Evildron’s Master Plan (Best Dang Power Ranger Fan Fiction Ever Written!)

Evildron’s Master Plan

The multiverse has collapsed thanks to one of the Rangerverse villains succeeding in a secret plan and this caused a mixing of multiple realities into one. Now Tommy, Sky, Jen, Dustin and Carlos must battle a new threat while trying to return all of reality back to the way it was. Unfortunately, their personalities are a serious mash up of almost every possible type, and they don’t act the way they should. Oh, and thanks to temporal-dimensional shielding Zordon and Alpha 5 were not only okay, also brought back to life to work as the Rangers’ leader.

This is just one story in a vast and populated mythos, so don’t worry about trying to know who everyone is. The story itself will give you all the information you need to know!


It’s a beautiful day in Angel Bay Crest Grove. To start off with, at least. For several weeks the Power Rangers had been suffering crippling defeat after crippling defeat, but they have finally turned the tied of battle once again. Reconstruction of the city was under way, and there had been no attacks for about three days. Under the suggestion of Jen, the Power Rangers were having a nice day at the beach. You know, sipping drinks, hanging out and shit. Life was good for right now.

Even the most perfect Brandy Bunch sunny day can have a cloud somewhere in the sky, however, and this cloud’s name was Evildron. At his dark and mysterious layer, Evildron was busy preparing to make life hell for the Power Rangers and the inhabitants of Angel Bay Crest Grove. He was always doing that, but this time, he meant business. For real business. The kind of business Hollywood loves to try and make up but they can’t, because this business is too fucking real.

As everyone knows, Evildron looked like a basketball player sized humanesque eagle, but instead of feathers, he was hairy like a wookie, except every so often there really were dark brown and black feathers in his fur. His eyes were always yellow, except when they turned red. He only had two outfits, but they were the exact same as each other: a red hoodie which said “Born To Be Bad Ass’ on the front (he never wore the hood up except when he was sneaking around rich neighborhoods at night) and jeans which were ripped up around the ankles giving an awesome “I don’t give a fuck about fashion!” look to them. Oh, and let’s not forget the neon green with yellow trim sneaks he wore. They even have Velcro instead of laces. He was pure evil.

Evildron was viciously typing away at his keyboard to finish up his latest creation. This had taken so much time to do, because it was his absolute best yet. He was proud of it, and he should be. This was something the Power Rangers had never faced before, and they would surely be frightened by it’s majesty.

“Evildron?” his human college aged assistant, Sloan, called out to him. Sloan was trying to fulfill his doctrine requirements through interning with Evildron. Even though Evildron was an evil asshole, the college recognized how much experience with quantum, mechanical, and biological theory working with him would provide, so they authorized the internship. Sloan wasn’t evil himself, he was just not really liked. He had self diagnosed himself with aspergers syndrome just so he didn’t have to apologize for being a dick. Sloan looked like you’d expect: nerdy glasses, a white lab coat, and stood all of 125 skinny pounds at 5’10”.

“Evildron?” Sloan called out again as he entered into the giant, cavernous area Evildron was busy working at. All around them were test tubes bubbling with who-remembers-what-or-why-in-the-first-place. Small candles flickered and danced, but they were only there for aroma therapy, since the work area was blasted with spot lights anyway.

“What do you want?!” half cawed, half yelled Evildron. He didn’t like to be interrupted, and Sloan was doing just that. Evildron’s voice was a mixture of James Cagney and Piggy from the Power Rangers: SPD story arc.

“Ah! There you are, Evildron. What have you been so busy with?” Sloan asked, looking over Evildron’s shoulders and fixing his glasses. The coding was zipping past his eyes on the screen, until a big green flashing text appeared which read, “FINISHED!!!!!” Evildron laughed maniacally and threw his hands in the air.

“It’s finished! At long last!” Evildron exclaimed, jumping to his feet and rushing over to a metallic archway that looked like it was put together by erector set pieces, “My greatest creation is something the Rangers have never dealt with before!” Sloan squinted, but couldn’t see in the darkness.

“Uh…what is it?” Sloan asked, crossing his arms as he tried to catch a glimpse of whatever was hiding in the veil of dark.

“Oh, you shall see, Sloan! You shall see!” Evildron chuckled as he threw on the lights, “Behold! My greatest creation!” The lights thundered on, one by one, until the magnificent new creation was visible to anyone inside the evil hideout.

“It…it’s a giant dick…” Sloan stated in a very horse almost whisper.

“Of course it is!” Evildron spat out in shock Sloan was even remotely surprised. If you’ve never seen an eagle smile, you’re missing out, because that’s exactly the look on Evildron’s face turned to. The mix of evil and awesome would be too much for any normal mortal to gaze upon.

“Um, I take it this thing is finished?” Sloan asked, blushing bright red. The entire thing was hairless, peach colored, and vein-y as hell.

“Not yet,” Evildron said with a sigh, “As soon as I finish up the balls, we’ll be ready to roll on the Rangers, though.” Stepping closer to Sloan, Evildron put an arm over Sloan’s closest shoulder and leaned in, almost whispering, “Tell me it won’t be fun to see the Rangers knock my junk around.” Sloan’s eyes were the size of dinner plates as he slowly turned to look at Evildron, who was raising what one could call his eyebrows up and down rapidly.

“Oookay…” Sloan said, swallowing hard, feeling very uncomfortable now and stepping back from Evildron, “What do you call a giant dick bot anyway?”

“Well, not a dick bot, obviously!” Evildron howled waiving his hands with anger in the air at such a stupid suggestion, “That would just be stupid! It’s the Remote Access Pilot Enhanced Battle Optomized Tron! The R, A, P, E, B, O, T!” Sloan scratched his chin mumbling for a few moments before he spoke.

“R, A, P, E, B, O, T? Rape Bot?!” Sloan questioned, feeling dizzy.

“IT’S A RAPE BOT!!!!” Evildron screamed while stomping his feet the moment Sloan had finished talking. Sloan was so shocked he actually jumped back because he though Evildron was going to pounce on him. “Now make yourself useful! While I finish construction on the balls, I need you to clean up the rest of it,” Evildron instructed Sloan while picking up a rag and a bucket of water, “It’s been unattended for three days. Polish up the shaft.”
 
 
Back in the Command Center
“That, Alpha 5, is where your baby robots come from,” Zordon informed Alpha 5 and ended his lecture, “Now, please, Alpha 5, scan the city for disturbances. Evildron has been much too quiet lately.”

“Aye, yi, yi, yiiiiii!” Alpha 5 cried out and waddled to the control panel, “That was not as exciting as I expected the story to be, Zordon! I guess robots are just built!”

“Exactly, Alpha 5. Is the city safe?” Zordon asked. Alpha 5 spun around and did a little happy robot jig.

“Yes, Zordon! Everything is just fine right now! I’m going to check in on the Rangers,” Alpha 5 said and activated the viewing globe, which tuned in directly to Jen’s breasts, “Aye, yi, yi, yi, yiiiii!” Zordon laughed and adjusted the viewing globe to show the entire scene at the beach.

Carlos was being a bad ass and surfing like a pro. Nothing in his previous incarnations would have really proven he was a surfer, but when the multiverse collapsed, he seemed to have the ability to shred waves like an epic pro. Dustin was making mad sand sculptures with the help of Tommy. Jen was busy playing volleyball and kicking everyone’s ass as a one person team. Sky, on the other hand, was practicing his yoga on the rocks above the beach, getting in touch with his spiritual side.

“Just one more part to this sculpture, Tommy, and we’ll be finished with a 1:1 reproduction of the Taj Mahal!” Dustin stated excitedly as he filled another bucket with sand.

“Yeah, this is going to be the greatest sand sculpture anyone has even made on this beach. No one beats a Ranger at doing ANYTHING!” Tommy boasted and did a wicked ass spinning jump kick in pride. Seeing Tommy do the spin kick made Dustin drop the bucket and give Tommy a high five for being so damn cool. None of the Rangers worried about having their identities in this collapsed multiverse discovered, so they never tried to hide the fact they were Power Rangers.

“Not bad, Tommy, but you’re no SPD recruit!” Sky taunted to Tommy from his rock. Tommy raised his middle finger up to Sky and just laughed.

“If you’re so awesome, then why were you always just a recruit even as a Ranger?!” Tommy teased back.

“Eat a sack of balls!” Sky shouted down to Tommy in jest as he picked up his yoga equipment and began making his way to everyone. Jen came bounding up next to Tommy just as Carlos was getting out of the water.

“I heard something about a sack of balls and I thought, ‘Yeah, I can get in on that!'” Jen laughed, looking around. Since she didn’t have to worry about Alex anymore, she became a huge slut. Not just any slut, the slut to end all sluts. She wasn’t a total slut about it, though. A thought always in the back of her mind was if Sky was her great, great, great grandpa or not. With the collapse of the multiverse, she couldn’t be sure, so she did her best not to slut him up.

“Hey, guys! Got room for one more bean in this Ranger burrito?!” Carlos jokingly asked, playing on the fact he was Hispanic. That had pretty much become his thing. Jen laughed once when he did it and he never stopped from that day on. They did all think it was pretty funny, though. “Wow! Nice Taj Mahal!” Carlos excitedly stated, looking over it all.

“I’ll say! Seriously, though, did someone mention a sack of balls? I could go for a snack!” Jen exclaimed, licking her lips.

“Here, gra…uh, ma’am,” Sky said, getting a hotdog out of the picnic basket and giving it to her, “This should keep you tied over.” Jen greedily took the hotdog and began to lick it and deep throat it, but gently nibbling it, too. Tommy, Dustin, and Carlos followed the movements of the hotdog with their heads, as well as their eyes. Sky, on the other hand, didn’t know what to think and just slowly backed away. He did, however, bump fists with Carlos, who never took his eyes off Jen manipulating the hotdog. Right when Jen began sliding the hotdog between her boobs, their morphers rang out with a familiar tune.

“Damn it! Right when my taquito was getting crunchy!” Carlos said, kicking sand around. Jen winked at him while sliding the hotdog back into her mouth and took a big bit.

“We read you, Zordon! What’s going on?” Sky asked into the communicator, thankful for the distraction.

“Rangers! We have trouble!” Zordon’s voice echoed out excitedly, “There’s some…well…some dick is trashing downtown!” The Rangers just looked at each other and shrugged. If Zordon thought they were going to take care of something the police should do, he had another thing coming.

“So what? We don’t deal with criminals. Call the cops,” Tommy forcefully said over his communicator. Jen gave him a high five for being so cool.

“Aye, yi, yi, yi, yiiii!” Alpha 5’s voice buzzed over the speakers, “No, Rangers! There literally is a huge dick destroying down town! Like…A PENIS!”

“PENIS?!” Jen excited asked, “We’re on it! Rather, I’ll try to get on it! It’s morphin’ time!” Jen immediately became the pink ranger before anyone else could even react. Jumping up and down excitedly, she begged at the other rangers, “Come on! We can’t let a massive phallus tear up our town and get all dirty, can we?!” With a shrug, the rest of the rangers activated their powers and teleported directly to their Zords.
 
 
Before the Rangers got to the R.A.P.E. B.O.T, Evildron was already high atop a building, watching his creation destroy the town. He couldn’t help but feel the pride every father felt at first sight of their child, except for, you know, those fathers who found out the child their wife delivered didn’t have a remote possibility of being theirs. Sloan was there as well, but he didn’t really want to be. Watching a giant dick flop around down town wasn’t his idea of a good time. Still, he did admire the craftsmanship of the R.A.P.E. B.O.T. Like a chair dildo, it was stiff up until approximately 1/4 of the shaft, at which point it could pivot and swing about wildly, which it used to maximize destruction. The shaft was somehow using the balls to move around almost like a snail, but much faster.

“It certainly is…” Sloan started to say, but trailed off before finishing. Evildron gave that epic eagle smile once again, arms folded and bouncing up and down on the balls of his feet.

“Awesome? Epic? The greatest damn creature you’ve ever seen?” Evildron asked, not really wanting an answer, “Just wait until you see it in combat against those stupid Rangers!” Sloan didn’t know how to reply. He just sat in half awe, half agony as his throat remained dry. A roar in the distance snapped him out of his self induced trance and he looked to the left. That’s when he saw the multiverse version of the Megazord appear! Honestly, the Megazord is so awesome looking, it just cannot be described! So, imagine that!

“Here they are at last! Now my R.A.P.E. B.O.T. will destroy the Rangers, Sloan! Just wait and see,” Evildron told Sloan, punching him in the shoulder. Like a little bitch, Sloan groaned and rubbed his arm, which caused Evildron to punch him two more times while laughing.

Inside the most amazing Megazord of all time, the Rangers were finally able to see what they were about to face. Gasps came from Carlos, Tommy, and Dustin, but a single giddy shriek was heard from Jen, who also started clapping excitedly.

“Whoa! Zordon wasn’t kidding! That is the second biggest dick I’ve ever seen!” Dustin exclaimed, gripping his controls tighter. Everyone went instantly quiet and slowly looked at Dustin, who wasn’t even remotely kidding. No one asked, as this wasn’t the time, however, as to what the absolute biggest dick he had ever seen was.

“We’re going to have our hands full on this one, guys!” Tommy stated.

“That’s what I said!” Jen giggled, licking her lips in her helmet.

“Let’s wrap this up!” Sky shouted, just wanting the conversation and battle to end before it even started.

“Said the condom!” Carlos laughed out while slapping his knee, “We can take care of this no problem!”

“RIGHT!” the other four Rangers shouted out at the same time and pushed the Megazord into a faster speed. Upon reaching the R.A.P.E. B.O.T, they Megazord slammed into it with a force which caused a huge pressure wave to explode around them. The Megazord wrapped its arms around the R.A.P.E. B.O.T. and tried to toss it to the ground, but they only succeeded in making it flop about more. The giant dick repeatedly pounded them in the face, causing them to stagger. Like a cobra, the R.A.P.E. B.O.T. reared back and pointed its purple head directly at them.

“It’s no use! It’s too soft and floppy! It just keeps hitting us in the face!” Dustin cried.

“Now you assholes know how I feel!” Jen shouted to everyone, “Hey?! What’s it doing?!” Everyone turned their attention to the R.A.P.E. B.O.T. as it assumed the new menacing position.

“Yes! Excellent!” Evildron excitedly clapped while jumping up and down, “Do you see that, Sloan? It’s working! They can’t defeat it!” Sloan didn’t answer as he was in too much shock and awe over the entire incident. Suddenly the R.A.P.E. B.O.T. coiled backwards and let loose a spit of slimey goo all over the Megazord’s visual sensors.

“Perfect! Fuck them up by fucking them!” Evildron exclaimed at first, then lowered his voice while rubbing his right nipple in a circle, “Yes…yes, that’s good. That’s good.” Sloan was in a new state of horror as he first watched the R.A.P.E. B.O.T. attack the Rangers and then Evildron rubbing his own nipple. Sloan tried to talk, but he couldn’t.

“Oh my god!” screamed Tommy, “All visual sensors are offline! We’re blind, guys! What are going to do?!”

“Thank goodness the bay doors were closed!” Jen exclaimed, “You don’t want to go into this kind of thing unprotected!” Sky, blushing like crazy, just shook his head.

“Yeah, okay, let’s, uh…let’s think here! I’ve got it!” Sky shouted, “Call in the Super Megazord Flame Sabre!”

“What are you thinking, Sky?” Carlos asked, “This is no time for carne asada or even fajitas, hijo!” Tommy reached over at that point giving Carlos a high five for being so cool at that moment. Carlos felt a huge sense of pride, as any time Tommy treated you as cool, it meant something huge. I mean, Tommy was the definition of “cool”. Fonzy, who?

“There is one weakness to this monster,” Sky said. Before he could continue, Dustin interrupted him.

“You’re right! I think I saw it, too!” Dustin said, snapping is fingers, “It’s uncircumcised!”

“Brilliant, but that’s not what it could be, Dustin,” Jen chimed up, “That dick is circumcised. Trust me, I know!”

“Exactly, Jen! We’re going to attack the balls and if we can’t defeat it completely, we can at least put a hurt on it for a few days! We’ll at least be able to stop the goo attacks by giving it a vasectomy!” Sky said with all the excitement of a man with the best plan ever.

“Good plan, Sky! Let’s do it!” Tommy shouted. Everyone used their morphers to give the Megazord more power as they called upon the Super Megazord Flame Sabre.

“No! What are they doing?! What can they hope to accomplish?!” Evildron started screaming as he saw the flaming sword appear. Watching in terror, Evildron felt sick as he saw the Megazord poke directly into the balls of the R.A.P.E. B.O.T. “No!” Evildron screamed as his creation flailed about, “Retreat! We must retreat!”

“Master, why are we retreating?! I thought we were winning?” Sloan questioned, covering his nose to protect himself from the smell of burning flesh. Evildron grabbed Sloan by his shirt and began shaking him.

“No! They found my master plan’s one weakness! Also, the R.A.P.E. B.O.T. is only really good for two uses a day! Four if we took a week off,” Evildron explained to Sloan, “I took it out for a test drive earlier today. It needs to be rested!”

“Good job, Rangers! I think we definitely hit it!” Tommy congratulated everyone, “While it’s still sore, let’s finish it off!”

“Go, go, Power Rangers!” Carlos, Jen, Sky and Dustin all shouted out. With a mighty stomp, the Megazord stepped directly onto the balls while clearing the visual sensors the best they could. Even though the view from inside the Megazord stung their eyes, the Rangers were finally able to see once again! The R.A.P.E. B.O.T. was flopping around on the ground now, in absolute agony and unable to defend itself from further attack.

“Evildron! Your creation! The…the…” Sloan stuttered, pointing frantically toward the battle, quickly drawing to an end. Raising the Super Megazord Flame Sabre high in the air, the Rangers then repeatedly chopped up R.A.P.E. B.O.T. like a cucumber. Turning their back to it, in the classic “I don’t give a fuck!” pose, the monster exploded behind them in a fireball so large, it killed every human for six blocks in a 360 degree ring.

“No!” screamed Evildron in heartbreak.

“We have to get out of here before they find us!” Sloan cried as he hid against Evildron’s chest.

“Next time, Rangers! Next time!” Evildron screamed as started to fade out.
 
 
That night, the Rangers were having fun at the Angel Bay Crest Grove Booze and Juice bar in celebration of their victory. No one ever seemed to care when people were killed by the explosions of monsters, so the Rangers never thought anything of it either.

“That was a great fight, guys!” Sky said, tipping his red Dixie cup to everyone and slamming back a hard mixed drink.

“Yeah, I’m just glad we made it out of there all okay,” Tommy said, leaning back in his chair, “Not that I had any doubt.”

“If Evildron wants to keep fighting, we’ll keep fighting! No matter where he sends his monsters, we’ll hop to it like a bunch of Mexican jumping beans!” Carlos said with a grin and slammed back two tequila sours in rapid succession.

“Yeah, Evildron doesn’t know anything! If he really had any brains, he wouldn’t have sent a dick monster after us. A pussy would have been better, those things can take a beating!” Jen said, as she begin to suck on a pair of cherries as if she were working balls. Dustin coughed and started choking on his bitch diet drink as Tommy gave Jen a high five, filling her with pride, and making her give him a promising wink.

“So, Dustin,” Tommy started, slapping Dustin on the back, “What is the biggest dick, exactly, that you’ve seen?”


END SCENE! WOW! How awesome is that!? Yeah, I know, that’s the best fucking fan fiction you’ve ever read, isn’t it? I’m sure it’s only a matter of time before this becomes a canonical episode!

How To: Survive Living in a Haunted House


Survive Living in a Haunted House

Most of the time, living in a haunted house is pretty cool. The parties alone are always epic, what with the sudden breaking out into musical numbers to tunes such as Day-o by Banana Boat, to being randomly thrown around the room violently all against your will. For kids parties, that’s just awesome. Even with all the fun to be had, there are some steps you must take in order to ensure a happy union of home owner and ghost, lest you end up upsetting the spirit(s) and having your dream home turn into a nightmare.

This guide is going to give you some basic instructions on how to deal with living in a haunted house. While not an all inclusive guide, by the end of this guide you will have a decent understanding on how to have a reasonably quiet home.


1. Make sure the house is haunted
Before you even begin to make life awesome by living in a haunted house, make sure you actually have a haunted house. 8 out of 10 times what is being experienced can be explained away. There are a couple of ways for you to figure out if your house is haunted. I’m going to list a few, and if you have more than one of these occurring and also have more than one person reporting them, chances are high you have a ghost.

  1. Cupboards and doors opening or closing by themselves forcefully
  2. Footsteps when no one is walking
  3. Animals are staring at nothing / Growling at nothing / Chase nothing
  4. Electronics are turning on/off by themselves, but don’t have a remote control nor timer
  5. Banging on walls or windows
  6. Bed shaking
  7. Random shadows moving of their own accord
  8. Muted voices which may or may not be having a conversation or whispering your name
  9. Smell of unknown origin which may or may not be pleasant
  10. Feeling as though you’ve walked into, or had draped over you, spider webs
  11. Cold spots which move on their own
  12. Feeling of heaviness in areas which move on their own
  13. Items disappearing and/or moving on their own

If you have more than one of those things occurring in your home, chances are you have a ghost! Should you want to be validated, contact a local ghost hunting organization in your area. The ones on TV are usually booked solid, so you’ll want anyone else. Mediums, who are usually rather large, will be willing to check out your home for a price, but never, ever pay for an investigation.
 
 
2. Why your house may be haunted
There are several reasons for actually having a haunted house. While many theories abound, no one is actually 100% certain as to why. Some hold if a person has a tragic or sudden death, the soul hangs around. Another belief is if someone dies with unfinished business, they will try to get that goal accomplished in the after life before moving on. Others believe there are more scientific reasons behind it. Here’s a few theories and explanation as to why it’s believed.

i. Limestone and quartz deposits with running water
This here is one of the scientific reasons. Quartz is used in many electronic devices and is known to hold information, just like a computer hard drive. When it is combined with limestone and running water, high with minerals, is rubbed along it, the information is released, much like a movie projector.

ii. Someone died in your home…or close to it
Obviously if someone died in your home, they aren’t going to leave. After all, it was their home before yours. If it was someone who died in your house after you bought it, well…just try kicking them out now.

Should you have a ghost of someone, or a few different people, come into your home because they died near by, take it as a compliment! They like your drape and carpet scheme.

iii. They are attracted to you
You sexy thing, you.
 
 
3. Understanding the dynamics of a haunted house
Once you’ve decided your house is haunted, it’s time to start understanding it. There are many different things which happen in a haunted house and each of them are caused by very interesting anomalies. Even though these things are paranormal, there is an explanation for each one.

A. Banging/Knocks
These are some of the most common phenomena to occur in a haunted house. Often times the banging is happening because a ghost wants to communicate. Other times it’s because the ghost is trapped in the walls. A ghost trapped in the walls is reasonably pissed off and wants to get out.

B. Opening doors
Even though ghosts can pass through solid objects, they sometimes forget. The doors open because they are trying to copy you, much like your dog just wants to be part of your “pack”.

C. Cold spots
An incorrect belief is cold spots is caused by ghosts pulling energy from the area around them to manifest. Truth is, a cold spot is caused by a ghost farting. Sometimes you’ll even hear them ask, “Ya’ smell that?” Mist is often times a visual cue of a ghost fart!

D. Being pulled out of your bed
Don’t be afraid of this. Ghosts are like an invisible alarm clock, but they experience time differently. Think of this like a cat trying to tell you it’s time to eat.

E. Feeling compelled to do something
Have you ever been in the front room and suddenly thought, “Hey, I should go to the bathroom!” Only…you didn’t actually need to? Yep, that’s the ghost telling you to do it in order to make you see something having to do with ghosts. Sometimes you get what is known as “ghost turds”. That’s where you know you took a dump, there’s poop on the paper, but there’s no turd in the toilet.

F. Being scratched, pushed, pulled, or hit
Ghosts are assholes.
 
 
4. Activities ghosts will do
Ghosts are known to do a lot of different things. This guide has already listed a few of them, but that’s not all. Some of the activities ghosts partake in will seem strange to you and no one is certain as to why they do them. Here’s a small sample of what to expect from ghosts do for fun while hanging out in your home.

  • Spooky noises
    Ghosts will fly or walk around making spooky noises. This is the most classic of all ghost activities. They’re probably doing this for fun and are trying to scare you. Remember, every day is Halloween for ghosts!

  • Read books
    Perhaps the most confusing things ghosts do for fun is read books. They really like The Bible.

  • Throw raging keggers
    Ghosts like to party. When they aren’t drinking enough to kill a living person, they are usually getting high as fuck.

  • Hide and go seek
    Ghosts aren’t always around, and when they aren’t, they’re playing Hide and Go Seek with you. At times they’ll play this game with your keys, so if you can’t find them, chances are a ghost is making you find them for their amusement. When you’ve had enough, simply yell “Olly olly oxen free!” They’ll know the game is over for this match and return your item or come out of hiding.

  • Dance around in your underwear
    Why? Who knows, but ghost love your dirty underwear and will dance around all night in them.

 
5. Communicating with the ghost(s)
Ghosts don’t liked to be ignored…I mean, who does? Well, besides that strange dude who goes through your garbage at 1A.M. Seriously, though…what’s up with that asshole? It’s like, come on, I know you’re doing it. You’re not being that quiet or anything. If you want scraps, just say something and I may be nice enough to help out. The soup kitchen is open until 4A.M. Wait…why am I writing to you here? You don’t have internet access…

I. Ouija boards
These are like telephones, but for ghosts. Ouija boards are completely safe and fun! These can be used by anyone without any kind of worry what so ever! These are also known as angel boards, talking board, witch dialer, demon callers, and Satan’s cookbook. The last name there is a translation and something of the poetic nature was lost in the English words.

II. Just talking
Ever wonder why we tell ghost stories around the camp fire? That’s because ghosts like a nice fire side chat. So do actors. Just start chatting it up and wait for replies.

III. Automatic writing
I don’t mean like in the story Tommy Knockers by Stephen King. Automatic writing is where you close your eyes and suddenly you’ve written something in writing which isn’t your own. All you need to do is grab something to write with and then ask some questions.

IV. Polaroids
Yep, for some reason ghosts like to write on Polaroid pictures. No one quite knows why, but if there are ghosts present, they will write something out in Latin and maybe Welsh.

V. Special ghost phone
Nokia is currently in development of a special phone designed to talk directly to the dead. Be careful, though, the auto correct with the text messaging can really piss a ghost off!
 
 
6. Appeasing the ghost(s)
Many cultures have different ways of keeping ghosts happy. If the spirit(s) in your home are upset, then don’t expect to have a happy home. Unlike what Nintendo would have you believe, you cannot simply vacuum a ghost up! Since we are a few years away from having a working unlicensed positron accelerator packs available for a reasonable retail price, the best we can do is appease them. Here’s a few ways to make that happen.

/. Worship
Sometimes a spirit just wants to be worshiped. Just do it. I mean, it’s not like the Christian God said not to do that. Right?

/\. Leave offerings of food and/or tobacco
The Chinese believe if they leave feasts laying about randomly, wayward spirits will be appeased. Hell, I know if someone kept leaving me free Chinese food I’d be pleased as hell! Chinese food is awesome.

Tobacco is a personal call. I know plenty of people who enjoy a nice pipe, a relaxing cigarette, or a smooth cigar. For the modern age, leave out a freshly wrapped fatty. Ghosts love to get high, remember? Just make sure it’s legal where you are. If it’s not, don’t let the cops know about it. They’re not going to believe it’s for your ghost.

/\|. Sacrifice your pets
Your pets are always annoying your ghost, which is why your pets are always freaking out. Sad but true, you’re going to have to get rid of your pets. Selling them isn’t good enough. Nope, you need to ritually sacrifice your pets to the spirit(s) haunting your home. The more you love your pet before you kill it, the happier the ghost(s) will be and, in return, the happier you’ll be in your home.

Doing the same thing with your children yields even better results, but requires much more time and effort to do. Just stick with the pets.

/\|/. Have sex
Ghosts are not only assholes, but huge perverts. Now, one of the good things is if your spouse turns out to possessed, they may be possessed by a famous person. How cool would it be to learn about history from Abraham Lincoln while simultaneously nailing your loved one? It’s like a ménage à trois with no risk of after cheating because it’s your spouse’s body! “Four score, and I’m about to cum!”

Ghosts will always be watching you have sex. They may or may not participate, but they will be watching. Just be prepared for the occasional ghost pinky in your butthole. At least…they’ll say it’s a pinky…
 
 
7. Getting rid of your ghost(s)
Why would you do this? There’s no reason to. Besides, there is no getting rid of them. You’ll have to move. Oh, but sometimes they move with you.


So there you have it! An easy guide to survive living in a haunted house. Now you know…and knowing is like five tenths the battle!

My GTA online Character Diary #3

Originally posted on Inside the mind of Wyldfyre1:

Dear Diary,

I was at the Airport with my friend Sunrie today and we were pretty much messing around. Driving around the air port. I Thought i would be kinda funny and poured a lot of gasoline around an airplane to perhaps set it on fire. Yeah, I can be quite the firebug when I wanna be but the cops don’t seem to care unless something explodes so why does it matter?

Anyway, I had noticed that the actual stream of gasoline was really close to my buddy’s motorcycle. Well I shot it hoping to blow up the plane and Sunrie realized his bike was on fire. All i could hear was “OH MY GOD!” as he drives off quickly hoping that the wind would put out the fire. All i could see in the distance was fire moving quickly and then I hear “stop, drop, and roll” from the…

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Real Life Trolling: Includes an actual bridge


Working in a restaurant can suck. Unlike in the movies, it isn’t the constant bed swap with everyone who works there. Sure, that happens, but it’s not one blur of an orgy I’d like it to be. There’s the long hours, little pay, and you always go home smelling like you rolled around in every mix of spice before deep frying yourself. Luckily, anytime someone wants any “thing” to relax, one person or another has it. Granted, it’s not all bad. Even for a cook.

Just so you guys remember, I’m in pretty good shape, but I chain smoke, and like to drink my beer as if it were grape Kool-Aide in south central Los Angeles. In other words, I down that shit like I had to keep my veins filled. I’ve got plenty of tattoos and a naturally sour disposition, so working in the restaurant is just perfect for me. The staff is generally as bitter as I am, but we like to have our fun by teasing each other.

If you’ve ever worked in a restaurant before, you know how there are certain rituals/routines you do, especially the late shift. My routine consisted of grabbing a 24 pack of cheap beer and meeting with the rest of the closers under a bridge crossing over the city river. We hang out, drink, make out, get high, and at least one “couple” gets a fuck or two in. It’s a great way to blow off steam, and generally speaking, no one bothers us since no one ever goes down there. Hell, we’re not even supposed to be down there, but whatever. Fuck the pigs. They would never be able to chase us all down, anyway.

Well on this particular night I was going to end up being alone. Most of the closing shift was also going to open, and those who didn’t either had class the next morning or other plans. “Fuck it,” I thought to myself, “No reason to waste a perfectly good spring night, right?” So, I took my beer and headed to the hang out spot, tucked myself up under the bridge, pulled my bandana lower on my brow, lit up a cigarette and cracked open a beer. I relished that beer. The dinner service was a night bred by the unholy sexcapade between the Twilight Zone and Satan’s asshole. I’m not kidding…it was odd, hot, and annoying. I closed my eyes, taking a long drag and slowly exhaled, imagining the smoke itself was all of the stress for the day…no, the god damn week escaping my body. As tranquility and the start of a buzz slowly began to set over me, as at this time I was eight beers in, my peace was disturbed by one of the most annoying sounds I have ever heard.

Have you ever heard SpongeBob SquarePants laugh, but with an odd Boston accent followed by guffaws belched out by retarded hicks trying to sound like they are 50 Cent? Be glad you haven’t, because my blood pressure instantly raised. The fact I hadn’t realized they were coming to my location wasn’t annoying enough, their laughing and voices did. Their echoed cackles off the concrete pierced my ears like a thousand rusty nails making it impossible, for the moment, for me to hear what they then continued to chatter on about. I remained in my perch, waiting for them to say something to me as they came under the bridge, but they didn’t. Instead, they stopped directly next to the edge of the concrete ledge and sat down. I realized at that moment, they had no idea I was there. So, I stayed quiet, and sipped on my beer.

Just so you know, the concrete spillway, which everyone called a river, was normally pretty close to empty. Thanks to an unusual amount of seasonal rain, the water was only about two feet below the edge. The water looked cold, but was obviously not flowing very fast…at least noticeably on the surface. I’m sure there was some undertow at work, but I’m not a fucking water scientist, so I don’t know. I’d just assume the water would be uncomfortable to swim in.

When my ears regained the ability to hear sounds again, I learned their names. Well, I kind of did. The obvious leader of the pack was named Chuck. The only reason I know this is because his little rat friend kept calling him “Chuck”. I’m not kidding…it was “Chuck” this and “Chuck” that, and “Okay, Chuck!” there, and “That’s funny, Chuck!” here. One thing was immediately obvious to me: I hated Chuck with all of my being. He was a huge piece of shit who got off on the little bit of power he had over that little rat faced punk and the girl. The douche bag wore a mostly white wife beater. The reason I say “mostly” is due to the yellow marks under the arm holes, which could be seen even in the terrible light provided by the over head street lamps. He accented the high taste in clothing by wearing pants sagged below his ass, where his red and blue stripped boxer shorts were visible. For shoes? Flip flops. Yeah…

The girl, who had an obvious red dye job and wore a tank top two sizes too tight and cut off shorts three sizes too small, was named “Bitch”. I don’t know if that was her actual name, but it’s all Chuck ever called her. The little rat faced bastard never referred to her as anything. She was also the source of the most offensively stereotypical Boston accent I had ever heard. At first I thought she was just pretending, but the more she talked the more I realized it never changed. Her voice always sucked, and almost the only thing she did was tell Chuck how great he was or repeat something he said, followed by that fucking SpongeBob laugh. If she wasn’t with these two dumb asses and didn’t have that voice, I’d have been more than happy to ruin her plumbing. That voice, though…eesh. The mere thought of her sex screams with that voice kept my penis softer than a feather.

Oh, and last but not least was Steve, also known as “dumb fuck / twat / dip shit / retard / faggot”, according to Chuck. “Bitch” was the only one to ever call him Steve, so I figure that was his God given name, not Chuck’s nicknames for him. From what I could tell, this kid was a bit younger than both Chuck and “Bitch”, but he was obviously smarter than both combined. What he was doing with both of them, I don’t know, but he always made sure not to correct Chuck or “Bitch” at any point during the conversation. Several times he had the look on his face which could be read as, “That’s…not right…but he’s the leader and she’s fucking him so I’ll be quiet!” Hell, he even dressed what I could consider “normal”. Because of his submissiveness, however, I hated him almost as much as Chuck, but not quite as much as “Bitch”…by a hair.

Yes, I had briefly thought about leaving, but since they didn’t know I was there, I figured there was no point. Over the course of about an hour, I drank the rest of my beer and watched the spectacle of the bottom of the gene pool in front of me. These geniuses discussed everything from the uber important “faggot ass cops” to “just print more money”. To say I was in awe would be an overstatement. It’s when Chuck announced he had to “take a mean fucking piss” things got interesting. Instead of going elsewhere, Chuck stood straight up, dropped his pants around his ankles, and began to pee into the water. At least at first.

See, Chuck was proving he was a big boy. With his hands on his hips, Chuck leaned backwards while pissing and let out this, “Argh wahahahahah argh!” Both Steve and “Bitch” laughed and cheered him on. In a move taken straight out of a German porn, Chuck turned toward Steve and began pissing on him. Steve did his best to block the stream from his face, but it wasn’t very effective. Whipping to the side, Chuck then began to piss on “Bitch”. Surprisingly, “Bitch” did nothing to get out of the way. Apparently she was used to being marked as territory, because she just laughed. I had enough at this point. It was time to take action.

I became a man with a mission. Deeply sucking in the last of my cigarette, I blew it out like a steam powered train before pulling my bandana over my mouth like a wild west bandit. I charged down the little hill towards them. They were still completely oblivious to my presence. I had the element of surprise!

For no reason I can fathom, perhaps fueled by my increasing inebriation, as I neared them I screamed out, “COBRA!!!!!” I was possessed by the 1980’s cartoon G.I. Joe enemies, guided by the dark hand of Cobra commander. Again, I don’t know why, but it just felt so right. It also had the desired effect of scaring the shit out of all three of them. I mean, three wannabe wiggers hanging out under a bridge at two in the morning suddenly being charged by a man in a bandana over his face is scary shit.

Chuck spun around in fear, the last bit of piss soaking his boxers and pants. He tried in vain to reach down in order to pull his pants up, but I was too fast. I jumped in the air and, using both knees against his upper body while pushing his head back with my arms, I knocked Chuck into the water. His, “WHAT THE FUCK!” was cut short as he hit the water hard. “Bitch” managed to stand and begin to run, but my main focus was Steve at this point, who was trying to scramble to his feet. I grabbed Steve by a fist full of hair, punched him in the ribs, and then threw him into the water as well, right next to Chuck. Before I could admire my work for too long, I realized “Bitch” was getting away. Like the mighty toro, I charged after her, cocked my hand back, and smacked her so hard on the ass I literally knocked her off her feet. She got a good foot or so of air as she grabbed her backside and screamed about her ass as she hit the floor. The funniest part about cracking her on the ass that hard, besides the extremely loud echo from the impact of my hand on her little butt, was how she screamed. Her accent made it sound something akin to, “Moyi awwss!”

Laughing, I beat back in the other direction, and saw Chuck desperately trying to get out of the water, but failing to do so due to his pants keeping him from pulling himself up. Steve, however, showed that small sign of intelligence and swam down stream a few yards where the ledge was shorter. It was a sign of independence and thought which would no doubt get him a severe beating by Chuck later, since Chuck saw Steve getting out of the water and began swimming his direction. Just as Steve got out of the water completely, I body slammed him back into the water, right on top of Chuck’s head. I continued to laugh as I ran towards the exit and my car. The entire time, I could hear Chuck screaming how he was going to find me and murder my family. Good luck with that buddy.

The moment I got in my car, I heard sirens in the distance. I am certain they weren’t coming for us, but I wanted to take no chances, and floored my Impala as hard as I could. That rebuilt LT1 growled to life as my tires smoked before gaining traction. All the way home I laughed. It was the best sleep and time under that bridge I had in a long time…and that includes all the fucking I had done there previously.

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NC sheriff urges residents to arm themselves

Sunrie:

Even the cops say you need to arm yourself

Originally posted on myfox8.com:

LILLINGTON, N.C. — The Harnett County sheriff expressed concern Monday evening about a recent spike of violent crime, and he’s even told residents to start arming themselves.

WTVD-TV reported that more than 100 people packed the sanctuary of the Spring Hill United methodist Church Monday Night for a community meeting on crime. There has been an explosion of violence and crime in the area, especially in the last few weeks.

Sheriff Larry Rollins told the crowd that the violence is fueled by gangs and drugs. He urged everyone to protect themselves, saying he doesn’t go anywhere without a gun.

“When I am out with my family, even though I am a cop, I don’t go anywhere without a gun,” Rollins told the crowd. “I mean it’s sad we have to have that attitude, but I am going to protect myself and my family. I want my deputies at your house…

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Helping Parents Understand Their Gamer Child


Does your child play a lot of videgames and you just can’t seem to connect to them? Are you attempting to understand games more so you can relate? Is your intention to understand the “videogame culture”? Well, you’ve come to the right place. My intention for this entry is to help parents, and others, how to understand the niche world of videogames. You’ll learn how to understand the Entertainment Software Rating Board (ESRB) and the different terminology used in reference to different things having to do with videogames.

Entertainment Software Rating Board (ESRB)
We’ll start off with one of the most confusing, complicated, and worthless of information: the ESRB.

The ESRB is a board of random people who volunteer, much like the Motion Picture Association of America (MPAA). Developers submit their game to the board and, based off a list of items, decide what the game will be rated at. While there is no law mandating a game be submitted to be ESRB, just like no law requires an MPAA rating for a movie, most “brick-and-mortar” retailers will not carry videogames without one.

On the back of every game is the ESRB rating.

Unlike the MPAA, the ESRB is a confusing system. See, while the MPAA is very obvious with ratings such as G, PG, PG-13, NC-17 (same as an R rating…so….), R, and X/XX/XX with no additional information as to why these are rated the way they are, the ESRB not only puts the rating on the box such as E (everyone), E10+, T (teen), M (mature), and AO (Adult Only), they also put all the reasons why a game is rated the way it is.

So much information is always confusing. I mean, how can you understand a game rating when it says E10+ and lists comedic violence, animated blood, and crude humor as well? Shouldn’t it just be like the MPAA where a rating is given with no explanation? After all, an R rating is an R rating with no difference between movies. The 40 Year Old Virgin is the same R rating as The Expendables, so they are obviously rated R for the same reasons.

Actually…just ignore the rating system all together. It’s worthless. Buy any game you want and never ask questions.
 
 
General Slang
Gamers use a lot of slang in reference to many things in the culture. While some slang is similar to words used by the vast majority of others, the meanings are not the same. It is important to remember that. Also, this is not an all inclusive list. What I have here are the most important ones.

Gamer
The term “gamer” is hotly debated amongst the gaming community. Some people argue the fact someone plays any videogame makes them a gamer, that is not the accepted definition. The general consensus on the term “gamer” is the following:

Any person who’s main hobby is playing a wide variety of videogame genres in lieu of other activities

So, if your child only plays Skylanders, they aren’t a gamer, they are just playing a game. If your child is only playing Call of Duty: Ghosts, not only do they have poor choices in games, they are not a gamer, they just play a game.

FPS
Said as the individual letters, this one is another confusing term. If the game in question has to do with shooting brown people until they stop moving, then it means “First Person Shooter”. If FPS is in reference to how well the game is running, it means “Frames Per Second”.

Clan
Not to be confused with the Klan (KKK), a clan is a group of players who play together either for fun or competition against other clans. This is a micro-community within the minor-community (game specific). If your child has a small series of letters, between three and four, before their gaming name, chances are they are part of a clan.

This is all healthy and expected among many players in certain types of games. FPS, for example, have a heavy reliance on clans. So do massive multiplayer online (detailed further down) games. Don’t worry, there have only been sixteen recorded instances of mass suicides in regards to gaming clans.

MMO
It’s not a sound a cow makes! Just like FPS, this is said as the individual letters and means “massive multiplayer online”. Generally these games are role-playing games set in a fantasy or science fiction universe.

Most of the appeal of an MMO comes from pretending you’re a strong/important person if you’re worthless, pretending you’re a female when you’re a male, and pretending you’re an underage girl if you’re the FBI. For some people, the allure of interaction with others without any of the actual interaction is a draw. As for the games…they consist of running from town to a far off area, collecting something, bringing it back, and doing so for the next 300 hours all for a $15 a month price tag just to play.

Lag
Lag is a massive delay in what is happening in the game to what you are seeing. It’s also known as “God damn fucking bullshit / Fuck this shit / What the fuck / Fucking lag / I’ll fucking kill these fucking fuckholes”.

Lag is to gaming what Colorado drivers are to the road: Ruins the experience of being there.

Gamer Specific Slang
Now on to more specific gamer slang. Just like before, this is not an all inclusive list, and is just a list to help you on your way.

Noob
Someone who is new and is terrible at the game. Noobs can make a team lose by the simple act of being present on the team. There are even times when people have tens of hours into a game and they are still noobs.

Ignore anyone calling someone a noob because they are using a certain strategy which is working against them. They’re idiots.

Squeaker
A young child who’s voice sounds like a dog’s squeaking toy every time they open their mouths, making people’s ears figuratively, and sometimes actually, bleed. No one likes a squeaker. If your child hasn’t gone through puberty yet, take the microphone away from them. Chances are, they’re just calling people niggers anyway.

Bear
Bears are people who like to focus on MMO’s. Regardless of what character type and gender a person is playing, if they play MMO’s as their main form of videogame entertainment, they are a bear.

There are different kinds of bears, too:

  • Brown Bear
    -Someone who enjoys playing as an animal tamer

  • Black Bear
    -Someone who enjoys playing as a girl when they’re a boy

  • Sticky Bear
    -Someone who enjoys playing as a boy when they’re a girl

  • Honey Bear
    -Someone who enjoys playing as a thief

  • Golden Bear
    -FBI pretending to be an underage girl

Should your child like to dress up as a bear, they aren’t a “bear” in the gamer sense…they’re a “fur fag”, which is totally different.

Faggot
Remember when I said some words are similar, but have different meanings? This is one of them! The word faggot refers to anyone who is cheating in the game. Usually when asked, “What is wrong?” after hearing someone screaming about “This fucking faggot!!!”, they will say, “Someone’s hacking!” Hacking and cheating are pretty much the same thing, and faggot means someone doing either of them.

When used in the gaming culture, faggot does not have anything to do with homosexuality. Gamers don’t care if another gamer is gay, only if they are black. This is why the word nigger means exactly the same thing, but faggot does not. FOR SOME REASON, GAMERS HATE BLACK PEOPLE.

Power Top
Players in an FPS can be extremely aggressive. While not abnormal, the most aggressive and in charge players are known as “power tops”.

Power tops generally want to always be number one in the game, be the reason their team was rallied to victory, and lead the squad or team. A power top will be the one most likely pointing out the faggots, yelling at the noobs, and calling out people for simply sucking badly. If your child exhibits these behaviors, chances are they are a power top and will appreciate being called one.
 
 
What You Can do to Get in With Your Kid
Kids crave attention, and if they aren’t getting it from you, they’re going to get it from the guy the FBI is trying to catch.

At the very least you should watch them from a distance at first. As you learn more about their gaming habits, you can start to encroach a little more each time. Eventually you’ll want to be sitting down with them and either just watch them or play.

As you slowly make your way into their world, make references to how they are a power top, or a bear, or how the faggots are ruining the game for them. It goes a long way to a gamer when a parent shows understanding and interest in their hobbies. They don’t expect you to join them, they just want your acceptance.

If you do decide to join them, however, you’re in for a treat! The easiest way to do so in get on a gaming console and become their friend under a gaming alias. Gaming as a family provides hours of entertainment and valuable family time. If you do go the alias route, only reveal yourself when you feel they’re ready.

If You Decide You Like Gaming
Gaming is as addictive as highly refined cocaine, some psychologists want you believe, so caution must be taken. There are many tales of people losing their minds and lives mid game for reasons science is still researching.

One case in point is of the woman to the right. Her name is Alexandra Tobias and she is serving six life sentences for the mutilation of her three year old daughter. Alexandra was so lost in the fantasy of playing Dig Dug, she lost all hold of reality. Taking a rubber hose, she put it into her daughter’s mouth and blew her up like a balloon. The scene was so devastating and grotesque, several first responders committed suicide just days after witnessing it.

Another case is James Rolf. What happened? Well, James Rolf was so obsessed with beating the game Dr. Jykell and Mr. Hyde he wouldn’t eat, sleep or bathe. Finally, after a two week marathon of gaming, he dropped dead from exhaustion, only two screens from his goal.
 
 
Conclusion
Watch yourself and start getting some time with your child. If you can manage the addictive nature of the gaming, you’re in for a long life of happiness!

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Hickenlooper clarifies remarks to sheriffs: ‘I’d sign the magazine ban again’

Sunrie:

Time to fire this fuck!

Originally posted on kdvr.com:

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DENVER — Under fire from both Republicans and Democrats over his effort to appease a group of Colorado’s sheriffs still steamed about the state’s new gun laws, Gov. John Hickenlooper said Friday that he hasn’t changed his tune and still supports the controversial ban on high-capacity magazines.

In his first interview on the subject, Hickenlooper told FOX31 Denver that he wasn’t aware he was being filmed last Friday during a meeting with the sheriffs in Aspen when he appeared to backpedal on the magazine ban, agreeing with one sheriff that it was unenforceable and telling the group that he didn’t expect the legislation to even make it to his desk.

The remarks, he said Friday, were an effort to apologize to sheriffs who felt their voices weren’t heard during last year’s legislative process, not a disavowal of the magazine ban itself.

“I didn’t say it’s unenforceable, I…

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