There are quite a few times when you should consult your doctor. For instance, you should probably consult your doctor if it looks like the Fortress of Solitude is growing on your shaft. That’s probably herpes. Another time you should consult your doctor is if after taking a long fall your foot is spun backwards. You probably bruised your ankle.
Now doctors want us to consult them for other reasons. One of those reasons is consulting them to make sure it’s “okay” for you to have sexual activity. Yes, seriously. As if doctors weren’t getting people into their offices to pay for their boats often enough. You mostly hear the comment that you should seek out your doctor before engaging in sex for commercials trying to sell you hard-on pills. If you have to take woody tablets, then “risking” sex is the least of your problems.
Let’s face it, going to the doctor and telling them that you can’t get a boner seeing a hot naked chick is embarrassing enough. Oh, and yes, I’m going to keep referring to men looking at hot women and not another guy. I’m not a fudge packer and as such, will not acknowledge any such talk…except for the last acknowledgment. You know what? Screw you. We date…We’re straight…Get used to it!!!
How embarrassing would it be to tell the doctor that you can’t get it up and the he tells you, “Well, I don’t think you should be having sex anyway.” At that point, the doctor is basically saying you should stay neutered. Personally, I’d be pissed. I mean, you’re there trying to get help so you can bang your girlfriend and your doctor is cock blocking you. That’s the ultimate dick move right there. See what I did there?
This is the scenario that they want you to think is going to happen:
You’re at a strip club with your buddies and you have a gut full of the new rigid rod poppers called “Raging Bull” so you can let the stripper know that you appreciate what she’s doing for you. In your pocket is forty bucks. Forty bucks? Hell yes! You’re not going to give any singles to your buddies, either. You didn’t bust your ass for twenty hours a week for nothing. That money is for your twenty dollar entry fee and some stripper’s g-string. The music is thumping, your hips are already starting to hump back and forth, and that’s when you see her: Daisy Passionmeadow! She has huge titties, wide hips, long legs, and the hair/eye color of the your own choosing in this fantasy write up. Daisy Passionmeadow comes walking over to you, puts a leg up on your chair and whispers, “Want a lap dance, handsome?” You nod encouragingly, waving a fan of money at her and tell her to get to work. As she’s working her ass around to your crotch, you get a feeling…not in your groin but down your left arm and suddenly, this happens:
Your ribcage explodes! Oh, if only you had consulted a doctor to make sure that you were healthy enough for sexual activity!!!
Well, obviously that’s not going to happen. Also, what kind of sexual activity are they talking about exactly? I mean, a hand job is different from hang banging…and I love me a good hang banging, I don’t know about you.
What if you’re some kind of fur fag into yiffing? I can only imagine what kind of conversation that is going to be with your doctor:
“Hey, doc, there is one other thing.” – You
“What is it Jim?” – Doctor (for some reason, you and your doctor are great friends and he is on a first name basis with you…oh, and your name is Jim)
“Well, doc, I’m having trouble getting a stiffy.” – You
“That’s not as uncommon for men to experience as you might think.” – Doctor
“Really?! Even for you?” – You
“No. Not me. I’m a man’s man. For you lesser mortals, however, there are things that can be done. I’ll write you a prescription.” – Doctor
“Thank you, doc!” – You
“Whoa, hold on there, Jim-bo! We gotta make sure you’re healthy enough for sexual activity!” – Doctor
“Well…okay, but is it safe for my kind of sexual activity?” – You
“…excuse me?” – Doctor
“Well, I’m a furry and I’ve never known an animal to have problems with getting in on due to health.” – You
“I’m going to refer you over to a psychiatrist and, no, we’re going to fucking neuter you right now.” – Doctor.
Now, as someone who isn’t into bestiality, I can’t exactly say that I know that conversation would be awkward, but if someone was having that conversation with me, I can say that I know it would be awkward from the doctor’s perspective.
What if you’re just out to donkey punch someone? That can’t be all that dangerous for the giver, right? I mean, you can have her do all the work, like you’re supposed to, and then just slug her in the back of the head when the time is right. Or what about a dirty Sanchez? Not a lot that can go wrong with that, unless you’re digging really deep to get a good ‘stache drawn. I wouldn’t talk to your doctor if it’s okay for you to go raping, also.
So, in the end, no thank you doctors. If I can’t get it up and it’s been a while, the last thing I’m going to do is consult you about giving me permission to have sex. It’s my choice, not yours. Going out of this life while banging some hot babe is just the way I always planned it. I want to die like I was born: Naked, screaming, soaked, and between some chick’s legs.
It’s not homosexuality, it’s masturbation!
Posted 4/11/2010 at 10:58 PM on Xanga