain…and besides, since the person you’re asking help from is there to assist you, they aren’t people and therefore their opinions don’t matter. That’s right, their opinion of you is just like a hooker trying to explain your moral shortcomings or a Muslim trying to teach peace…it doesn’t matter. Yep, you just read that. It happened.
9. Dump everything you don’t want on the cashier, be rude and request the price of each item as it is rung up
Now that you’re ready to pay for the few items you actually want, it’s time to dump everything you’ve collected up until this point on the cashier’s counter top if you’re carrying it. If you have two carts or two hand baskets, then make sure they know you have what you want in one, and the one which is completely over flowing with items is what you do not want. Never mind most people don’t collect things they don’t want into a shopping car/hand basket or carry it around awkwardly. What matters is the factyou did.
Don’t forget to tell the cashier how long everything has been taking if there was a line and how you’re in a hurry. Demand they tell their supervisors to add more cashiers, even if all the cash registers are being operated at the time. This is a very effective technique if there are only two registers going because there are only two registers in the entire store. If there are people out and about trying to help people shop, complain there is no one running the register! After all, you didn’t want their help out on the sales floor so they must not be busy. If there really was no staffing on the floor to help you, complain even more that there is no help in the store and demand the management do something about it. Don’t actually request to speak to a manager, and never mind the employee has no control of the situation, just demand the management do something about it.
If there is a long line, make sure the cashier takes care of your wants before your discards. If there is no line, then make them take care of your discards before your wants. Why? Well, making them take care of your wants first when there is a line ensures you’re out of there before someone in the line gets really upset and voices their disdain for you while making them continue to wait. If there is no line, then you can almost be assured by the time the cashier gets finished processing the discards and rings you up, there is now a long line forming behind you!
Make sure you tell the cashier you want the price of each item as they are ringing it up as well. Not only does this hold everyone else up, but you’re making more work for the cashier. As the price is being told to you, think about it for up to five seconds. Five seconds may not seem like a long time, but to the people waiting and the cashier, it will seem like an eternity. If all your items are around the same price, if something is ten cents more expensive than something else, tell them you don’t want it.
Once everything has been rung up and you’re given a total, shout the price in surprise and then ask, “How can that be?!” When the cashier tries to explain, go through your bag and ask them to once again read the price of each item. Be very upset when you give them the form of payment and tell them you can’t believe it’s so expensive for such a small amount of items. Once again demand the employee talk to “corporate” to be more reasonable, add more staff to help on the floor, add more cashiers, and how you’ll never shop there again. Which brings us to the last lesson of this guide…
10. Claim you’ll never shop there again
Is it true? Hell no! You’ll be back in three days to return almost everything you bought and then again the following week to do this all over again! You aren’t in it for the abuse…you’re in it to abuse!
You did it! You’ve completed this free Sunrie’s How To Guide! For more free guides check these out:
The Writing Process: A Sunrie Guide
How to Troll: A Sunrie Guide
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What To Actually Do in a Relationship
Suicide: Getting it Right the First Time