Sultons of Sex with Osh and Gosh

—The following is a partial transcript from the Sultans of Sex with Osh and Gosh radio show–

*technical difficulties resulted in a minute and a half of dead air*

Gosh:
…and so I pulled out as quickly as I could, which resulted in me slapping her in the face with my wet wang!  Sorry, caller, what was the question again?

Dr. Modjucawk:
I’m pretty sure it was, “Hey, Osh and Gosh!  I love the show!”

Gosh:
Oh, my mistake.  Next caller.  What’s your name and question?

Osh:
Actually, it’s Susan from Denver, Colorado, with a question about her boyfriend.

Dr. Modjucawk:
Hey, Susan.  Go ahead with your question.  We’re all here to help you.

Susan:
Hey, guys, I love the show.  It’s great to be talking to Dr. Modjucawk as well.

Dr. Modjucawk:
Why thank you, Susan.  I’m always glad to hear from a fan.

Osh:
You’re just glad someone is kissing your butt for a change.

Gosh:
Yeah, yeah, yeah, Osh is actually right for once!

*Susan can be heard laughing over the phone*

Dr. Modjucawk:
You guys are the ones always referencing me.  Who’s got the love affair here, me with myself, or you guys with me?

Gosh:
Well, you do have a firmly shaped ass.

*Susan laughs harder in the background*

Susan:
Okay, well seriously, guys.  I’ve been noticing my boyfriend has been having problems getting…well…you know…

Osh:
No…

Susan:
…hard and staying hard.  I was wondering…you know…

Osh:
No…

Dr. Modjucawk:
Shhh!

Susan:
…if I should get him a sample pack of Viagra or something or like…if there’s something he can eat for his diet to help, what?

Gosh:
Tell him to eat some vagina.  He IS a vagitarian, right?

Osh:
I don’t know about you, but I’d be in up to the back of my nose.  It’s just how I do it.

*Susan can be heard laughing over the phone*

Dr. Modjucawk:
Come on, guys.  She’s asking a real question here.  She’s obviously upset about this.  Am I right, Susan?

Susan:
Yeah, it’s starting to put a strain on our relationship.  I mean…I don’t know if he’s cheating on me, or what…

Gosh:
Okay, let’s start off simple.  What do you look like?

Susan:
Well…I’m kind of short.  Brown eyes and blond hair.

*a moment of silence*

Osh:
So your man has a midget fetish…

Dr. Modjucawk:
You guys can be real morons, you know that?  That’s a SERIOUS problem, regardless!

Susan:
Hey, I am NOT a midget!  He has joked about me looking like a dwarf, though…

Osh:
She’s the lost eighth dwarf, Slutty!  Oh, and I’m NOT a moron.

Gosh:
You guys are missing the biggest point here.

Dr. Modjucawk and Osh:
What’s that?

Gosh:
Susan, how much do you weigh?

Susan:
…excuse me?

Osh:
That IS a good question!

Dr. Modjucawk:
Uh, why is that a good question?

Gosh:
Let’s face it.  If she was that hot, he wouldn’t get bored and have a hard time keeping it up.  If I was going home every night to Summer Glau I can promise you that I would never have problems keeping it up.  I’d get hard no matter what.

Dr. Modjucawk:
Okay, Susan?  Just answer the question.

Susan:
Well…I think that I’m attractive.

Osh:
It doesn’t matter what YOU think.  How much of a fat pig are you?

Susan:
SCREW YOU!

*caller hangs up*

Osh:
And with that call, the ED girls are going to kill us!  By eating us.

Gosh:
Her, buh-buh-buh butter face!  A perfect ten, from her feet to her chin!

Dr. Modjucawk:
Wow…you guys are insensitive.  Well, to answer her question very late, she should probably buy him some porn, and if he still has the problem, then get him something like Viagra.

Osh:
Okay, next caller is Tony from San Diego, California.  Tony, man!  You’re twenty seven.  What’s going on?

Tony:
Uh hi, guys.  Name’s Tony.

Dr. Modjucawk:
Yes, we know that.

Tony:
Yeah, well, I was wondering about…well…ahem…ass to mouth.

Osh:
Tony, man!  Didn’t you ever see Clerks Two?!

Osh, Gosh, and Dr. Modjucawk:
You NEVER go ass to mouth!

Tony:
Well, um, what if it’s MY mouth?

Gosh:
Then your problem, sir, is that you’re just flat out gay.

Tony:
Huh?  That’s a problem HOW?  What the *censor beep*?!

Osh:
You obviously like catching, right?!  Seems like you’ll catch anything!

Tony:
I don’t see what ANY of that has to do with…

Dr. Modjucawk:
Okay, okay, okay!  Everyone settle down right now!  First off, please watch your language, we can’t have that kind of talk on the radio.  So, your question has to do with ass to YOUR mouth, right?

Gosh:
*whispering into his mic*  Yeah, I’d go ass to mouth with him.

Osh:
*whispering into his mic*  See?!  I KNEW you were gay!

Gosh:
I’m not gay!  I’m more like…tri-sexual or something.

Dr. Modjucawk:
Okay, well, Tony, it’s okay to go that way sometimes…if you really, REALLY love the person…and you’re in a committed relationship…

Gosh:
Committed to being gay.

*a loud thump is heard and Gosh shouts in pain*

Dr. Modjucawk:
As I was saying!

*Gosh can be heard crying in the background about his testicles*

Tony:
Well, thank you, Dr. Modjucawk.  I think I got it…thanks.  You’re a big help.

*caller hangs up*

Dr. Modjucawk:
Okay, guys.  Do you think that we can keep it on track with this next caller?

Osh:
I have no idea what you mean.

Gosh:
I think he means just talk about the caller’s problem *coughs in pain* or something like that.  Hey, doc, speaking of problems…just recently some jack-hole kicked me in the nards and the pain won’t stop.

Dr. Modjucawk:
Sounds like you should stop being a douche nozzle and apply ice.  Gregory, you’re up next with a question about someone you’ve been sleeping with for the past three years.

Gregory:
Well, me and this one chick have been sleeping together for about three years, and oh, did I mention she was my cousin?

Osh:
No, but go on.

Gregory:
That’s it.

Dr. Modjucawk:
What’s it?

Gregory:
Umm…what do you mean?  That’s the entire thing.

Gosh:
What’s the thing?  Your thing or her thing?  I remember one time I thought I had this one thing, but it turned out I didn’t, and it was a totally other thing, which in the end, became a really good thing.

Dr. Modjucawk:
What the…

Gregory:
I don’t think you guys understand what I’m saying.

Osh:
No, of course we don’t.  You need to explain what you’re talking about.

Gregory:
I’m having sex with my cousin!!!!!!

Osh and Gosh:
What?!

*caller is hung up on.  Osh and Gosh can be heard laughing extremely hard*

Dr. Modjucawk:
I’m glad you guys think that’s so funny!

Osh:
Of course we do!

Dr. Modjucawk:
I’m worried that he might get her pregnant.

Gosh:
Yeah, Osh, think of the flipper grand kids!!!

*musical bump featuring “I Sit on Acid” by Lords of Acid for commercial starts*

Dr. Modjucawk:
Well, while my radio friends finish their conniption fits, we’re going to commercial.  We’ll be back soon.

*musical bump continues with Osh and Gosh laughing in the background*

*musical bump featuring “Free Falling” by Tom Petty begins*

Gosh:
…and so I said, “That’s not my foot, mate.  That’s my butthole!”

*Osh, Gosh, and Dr. Modjucawk all can be heard laughing as musical bump fades out*

Osh:
Welcome back to Sultans of Sex on W-ASS, the only FM Talk Radio, 169.9 on your FM Dial!  If you’re just joining us, we do have the great, and the wonderful, Dr. Modjucawk with us!

Dr. Modjucawk:
You’re just sucking up so I won’t leave, aren’t you?

*Dr. Modjucawk starts laughing*

Gosh:
You wish we were sucking.  So, what’s up with this next caller?

Dr. Modjucawk:
Well, we have Taylor on the line with a question about arousal.

Osh:
That gets me aroused just thinking about it.  Go ahead, Taylor.

Taylor:
Hey, guys!

Gosh:
Yeah, Taylor, you sound hot.

Taylor:
Uh…okay, thanks?

Dr. Modjucawk:
Ignore him, sweetheart, go ahead with your question.

Taylor:
Sure…did you call me…never mind.  Well, the thing is that when I get done working out at the gym and I go past the men’s locker room…

Osh:
Gosh’s favorite place.

Gosh:
Shut up, butt nugget!

Taylor:
…and I tend to get…well, I tend to get a little aroused.

Dr. Modjucawk:
Taylor, let me just say, that’s natural.

Taylor:
It…uh…it is?

Dr. Modjucawk:
Well, sure, it says here on my screen that you’re twenty years old.  Most of your hormones are just starting to kick on still.

Taylor:
Oh, I didn’t know that.

Gosh:
Yeah, and I’m sure you must be quite a beautiful woman, so it’s natural for you to see men changing and get aroused.

Osh:
No kidding.  What are they teaching you kids in school these days?  I’m just impressed that at your age you have such a silky, yet baritone voice for a woman.

Taylor:
Wha…no, guys, I’m a man.

Gosh and Osh:
WHAT?!

Osh:
Okay, that’s just nasty.  Next caller!

*caller is hung up on*

Gosh:
You know what?  That show Deadliest Catch has NOTHING on us.  If people want to see crabs, they should check out my…

Osh:
Your mic is on, Gosh…

Gosh:
Uh…

Dr. Modjucawk:
The hell are you talking about?!  Our next caller is from West Virginia.  Go ahead, Bobby.  You’re on Sultans of Sex.

Bobby:
Well, I have more of a medical problem here.

Gosh:
Hey, does it look like…OUCH!

*a loud thump is heard again as Gosh once again cries about his testicles.  Osh can be heard laughing in the background*

Osh:
You go ahead and take this one, doc!

*Osh continues to laugh at Gosh who is moaning loudly in the background*

Dr. Modjucawk:
So, go ahead, Bobby.  You were saying about this growth?

Bobby:
Oh, yeah, right.  So when I look at hot women, like on the Internet, or see them out of my window, I always get kind of a little growth.

Osh:
Hold up one second, Bobby.  How old are you?

Bobby:
Thirty five.

Osh:
Hoo-boy…are you a virgin?

Dr. Modjucawk:
Really, Osh?  I fail to see where this questioning is…

Bobby:
Well, yeah, I’m a virgin.

Osh:
Okay, so STD’s are out.

Dr. Modjucawk:
Wow, I’m impressed Osh.  You said something positive and insightful.  Even if it was obvious.  Bobby?  Where is this growth located?

*Gosh starts coughing in the background and groans something unintelligible*

Bobby:
It’s kind of, well, it’s kind of up front, near my crotchal region.

Osh:
HA! Your where?!

Bobby:
Crotchal region?  I don’t know what else to call it.  Anyways, it kinda pokes from, uh…my fat folds?

*Gosh can be heard standing back up and coughing*

Gosh:
Okay, I gotta ask…Don’t kick me, fart pudding!

*Dr. Modjucawk groans*

Osh:
Yep…on three!  One…two…three!

Osh and Gosh:
How fat ARE YOU?!

Dr. Modjucawk:
Bobby, you do NOT have to answer that!

Osh and Gosh:
Oh yes he does!

Bobby:
Hell, I don’t know.  Regular scales break anyway.

Gosh:
No…*censor beep*ing…way…

Dr. Modjucawk:
Okay, so Bobby…I think that growth is your penis.

Bobby:
Oh, but it’s just like a little nub poking out.  Not a full on penis like I seen in my adult movies!

*Osh and Gosh can be heard laughing in the background*

Dr. Modjucawk:
Bobby, from what I’m understanding, you are morbidly obese.  When people are that overweight, fat folds begin to build up in that area.  What you call your “crotchal region” and *Dr. Modjucawk clears his throat*

Gosh:
Dude, it’s your man shaft.  Your *censor beep*, your *censor beep*, your *censor beep*, and yes, your penis!

Osh:
He’s saying you’re a nasty, fat, hippo who needs to lose weight, lardo!

Bobby:
Where do you get off talking to me like that!

Dr. Modjucawk:
This is going nowhere.  Look, Bobby, the issue here is your weight.  Go on a diet, lose some weight, and you’ll realize that it is, in fact, your penis.

Bobby:
I am NOT going on some nazi food regimen, got it?!  Thank you for the advice, but I’ll just call a real doctor.

*caller hangs up*

Dr. Modjucawk:
Wow…well, I think that’s all we have time for, guys.

*musical bump featuring “Frontier Psychologist” by The Frontiers begins to play*

Osh:
Yeah, we’re out of time tonight.  I’ll be Osh!

Gosh:
I’ll be Gosh!

Dr. Modjucawk:
And I’ll be getting the hell out of here.

*musical bump continues and is joined by the sound of fighting, chairs crashing, and glass breaking*

———————
Posted 2/7/2010 at 1:7 AM on Xanga
Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s