Who I will donkey punch and why

I’m a man.  As a man I have certain needs and desires.  Some of those desires are going to be spelled out here.  Namely, five chicks who I would gladly donkey punch and why.  These are in no particular order as well.

1. Melissa Arnot
Not the most well known of people, but Melissa Arnot is hot.  As such, I would gladly donkey punch her repeatedly.What makes her so hot and donkey punch compatible for me?  First off, she obviously takes care of herself.  She’s skilled in remote mountain rescue and climbs high ass mountains with the best of the men out there.Secondly, she’s short, which makes her the perfect size for a straight blow to the back of the head when being nailed from behind.  There is no over reaching at all, just a straight up power jab.

Lastly, she’s hot.  Enough said.  I would gladly donkey punch her up on Mount Everest.

2. Eliza Dushku
She is so god damn fine and so near perfect, it’s like you almost HAVE TO donkey punch her.Let’s face it, the chick could probably kick my ass, but come on…I’d let her.  Something tells me she’d like a little bit of the “abuse” anyway.  Like she’d find it more exciting and would even demand the treatment.Actually, she’d probably be the one doing the donkey punching.  I don’t mean that as an insult, mind you.  No, she’s so toned and bad ass that she’d take one good blow to the back of the head and feel the need to retaliate just to let you know what’s happening is real.  You know, just to make a believer out of you.

Let’s face it, most of you women out there would donkey punch Eliza Dushku, too.   Not because you’re jealous, but because she’s that hot.  No, what am I saying…you want her to donkey punch YOU.  I’m all for this and demand pictures of it.  I’d gladly supply the film, the digital camera, and the video camera as well.  I mean, why wouldn’t I?  I’d be doing it for myself!

3. Elyse Levesque
Every night that I got home, I’d ruin this.  She’s got that girl next door look while at the same time daring you to donkey punch her at your own risk.  It’s almost as if you don’t want to donkey punch her because of what she might do to you.  Not in the same way that Eliza Dushku would retaliate, but in almost a scary way.So, what makes her so donkey punch compatible?  Well, like I said, besides the entire girl next door look which can drive a guy crazy, it’s the entire hot factor of her staring in the excellent nerd show of awesome epicness, Stargate Universe.  The show is awesome and her character in it is cool.  Sure she might not add much other than sex appeal to the show, but every show needs a character like that.

Honestly, I’d donkey punch her repeatedly just to see what she’d do back.  What would it be?  Hell if I know, but I’d let her do it…except kick me in the sack.  Not that she would after experiencing my almighty crotch.  No, she’d be too well and happy with it, so she’d probably just let me keep donkey punching her.  And I would.

4. Felicia Day
I have a thing for red heads, it’s true.  That being said, Felicia Day is just hot as hell regardless if you normally like red heads or not.Don’t know who she is?  Well, you might recognize her from Sears commercials, but she’s actually the star of the XBox Live / Internet mini-show known as “The Guild”.  She plays “Codex”, a socially awkward girl who is part of a local guild who plays an MMO.  Trust me, it’s a lot funnier than it sounds.  If you’ve ever seen “The Legend of Neil” on the Internet, well, she plays the fairy who’s always trying to bang Neil. In addition, she was on Doll House.

You’re wondering why she’s donkey punch material.  Well, it’s because she looks like she’s begging to get donkey punched, especially by me.  Yeah, she has that, “Oh god, donkey punch me repeatedly with your plus fifty to sexuality bonus!”  I wouldn’t do it that hard, mind you, because I wouldn’t want to literally mind fuck her.

Also, she’s the kind of chick that you want to feel like you’re almost hurting while nailing her.  You don’t want to really hurt her, just that you’re probably going to cause her a little bit of pain, so you have to be careful nailing her like the pimp you are.

5. Hayden Panettiere“SUPER DONKEY PUNCH!!!”  You’d have to scream it every time you did it to her.  I’d be like a Street Fighter character, or even an anime character, screaming their attacks each time I slugged her in the back of the head…”SUPER..DONKEY..PUUUUUUUUUUUNCH!”  It would be close to a “Falcon Punch” style scream, but without the complete power to knock her head clean off.  I know I said I had a thing for red heads, but that doesn’t mean I wouldn’t nail a blond…especially this blond.

Sure no one believed that she could be a real cheerleader, but in the show “Heroes” we allowed the charade that she was to be accepted.  Like Arnot, she’s short, so there’s be no over reach, giving you the ability to slam the back of her head with full power.  She’s not as dumpy as she once was, which is great, so she has the sex appeal to offer.

Also awesome about her is the fact that she had an arrest warrant issued for her arrest in Japan.  Why?  Well, for the whole “Save the Whales” thing she did.  I know, totally lame, but at least she has a criminal history, and that’s kind of sexy…even for something as stupid as hugging trees, I mean whales.  So, Hayden, this donkey punch is for you!

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Well, that’s it for now.  I hope you enjoyed this as much as I did and always will.  Next time I’ll be offering relationship and dating advice, so send in those questions.  Don’t worry, I won’t use your real fake name.

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Posted 1/29/2010 at 2:0 PM on Xanga

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