Sure some people think about it jokingly, but do you really have a plan? I sure as hell do, and I guarantee you that unlike the vast majority of people out there, my plan is actually going to keep me safe. Why? Because I have enough sense to think in advance the problems there will be. Here are a few of the points in my Zombie Apocalypse Plan.
1. Preparedness and Awareness
First off, I’m pretty well plugged in to what is going on. I won’t be hanging out and acting like the characters in Shaun of the Dead. No way. Unlike them, I’m a perceptive son-of-a-bitch and will instantly know that there are zombies beginning to appear. Yeah, kind of like a boy scout, but a man, a manly man who’s out to kick ass. A LOT of ass, actually.
The vast majority of people tend to be surprised when they see a cop on the freeway. Why? Because they don’t pay attention. Nope, not me. I’m always looking up, out, and around. I usually spot cops and accidents WAY before everyone else comes up on them. Yeah, I’m that guy.
Now, I’m not saying that I have a huge storage of food, water, toilet paper, or any of that kind of paranoid, pussy crap. No! I am mentally prepared, which is better than being regular prepared because I said so. If you’re ready to do what it takes mentally, then you have what it takes to get shit done. This brings me up to the next part of my plan.
2. Fit Mind and Body
<Keeanu Reeve’s voice>I know Kung Fu.</Keeanu Reeve’s voice> Well, okay, I know a few mixes of martial arts. Hand to hand combat is essential for being able to stop a Zombie trying to eat your face at close range.
Know what else martial arts is good for? Well, balance for one, and focus for another. Being able to remain calm in a situation where someone or something is trying to kill you is key. You don’t want to panic. I won’t panic. See, I can think at least one step ahead of the zombie, which probably isn’t thinking very much at all.
Another thing I have going for me is working out. I do quite a bit of cardiovascular exercises and I lift weights. I might not be huge, but I’m in better shape than most of you out there. It’s kind of like out running a bear: I only have to run faster and longer than the person next to me. Funny as it sounds, the movie Zombie Land had it right when he said his number one rule was cardio. The fatties will definitely be the first to go.
Hell, think about it…would you keep chasing after an elk if it dropped a one pound hamburger with all your favorite fixings? Well, I probably would only because I love the taste of elk meat, but I would pick up that burger on the way to do so. If the elk is lucky enough, by the time I finish picking up the burger, I’ve lost it’s trail. I will SO use you for that distraction, Fatty McFat Fat!
I know, I know, I know…you’re probably thinking, “Yeah, well, when someone is trying to eat your face ‘Crouching Tiger’ turns into ‘Crapping Pants’! If you were getting eaten by a lion, you’d probably be freaking out.” That’s true. I’m not going to pretend otherwise. This brings me to the other point of my plan.
3. Knowledge and Skill with Weapons
I like guns. I own guns. I know how to use guns effectively. What’s the point of owning guns or running around with a gun if you can’t use it correctly?
My plan is to not only use my guns to my advantage, but use them smart. How is that? Well, first of all, don’t just spray and pray. Only taking shots I know that I can make.
There are a few key notes when dealing with a zombie. First off, they are like a human on PCP. That is, they keep getting up and forcing themselves to move even when an arm or other limb is destroyed. Zombies are always put down when shot in the head. Head shots from a distance, especially with a pistol is very difficult. Pistol shots should be reserved for extremely close quarters.
When a zombie is rushing and a pistol shot isn’t going to be a good idea, then go with the shotgun full of buck shot. While slugs will offer more knock down power, they’re more like a rifle, meaning you have to be much more accurate. Buck shot offers more shredding power, especially for a head shot.
For medium range, switch over to a good assault rifle. The ability to riddle a zombie with bullets is nice and all, but you want to conserve your ammunition. The real reason you want a good assault rifle is for crowd control. Unlike in video games, one shotgun blast isn’t going to take down five zombies at a time. A good AR is going to allow you to sweep a group, hopefully tagging each one close to the head or at least making them stagger.
What about a long range attack? I WILL NOT DO IT! What’s the point? The zombies are going to be attracted by the noise of a battle anyway, and the worst thing I can think of is attracting more than I need to. Why in the world would I try sniping zombies who are over two hundred yards away? Sneaking is a much better option.
Close range combat is the biggest bitch of them all, but not the end of your life! Remember what I said about zombies getting put down permanently when you destroy the brain? Yep, that’s right, I’ll get a good melee weapon.
The staple of every zombie defense is the chainsaw. However, there is one huge issue I see with using a chainsaw, and that is the noise it creates. Also, you will run out of gas eventually. Even if it’s powered by electricity, you aren’t in for a lot of killing, since you’re limited by your extension cord. Not to mention the start up time.
See, I have swords…lots of swords. I have two in particular which are made for actual combat. I also have baseball bats. Hell, I don’t even have to get my hands on any of those. Anything is a good enough weapon if you’re thinking, which I know how to do, obviously.
Rock on the ground? Pick it up and bash some skulls! Is there a construction site nearby? Well, grab yourself some wooden planks, hammers, wrenches, what have you and you’re set. I think about this, which is why I’m going to survive.
Oh, and going back to that crowd thing…let me bring up my next point on how I plan to survive the coming Zombie Apocalypse.
4. Steer clear of the crowds
You’re probably thinking to yourself, “Run to the mall!” or even “Get to the gun store!”, but more than likely, “Get out of town!”
That is exactly why ~I~ am going to survive the Zombie Apocalypse and you are going to die!
I’m not saying to be a hermit. Absolutely not. What I’m saying is to be smart about things. I understand that while the world is being eaten around everyone, they are going to panic. When people panic, people get stupid, when people get stupid, they think less than they already do. What will end up happening is everyone getting on the roads at the same time. One man’s traffic jam is a zombie’s buffet. I also know how to ride a motorcycle both on and off road, which will aid me in maneuvering around everyone else.
Thanks to zombie films, people will want to rush over to the mall. Doing so will be a fatal flaw in many people’s plans. Since people are going to be rushing there, they will undoubtedly leave doors open, break open windows, and crowd together for a nice meal-in-a-box. It’ll be the restaurant of zombie choice. So, no thank you!
I had brought up how I will have some firearms with me in the previous part of my plan. Well, you’re stupid for thinking that you’re going to rush over to a gun store and just take some guns. People who sell guns generally like guns, own guns, and know how to use guns. They aren’t going to let you take their life line from them! I sure as hell wouldn’t. More than likely, you’ll have your face shot off before you even make it to the front door. Besides, even if you do make it to the front door, what makes you think they’ll just let you in?
My plan is to know where my safer locations are and give it a few if I get caught up in the shit of it. Once things start to calm down a little bit, I can move around much more safely and freely. I’m not stupid enough to go up into the high country towns for some mountain living, either. Nope, I’m good enough to survive in some of the deeper mines and caves in this state. After getting a few essentials at some sport shops, I’ll be all hooked up. Oh, and don’t confuse me with someone stupid enough to cook out in the open where the zombies can see the smoke and smell the food.
5. Final Survival Length
Well, I’d give myself until they all starved to death, except for one huge issue. As one of my buddies once stated, he gives me a year before I remember that the H1Z3 virus is a sexually transmitted disease, and I catch it.
I mean, you’d eventually hit that ass to the right, too…right?
Obama: “They aren’t zombies, they are enemy eaters!”
Posted 4/27/2010 at 3:25 PM on Xanga