How to be a Jerk When Dining Out

There are few things in this life that really piss me the hell off like douche bags at a restaurant.  I know, far be it from me to talk about how there are so many jackasses out there, especially in public places like a restaurant, but I feel compelled this time to actually bring it up.  So, here I go.  I’m going to detail what the most annoying, rude, real-dick-move things to do are, so you, too can understand what a prick you are when you do these things.

1. Request a booth regardless of current occupancy
If you are fat and out of shape, requesting a booth is only going to further the talking that will be going on behind your fat ass.If you’re by yourself, you should still expect to get a booth, so just demand one.  Honestly, you’re lazy and self absorbed so you  need to have one!
2. Make an ironic joke about how empty it is
This one never gets old!  When the only people in the place are you, the employees, and maybe one or two other tables, make the comment, “Yeah, if you can find room for us!”  Trust me, the employees love this joke and they will never have heard it before.
3. Never be specific/Never answer with the correct reply
When the host makes the statement, “Hello.  How can I help you?”  Reply with something like, “I’m doing great, thanks for asking!”When the host makes the statement, “How are you this morning/afternoon/evening?” Reply with something like, “I’d like to dine-in/take out.”When the host makes the statement, “Will you be dining in or taking out?” Reply with something like, “I’d like to get breakfast/lunch/dinner, if I can.”When the host makes the statement, “What is it that we may do for you?” Reply with something like, “Two.”  More on this later.

The point is, whenever you are asked a question, that is NEVER the question that the person means to ask you, so it’s your job to make sure your answer has nothing to do with it.  Also, the “If I can” is very, very, very important, because you never know when you are allowed to actually eat at a restaurant.  It’s not like that’s the reason the place is there!
4. Say as little as possible and only talk with your hands
Forget using your words when it’s easier to just throw your hands in some stranger’s face in order to reply to a perfectly valid question.  When asked how many people there will be, simply stare coldly at the person and raise your hand with the number of people, but do not actually say the number.
5. Make vague statements to questions when you do talk
Remember I said, “More on this later”?  Well, never, ever, never, ever, ever give complete sentences when you actually do make a comment…aside from the “If you can find room for us!”…if you can avoid it.

You don’t need to tell people that there will be X number of people in your party, when you can simply say the number, with no indication to what you are talking about.At a decent place like Red Lobster?  When greeted, simply look at them and say, “Three, please.”  They will automatically know what the you are talking about.  Three lobsters?  Three cheddar biscuits?  Three shrimp?  Why should you care that you’re being vague?  They should be mind readers.
6. Don’t remember what you and your friend ordered
Trust me, it’s more fun for the people who bring out your food to figure out, through telepathy, what you both ordered.  This is especially true if you both ordered something completely different from each other.

At a pizza parlor?  If you order a pizza and your friend orders a salad, be completely clueless when the order is brought out to you in regards to who had what.  The person who brings out your food probably has no idea what you ordered, but they should be able to automatically, magically know what goes to which person, since you obviously have no clue.
7. Remind the person who brought your food that you had other items on the order
This ties in with the last one and applies heavily when the person/people who bring your food out are not the one(s) who took your order.

Did you order two hamburgers, a side of fried cheese, and chips with salsa, but the person is only carrying two burgers in each hand and balancing the fried cheese?  Promptly and sternly remind them that you ordered the chips with salsa and you’re expecting it.  They should be able to carry everything at once, right?Ordered two steak sandwiches, a taco, and a fish sandwich, but only the taco, fish sandwich and one of the steak sandwiches came out?

When the person is asking who had each thing, when they get to the steak sandwich, point out that you had TWO steak sandwiches, not just one.  This is, of course, after they magically figure out what each person ordered because you forgot who had what.
8. Bitch about your food before you eat any of it/Eat all of it then demand a refund
Before you even take a bite, complain about how the food looks, the food smells, and the food feels!  Sure you haven’t even tasted any of the food yet, but that’s not the point.  The point is you are already not satisfied and you should get the food for free.  Again, forget the fact that you haven’t even tried it!

After you are finished eating, if you haven’t complained about the food in anyway, now is the perfect time to whine.  You wolfed down the food, so now you should get it for free.  Never mind that you could have easily had your food re-prepared to a manner in which you could have complained about before you tasted it.  Instead just talk about how so many things about the food were awful, even though you ate it, and demand it for free.  This way you get full and keep your wallet full.
9. Bring children…then ignore them!
The little crumb munchers that are your children aren’t your problem when you’re dining out.  I mean, that’s the entire point of dining out with the bastards, isn’t it? You don’t have to cook, you don’t have to clean, and from the view of many “parents”, you don’t have to do any parenting.Baby screaming, crying, and throwing things?  It’s not your place!  Other people having their meals interrupted?  Screw them!  It’s a baby for God’s sake, so they should just deal with it since you’re out to eat.

No matter what restaurant you are at, it’s just like Chuck E. “Fucking” Cheese.  Children are welcome to run around, throw things, scream, yell, and stare at other people intensely while making snot covered faces at them.If your child is running around (and why wouldn’t they be?) and gets hurt, it is the fault of the restaurant staff, not yours.  Remember this especially if your child is a big wuss and starts coughing on hot sauce then starts crying.  Scream that you will sue them for not dropping everything and act like your child is the second coming of Christ who must be protected at all cost.
10. Don’t hand over your payment politely
Chances are, if you dine at a smaller restaurant, you will have to take your receipt over to the host/cashier.  This is a major inconvenience on your fat ass, so there’s no reason to be polite.

When read back the amount due, if you pay with a credit card, you must throw it at them.  When feeling slightly less rude, simply drop the card in front of you and look at them with the, “Pick it up, asshole!” stare.If you’re actually paying by cash, never hand them the money.  Instead, you have to put it at the edge of the counter top and leave it.  Don’t look at the person after doing so, either, because then it’s considered a challenge of territory…you don’t want that, after all.

You can, to a lesser degree, throw the money as well.  Of course, it’s more making sure all the bills are folded, but not together, and then dropping it from chest height so that it spreads apart in the air.  This forces them to either try and catch it, or end up bending over/kneeling down to pick it up like the slaves you believe them to be.
11. Make one last snide remark to the host
No matter what, you must, must, must make one last snide remark to the otherwise polite host.  Bitch that they aren’t smiling large enough, they aren’t laughing hard enough at your lame jokes, they aren’t spending thirty minutes having a conversation with your group, or that when you came in, there were twenty five people waiting before you and so you had to wait forty five minutes for a table, so you aren’t happy.

Also, always demand that the host tell the owners about anything you are complaining about…because they have so much influence in things.  Lighting not right?  Wait too long when you showed up during rush time?  Prices too expensive?  Hot sauce too much for you and you started crying?  Demand that the host tell the owners immediately to correct the problem.

There are a lot more things, I know, but right now, I’m giving myself a headache thinking about it.  Now if only being stupid hurt the people that do these things instead of the rest of us…

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