How people are finding my entries (s)


Okay, people, seriously…what the fuck? I really like people finding my writings and reading them, but some of the search terms used to find me are pretty horrific. So, what I’m going to do for everyone is list some of the most “Dude, seriously?” of them here. All search strings are copypasta as they appeared with no editing!

Oh, and any link found on this entry will open to a new window so you can continue to read, while also referencing what I’m talking about.


shaving instant abs
What? Seriously? I guess this has to do with my Incredible Life Hacks entry in which I mention “great looking abs for wookies” and tell people to just shave abs into their fur. Still…why was someone looking this up?
 
 
confused monkey
How in the hell did I come up in a search with that string? Also, how deep must I be in those returned results to find me? Except for this page, I don’t think those two words appear directly next to each other in any of my entries…
 
 
guy who climbed a mountain with a t-bar
*laughing* Whaaaaat? Who the hell thought to look this up and what led them to think of it? I mean…I honestly don’t even know why someone would want to try to climb a mountain with a god damn t-bar…
 
 
i pray for a zombie apocolypse every day
Not only is apocalypse spelled wrong, the fact anyone is praying for it to happen every day is a little disturbing. I’m a fan of unrelenting carnage as much as the next sociopath, but come on…
 
 
mk 9 true skill
There is nothing on my sight to give you “true skill” in Mortal Kombat (9). Like, at all. I do have the fake tournament rules I did as a joke, but if you take any of that seriously, well, you’re a dumbass.
 
 
ejaculating into the ear
What the hell is wrong with you people?! Still…this is a new one for me! That means it’s time for a party:

 
 
well here goes nothin’
Huh? Is this like one of those “I Feel Lucky” things from Google? Nope, this is an actual search string used to locate my writings. Where this leads to and why I haven’t a single idea….at least it got people here, right?
 
 
when a guy says i don’t have to lie to you
While most of my writing is tongue in cheek, there is a bit of truth in everything I write. How I present the truth to people, however, is a terrible way to receive advice. This place is a writing site of satire and fun…not a real advice column, regardless of how the entry reads. So, to find this site using that search string…well…you’re better off just hitting the bottle and smiling, then tell him, “Well, I thought that was the best way to solve the issue!”

The truth is, though, if a guy says you don’t have to lie to him, then just fucking don’t lie. Stop lying, god damn it.
 
 
felicia day the other
*blink blink* Uh…huh..? I know I did the entry Who I Will Donkey Punch and Why, which had Felicia Day as one of the women, but this search string doesn’t make a lick of sense.
 
 
i was fucking myself using a broom does that mean im not a virgin anymore
I’m honestly at a loss of words…
 
 
 
fats food job to hard
Aww, is the little bitch finding working in “fats” food “to” hard? FYI, it’s “fast” and “too”, you fucking illiterate little shit. Given you feel working in the fast food industry is too hard and you can’t even use the correct word (fast, too), being in fast food is all you’re going to be experiencing. Don’t worry…four or five fast food jobs should be enough to scrape by while taking care of three kids with two separate women while living in your mother’s basement. Obama will come to your rescue.
 
 
vampire withstand daylight for at least 12hrs
Dick off, Cullen.
 
 
can i return something at macy’s i’ve worn
This may have to do with my Actual Customer Complaints (s) entry. That entry has to do with idiot customers…and this search string is probably done by a few of them.

Here’s a tip: Don’t buy something you don’t want or haven’t tried on…and this won’t be a problem!
 
 
sexyass site:wordpress.com/2013/06
It’s hard to argue my site is and does has a sexy ass. Still, I can’t figure out why someone was looking this up nor why it got them to my site. Then again, as I said, this site, and me included, does have a sexy ass!
 
 
what does it mean when someone screams at you that you ruined them
Once again, any advice you receive from this site isn’t really advice… Still, if you’re asking this question, you must be horribly brain dead. Generally in the moments preceding the statement you ruined them, the reason was talked about…and if it wasn’t, then the reason is going to be stated immediately following that you ruined them.
 
 
god created sex people ruined it
Once again: WHY?! I have never discussed this in any of my writings. There is nothing about my sex life at all, but rest assured, I’m awesome.
 
 
elyse levesque armpits
Da fuq?
 
 
if i dont call or text will he become reinterested/
I know how this found the site. It’s due to the entry called Just Because I Don’t Call You in Four Days…. I just think it’s funny someone was actually considering this and found my site in regards to it.
 
 
sexting per minute services
Really? You really needed this?
 
 
what does a jack of spades tattoo mean on a man
How come this is even a question? Does it have to mean anything? There’s some bullshit about the Queen of Spades and even the Ace of Spades, but it’s mostly bullshit.
 
 
disable pussies
Aside from three to seven days a month, why would you want to disable pussies? Pussies are awesome. I, myself, am quite a vagitarian. I even have an appropriate bib…kinda like a lobster bib, but with a picture of a naked chick spreading her legs.
 
 
hot one blowing a donkey
What is…I don’t even…
 
 
werewolves bang hot vsmpire chick
…good lord…
 
 
when you sneeze on your period meme
*sigh* Does this actually have to be a meme…and why does this link to my writings?
 
 
dirty sexy sweaty bestiality stories
Once again…the fuck, people?!
 
 
little pussy woman
o_0


Well…there’s the most screwed up search strings which have found my writings. You people need help…and I need a shower…

Rockstar Games announces GTA Online Realism update!


Grand Theft Auto has gained a reputation as being an incredible open world sand box game ever since the GTA 3. Some of the more recent games, however, haven’t been without their critics and problems, but things are beginning to smooth out. With the release of GTA V’s online mode, Rockstar Games has bombarded players with constant updates and new content in order to have even more fun. Rockstar Games does with it can to listen to the fans for making content and they have once again listened…but is it going to be fun?

While there has been a very vocal minority over how “too realsitic” GTA has become, most people felt the added realism made the experience that much more immersive. True the police online are extremely too aggressive and the low amounts of money given to players for doing odd jobs is laughable, however, everything else in the online mode has been extremely fun. Singleplayer is great for the story, and online is the best place to mess around with friends.

Unfortunately, things look like they’re about to take a step backwards in the fun department and further real players back from causing destruction. Rockstar Games has introduced their “Realism Update”, part of their on-going free expansion packs in the vain of Beach Bum and High Life. As a gamer myself, I don’t agree with the changes they are introduction. Here’s the changes coming to GTA Online.


Neighbors

  • Other players and NPC’s can now be seen roaming the hallways of your condos.
  • Players without condos and have houses instead should be mindful of closing their blinds in rooms while changing, else others can watch them and take pictures.
  • NPC’s and other players can call the police to register noise complaints against you. Be mindful how loud your TV and radio systems are, and don’t go running around your condo all the time. You have to be respectful to others!

 
 

Equal Rights

  • Players will have the ability to choose LBGT for their characters.
  • Players with LBGT selected will have to “live the lifestyle” by getting married to another LBGT character of the same sex. Every three in-game days, the LBGT characters must engage in some LBGT action or they will be flagged as pretenders.
  • Any player caught assaulting another character with the LBGT selected will get themselves a hate crime marker.
  • Players pretending to be LBGT in order to by-pass the hate crime markers will be flagged.
  • After three flags and/or hate crime markers, the player will be placed into a “Tolerance Server” and will only be able to play with LBGT NPC’s. If the player does not harm the NPC’s over the course of one real week, they will be once again allowed to participate in regular servers. This temporary ban is account wide.
  • If the player continues to hurt the NPC’s, they will be warned their continued actions will result in their account permanently tied to the “Tolerance Server” and never be allowed to play on other servers. Additionally, their account information will be turned over to the NSA, NAACP, and other groups for monitoring and shaming.

 
 
Taxes

  • Once every in-game year the player will be responsible for filing taxes.
  • Players are encouraged to keep track of their dealings on missions and other events in order to file correctly.
  • Failing to file the proper taxes will results in a raid on your properties.

 
 

Brady Checks and cooling off periods required on all firearm purchases

  • Because guns are bad, scary, kill people, and we must protect the children, players must perform a background check on all firearm purchases in-game.
  • A mandatory “cooling off” period of 10 in-game days is required before the check is performed.
  • After the 10 in-game cooling off period is complete, the FIB/Agency will then have up to three further in-game days to approve or deny your firearm purchase.
  • Be careful of your character names, as a similar name to another player with a criminal record may cause you to be delayed.
  • Characters which have a criminal record will no longer be able to purchase a firearm in the Ammu-Nation stores and must find them on the street.
  • If a character with a criminal record does attempt to purchase a firearm at Ammu-Nation and they are denied, an instant three star wanted level will occur. Even if the stars are out run, the characters will continue to be hunted by police and chased on sight until they are wasted by the police or FIB. Please keep in mind, other players killing you will not cause your character to lose the three star wanted level nor the police tracking.

 
 
Chocolatotaco

  • The Chocolatotaco is now available for player consumption.
  • Eating of the Chocolatotaco will slightly decrease the user’s stamina. This is to help the players make better choices for their in-game snacks.
  • Thank you, Michelle Obama!

 
 

In-game licensed products

  • Rockstar Games is proud to announce real life products will be available for purchase in-game!
  • The first available will be with the glorious and perfect Starbucks® with many more to follow.
  • All Bean Machine coffee stores and cups will now be retrofit with Starbucks® for players to enjoy.
  • Keep in mind the prices of all Starbucks® beverages will be adjusted accordingly with real-life to GTA$ conversion. A small in-game beverage will cost the player GTA$10. Pricing will be available for all others in-game.
  • Players will have the ability to make their order as simple or complicated as they wish, so remember your wait time behind another character will vary greatly. This is especially true if the NPC or player is highly demanding in the exact specifications of their perfect, glorious Starbucks® beverage.

 
 

Objectivity

  • All women will now be topless.
  • All men will now be bottomless.

Well, there you guys have it. Those are the new “Realism Update” patch notes. I don’t know if most of those are going to be good for the game or not. Personally, I don’t think they are. I mean…do I really want to run around with my dork hanging out all the time. Okay…so that’s a resounding, “YES!!!!!“, but still…

I’m his wife – Setting the record straight

Hello there, everyone. This is as he’s been calling himself on here Sunrie’s wife and I want to set the record straight with everyone. I was very shocked dismayed and surprised when I found his writings here and I want to let everyone know he’s actually a very nice man.

I knew he was writing things on the internet, but he was always quiet about what he was posting. He just said, “Fun random stuff.” Well, now I see what he is writing and…I am upset. He is actually just a sweet, nice guy, and I cannot understand why he is putting the things he does here! The tough guy talk, the grotesque descriptions about sexual acts, the woman hate, the borderline racism… It is all shocking to say the least.
 
 
What is the truth? The truth is he is a nice, sweet guy! He is romantic to a fault and is always making sure I am taken care of no matter what! These writings are terrible! He is not someone who hates woman I can tell you for sure! He loving and sweet and nice and lovely. He is just so nice. He feeds the homeless he does not punch them in the face. He pets puppies, he does not drown them. He absolutely loves children and would never beat them. He volunteers with big brothers and is always helping to take disadvantaged kids to amusement parks!
 
 
Why he is writing all of this is beyond my ability to understand. I have asked him, but he just goes quiet and keeps saying he is sorry. He should be sorry. The filth written on this site is terrible. For the sake of it all…he writes poetry! Yes, poetry! His expression in prose and rhyme are comparable to Shakespeare! I am going to make sure this site becomes a shrine to his multiple talents as a loving writer instead of a monument to the hate he currently expresses. This is so unlike him. Until then, know his wife is taking care of the situation and you do not have to worry any longer.
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
April Fool’s, bitches!!!!!

Times are Changing


Times are changing. Yes they are. Did you know that? Do you know that? Even if you did, how can you be so sure of it? Of anything? Things are changing, that means the only thing for certain is uncertainty. The problem with that is with one thing being certain, which is uncertainty, even uncertainty is uncertain. Makes you think, doesn’t it? Yeah, I know it does.

With the times being so uncertain, you can’t go about doing things the way you used to. Things are starting to be different now. So different, you have to think different about different. It’s not going to be easy, but nothing worth doing ever is. Just keep reminding yourself how this isn’t Bizzaro World, and you’ll be okay. Breath deep, count your fingers, and try to relax. If you can learn how to adapt, how to deal, how to change yourself, you can once again learn how to live a normal life.

But what will normal be in these changing times? Who knows? Change always brings about growing pains, and pains bring about hurt. Hurt, in turn, breeds discontent and discontent always ushers in change. So, when you consider it all, change brings about change. It’s deep and moving all at the same time. Not shallow and standing still like the Transportation Safety Administration. What a bunch of losers that bunch is. You can’t even crack jokes about them anymore because they’ll threaten you with charging you with a federal offense…like, seriously! Look it up. Muslims, however, are allowed to bypass the screening. Makes sense, eh?

Those last remarks are just a sampling of the changes in times. It’s not just things in all of this change, but time as well. Think you understand time? Think you have a handle on your time? HA! HA, I say again! Time is constantly changing. Do you know what time it is? Nope! In the time you were going to say something, it changed! Time and times changing is something which can’t be stopped…and you’re a powerless whelp in the face of it!

Change is changing for change sake. No other reason. Nothing can change the change except for change changing it. Since change is certain, even change is changing that. You’ve been warned!

What happened to Malaysia Flight 370 solved!


It’s been some time since the Malaysian Flight 370 went dark. There had been all kinds of conspiracy theories running wild, but now, finally now, we know what happened. It wasn’t easy to get the info with all the cover ups and incompetency going on, but we now know the truth. Still, the truth is hard to accept and follow. Everything now has changed, and the world will never be the same.

We do well to remember the words of the fictional, and yet influential, character known as Sherlock Holmes: “Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth.” Everyone does well keeping that in mind with the mystery now being solved.

As crazy as it may seem, Malaysia Flight 370 encountered not one, but two problems leading up to their final, tragic, fate. From the start, two passengers used fake passports in hopes of hijacking the plane to use in a future terror plot. The plan was to steal the plane, under funding of a Chinese (not Islamic) terrorist group, land the plane in one of the many old Cambodian airports no longer in use, kill all the passengers except the 20 employees of the company Freescale Semiconductor, and then use the technology those employees have been developing to cloak the plane to detonate a nuclear bomb above the United States.

Then there’s the issue with the plane turning into a random direction. The lead pilot, Capt. Zaharie Ahmad Shah, and first officer (co-pilot), Fariq Ab Hamid, were heading to their flight ceiling when a problem arose with the aircraft, before the two terrorists could activate their plan. A small hole in the plane caused a dramatic loss of cabin pressure, resulting in hypoxia with everyone on board. The passengers began to pass out, unable to answer their cell phones, and drastic measures needed to be taken. With severe hypoxia rapidly setting in, the Fariq Ab Hamid, tried to contact anyone he could, but began to mumble incoherently, except for the fated, “Alright, roger that.” Fariq Ab Hamid was attempting to turn the plane around, when he, too, passed out.

Then All Hell Broke Loose
This is where things get weird, however, so brace yourselves. Even I, the respected and never joking journalist that I am, find things…hard to swallow. Like a first day Malaysian prostitute with an NBA star.

Turns out, the employees of Freescale Semiconductor hooked up the airliner as a live test for their military contract for their cloaking technology caused the small hole in the plane when it overloaded. This also resulted in the transponders to be corrupted and shut down, meaning no one could track the plane any longer. The strangest part of all of this comes from the report of the technology going critical and forming a small black hole in which the plane was now headed.

I think the hardest for us to follow in all of this, is the resulting contact with extraterrestrials. Hollywood normally portrays contact with interstellar beings as hostile, but such a thing is from our own prejudices. These alien visitors, sensing the airliner’s distress, showed up and wrapped the ship in a sub-space warp field, allowing it to pass unharmed through the even horizon. Like all black holes, it is a two way street, or wormhole, allowing travel over vast distances.

Reports are every passenger is safe, living in the Xentaris (Zin Tear Ees) system (the extraterrestrials’ name for their home system), but cannot return. The energy required to return them to our solar system is even beyond the ability of the Xentarians. Messages from the Xentarian leaders claim they are willing to house our citizens as their own and look forward to a day in which our cultures can exchange spices in person.

Families of the lost are still disheartened, knowing they will never see their loved ones again, but they do find comfort in knowing they are safe.

Want to stop bullying? Ask me how! (s)

People fight...deal with it!
This has been pissing me off for a while. Everyone is on this “anti-bullying” kick and it’s become nothing more than a fucking meme. I hate memes, fads, and bandwagons. What I hate more are a bunch of worthless, weak individuals who think crying about everything and waiting for others do things for them is the solution to problems. Along the same hate lines, I hate people who think they can push people around with absolutely no consequence, and do everything they can to make sure you can’t.

There are a ton, and I do mean a ton, of bullshit “inspirational” images out there on the web, articles in magazines, commercials and even stupid campaigns about bullying. They’re worthless. No matter how many commercials you have, no matter how many images you make, and no matter how many retarded pink shirts you all wear one day a year, you aren’t going to stop bullying. Why? Because it’s human nature and bullying is actually necessary.

Oh, and no, this write up won’t be in list form. I’m sick of that, too. This also isn’t a “How To Guide” in my traditional “How To Guide” sense.

Part of the problem with bullying these days is the fact almost everything is considered bullying. Did someone call someone stupid for asking how to chew gum? BULLYING! Did someone push a kid who was too scared to go down the slide and was frozen crying their eyes out down the slide to get them off of it? BULLYING! Did someone demand work get done as fast as possible all the time while never thanking anyone for them doing their job? BULLYING! Did someone get teased for doing not just one thing, but many things like a moron? BULLYING! Did someone get told their mismatched clothing, done on purpose, doesn’t look good? BULLYING! Did someone not get treated as a perfect, unique, beautiful snowflake? BULLYING!

Eat shit, nerd!None of that is bullying! Just because another person doesn’t like you and lets you know, does not mean you’re not being bullied.

Bullying is when a specific target is selected for constant physical, emotional and/or financial abuse without warrant with the specific intent to cause harm be it physically, emotionally and/or financially. If someone is constantly being beaten up and having their money stolen by the same person, then that’s bullying. If a person is constantly forced into a corner while they are berated with insults until they cry and it goes on every time they are seen by the individual doing the insults, that’s bullying. If a person is beaten up for no other reason than to be beaten up by the same person or people at all times randomly, that’s bullying. Basically, the democratic party if you want a political connection.

So, you’re probably wondering at this point when I’m going to get on about how to stop the actual bullying. I’m getting to that, you impatient bastards. ˂fake crying>Stop bullying me!!! WAAAAA!!!!˂/fake crying>

One for sure way to do it is to stop teaching people they are special and should be respected no matter what. Heads up, fuck heads, you aren’t special, you aren’t unique, and you sure as shit aren’t a beautiful snowflake to be cherished. Just because you are alive on this planet doesn’t mean you are worth it. Just because you are unique does not mean you are useful. Just because you are special does not mean you are welcome. Stop thinking your existence is enough to be left alone or not be bothered. Stop teaching your children they are special to the world. Very few will be and the vast majority of the population as a whole is only alive thanks to modern medicine and conveniences.

Boo hoo, bitch!  So long!Look at what happened to Rebecca Sedwick. She committed suicide because of bullies at school and on Facebook. Why she didn’t delete her Facebook or put it on private or anything else, I don’t know. Actually, I do know…she was a fucking idiot. One of the two girls arrested even claimed, “Yes ik I bullied REBECCA nd she killed her self but IDGAF”. Good for her. Do you people not understand these bullies don’t fucking care about you? Almost the entire god damn world doesn’t give a fuck about you. Welcome to the real world, Rebecca Sedwick, it’s too bad you couldn’t deal with it and left, but most of us aren’t even sad about it. One less overly emotional, bat shit crazy bitch to spread her weakness to future generations.

The ones to blame are Rebecca, her friends, and her family. Her parents not only should have been more active in her life, but they should have taught her to deal with it and fight back. Her death is on her parent’s hands. Mr and Mrs Sedwick, this message is for you: You’re 50% responsible for you daughter’s suicide while 5% of it goes to the “bullies”, 5% to her friends/extended family and 40% on Rebecca herself. She wasn’t a wonderful, beautiful girl with so much to offer.

Harsh? Too fucking bad. As I said, welcome to the real world. If you can’t hang, then hang yourself. If you need help, here’s some help: Suicide: Getting it Right the First Time! Link will open in a separate window.

We can’t end bullying by trying to force people to care about everyone. I can’t be bothered to give a shit about everyone on this planet. There’s really only so much love in a heart to give, and with God, family, a very select group of friends, and America, there’s really nothing left in there.

What we can do to help curb this behavior, is not only by no longer teaching people they should be respected just for living and coddling them, but teaching them how to deal with it better. You’re going to be made fun of, you’re going to learn most of the world doesn’t care if you live or die, you’re going to meet people who don’t like you and you’re going to never fit in with anything other than a specific, and often very small, group of people. I don’t mean by going out and hitting a punching bag or by crying to a psychologist (can’t spell psycho without psychologist), oh no. There are much better ways. One is getting physical either by yourself or with a large group of people who are fed up with it, or by understanding if you are intentionally putting yourself outside of the society norm, you’ll be treated that way.

If you’re dressing like a depressing fuck and talking about suicide, then people are going to fucking avoid you. If you’re only ever talking about My Little Pony and you’re a 13 year old boy, then you’re going to be teased! If you sit around with braces drooling, whining when you sneeze because it hurts, are allergic to your own snot, and try to get the jocks to play the most recent edition of Dungeons and Dragons, then expect to get pushed around. If you just cower and cry when your own shadow is in front of you, then you’re going to get your ass kicked! Humans don’t like anything not associated with “normal human”, and those things aren’t “normal human”. Not everyone has an IQ over 98 here in America and most jocks have an IQ even lower than that. My tested IQ with MENSA is 136 about two weeks prior to this writing, which explains why everyone around me seems so god damn stupid.

Try and take it, pussy!What you need to do is learn to not give one fuck about it. Don’t like the social norms? Fine, then do what you want, but don’t expect everyone to accept it. After all, you aren’t being like them because they are a certain way, so why get whiny over all of it when they act the way you are intentionally avoiding? Own what you are. When you don’t give one fuck about it, people don’t feel like bothering you. It’s only when you start giving an emotional response do they continue on. Some people tease me about the colored grip and coloring on my gun, but do you think I give a shit? Nope. I think it looks bad ass, and I shoot better than 90% of anyone I meet. Not to mention, how pissed off are you going to be if I drill you with a blue “sparkly” gun? Yeah…probably very. Not to mention, how confident must I be to open carry that? Yep. Very.

Learning to deal with it is the first step to being a well rounded individual with a healthy mental state.

One of the best, and my favorite ways, of fixing this problem is violence. Violence is always an answer, but it has to be done right. You can’t be like these twats who believe shooting up everyone is the answer. No, just violence against the person or people directly involved. If you feel violence is never an answer, then please give me your address so I can take over every aspect of your life. Just remember, you can’t fight back physically, as you are “better” than that.

What I’m getting at here is to teach people to fight the fuck back. People push others around because there are no consequences to them. A bully is a bully until they meet another bully. Then they are either friends or a pussy. Give a bully some consequence and they tend to calm the hell down. The reason people, in major cities especially, perform robberies in liquor stores or pedestrians is because they know people have been told to “Just give it up!” The clerk’s aren’t allowed to do anything except hand over money, and people on the street are so neutered, they don’t know how to fight back. States with Stand Your Ground laws kick ass and crime in legal citizens armed areas is always lower.

Fighting back kicks ass. Even though violence isn’t necessarily the first response, it should be at least the second option. You can’t reason with a bully. You can’t make nice with a bully. You can’t talk a bully down…unless you talk them down with a real threat of violence which won’t end well for them. Schools don’t seem to understand this.

I remember telling my youngest brother, who was attacked without provocation and was being suspended for simply being involved in a fight, even though he didn’t fight back, right in front of his principal the next time I have to come and get him for getting suspended over a fight, he better hit the kid in the back of the head with a brick. After all, if he was going to get suspended it better damn well be worth it.

The law says you can fight back. Fuck what you believe is polite or socially acceptable. Defend yourself and fight! Your happiness, well being, and safety is completely up to you. Even if you can get someone else to give a shit about any of that for you, they aren’t going to do it forever. You have to fight back.

Violence has solved most of the problems in the world. It’ll solve your bully problem, too.