Why monsters aren’t scary

Let’s face it, all monsters suck.  What’s so scary about monsters anyway?  Every single one of them have a huge weakness which can be exploited in order to survive.  Most of these weaknesses are things accessible to a child in kindergarten.  I’m going to map all these things out so you can all stop crapping your pants when you encounter or think you’re about to encounter one of these pathetic creatures.

          1. Zombies

            Alleged Scariness
            Never ending hoard of flesh eating undead.

            Zombies aren’t scary and you’re pathetic if you think they are.  Sure, they might seem to never tire, but generally they move extremely slow.  Even when they are depicted as moving very quickly, zombies are one of the most pathetic monsters ever.

            Running from zombies?  Just bash one in the freaking skull and it dies.  One bullet to the brain is all it takes.  Low on ammunition?  Throw a few ribs you got from the grocery store to distract it.  Gee…so scary!

          2. Vampires

            Alleged Scariness
            They stalk the night, hiding around every corner.  Once bitten, you turn into one of their kind, forever living and drinking the blood of others to survive.

            Not as pathetic as zombies, but you’re still a wuss if you’re scared of vampires.  Vampires can’t survive in the daylight, so there’s at least 12 hours you’re safe from them.  Hell, depending on where you live, there’s possibly months where you could go without having to worry.  Sure there would be months of these things crawling around, but there’s other defenses.  Just put up some freaking UV lamps!  Thousands of potheads who grow their stash in their houses are already set up to defend themselves.

            You can be rest assured there would never, ever be an Italian vampire.  Why?  Because vampires hate garlic and seem to die if they get near it.  Ever meet an Italian who doesn’t like garlic or smell like garlic?  Yeah, me neither, and that goes for myself, being the sexy Italian I am.

            Oh, and back to the daylight…vampires sleep during the day and seem to be pretty much powerless.  A wooden stake through the heart does them in rather quickly.  Kicking one over on a wooden fence would do the trick.  Pretty pathetic death if you ask me.

            Religious symbols often kill or force vampires away as well.  So, pretty much mark a cross on your neck with a crayon or permanent marker and you’re protected.

            Running from a vampire?  It’s like running from a bear: You only have to outrun the other guy.  The vampire is going to attack whoever is the slowest, much like any other creature in existence.

            Lastly, most vampires are pretty much simply interested in sex, so there’s not much to be worried about.  Let’s face it, while oddballs by nature, vampire chicks are hot as hell and I’d be willing to bang the hell out of one for immortality.  Don’t try to lie, either, because you would, too.

          3. Wolfman

            Alleged Scariness
            During the full moon, the cursed transforms into a ravage wolf, killing all who get in the way!

            Are you seriously afraid of this thing?  Wow…once a month (twice a month every once in a while), huh?  So, one or two days out of thirty I have to look around for this thing?  Yeah, I’m not too worried.

            Look, it’s basically a giant dog.  There’s two things right off the bat you can do.  One is simply carry around a tennis ball.  When the werewolf is coming near you, throw the ball.  The natural instinct of the dog part of the wolfman will force the creature to go chasing after it.  You now have more than enough time to escape.  The other option right off the bat is to simply throw some lunch meat on the ground and run.  You think the werewolf is going to chase you instead of stopping for the easy meal?  I sure as hell wouldn’t.  If I was chasing a chicken and it threw down some hotdogs, I’m going to get those damn hotdogs first.

            Silver kills wolfmen, and there is nothing in the rules saying it has to be a silver bullet.  Carry a silver fork around with you and jab the thing.  Once that’s done, the wolfman will transform back into what they look like the rest of the month: Fat, balding business man who gets absolutely no respect at their pencil pushing job.

          4. The Blob 

            Alleged Scariness
            It creeps and leaps and glides and slides across the floor.  Right through the door and all around the wall.  A splotch, a blotch!

            The blob is just plain stupid.  Simply get something cold and the blob retreats, if not turning into a crystal.  Get yourself a fire extinguisher and you’re fine.  If you’re anywhere that remains cold for any length of time (even Summit County, Colorado), there is no need to ever worry about this monster.

          5. Fishmen/Lagoon Creatures

            Alleged Scariness
            Hides in the water, clawing and mauling all who come near.

            It’s a fucking fish-man!  Dumping milk into the water can kill these things.  Just stay out of the lagoon these things reside in.

So, really there you have it.  As you can see, if you’re afraid of any of these things, you’re a huge ‘tard.  There’s nothing to be worried about now when you encounter any of these things.  You can send me a check for the advice later.

Posted 6/14/2008 at 4:24 AM on Xanga

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