Well, it was inevitable…I want to punch you in the face. Granted, it isn’t for no good reason. Oh no. Here’s a list of things which drive me up a wall. Please note, these are not necessarily in order.
Okay, this really is my number one. Seriously, I cannot stand when people do this. For some reason, it puts me into a fury faster than a camera in Sean Penn’s face.
Honestly, this makes me so angry even during the commercial for that crappy Sleep Number Bed when the woman says, “…my husband and I don’t wake up in the middle of the night saying, ‘Shhh!'” I want to throw my remote control through the TV to break her nose. I’m not advocating violence against women, I’m just saying I’d make a believer out of her.
One of my ex-girlfriends was fond of using this when she wanted to hear something even when said thing was easily rewindable or not important in the slightest. So, when she would do so, I would do the mature thing: I’d speak increasingly louder until she shut the hell up or left. Either way, I won and I didn’t have to headbutt anyone. Headbutting, by the way, is the second manliest thing ever.
I’m on the Cell Phone, People!
I get it, you finally got yourself a cell phone. Guess what? I have a cell phone too, but I don’t walk around every aisle in the Starbucks or some place fancy like Sizzler making sure everyone knows I’m having a conversation on a wireless network.
What makes you think I give a damn about the conversation you’re having? I don’t know you from Adam and I honestly never want to. Do you not understand shouting into the phone is not going to help the person hear you better? No, of course not. This is why I sometimes take the cell phone out of their hands and hang up for them.
It’s amazing how dumbfounded people get when you do that, too. One out of twenty times will someone actually say or try to do something. Well, when you keep walking by me screaming on the phone and then stop next to me while I’m trying to eat/relax, you deserve it.
Busted Up Models and Nice Cars
I was watching The Power Block on Spike TV when I thought about this one. During the bump for the next show, there was a really nice 2008 Dodge Charger done up in a brand new classy body kit with a lot of engine work. Then I heard this semi-annoying voice talking about the car and the next show.
Imagine my surprise when I see a female who was about as old as the cars being fixed up on the shows. In addition, she looked like her chassis could use some straightening as well. Really, I want to see and hear about the bad ass cars…not look at someone who is trying to be passed off as sexy when said person needs as much work as the vehicles.
Yes, hot women and hot cars often compliment each other. The keyword here, however, is hot. I’m sick of seeing females who have a decent body and a busted up face sprawled across…well…everything. I enjoy my women, but I do have taste and standards. People who are sevens or even eights don’t really belong in the advertising for a product.
While I was in Rancho Cucamonga, California, there was a rather large billboard next to the freeway for a real estate agent with a picture of the agent on it. Let me just say, someone that ugly should NOT be putting their face blown up that large for everyone to see. Simply because of the billboard, I would not hire said agent.
This brings me to my next thing:
Ugly People in Convertibles
Have you ever been sitting at a light and seen a convertible pull up occupied by someone who is just hideous as all get out? Yeah…ugly people shouldn’t be driving in convertible cars.
There’s a few things worse in life than noticing a nice convertible approach and looking over to see someone who appears as if they were dragged through forty miles of bad road behind a tractor trailer. We all expect someone who looks like that stepping off of a motorcycle, but not a convertible. It’s a huge contradiction!
I understand there are times when you have to look around for what you want. Now, with that said, these times are when you’re walking around a retail store trying to find the correct item.
Here’s something which may be shocking to a great number of you: McDonald’s/Jack in the Box/Del Taco/Taco Bell/Wendy’s/Carl’s Jr./Sbarro/Baskin-Robins has the same selection they always do! When something new is introduced, you know it because of all the signs plastered up before you even get into the order line. So, why must you stand for ten minutes staring at the menu when at the register going, “Umm…Umm…”?! If you’re so undecided, stay out of the order line until you figure out what you want!!!
While I’m at it, let me ask why is it so important to slam on the brakes for your Chevre-legs in the middle of an aisle? Can you not see what you want to look at by walking closer to it or moving out of the direct lane of traffic? There are times when I intentionally walked through a single person or a group because of this. I suggest you do the same if such a thing happens to you.
He Ain’t Black
This appeals to my sense of decency and equality for pretty much all people. Almost as annoying to me as the “SHHH!”. When I hear someone say “He ain’t black!” I’m two seconds from ripping out the throat of whoever said it.
Usually you hear this when a black person isn’t using ghetto slang, dressing in gang associated clothing, or eating fried chicken as a favorite food. Generally what the person is saying about the other individual is they must act in a specific, stereotypical, often uneducated way in order to be “true” to their race. This goes for all races, nationalities, ethnicities, and all that crap.
I don’t drink Crystal Lite because I’m white, I drink it because it’s delicious. I don’t make bomb ass spaghetti because I’m Italian, I make bomb ass spaghetti because I like to cook. I don’t drink tea because I’m British, I…oh, wait…never mind. Yes I do.
I Must Be No Further Than Two Inches From Your Face
When you want to talk to me, back up. If during the action of me bringing my hand up and stiff arming in your direction you get knocked back, then you were too close.
There is absolutely no good reason to be crowding me when you talk to me. I honestly do take it as a personal threat. Sure, some of this could do with my profession, but unless you’re my friend and we’re in a loud place, stay well out of my reach or you’re getting bumped.
I’m not degrading you. I don’t think you’re less than me. I just want you to shut up and do your job. I’m not interested in having a conversation with you.
Sometimes this isn’t the clerk/server’s fault. There are plenty of places which require the server to rattle off two hundred things when I want to order. Do I want to order wine? No, I would have told you if I had. Do I want to add an appetizer? No, I would have ordered one! I don’t want to know the soup of the day, the dessert of the day, or what YOU suggest. If I want to know any of the previously mentioned, I would have asked!
Oh, then there’s the server who asks what I want the moment my ass hits the cushion. I don’t always know what I want at this point, especially if I have never been there before, or if I’m waiting on other people. The moment you say, “Just give me XXX to drink and I’ll let you know in a few moments what I’d like to eat,” they disappear for twenty minutes. You want to lose your tip quick? Make me ask where you are or keep requesting things.
Wow, the leaves have changed color! So cool, right? No you moron! There is nothing cool about a leaf which has changed color.
These people travel from all around and crowd the parks taking pictures of the freaking trees and leaves on the ground. Gee, it went from green to brown, awesome! Guess what, douche nozzle: You can see the same thing at home by not watering your plants without spending all the gas money and getting in my way.
Let me not forget to mention how most of these people come from places where driving lessons are obviously a suggestion and not a requirement. Texas, California, Missouri…those are just a few. Usually these people end up going down the wrong way on a one way street, fail to stop at posted stop signs, and crash into everything. 90% of the people I contact during the “leafer season” are from Texas and California because they drive like ass.
Look, you bastard or bastardette, just because you got addicted to sucking on a stick which is slowly killing you doesn’t mean I have to tolerate your wobblers because you can’t get your precious toxic fog. Either quit or don’t, but I’m not going to let you blow off your handle at me. You want to get into with me because you’re “feeling the pains of quitting”? Hey, fine, but I’m going to slam it back to you.
Anyone Involved with “Truth”
If mass genocide wasn’t illegal, these people would be on the top of my list just under PETA. The commercials are absolutely terrible. That goes infinitely for the “Sunny Side of Truth” commercials.
These bastards not only use the exact same tactics they criticize the tobacco industries for using, they shove it down our throat and imply you’re on “the enemy’s side” if you don’t agree. Look, people chose to smoke, so they deserve what comes to them. There’s a reason most states have a smoking ban inside buildings other than your own residence.
Regardless if you’re addicted or not, smoking was originally a choice. I’m addicted to boobs, but I’m not complaining to God or trying to sue the church. I had the choice to be an ass man, but boobs are just more fun.
Trust me, it’s only a matter of time these jack offs start going after the firearm companies. I’m surprised they haven’t started asking people to arrest ethnic babies before they become criminals yet.
Well, for now that’s all I have. Should I feel like writing more later, then I will.
Posted 6/28/2008 at 3:33 PM on Xanga