Until I moved to Colorado, I believed the term “Sunday Driver” was just something one used in order to refer to a moronic driver without swearing in front of your children so you actually seem to give a damn about them. Well, as it turns out, outside of California there really are a bunch of you idiots out there driving only one day a week and still think that you have reasonable driving skills to be on the road. The fact is, you don’t.
Don’t worry, though. I’m going to help change all of that. Yes, with Professor Sunrie’s Patent Pending Driving Tips, you’re going to learn more in a few minutes of reading than you will driving for fifteen years. Not only am I going to cover how not to be a complete shit head when behind the wheel, but I’m going to make sure you understand what a huge shit head you are for driving the way you currently do! It’s so simple, that a 16 year old girl with a learner’s permit, who already drives better than you do, will be an expert driver in no time.
1. The Gas Pedal
I was going to start this off with “A Green Light Means Go”, but for the sheer fact that most of you don’t even remember where the gas pedal is I can’t help but start if off with this. I’m sure there are people out there that claim they realize this, as it has always been the pedal furthest to the right, even in right side drive cars, it seems you have actually forgotten which pedal makes the car accelerate.
While someone who might actually care about you might stare at you lovingly across the middle console and give you big, twinkling, puppy-dog eyes while stating, “Oh, sweetie, it’s alright. We all make mistakes, after all. Your foot must of slipped. Go ahead and accelerate through the light!”, I will not. I am not going to sugar coat any of this for you dumb asses. They may be worried about hurting your feelings, but I am completely unattached and don’t give a damn about you. Unless you plow into my car, that is.
Let me not forget to mention that over time, even those who claim to care about your worthless existence are going to turn on you soon, too. Rest assured that soft talk will quickly turn into, “What are you doing?! The god damn gas pedal is the same fucking place since the invention of the automobile: ON THE RIGHT! NOW GO!”
To make your vehicle accelerate, you vary pressure on the gas pedal. Again, it’s the pedal to the furthest right. You do know which direction is right…right? Hold up your right hand. Yep, that direction (This, too, will discussed later). The more you press down on the gas pedal, the faster the car will accelerate. If you continue to press down on the gas pedal, your car will continue to accelerate at a constant or more rapid pace as it gains speed. This is extremely important when you need to continue through a green light, get on the freeway, keep up with traffic, or simply reach the speed limit (All these, too, will be discussed later). When you take your foot off the gas pedal, your speed will continue to decrease and should you press on the brake pedal, which you seem to be completely familiar with, you can come to a full and complete stop.
Once you have grasped the full understanding of the function of the gas pedal versus the brake pedal, you can continue on. Please do not continue on until your do understand, or you will be confused and very lost as we explore the other concepts of driving.
2. A Green Light Means Go
The most important color of all the lights in a traffic control device is Green. When the light is anything except for Red, it means you can proceed in the chosen direction. When you see the light as being Green, then you must either continue to press the gas pedal to proceed in your chosen direction, ease your pressure on the gas pedal to make your turn, or press on the gas pedal to accelerate from a stop.
Sometimes the light is “funny” and is a Yellow color. Don’t worry! Yellow is only an indication that the light will soon change to Red and serves as a warning only. If you are about to enter into the intersection or make a turn when the light is Green and it turns to Yellow, do not press on the brake pedal in an attempt to stop! This will cause a traffic collision. Simply continue to proceed through your chosen direction of travel.
Other times when a Green light can seem “funny” is when it is an arrow instead of a solid circle. Don’t panic at all, please. This simply means you can turn in the direction of the arrow when the light is Green without having to worry about other vehicles coming at you full force. Just be sure you’re checking to make sure the arrows are Green, because they function the same way as a regular traffic control device with three colored circles: Red on top, Yellow in the middle, and Green on the bottom.
Should you find yourself stopped when the light is Red, the moment the light turns Green, you must immediately accelerate in your chosen direction. The Green light is not a warning or a suggestion like the Yellow light. A Green light means you are to proceed immediately. You are not to sit and ponder the meaning of the light or be distracted by the vast empty thoughts of your hollowed head. Green will always, always, always, always mean you must go. Red always means stop. Yellow always means Red is coming and serves as a warning. Again, Green always means go.
3. Lane Positioning
On the road there are sections marked by different colored lines. Usually, these are white. These white lines indicate “Lanes”. You must drive your vehicle within the confines of these Lanes unless merging (This will be discussed later). You may use the entire lane you have chosen to drive in, but you must not move into the adjacent lanes when attempting to drive in a straight path.
By not driving in your own lane, you are being greedy. Mostly, though, you are being a huge ass munch who shouldn’t be on the road. There are ways of making sure people are not going to keep passing you (This will be discussed later), but this isn’t one of them.
Your lane position is almost as important as accelerating at a green light. By keeping inside the lines of your lane, you ensure you will not strike another vehicle to your side with your vehicle. This also allows motorcycles to “lane split” when it is safe and legal to do so. Motorcycles are like cars, only they only have two wheels, are much quicker to accelerate, are louder, use less gas and therefore better for the environment, and take up less space. Trust me, you’ll encounter them, so be on the look out for them (This will be discussed later).
Another very important reason to keep within the confines of your lane is you don’t want to get pulled over by law enforcement. This is going to add time to your trip you didn’t count on and cost you extra money. With the shitty way you drive, you’re attracting enough attention already, so stay inside those god damn lines!
4. Using your Indicator/Turn Signal
I have to list this here instead of “Lane Changes and Merging on the Freeway/Expressway” because, like the Gas Pedal, you idiots don’t know how to use your Indicator/Turn Signal. Also, from here on out, “Indicator” will be used to represent the term “Turn Signal” as well. In other words, it’s the same god damn thing, okay?
Your Indicator is what you use in order to indicate (what a concept!) what your intended change in direction is going to be. This enables other drivers to anticipate your next move and act accordingly.
If you’re Asian, then you’re probably extremely confused as to what I’m talking about right now. Sure you’re smart with the numbers and making cell phones smaller, but for some reason you can’t comprehend the concept of the Indicator. It’s usually located on the left side of the steering wheel and is operated via a lever. Push the lever up and you signal that you want to move to the right. Pull the lever down and you signal that you want to move left.
One way of figuring out when the appropriate time to use your Indicator is the following:
1. You wish to merge to the left/right lane
2. You wish to make a left/right turn
If you wish to do any of the previous listed actions, then you must use your Indicator. When should you activate your Indicator when wishing to enact those actions? A general rule is if you are going 40MPH/64.36KPH (← for you metric fucks) or slower then you should activate your Indicator at least 100 feet prior to your chosen action. If you are going If you are going 41MPH/65.6KPH or faster, then you should activate your Indicator at least 200 feet prior to your chosen action.
5. Paying Attention
Yep, you need to learn how to be aware of your surroundings. There are many things that you need to be aware of:
1. Your Speed in Relation to the Speed Limit
2. Your Lane Positioning
3. Lane Positioning of Other Drivers
4. What Direction You Wish to Travel
5. Your Location in Relation to Where You’re Going
The first thing you’re going to learn here is how to pay attention to the speed limit. You finally have a firm understanding of the Gas Pedal, and if you don’t then you need to go back and keep reading that section, so understanding the speed limit should be much easier now. Though, I do tend to give you morons too much credit…
Speed limit signs tend to be white with black lettering. Speed limits are not suggestions. Speed limits are the law. If the speed limit is 65MPH/104KPH, then you must travel at least 65MPH/104KPH! You are not to drive 55MPH/88KPH in order to stay within the law. As a matter of fact, if you do drive slower than the speed limit, you are actually breaking another law, and said law is “Impeding the Flow of Traffic”. So, just go the speed limit.
How do you know if you’re doing the speed limit? Well, when you look down at your dashboard and behind your steering wheel, there is a cluster of gauges. This tells you if you need gas, how fast you are traveling, and many other important pieces of information. This is usually the absolute easiest way to tell if you are going the speed limit. If the sign says 65MPH/104KPH and the gauge with numbers in marks of ten has a needle pointing at 65MPH/104KPH, then you’re going the speed limit: Congratulations! If it is anything lower, then speed up. If it is five miles an hour faster, then you are still okay, and said speed is actually the preferred pace of travel you should aim for. However, five miles an hour slower is never to be allowed. The other way of figuring out if you are going the speed limit is to check the pace of travel with the other cars. If every other god damn fucking car is passing you constantly, then you need to speed the fuck up! At no point should every vehicle on the highway be passing you! If this is happening, then you are not going fast enough! This is the best way to keep everyone from passing you. Now you don’t have to straddle two lanes, you fucking mook!
In the same vain as making sure that you are following the speed limit, there is no day the law says you must travel at no faster than 25MPH/40KPH on the side streets and no faster than 45MPH/72KPH on the highway. No, not even on Sunday does the speed limit drop lower than the posted sign limits. The cops aren’t trying to trick you with the signs only to pull you over when you are following the speed limit instead of only doing 25MPH/40KPH.
If you aren’t used to driving, then the last thin you should be doing is talking on a cell phone, changing the radio, or drinking coffee. Just wait until you can actually hold the steering wheel, drive, and think at the same time.
We’ve already discussed Lane Positioning, so I’m not going to put a lot of detail of that all in here. Just make sure you’re in your own lane unless merging or changing lanes and always use your Indicator. Always be aware of other people’s Lane Position as well, that way you won’t strike their vehicle with yours.
If you know that you need to travel in a straight line, then for god’s sake, travel in a straight line! There is no reason to constantly switch lanes, especially when you’re going the speed limit. If you know that you are going to need to turn right, get in to the furthest right lane as soon as possible! One of the biggest mistakes you will make is when you are in the far left lane and need to make a right turn, and try to speed up to pass the other cars to get to the right turn…or vice versa. Think about things for a moment…if you need to make a turn which is coming up quickly and you try to speed up in order to get in front of the car to your side, how easy will it be for you to get to that turn? Yeah, not very, dumb shit. Congratulations, you’ve just got one point in for reasoning. Don’t get cocky, though, you’re still an idiot, which is why I’m trying to help you. What you need to do is actually slow down in order to allow the other vehicle to get in front of you, then merge into the lane…of course while using your Indicator!
Knowing ahead of time which direction you wish to travel is incredibly important. Road signs give a perfect explanation of what the roads are called so you can anticipate which direction you will need to go.
I explained what a motorcycle is, so here’s a picture. Also depicted is a rather typical motorcycle rider. Why is this important? Because he will drag you out of your car, beat you, make you impale yourself with your own head and then give you a “shit on the chest bonus”, followed by lighting your car on fire, raping your cat, skinning your dog, and then chopping the rest of your family into little pieces which he will feed to your grandmother as a stew. Don’t fuck with the motorcycle driver. Watch out for motorcycles.
There’s a really good reason motorcycles have loud pipes: You’re a fucking twat who can barely tell when there is another car present, so the loud noise serves as a warning to even your retarded self. Motorcycles also travel with their head lamps on all the time and most of them flicker a little just to add more attention so you know they are there. Remember, motorcycles are more fuel efficient and take up less space than your vehicle, and so are better for the environment meaning you should show as much respect to them as possible…and there’s always the fact the rider will probably kill you if you fuck with them. Motorcyclists also tend to be more proud of this country than you are and do more to show their pride. I’m getting a little side tracked with this, so we’ll move on.
6. Lane Changes and Merging on the Freeway/Expressway
Now things are about to get a little more complicated, aren’t they? Shut up. That was a rhetorical question. This has a direct connection with having to using your indicator and pay attention which is why those were listed before this.
Not only must you be aware of your own lane position, but the position of all the other vehicles as well. I listed why in the previous section, so if you don’t understand it, then go back and read this all over again from the very top.
To change lanes, you must use several of your senses: Sight, Hearing…okay, only two. There are some things you must do in order to actually change lanes. First you must activate your Indicator. Second, you must look in your rear view mirror. Third, you must check the mirror on the side of the vehicle in which the lane you wish to change in to is on. Finally, you must turn your head to the side in order to ensure there is no one you could not previously see in the mirrors. After the correct amount of distance with your Indicator active (this was discussed earlier) and it is both safe and prudent to do so, then you can move your vehicle in to the desired lane.
Sure it seems like there are a lot of steps you must take in order to change lanes, but this will keep you safe and from being a huge fucking idiot on the road. Changing lanes is important to get where you’re going, so the more skill you have at it, the faster, easier, and safer you will be at doing it. If you can master changing lanes, then you can begin to effectively merge onto the freeways/expressways. Merging onto the freeway/expressway is a little more difficult, as there is an added rule you must learn, but don’t freak out too much. You’re here to learn after all.
Absolutely the most important thing to remember when merging onto the freeway/expressway is this:
If you ain’t on the freeway/expressway, you ain’t shit!
People on the freeway/expressway have the right away and it is your responsibility to get on safely. They do not have to do shit for you. The drivers on the freeway/expressway do not have to merge over into an adjacent lane to allow you safe passage. They drivers on the freeway/expressway do not have to slam on their brakes in order to allow you to merge onto the freeway/expressway.
You must not only do everything listed when changing lanes and where the gas pedal is located, but you must also adjust your speed in order to be fast enough to be on the freeway/expressway, and also time your entry so that you can actually get onto the freeway/expressway in a manner which does not put those already doing the speed limit or faster at risk. If someone is being kind enough to slow down for you, then get the fuck up to speed as quickly as possible. This ties back in to following the speed limit. See how everything is connected?
The freeway/expressway is not for the faint of heart. If you have a problem with speeds above 45MPH/72KPH then stay off the freeways/expressways. Most freeways/expressways are set to have a speed at minimum of 55MPH/88KPH and many have speeds up to 80MPH/128KPH. If you aren’t doing at least those speeds while you are on it, then get off. You must be both a defensive and offensive driver on the freeway/expressway, so if you think that it’s nothing but a bunch of “Thunder Dome mental psychos”, then just stay the fuck off of it, okay?
7. Knowing Left and Right…
You’re probably thinking that I’m being faseshious, but really, so many of you people don’t know how to turn left or right. Regardless of where you are facing, regardless of the direction in which you are traveling is, left is always left, right is always right. You don’t need to know if you are fucking turning North, East, South, or West. Just turn to the god damn, mother fucking left or right.
If you are told to exit the freeway/expressway at Church Street and turn left, does it really matter if that is fucking South or West or what-the-fuck-ever? No! It means turn fucking left! For some reason every child, except for the one with the football helmet and water wings, in kindergarten can tell you which is left and right, but the moment you jack-offs get a driver’s license, you can’t navigate with Left and Right as directions.
If you are facing North and raise your left hand, then that is left, but if you are facing South and raise your left hand…then that is still left. Same goes for Right. Nothing in the history of man has changed the direction of Left and Right, not even the invention of the automobile. If someone gives you directions and tells you to turn left or right, just raise your left or right hand and you’ll know which direction to go. It’s not a complicated concept. Hell, it’s the easiest of everything on here for god’s sake.
Well, congratulations! You’ve made it through the basics section! You may not be a great driver, but at least now you know and understand the basic principles of driving. Practice makes perfect. I know it is scary out there in the world away from your couch, but you obviously have to drive places every so often or feel the need to drive some place at least one day a week. The more you drive, the better you will be. The better you are, the more you will see what a fucking retard you were before all the practice and reading this entry. Now get out there and actually drive!
Posted 2/11/2011 at 5:16 PM on Xanga