Then hire me to beat their ass into submission! Face the facts, people. Your children aren’t special, they aren’t wonderful, but they are way out of control and need a good ol’fashioned ass whooping. I understand that you feel an undeserved sense of exaggerated love for your kids, but the truth is, if you actually loved them, you’d knock some sense into them.
You aren’t loving, you’re a wuss. You’ve been brainwashed into thinking spanking your child is bad for them. You’re probably basing this off the fact you’re a complete and utter waste of genetic material yourself, and try to make the connection that way. Well, while you’re right in knowing how worthless you are, children need a good beating every so often. It’s good for them and good for society!
I offer many services and styles of child beating at low, low prices. Listed below are just a few samples of the type of beat downs I can provide. Remember, all services are rendered separately unless noted otherwise, and for each style of punishment, you will be billed accordingly.
1. Back Handed Boo-Ya
The “Back Handed Boo-Ya” differs from a traditional back hand in the amount of torque and surprise delivered. One shouldn’t confuse this with a pimp slap, as you pimp slap a bitch who isn’t making you money when she should. Children are generally useless and don’t make money at all. Trust me when I say one “Back Handed Boo-Ya” will generally be all it takes to make a believer out of your child. If it doesn’t, I’ll be more than happy to follow it up with one or more of the other ass whoopings listed. For additional charges, of course.
One of my personal favorites for issuing punishment. The “El-Kapow!” let’s the child know I mean business. By holding the child tightly by skin, hair, or clothing, I will take a giant step while simultaneously dropping my elbow onto their body with enough force to knock out a bull elephant. Unlike other listings, the “El-Kapow!” can be administered up to five consecutive times, or until the child has become unconscious, for no extra fees. As the child screams and cries, I will administer another “El-Kapow!” just so they know the amount of beating is directly related to how much they complain. Personally, I prefer the child to become unconscious, but whatever.
This technique is also extremely useful when children or babies won’t sleep. Instead of pussyfooting around with “Shh…shh…” while rocking them, I’ll use this to remind them it’s not okay to wake up at ungodly hours of the night. After all, you have to work the next day and/or take care of them, so they should respect your “you time”.
3. Drop Kicked Baby
Kids used to receive their first beating during child birth in order to get them to take a breath. Now children are simply subjected to mucus tubes and air-conditioning in order for this to happen, which helps to explain one reason why people have grown to be such whiny and entitled shitheads. To remedy this, I will come in and drop kick your baby the day it is born. Why risk the chance your child will grow up not knowing the score? Let’s give them the heads up right away. Even though this is called “Drop Kicked Baby” I will be more than willing to drop kick a child up to the age of two. However, the older and heavier, don’t expect the distance you would out of a preemie or newborn.
4. Double Dutch
The “Double Dutch” is my special deal for twins or more than one child needing discipline at the same time. I will simultaneously punch one child in the face while kicking the other in the gut, and then reverse the beating order by punching the one I kicked and kick the one I punched. In the event of a third child needing an attitude adjustment at the same time, I will provide a headbutt and then round table the beating. Should four children need beating, I will do the aforementioned, while standing on the chest of the fourth and redistributing the pain as I make my way down the line. For more than four children, I will break them up into groups and dish out the pain accordingly. The great thing about this method is I only charge for the service once for up to five children!
5. British Nanny
I will shake the child like a British nanny. Unlike most of you out there, I know the proper technique. The secret is to put your thumbs on the pectoral muscles while getting a really strong grip around the clavicle and squeezing the posterior side, placing your fingers beneath the scapula. Doing so minimizes support on the neck and maximizes the whipping motion of the head. I don’t just go back and forth, either. I’ll change it up by randomly and rapidly moving to the left and right as well. It’s great to make the little ones no longer cry.
6. Face Palm
Like your memes? Then this one is for you! I will give your kid the ultimate face palm. Anytime your child does something which makes you want to face palm, I’ll give them one instead. This one has some torque behind it. To add some flavor to this treat, I will hold your child’s face against a bag of frozen vegetables first and then give them their slap. I also provide this service to any bitch in your house hold in order to help you tell her what’s up.
So, there you have it. This is just a small list of services I will provide. For pricing and availability, feel free to contact me via phone or e-mail. After, all, you don’t want your child growing up to this guy:
It was aliens!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Posted 2/10/2013 at 12:21 AM on Xanga