Reboots that are remakes aren’t wanted!

Reboots…some are good, most suck ass.  I don’t want to learn the origin of Batman or Spiderman every five years.  We get one film a year for four years with the new actors and storyline, then we’re suddenly sucker punched with a reboot of the series…I guess because you’re all too ADHD and must have the “newest and greatest”.

Then there are the reboots that are remakes.  What do I mean?  I mean things like the terrible Mortal Kombat: Legacy.  If you haven’t seen this steaming pile, I salute you.  I wouldn’t recommend looking this up, even for Jeri Ryan, made popular among Sci-Fi geeks having starred on Star Trek Voyager as Seven of Nine.  With all the information and source material available for something such as Mortal Kombat, how do you screw that up?  Well, some people on the Internet have found a way in the form of said web-series.

Now, there are other examples of completely screwing over something that was great to begin with in order to revamp it (Spiderman reboot looks god awful and Alice in Wonderland was disgusting), but let’s stick with just the subject matter here.  What goes through the writer’s minds when they are making these things?  I would call them the worst kind of fan fiction, but I’ve had the horrible, nightmare inducing chance to read some of the fan fiction out there.  Oh, and if you’re the one writing them…those feelings are NOT natural!

I blame a lot of you out there, too.  When these terrible reboots and re-imaginings are released, you eat it up like flies on dog shit.  Why are you idiots praising the MK: Legacy web series? It’s like taking War and Peace and making it just Peace or making it a romance comedy.

Now, case in point…Harry Potter.  There is a ton of information available for the mythos.  Everything from books, to interviews, and past movies.  One could argue the movies aren’t all that great, but then again, neither were the books.  Maybe that’s just me…but I doubt that.  Imagine how we could re-imagine this length of story using the creative license to make it even more epic!

Hogwarts is now a bio-mechanical corporation which is creating bio-engineered humans.  These humans, known as W.I.Z.A.R.D.S. (Weaponized Intelligant Zetetic Abditive Radiated Drone Students) are created in the Quidditch Pitch and can use special powers which resembles magic.  Failed experiments are called Squibs and are used for positions such as mail room clerks and janitorial duties.  The CEO of the company is known only as Dumbledore and has sat as head of the company for as long as anyone can remember.

Harry Potter wakes up on an express tram one day, groggy and a little disoriented.  The youth looks around him, but sees very little in way of other passengers.  The rhythmic clanking of the tracks can be heard and Harry stands to stretch.  It is then he sees a young girl not far from him, watching him from the corner of his eye.  Next to her is another young man, near his same age.  The pair seem to know each other.

The three end up talking and Harry comments that the train seems to be going on forever.  The boy looks nervous, as does the girl, but an announcement for the end of the line rings out and they are forced to depart.  As they exit the tram and Harry asks the girl and boy their names; The girl says she is called Hermione and the boy says his name is Ron.  Just as Harry is asking where they’re going, they are attacked by strange robots.  Harry is, at first, scared, and just runs, while Hermione and Ron try their best to fight them off.  While Harry is cornered, a power erupts from his hand in glowing green and the robot reels backward, melting as if it were drenched in acid.  Hermione and Ron eventually fend off their attackers and rush to Harry, who is shocked at what happened.

Over the course of the movie, we find out that Harry is actually a W.I.Z.A.R.D. in his testing phase.  He is the first pure blooded W.I.Z.A.R.D. to be produced.  Hermione and Ron are known as “Mudbloods”, which are M.U.G.G.L.E.s (Multi-unit Gamma Gallimaufry Living Entity), who are regular humans, mixed with the W.I.Z.A.R.D. process.  They are not nearly as strong as Harry, but they are there to watch over him.  They are part of the Gryffindor project which is one of four.

The robots and assassins were sent out by a being known as Voldemort.  Voldemort was passed off for the promotion for CEO and wants revenge on Dumbledore, as well as the stock investors.  With Voldemort trying to kill Harry, they all set out to destroy him and his minions.  Near the end, we find out Hermione and Ron were actually working for Voldemort, but grew an emotional attachment to Harry, and so they protect Harry no matter what.  They are considered failed experiments and are marked for death as well.

In the end they are triumphant, and we even learn that Harry Potter is basically a clone of Voldemort, seeing as much of Voldemort’s biological make up was used to create Harry in the first place.

How fucking epic is all that?  I know, right?!  Yeah, no.  Stop making these shitty re-imagining movies and series, people.  Do you know what the most ironic part of all this is?  Even though it’s called a re-imagining, there was no imagination involved here.  The hardest part for me was learning the names and locations of the Harry Potter mythos since I had to look it all up.

Stop this crap, people.  I mean it.

Posted 4/28/2011 at 1:47 PM on Xanga

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