Memes and fads can blow me

Let’s start by saying it again…trends and fads can blow me.

No matter how many triangles you make, no matter how much you use your Helvetica font, you’re not going to be original or cool. Crocs are a terrible fashion statement. No matter how many times you mention mudkips and counter with charizard will make you anything more than a god damn tool.

Trends don’t stick around because they are terrible to begin with. When was the last time you saw a large group of people wearing “jellies”? How many of you out there even know what I’m referring to? Yeah, that’s what I figured.The people who tend to follow these trends are about as worthless as the trends they follow. Generally the people in question are douche bags. Below is Figure A2:

Figure A2: Douchebag

Yes…tipping a plain white hat, popping a color on a pink shirt because you’re “strong enough as a man to do it” while living the “Live Strong” lifestyle thanks to a bracelet you bought at the local gas station is so damn awesome. Oh, don’t forget the “I’m just a normal guy looking cool for the camera who happens to live in his Mother’s basement” fake ass smile. I mean, how else are you supposed to look like a cutout from Beverly Hills 90210 without even understanding where the look comes from otherwise?

Hey, while you’re at it, why don’t you spread around the viral video that everyone else has known about for the last four months to all of your friends? I mean, a dancing coyote is the definition of “epic”. Using the term “epic” is also something you just picked up, because you saw it all over the Internet, and thought, “Hell, better get in on that!”

Hell…don’t stop there…better make an “I Hate!!!” video before people think that you’re behind the trends. Besides, those videos make you cool because that way, everyone can know what you’re against. Letting people know where you stand is dangerous. Stating what you’re against is so much safer. That way only the other haters who can’t think for themselves will go against you. On second thought, just disable all the comments so that no one can call you out. That’ll show them!

I remember when the whole Uggs boots thing went explosive. Now, before you think that I’m going to bash on Uggs, I’m not. They are like putting your foot inside of a sheep…and who can possibly find something wrong with that? No, I love Uggs. I had a pair of Uggs before they were worn by the Eski-hoes and I still have them. What was supposed to be a very comfortable lounging footwear became worn by every skank in the country. Suddenly, these sperm receptacles decided that wearing Uggs boots in the middle of September…in Southern California…with a pair of Daisey Duke shorts (most of you probably don’t even know where that term comes from) and a pink tank-top (you probably don’t know why it’s called that, either), was a fashion that must be shared with the world. I’m not going to go into a rant about women looks that disgust me since that’s been done…by me.

When “new trends”come out, it tends to spread like SARS in a Japanese high rise. The problem is, there’s usually nothing that can be done about it. You can always spot them, too. We all knew that the Budewiser “WAZUUUUUUUP!” advertising campaign was going to become an annoying fad that every dumbass was going to immediately start mimicking. The entire “Rick Roll” didn’t die off soon enough, and there are still morons out there who think it’s the funniest thing in the world and continue to do it.

Some trends stick around because they were actually worthwhile even at the time…these are the very rare exception. For instance, the first caveman to wear a loin cloth was probably laughed at by a vast majority while a few followed because it “looked neat”. When he was out hunting a sabre-toothed tiger and didn’t get his caveman junk caught up in some thorns like his buddies did, they realized that it was something they should do as well. Hell, even Moses was laughed at about his boat and rain. Look how that shit turned out. We still build big ass boats to this day to protect us from rain…wait…is that right? Anyway…

The worst of the worst, however, is not the trends themselves, but the “trend setters”. These scum of the scum that the other scum wouldn’t attach to feel that the way they do things should be mirrored by everyone else. There are people out there that even do everything in their power to start a trend. It’s like their life’s work. These people are the scum on the bottom of the scum that the other scum wouldn’t attach to.

I’m not referring to the people who accidentally start trends and fads. What I’m referring to is that person who, you probably know, goes out of their way to either wear or say something really stupid in order for it to catch on. Much like the stupid skank on MySpace who started the ripped clothing look, these people will put on a hat that looks like a pear all the time or say a new made up word, like “Skundidy!” What the hell it means, who the hell knows, but they will be the person who started it, and that means something to them.

Thankfully, most trends and fads die off before they can even get caught on because they are so terrible, that even most of the sheep out there in the world recognize the danger of it. Remember, “Stop…ALADDIN TIME!”? Exactly.

So, in the future, remember to jab a fork in the eye of the person following a really stupid trend or fad. If they are trying to start one, then jab them in the face with a rake and claw down as hard as you can. That’s a trend I think we can all agree with and get behind.

Posted 7/8/2010 at 4:33 AM on Xanga