Sultons of Sex with Osh and Gosh: Transcript 2

—The following is a partial transcript from the radio show “Sultans of Sex with Osh and Gosh” —

Gosh:
Hellllooooo, listeners!

Osh:
Yes, what’s up, our loyal minions.  You’re listening to Sultans of Sex with Osh and Gosh.  As if you didn’t know, I’m Osh.

Gosh:
So that obviously makes me Gosh.  Dr. Modjucawk won’t be joining us tonight.  I know, I know, it’s not a big deal.  I’m sure you’re as relieved as I am.

Osh:
What the hell is the problem between you two, anyway?

Gosh:
Philosophical differences, that’s all.

Osh:
Phili…what?!  We’ve never talked about philosophies on this program.

Gosh:
Look, if hanging out at the mall oggling jailbait and then masturbating about it later is wrong, I don’t give a damn to be right!

Osh:
Dude!

Gosh:
Moving on…

Osh:
Yes…good idea…  Like the Amber Alert here said, Dr. Modjucawk will not be with us.  In his place, we have behavioral specialist, Professor Hugh Morris.

Prof. Morris:
Thank you, guys, great to be here, thanks for having me!

Gosh:
Oh, you haven’t been had just yet, Professor.

Prof. Morris:
You know, Gosh, your obsession with sex doesn’t so much as intrigue me as it does have me concerned for you over your past.  Were you inappropriately touched when you were a child?

*five seconds of dead air*

*laughing from both Osh and Prof. Morris is heard as Gosh begins talking*

Gosh:
So, first caller, your name is Joann, from Austin, Texas.  For the record, it wasn’t inappropriate!

Joann:
Heeeey, guuuuys.

*Osh, Gosh, and Prof. Morris all speak at the same time*

Gosh:
Hey! Yeah, wow!

Osh:
Heeeeey yourself!

Prof. Morris:
Well, hello, Joann!

Joann:
Thanks.  It’s nice to actually get through to talk to you.  Um…yeah, so I have a few questions.

Osh:
Well, you only get one.  So what one do you REALLY want an answer to?

Gosh:
Yeah, yeah, yeah, because if we let everyone ask whatever and however many they wanted, it would be their show and not ours.

Joann:
Yeah, well, umm…okay…  I guess I should ask the important one.

Prof. Morris:
Okay, if I may?  Not that it matters here.

*Osh and Gosh can be heard laughing*

Prof. Morris:
This is obviously something bothering you and you’re embarrassed about it or else you wouldn’t be taking so long to ask it.  Come on.  Out with it.

*Joann can be heard sighing*

Joann:
Okay, so I finally did something with my boyfriend that we shouldn’t have probably done in the first place over a vacation and I know what it means to me, and …

*Gosh can be heard half-whispering in the background*

Gosh:
He so got laid!

Joann:
… I don’t know what it means to him, but to me …

*Osh can be heard half-whispering in the background*

Osh:
This chick is a whiner…

Joann:
… it means that he’ll actually propose.

Osh:
Joann…that isn’t a question.

Gosh:
Yeah, no kidding.  A question goes UP at the end.

*Prof. Morris can be heard with a moderately hard laugh*

Joann:
Up?  I don’t get it…  What does that mean?

*Osh and Gosh can be heard laughing very hard in the background*

Prof. Morris:
While my friends here have a conniption fit, let me explain what it probably means to him.  Obviously to you, it’s something you take very seriously and you’d only do it with someone you believe will be around forever, right?

Joann:
Right…

Prof. Morris:
Right.  Okay, well men are hard wired for sex, that much is pretty obvious to everyone.  Women, however, have all these emotions and ideals tied into it these days.  The point here is, it was an end to the work he put in.

Joann:
Oh…so, is he like going to …

Gosh:
Joann!

Joann:
… leave me now?

Gosh:
JOANN!

Joann:
…yes?

Prof. Morris:
Hold on there, Gosh.  Joann, how old are you?

Joann:
Seventeen…

Prof. Morris:
Okay, seriously, especially at that age, what a guys is looking …

Joann:
All we did was make out…

Gosh:
Excuse me?

Osh:
Seriously?!

Joann:
Well, I mean, I don’t just make out with anyone!

*three seconds of silence*

Joann:
Um…hello?

Prof. Morris:
No, we’re still here, Joann.  You’ve lived a sheltered life, haven’t you?

Joann:
Well…yeah, I mean, I just was moved down from a small town of twenty people up in the mountains a year ago.

*Osh, Gosh, and Prof. Morris all groan and laugh a little*

Prof. Morris:
Okay, then even more so, Joann.  Don’t worry about it.  I’m sure you’re fine.

Osh:
And I’m sure you’ll be pregnant in a week.

Joann:
Oh god!  Is that how it happens?!

*caller is hang up on*

Gosh:
ENOUGH!  Sorry to hang up on her…no, you know what?  Forget it, I’m NOT sorry.  I can’t take anymore from her.

Osh:
Okay, Prof. Morris, I gotta ask you…what’s up with people that shelter their children like that.

Prof. Morris:
These are generally people who had made a lot of mistakes in their own life and believe that by keeping their children in a little, windowless box, as it were, they will be better off for it and not make those same mistakes.

Gosh:
So, basically, whores.

Prof. Morris:
Uh, no, actually.  While there is no reason to believe that keeping your children sheltered from certain things will do them harm, there’s evidence to prove that other things children are exposed to will do them good.

Osh:
Okay, we’re done with this serious stuff.  Let’s take another caller.  Welcome to the Sultan’s of Sex!  James, I think it is.  You’re thirty five from Brick, New Jersey.  How are you, buddy?

James:
I’m actually doing great, guys!  How about you all?

Prof. Morris:
We’re doing fine here.  What is it that you need?

James:
Well, like you said, I’m thirty five.  I think I’m pretty good looking and …

Gosh:
It doesn’t matter what you think.

James:
What’s that?

Osh:
Nothing, James, continue.

James:
Yeah, so I met this little twenty year old hottie and she bangs like a god damn mink.

Gosh:
Hey, whoa, watch the language.  So what’s the problem?

James:
Oh, there’s no problem, I’m just telling EVERYONE.

*caller hangs up*

*Osh, Gosh, and Prof. Morris all laugh really hard as the caller hangs up*

Prof. Morris:
Do you want to know why that is so great to him?

Osh:
No, I’m sure that I can figure that one out.

*Prof. Morris laughs*

*Osh speaks in a bad New Jersey accent*

Osh:
Stinking, mook.

Gosh:
So, who else do we have on the line?

Prof. Morris:
Oh, I like this one.  Chris!

Chris:
Uh, hello?

Prof. Morris:
Yes, hello, Chris!  It says here that you think you might be a furry.

Chris:
Yeah, I’m starting to feel that way.

Gosh:
Hold on…what in the hell is a furry?  Like…a really hairy Italian?

Osh:
What have I told you about making fun of the dago-wops, Gosh?

Chris:
No, it’s someone who likes…well…

Prof. Morris:
Let me explain this one, Chris.  Imagine the hottest female you can, Gosh.

Gosh:
Done…and I’m getting a raging boner.

Prof. Morris:
Okay, good!  Good!

Gosh:
Not really, my pants are getting really, really short.

*Osh can be heard laughing in the background*

Prof. Morris:
Now, picture that women has all the same features and curves, but is actually a human sized and proportioned llama.

*there is two seconds of silence*

Gosh:
And my pants fit better once again.

Chris:
Well, I’m not actually into the llamas.

Osh:
Uh…good?  Why do you think that you might be a furry?

Gosh:
No, seriously, I think I just threw up a little.

Chris:
You don’t have to be rude about this!

Gosh:
Oh, I absolutely DO have to.  The reason …

*the sound of a hand being placed over a microphone is heard*

Prof. Morris:
Ignore him, Chris.  Go ahead and answer the question.

Chris:
Well, I saw a few of the drawings and I got turned on.  Now when I look for porn, I’m looking up the fur fetish.

Gosh:
So, let me get this straight…you want to nail an animal?

Chris:
No, it’s not like that.

Gosh:
Bull *censor beep*, man!  You’re looking up pictures of animals that look like humans to justify your bestiality!

Prof. Morris:
In a way, yes, but not exactly.

Osh:
Prof. Morris, don’t try to explain this one to Gosh.  It’s just not going to happen.

Chris:
It’s something that just started, too.  I haven’t always wanted to look at it and it wasn’t something that I actively looked for before.

Osh:
You know what?  There’s actually someone here who’s had an encounter with someone who was into this.

Prof. Morris:
Really?

Gosh:
Oh, god no…

Prof. Morris:
What’s going on?  Who?

Osh:
Is he here?  Yes?  Hey, come on in here, Bob.

Bob the Angry Midget:
Prepare for an ass raping!  It’s Bob, the angry midget!  How you *censor beep* doing?

Gosh:
Seriously?  Bob, you’ve had a bestiality experience?

Bob the Angry Midget:
No, you sloppy puto.  It was this hot chick I met in a bar.  She was a real freak.  Like banging a pampas bull, man.

Osh:
So, you’ve banged bulls?

Bob the Angry Midget:
*censor beep* you, man!  I’m just using that as an example for your little freak parade here.

Prof. Morris:
Is there a point to all of this?

Bob the Angry Midget:
Don’t question me, maggot!  I may be an angry wee person, but I will *censor beep* your mom and your sister in front of you!

*Osh and Gosh can be heard laughing extremely hard*

Prof. Morris:
Good lord…

Bob the Angry Midget:
Anyway, so it was this chick who was all freaky as hell, right?  I knew she liked it because she kept screaming like a cat in a stretcher, right?  Things were going great, but then started with this, “*censor beep* me like a pony!  *censor beep* me like a pony!”

Gosh:
…you’ve got to be kidding…

Bob the Angry Midget:
Hell no, bitch!  Listen to what I’m saying!  I was all like, “Damn right!”  It was all fine and I was just going with it.  It only got weird when I put the saddle on her and rode her around her living room from behind.

*Osh, Gosh, Prof. Morris and Chris can all be heard laughing*

Bob the Angry Midget:
It was like the wheel barrow, but she had a saddle on her back and bit in her mouth.  I normally talk about grabbing a chicks’ hair and using it like reigns…but I actually had a hold of some reigns!

Gosh:
Okay, okay…I guess it can’t be all that bad, then.

Bob the Angry Midget:
She was insane, but had a snatch like velvet candy!  Everyone has to afford baby formula some how!

*Osh, Gosh, Prof. Morris and Chris can be heard laughing again*

Prof. Morris:
Now that we all have a better understanding of…well, Bob’s sex life …

Bob the Angry Midget:
You don’t know the *censor beep* half of that *censor beep*, queer!

*Osh, Gosh, and Chris can be heard laughing*

Prof. Morris:
Okay, okay, okay!  Anyway, it’s probably just a phase you’re going through, Chris.  You’re still finding yourself and what gets you going.  There are a lot of websites and furry meets for you to attend to see if it’s something that you are actually into.

Chris:
Thanks, Prof. Morris.  Thanks Osh, thanks Gosh!

*caller hangs up*

Bob the Angry Midget:
What a prick!  He didn’t thank me!  I usually sell those stories to sex sites and I gave it to him for free.  *censor beep* you, Chris!  If you ever have a daughter, I will *censor beep* her in front of you!

Osh:
Well, I think it’s time for a commercial.  Coming up, more calls…duh!

*musical bump featuring “Animal I Have Become” by Three Days Grace begins*

Bob the Angry Midget:
I’m outta here, bitches.  Just let me know if you need more of my brain power!

*musical bump slowly fades out as commercial break begins*

*musical bump featuring “My Band” by D12 featuring Eminem slowly fades in*

Gosh:
You’re listening to Sultans of Sex with Osh and Gosh here on W-ASS, the only FM Talk Radio, 169.9 on your FM Dials.

*musical bump fades out*

Prof. Morris:
During the break we all started talking about the Japanese cartoons, hentai they call it, with all the fetishes because of the last caller.

Osh:
Hey, don’t knock it, man.  At least they are pretty open with all that.

Prof. Morris:
Actually, the Japanese …

Gosh:
BORING!  Let’s take a call.  Eeny, Meeny, Miny…MOE!  What’s going on!

Caller:
Are you talking to me?

Gosh:
No, I’m talking to Casper.

Caller:
Oh, sorry, I’m not Casper.

*caller hangs up*

Osh:
…I swear some of our callers hurt my brain.

Prof. Morris:
That might be a tumor.

Gosh:
Okay, caller, I’m talking directly to you, Sarah.

Sarah:
Hey, thanks guys.

Prof. Morris:
Hello, Sarah.  What’s your issue?

Sarah:
Well, I just moved in with my long term boyfriend.  We had been dating for around a year and didn’t have sex before last week…and his mom kind of walked in on us…

Gosh:
HA!  That’s gotta be as awkward for her as it is had you walked in on her having sex with her dude.

Sarah:
Yeah, it was, but what was weird is that my boyfriend looked back and saw her, but then turned back to me and just kept going, like it never even happened.

Osh:
Hey, that’s pretty impressive.  Most people would drop to at least half stalk when that happens.

Sarah:
…yeah…I guess..?

Gosh:
Wait…so why did his mom have access to you both?

Sarah:
Oh, he lives at home right now.  He lost his job about six months back.

Gosh:
Okay, this guy is a hero.  So you’ve been dating for around a year, he’s been unemployed for six months of that year, and moved back in with his parents.  After which time you also moved in with him AND had sex with him?

Sarah:
Basically…yeah…

Osh:
Wow.  Umm…huh…

*Gosh can be heard clapping in the background*

Prof. Morris:
What is it that you’re concerned with?  Did it crush your sex drive or something?

*caller is heard with a broken connection*

Sarah:
Well, I tho…an…strange he wou…don’t you think?

Gosh:
Sarah, Sarah, Sarah.  Hold on.  You broke up really bad there for a second.  Are you on a cell phone?

Sarah:
Yeah, I’m in the garage in the back of his car listening to you guys and kind of hiding to make the call.

Osh:
Okay.  That explains that.  Can you say all that again?

Sarah:
I was just saying it’s strange that he’d keep going.  Don’t you think?

Prof. Morris:
I’ll take it, guys.  Stop looking at me like that, Gosh.

*Osh and Gosh can be heard laughing in the background*

Prof. Morris:
To address your concern, yes, it’s definitely strange he’d keep going at you knowing his mother was watching.  Was it like a quick glance and she left or what?

Sarah:
No, and that’s the other thing that’s bothering me.  She stood there for what seemed like forever.  I’m sure it was only about ten seconds or so, but she was actually watching as he stared at her.

Gosh:
Okay, I threw up a little again.

Osh:
Sarah?

Sarah:
Yeah?

Osh:
What’s the phone number?

Sarah:
What phone number?

Osh:
To his mom’s place, because she’s a freak that obviously needs it.

*Sarah laughs a little bit*

Sarah:
Oh, that’s sick.

Prof. Morris:
There’s a little happier tone!  Well, it may be nothing to him.  Maybe he’s a little bit of an exhibitionist and you’re just noticing.  Maybe he has had that happen a few times in the past.  Just talk to him about it.

Sarah:
That’s all you got to suggest?

Prof. Morris:
What else do you want?  That he’s having sex with his mom?  I can’t make that call from the limited information.  What I can suggest is that you both get your own place.  At least you should get your own place.  It’s just not healthy.  Okay?

Sarah:
Okay…thanks for whatever…

*caller hangs up*

Gosh:
I think she should just have a three way with them both.

Osh:
DUDE!!!

Prof. Morris:
I agree, that’s just nasty, Gosh.

Osh:
Although, in his defense, I think that a three way with the freaky mom and Sarah would be just fine if it were me and not the son.

Prof. Morris:
Now I know why Dr. Modjucawk took a few days off.

*Prof. Morris laughs*

Osh:
Let’s go to the next call…Oh, and it says that it’s an emergency.

Gosh:
Hey, go ahead, what’s going on that’s so important?

Caller:
I need assistance at Paco’s on the corner of Lincoln and Colefax!

Prof. Morris:
Wait, what?

Caller:
They stole my damn dollars and won’t give me my damn tacos!

Osh:
Tacos?  What are you talking about?

Caller:
What did I say?  I want my dollar and my tacos!

Prof. Morris:
You…you’re having a problem with your taco?

Gosh:
Like…a pink taco?  The sloppy taco?

Caller:
The proprietor here…he took my damn money, refused to make my taco, and he kept my money!

Osh:
Okay, so a problem with a regular taco.

Caller:
The owner, bitch!

Osh, Gosh, Prof. Morris:
Whoa, whoa!

Caller:
I’m sorry.  I’m pissed off!

Prof. Morris:
Just calm down and tell us what’s going on.

Caller:
Aren’t you listening to me?!  I told you!  You aren’t listening to anything I’ve said!

Gosh:
Is this serious?

Caller:
Of course this is serious!  Are you going to help me or not?  Get your fat ass down here and help me out!

Osh:
First of all, my ass is not fat, and secondly, my ass is staying in the air conditioned station.

Caller:
Oh, so now you’re not going to help me!

*Osh, Gosh, and Prof. Morris can be heard laughing in the background*

Prof. Morris:
We’re trying to help you, but we need to know what’s going on and some information.  Where are you?

Caller:
I told you were I am!  What did I just say?!

Osh:
I know, I know, but tell me slower.  What’s your name as well?

Caller:
WHAT?!  I don’t have to give you that *censor beep*, bitch!

Gosh:
Ha!  Okay, what was actually wrong with the taco?

Caller:
That bean dog mother *censor beep* refused to give it to me!  He also won’t give me my money back!

Osh:
Well that ain’t right.

Caller:
No it ain’t!  My house is locked up, you mother *censor beep* Jew!  I only got one dollar and thirty five cents, and he took it!  Are you coming or not?

Gosh:
Uh…huh…um…well, as far as we’re concerned you can get whatever taco you want…even a chaco-taco.

Caller:
Good!  Now get down here and don’t send me no niggers.

*two seconds of silence*

Caller:
Hello?!

Gosh:
You mean you don’t want a black dude coming out there?

Caller:
That’s right!  I know some nigger is going to steal from me, too.  They have no respect for strong black women and will steal from me just like this pepper-gut!

Prof. Morris:
Lady, you need therapy.

Caller:
*censor beep* YOU!  If you won’t help, I’ll just do it myself!

*caller forcefully hangs up*

*Gosh can heard taking a deep sigh*

Osh:
Did she want the cops?  Did she think that she called the non-emergency number or something?

Gosh:
I need a really strong shower after that call.

*musical bump featuring Cupid Shuffle by Cupid fades in*

Osh:
I think we need a commercial.

Prof. Morris:
I completely agree, boys.

*musical bump fades out as commercial break begins*

—End Transcript—

Posted 6/9/2010 at 5:46 PM

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