The Twilight Saga as I understand it

Long, long ago, in a galaxy far, far similar to ours…


From Left to Right: Cuntbag1, Douchebag1, Cuntbag2, Douchebag2, Cuntbag3, Cuntbag4 (Or is that a Douchebag3???)

So, it started way back in time.  Probably around the time Marky Mark still had a funky bunch.  There were a bunch of effeminate looking pussies sitting around the camp fire when they decided to group up and drink blood in order to freak out the tougher dudes.  They eventually became addicted to the blood and were forced to keep drinking it because they couldn’t stomach real food.

Now, in addition to all of this, their bodies began to change beyond the “I need blood” thing.  Lucky for them, it fit in with their self proclaimed Asperger lifestyles. They developed the ability to run really fast due to their fear of everyone else teasing them.  They got the ability to sparkle in the sun, because as pedophiles, that would help to attract little girls and jail bait to them like flies to honey.  After all, teenage girls and kids love sparkling things, and when your entire body glitters, any 14 to 16 year old is going to be all over it.

A few hundred years later, in order to show how stupid the new “vampire group” was, a bunch of romantics who wanted to be cynics, also known as the guys and girls who are moderately attractive and not cool enough to get along with the cool kids and hate the unpopular kids as much as they hate the cool kids, decided to dress up in animal clothing.  This is the first recorded instance of the furries as well.  These people would put on their animal skins while running around like retards, attacking the vampire groups because they were slightly physically stronger than the weaklings who drank blood.  This started a war, not unlike the Bloods against the Crips, but much, much stupider, if that’s at all possible, and without the drug trafficking battles.

In order to be more effective, both groups began to form their own groups within the groups, calling themselves clanners, or clanninites, or clam-bangers…I don’t remember, I didn’t pay much attention to the books or movie.  The vampire group decided they needed to have their own “council of lawyers”…or was it council of laws…again, I don’t quite remember.  This group sat around and pretended to enforce laws they believed would make them even more organized, and thus cooler, than the now known as lycans group.  They called it the Volturi.  As it turns out, the lycans group wouldn’t put up with that and formed packs, like real animals in the wild, and would make truces with each other in order to beat up the vampire group.

Well, along came a wizard and cast a magic spell on both groups.  Why did the wizard put a spell on them?  One of the battles was so retardedly epic, that they made him spill a cup of hot chocolate or something like that and destroyed his house.  Now both groups were forced to always fight and be douchebags to not only each other, but the general populace as well.  Also, the vampires would live a long time and the lycans had to live in dog years.

You’d think that the vampires would like this due to their pedophile tendencies, seeing as that a 21 year old female lycan would actually only be 3 years old, but that isn’t the case.  Turns out, because of the wizard spell, the vampires all got special powers…beyond having the jail bait lure of sparkling skin…kind of like the Uncanny X-Men.  With this unforeseen (or was it?!) benefit, the vampires decided to use it against people, use it to attract more underage girls and fight the lycans.  The lycans decided that they were going to use their quick aging to rob the grave, as it were, and bang GmILFs.

This day in age, there is a girl named Bell…I mean Bella.  She is sixteen years old.  She lived in Arizona, where they make some bomb ass iced tea and bottle it, but her father wants her to move to Washington State, America, because he becomes the chief of police.  The small town has around fifty people or the like, so why they have their own police department is beyond me, unlike the understanding of this series.

Even though Bella is from Arizona, she is almost as pale as the vampires, which turns out later to be something that doesn’t matter, since the vampires only care about age and not looks.  Again, this is a good thing because Bella is about as attractive as any Arizona 6 on a 10 scale can be.  That’s to say she isn’t ugly, but she isn’t quite that so adorably cute girl-next-door, either.  You’d nail her because she was drunk at a party and you had about four to six beers yourself and she’s willing.

In the same state and small town that Bella moves to, a group of vampires who don’t want to actually act like vampires.  Well, except for the entire pedophile thing.  I mean, the damn vampires are hundreds of years old and they are nailing teenagers…come on…  Anyway, that group hate that they are vampires, but love getting the illegal tail, so they keep doing it.

The head vampire in that group is Jacob, or Edward…or Dutch van der Linde…  To be honest, all the vampries look like pale women, except for one black dude.  I tell you how he got his position as a vampire: Affirmative Action.  What is important is that they live in Washington State, America, because it hardly ever has a lot of sunshine there.  Why they didn’t chose Alaska with over 30 days of night is beyond me.

After a while, Bella finds out that Edward/Jacob/Dutch is a vampire and acts like it’s not a big deal.  That’s all thanks to him showing her that he glitters in the sunlight, like a Hello Kitty Internet greeting card.  They date for a while, never really do anything, and Edward/Jacob/Dutch leaves.  Bella is so distraught that she does the same thing Lois Lane did when Superman left: She found someone within the week to screw around with.

Bella sure knows how to pick the psycho freaks, because it turns out that Jacob/Dutch/Edward…again, I couldn’t really tell which one was which…is a werewolf.  Yes, that’s right!  Uh oh!  Bella is not only now the pedophile (the werewolf dude is on dog years, remember, and looks about her age), but she is dating the enemy of Edward/Jacob/Dutch.  Well, they are enemies because of the whole dog versus blood drinker thing.

The girl in our story has gone from fang banging to bestiality as well.  However, it’s not all that good, because Edward/Jacob/Dutch has come back, because his “spider sense” is tinging that she is dating someone else.  Now that Edward/Jacob/Dutch is back, Bella realizes she can only be around him, and not Jacob/Dutch/Edward.  Why?  Because the fucker glitters in the sun!  Duh.

Well, a massive love triangle is formed, but not really.  You see, since Bella is in to Edward/Jacob/Dutch and not Jacob/Dutch/Edward, it’s really just a couple and one dude who won’t get the hint and try banging someone else.  Jacob/Dutch/Edward is kind of like that one guy who always wants to buy you coffee and take you out “As just friends, I promise!”

Dark things happen…and I don’t mean the combination of necrophilia and pedophilia.  No, some vampire who wants Edward/Jacob/Dutch to have sex with her…or wants him dead…who’s named Vicky…no wait, Victoria…decides that she is going to create new vampires and hunt both Edward/Jacob/Dutch and Bella down.

Bella, like any teenager and woman, keeps bitching at Edward/Jacob/Dutch to turn her into a vampire, but he won’t.  Why would he want her to stick around when he can keep getting jail bait ass when she gets older?  So, Bella decides that she could be like the lycans and tells Jacob/Dutch/Edward to turn her into a werewolf instead.  This creates a lot of tension, because Edward/Jacob/Dutch wouldn’t want to be a fur fag, just a pedophile.  Jacob/Dutch/Edward doesn’t really want to do a dog, so he teaches her lessons by making her almost freeze to death and almost cutting off her own hand.  She eventually realizes that it’s a bad idea and stops her bitching.

Well, Victoria launches an attack against them, and both the lycans and the vampires team up.  At least now the werewolves can kill some of the vampires, or die trying.  Turns out they do a lot of dying, and Victoria, while not victorious (HA!), is shunned away and brought to vampire justice.

All in all, Bella and Edward/Jacob/Dutch realize that they can’t be together anymore and they split up.  No, she doesn’t go to Jacob/Dutch/Edward, either.  She does the normal teenager thing and cries herself to sleep and dies…or am I thinking of a different ending to a different story?

It doesn’t matter.  None of this matters.  What does matter is that you now have as much understanding of the series as I do and as much as you should ever care to.  Hell, it’s probably even more than you should care to.

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Posted 7/8/2010 at 5:15 PM on Xanga

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