Do you have love problems? Do you have problems finding love? Do you have problems just trying to understand how to do things? Well, fear not! For Guru Sunrie shall assist you in your love’s labour’s lost! Unlike others out on the Internet, I am not charging you a single fraction of currency for this type of help. I do this as a service of love and not a service of profit.
Not long ago I requested everyone on Xanga and on several other sites to send me their love problems so that I may help them. I have finally been able to compile the answers to the most serious of all the questions. Worry not, readers, for I have changed the names of all who submitted their problems. Without further adieu, let’s begin!
Craig’s List Love
From: Wanky Panky
Help me out!
I’m a huge pervert, and so under pseduonyms, I posted ways to contact me for like minded people. I get a message from a guy, saying that his ex is a nympho. Loves sex. She has a boyfriend, but still fools around with him. She just can’t get enough. Heres the problem: She tells him he should get guys from the internet for her. Turns out, I’m the first guy that he messaged, that is in the area, and isn’t a creep. She looks great, (great pics!) and they’d like to set up a meeting, (In a public place) where we all get to know each other. If things go well, and she likes me, I get to have lots of perverted sex with her.
So, should I go along with it? Or do you think its just a gay guy? Or are they going to rob me? (I have nothing to lose, except my pride.) Please, please, help me Dr. Sunrie.
I thought you said they were looking for someone who wasn’t a creep? Sounds pretty creepy to me. But, hey, I’ve been told that a guy spanking a Pikachu doll while drunk and naked shouldn’t judge.
I’d say send a friend in your place and watch from a distance. That way, if they are looking to cut off his balls instead of letting him have sex with her, you can just pretend it’s a reality sex show…and you keep your balls. If he does get some, then you can join in next time!
Milk Maid Love
I met a girl at milk bar, but she looked at me like I was an idiot for coming to a bar that serves milk. So I followed her outside, we talked, and then we became girl friend and boy friend…
2 months later…We are still dating but she is acting as if I am not around. What’s wrong?
You’re obviously spending too much time with her. Start ignoring her and go out with your friends instead. Then, when she asks why you aren’t spending any time with her, simply let her know that you lost interest after trying to get her attention. That or just screw her bestfriend/sister. That’ll teach her.
From: Lovey Dovey Girl
i need some help this guy likes me & he keep’s flritng w/ me but he is going out w/ my friend & i told her wt he was doing but she just lafe at me & said “thats a good 1” but she did tell him to stop w/e he was doing………..i like him to & he’s cute & he just called me becaues she broke up w/ him 4 that but he only does it w/ me she said……so i dont no wt to do because he will proble ask me out tomarro! PLEZ HELP!
Well, all you have to do is call him and say you’re naked when he gets there. If he shows up, you know he likes you. If he doesn’t…well he’s gay.
A boy dumped me, and now is saying things that make it seem like he thinks we’re dating. How do I inform him that we aren’t dating, and haven’t been since he dumped me, without causing massive drama?
Stop having sex with him. That pretty much puts a complete stop to everything. Don’t pretend you aren’t still screwing, either.
Harry and his Hendersons
From: Not a Metro
I have been dating this girl for about 6 months now and we have a wonderful relationship. But she doesnt like that Im all hairy, she wants me to shave my back, chest, and…. well you know. Im not a fag, and I like being a manly man, but she wont have sex with me until I do. What should I do?
I’m going to have to side with her on this one. No one wants to sleep with a bear no matter what the supposed lesson of “Girl Sleeps with Beasts 3” porn wanted to teach you.
However, I’m not so sure you should be going shaving your junk. I mean, that’s a mark of pride right there. She should be rather proud of your man-mane. Also, there’s little more painful than knicking the ‘ole alien brain, if you know what I mean. Look at it this way: You’ll swim faster, run faster, and even slide out of bed easier. Just don’t remove your lion’s hair. Don’t want to look French or anything. Lastly, you can’t be a big manly-man without having sex; so keep that in mind!
Handcuffs are Rings, Too
From: Wed Locked
Here’s my situation. I’m married now. Help me!
Oh man…I’m sorry to hear that. My only suggestion to you is role playing. Yes, role playing. I’m not talking about just any RP, I’m talking true to life, live action. When she comes in wearing her sexy little genie outfit, put on your mage’s hat and robe, then cast level three sexuality on her. You won’t be sorry.
Wishy Washy Wuv
From: Red Almight
I need your advice..There is this girl I like who I get along with really well..I’ve talked to her about going out..But she seems to want to change the subject..But the thing is, Her freind tells me she likes me..Please..What in gods name am I supposed to do!?
Fuck her friend. That’ll teach the bitch.
The Ink is Permanent
From: Worcester Sauce
Okay. I was with a girl for nearly 4 years (I was 11 when I met her), I promised her one day I would get a tattoo of her name somewhere on my body. So, on my 15th Birthday I decided to keep to my end of the bargain and got the tattoo, high up on the top meaty part of my thigh.
Obviously most relationships end on a sour note, and ours was no exception. We split, I wanted her back badly. I nagged and nagged and eventually gave up all hope. About 2 months after my ‘giving up’ she come’s back to me and tell’s me she want’s to give it another shot, I tell her to fuck off and we fall out of friendship as well as love.
Present day, I’m 19 and I still love her dearly. I still have the tattoo (which is three letters long ‘PEP’ short for Pepita. Feel free to make the Salt on one leg and pepper on the other joke). Problem is she aint at all bothered and only thinks of me as a mate. Should I get the bad boy covered up and move on? Should I continue having meaningless drunken one night stands? Or should I ask her father to sell her to me for a bag of magic beans?
Cover it up and move on, are you kidding me? This is your chance to get the tail you could only beg for, my friend. This is a sure fire way to find out if the next woman is going to be worth it. I am talking about, of course, an exciting threesome. If the girl thinks it’s hot or sweet that you have her name on your leg, time to start asking about her sister or her best friend joining you both in the bedroom. Remember to send me pictures.
Sunrie! Help! My girlfriend is mad at me because I told all my friends about us doing it in the “dirty” hole…you know…the dark ally in the back… How can I calm her down?!
Allow me to congratulate you on hitting her in the shitter. Easiest way is to stick a cock in her mouth. Otherwise, just dump her. I mean, you already punched in her backdoor, so what more could there be?
There you have it from the mouth of a true master. Remember, whether you think you can or you think you can’t, you’re right!
Posted 2/18/2013 at 12:34 AM Xanga