How To: Survive Living in a Haunted House


Survive Living in a Haunted House

Most of the time, living in a haunted house is pretty cool. The parties alone are always epic, what with the sudden breaking out into musical numbers to tunes such as Day-o by Banana Boat, to being randomly thrown around the room violently all against your will. For kids parties, that’s just awesome. Even with all the fun to be had, there are some steps you must take in order to ensure a happy union of home owner and ghost, lest you end up upsetting the spirit(s) and having your dream home turn into a nightmare.

This guide is going to give you some basic instructions on how to deal with living in a haunted house. While not an all inclusive guide, by the end of this guide you will have a decent understanding on how to have a reasonably quiet home.


1. Make sure the house is haunted
Before you even begin to make life awesome by living in a haunted house, make sure you actually have a haunted house. 8 out of 10 times what is being experienced can be explained away. There are a couple of ways for you to figure out if your house is haunted. I’m going to list a few, and if you have more than one of these occurring and also have more than one person reporting them, chances are high you have a ghost.

  1. Cupboards and doors opening or closing by themselves forcefully
  2. Footsteps when no one is walking
  3. Animals are staring at nothing / Growling at nothing / Chase nothing
  4. Electronics are turning on/off by themselves, but don’t have a remote control nor timer
  5. Banging on walls or windows
  6. Bed shaking
  7. Random shadows moving of their own accord
  8. Muted voices which may or may not be having a conversation or whispering your name
  9. Smell of unknown origin which may or may not be pleasant
  10. Feeling as though you’ve walked into, or had draped over you, spider webs
  11. Cold spots which move on their own
  12. Feeling of heaviness in areas which move on their own
  13. Items disappearing and/or moving on their own

If you have more than one of those things occurring in your home, chances are you have a ghost! Should you want to be validated, contact a local ghost hunting organization in your area. The ones on TV are usually booked solid, so you’ll want anyone else. Mediums, who are usually rather large, will be willing to check out your home for a price, but never, ever pay for an investigation.
 
 
2. Why your house may be haunted
There are several reasons for actually having a haunted house. While many theories abound, no one is actually 100% certain as to why. Some hold if a person has a tragic or sudden death, the soul hangs around. Another belief is if someone dies with unfinished business, they will try to get that goal accomplished in the after life before moving on. Others believe there are more scientific reasons behind it. Here’s a few theories and explanation as to why it’s believed.

i. Limestone and quartz deposits with running water
This here is one of the scientific reasons. Quartz is used in many electronic devices and is known to hold information, just like a computer hard drive. When it is combined with limestone and running water, high with minerals, is rubbed along it, the information is released, much like a movie projector.

ii. Someone died in your home…or close to it
Obviously if someone died in your home, they aren’t going to leave. After all, it was their home before yours. If it was someone who died in your house after you bought it, well…just try kicking them out now.

Should you have a ghost of someone, or a few different people, come into your home because they died near by, take it as a compliment! They like your drape and carpet scheme.

iii. They are attracted to you
You sexy thing, you.
 
 
3. Understanding the dynamics of a haunted house
Once you’ve decided your house is haunted, it’s time to start understanding it. There are many different things which happen in a haunted house and each of them are caused by very interesting anomalies. Even though these things are paranormal, there is an explanation for each one.

A. Banging/Knocks
These are some of the most common phenomena to occur in a haunted house. Often times the banging is happening because a ghost wants to communicate. Other times it’s because the ghost is trapped in the walls. A ghost trapped in the walls is reasonably pissed off and wants to get out.

B. Opening doors
Even though ghosts can pass through solid objects, they sometimes forget. The doors open because they are trying to copy you, much like your dog just wants to be part of your “pack”.

C. Cold spots
An incorrect belief is cold spots is caused by ghosts pulling energy from the area around them to manifest. Truth is, a cold spot is caused by a ghost farting. Sometimes you’ll even hear them ask, “Ya’ smell that?” Mist is often times a visual cue of a ghost fart!

D. Being pulled out of your bed
Don’t be afraid of this. Ghosts are like an invisible alarm clock, but they experience time differently. Think of this like a cat trying to tell you it’s time to eat.

E. Feeling compelled to do something
Have you ever been in the front room and suddenly thought, “Hey, I should go to the bathroom!” Only…you didn’t actually need to? Yep, that’s the ghost telling you to do it in order to make you see something having to do with ghosts. Sometimes you get what is known as “ghost turds”. That’s where you know you took a dump, there’s poop on the paper, but there’s no turd in the toilet.

F. Being scratched, pushed, pulled, or hit
Ghosts are assholes.
 
 
4. Activities ghosts will do
Ghosts are known to do a lot of different things. This guide has already listed a few of them, but that’s not all. Some of the activities ghosts partake in will seem strange to you and no one is certain as to why they do them. Here’s a small sample of what to expect from ghosts do for fun while hanging out in your home.

  • Spooky noises
    Ghosts will fly or walk around making spooky noises. This is the most classic of all ghost activities. They’re probably doing this for fun and are trying to scare you. Remember, every day is Halloween for ghosts!

  • Read books
    Perhaps the most confusing things ghosts do for fun is read books. They really like The Bible.

  • Throw raging keggers
    Ghosts like to party. When they aren’t drinking enough to kill a living person, they are usually getting high as fuck.

  • Hide and go seek
    Ghosts aren’t always around, and when they aren’t, they’re playing Hide and Go Seek with you. At times they’ll play this game with your keys, so if you can’t find them, chances are a ghost is making you find them for their amusement. When you’ve had enough, simply yell “Olly olly oxen free!” They’ll know the game is over for this match and return your item or come out of hiding.

  • Dance around in your underwear
    Why? Who knows, but ghost love your dirty underwear and will dance around all night in them.

 
5. Communicating with the ghost(s)
Ghosts don’t liked to be ignored…I mean, who does? Well, besides that strange dude who goes through your garbage at 1A.M. Seriously, though…what’s up with that asshole? It’s like, come on, I know you’re doing it. You’re not being that quiet or anything. If you want scraps, just say something and I may be nice enough to help out. The soup kitchen is open until 4A.M. Wait…why am I writing to you here? You don’t have internet access…

I. Ouija boards
These are like telephones, but for ghosts. Ouija boards are completely safe and fun! These can be used by anyone without any kind of worry what so ever! These are also known as angel boards, talking board, witch dialer, demon callers, and Satan’s cookbook. The last name there is a translation and something of the poetic nature was lost in the English words.

II. Just talking
Ever wonder why we tell ghost stories around the camp fire? That’s because ghosts like a nice fire side chat. So do actors. Just start chatting it up and wait for replies.

III. Automatic writing
I don’t mean like in the story Tommy Knockers by Stephen King. Automatic writing is where you close your eyes and suddenly you’ve written something in writing which isn’t your own. All you need to do is grab something to write with and then ask some questions.

IV. Polaroids
Yep, for some reason ghosts like to write on Polaroid pictures. No one quite knows why, but if there are ghosts present, they will write something out in Latin and maybe Welsh.

V. Special ghost phone
Nokia is currently in development of a special phone designed to talk directly to the dead. Be careful, though, the auto correct with the text messaging can really piss a ghost off!
 
 
6. Appeasing the ghost(s)
Many cultures have different ways of keeping ghosts happy. If the spirit(s) in your home are upset, then don’t expect to have a happy home. Unlike what Nintendo would have you believe, you cannot simply vacuum a ghost up! Since we are a few years away from having a working unlicensed positron accelerator packs available for a reasonable retail price, the best we can do is appease them. Here’s a few ways to make that happen.

/. Worship
Sometimes a spirit just wants to be worshiped. Just do it. I mean, it’s not like the Christian God said not to do that. Right?

/\. Leave offerings of food and/or tobacco
The Chinese believe if they leave feasts laying about randomly, wayward spirits will be appeased. Hell, I know if someone kept leaving me free Chinese food I’d be pleased as hell! Chinese food is awesome.

Tobacco is a personal call. I know plenty of people who enjoy a nice pipe, a relaxing cigarette, or a smooth cigar. For the modern age, leave out a freshly wrapped fatty. Ghosts love to get high, remember? Just make sure it’s legal where you are. If it’s not, don’t let the cops know about it. They’re not going to believe it’s for your ghost.

/\|. Sacrifice your pets
Your pets are always annoying your ghost, which is why your pets are always freaking out. Sad but true, you’re going to have to get rid of your pets. Selling them isn’t good enough. Nope, you need to ritually sacrifice your pets to the spirit(s) haunting your home. The more you love your pet before you kill it, the happier the ghost(s) will be and, in return, the happier you’ll be in your home.

Doing the same thing with your children yields even better results, but requires much more time and effort to do. Just stick with the pets.

/\|/. Have sex
Ghosts are not only assholes, but huge perverts. Now, one of the good things is if your spouse turns out to possessed, they may be possessed by a famous person. How cool would it be to learn about history from Abraham Lincoln while simultaneously nailing your loved one? It’s like a ménage à trois with no risk of after cheating because it’s your spouse’s body! “Four score, and I’m about to cum!”

Ghosts will always be watching you have sex. They may or may not participate, but they will be watching. Just be prepared for the occasional ghost pinky in your butthole. At least…they’ll say it’s a pinky…
 
 
7. Getting rid of your ghost(s)
Why would you do this? There’s no reason to. Besides, there is no getting rid of them. You’ll have to move. Oh, but sometimes they move with you.


So there you have it! An easy guide to survive living in a haunted house. Now you know…and knowing is like five tenths the battle!

My GTA online Character Diary #3

Originally posted on Inside the mind of Wyldfyre1:

Dear Diary,

I was at the Airport with my friend Sunrie today and we were pretty much messing around. Driving around the air port. I Thought i would be kinda funny and poured a lot of gasoline around an airplane to perhaps set it on fire. Yeah, I can be quite the firebug when I wanna be but the cops don’t seem to care unless something explodes so why does it matter?

Anyway, I had noticed that the actual stream of gasoline was really close to my buddy’s motorcycle. Well I shot it hoping to blow up the plane and Sunrie realized his bike was on fire. All i could hear was “OH MY GOD!” as he drives off quickly hoping that the wind would put out the fire. All i could see in the distance was fire moving quickly and then I hear “stop, drop, and roll” from the…

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Real Life Trolling: Includes an actual bridge


Working in a restaurant can suck. Unlike in the movies, it isn’t the constant bed swap with everyone who works there. Sure, that happens, but it’s not one blur of an orgy I’d like it to be. There’s the long hours, little pay, and you always go home smelling like you rolled around in every mix of spice before deep frying yourself. Luckily, anytime someone wants any “thing” to relax, one person or another has it. Granted, it’s not all bad. Even for a cook.

Just so you guys remember, I’m in pretty good shape, but I chain smoke, and like to drink my beer as if it were grape Kool-Aide in south central Los Angeles. In other words, I down that shit like I had to keep my veins filled. I’ve got plenty of tattoos and a naturally sour disposition, so working in the restaurant is just perfect for me. The staff is generally as bitter as I am, but we like to have our fun by teasing each other.

If you’ve ever worked in a restaurant before, you know how there are certain rituals/routines you do, especially the late shift. My routine consisted of grabbing a 24 pack of cheap beer and meeting with the rest of the closers under a bridge crossing over the city river. We hang out, drink, make out, get high, and at least one “couple” gets a fuck or two in. It’s a great way to blow off steam, and generally speaking, no one bothers us since no one ever goes down there. Hell, we’re not even supposed to be down there, but whatever. Fuck the pigs. They would never be able to chase us all down, anyway.

Well on this particular night I was going to end up being alone. Most of the closing shift was also going to open, and those who didn’t either had class the next morning or other plans. “Fuck it,” I thought to myself, “No reason to waste a perfectly good spring night, right?” So, I took my beer and headed to the hang out spot, tucked myself up under the bridge, pulled my bandana lower on my brow, lit up a cigarette and cracked open a beer. I relished that beer. The dinner service was a night bred by the unholy sexcapade between the Twilight Zone and Satan’s asshole. I’m not kidding…it was odd, hot, and annoying. I closed my eyes, taking a long drag and slowly exhaled, imagining the smoke itself was all of the stress for the day…no, the god damn week escaping my body. As tranquility and the start of a buzz slowly began to set over me, as at this time I was eight beers in, my peace was disturbed by one of the most annoying sounds I have ever heard.

Have you ever heard SpongeBob SquarePants laugh, but with an odd Boston accent followed by guffaws belched out by retarded hicks trying to sound like they are 50 Cent? Be glad you haven’t, because my blood pressure instantly raised. The fact I hadn’t realized they were coming to my location wasn’t annoying enough, their laughing and voices did. Their echoed cackles off the concrete pierced my ears like a thousand rusty nails making it impossible, for the moment, for me to hear what they then continued to chatter on about. I remained in my perch, waiting for them to say something to me as they came under the bridge, but they didn’t. Instead, they stopped directly next to the edge of the concrete ledge and sat down. I realized at that moment, they had no idea I was there. So, I stayed quiet, and sipped on my beer.

Just so you know, the concrete spillway, which everyone called a river, was normally pretty close to empty. Thanks to an unusual amount of seasonal rain, the water was only about two feet below the edge. The water looked cold, but was obviously not flowing very fast…at least noticeably on the surface. I’m sure there was some undertow at work, but I’m not a fucking water scientist, so I don’t know. I’d just assume the water would be uncomfortable to swim in.

When my ears regained the ability to hear sounds again, I learned their names. Well, I kind of did. The obvious leader of the pack was named Chuck. The only reason I know this is because his little rat friend kept calling him “Chuck”. I’m not kidding…it was “Chuck” this and “Chuck” that, and “Okay, Chuck!” there, and “That’s funny, Chuck!” here. One thing was immediately obvious to me: I hated Chuck with all of my being. He was a huge piece of shit who got off on the little bit of power he had over that little rat faced punk and the girl. The douche bag wore a mostly white wife beater. The reason I say “mostly” is due to the yellow marks under the arm holes, which could be seen even in the terrible light provided by the over head street lamps. He accented the high taste in clothing by wearing pants sagged below his ass, where his red and blue stripped boxer shorts were visible. For shoes? Flip flops. Yeah…

The girl, who had an obvious red dye job and wore a tank top two sizes too tight and cut off shorts three sizes too small, was named “Bitch”. I don’t know if that was her actual name, but it’s all Chuck ever called her. The little rat faced bastard never referred to her as anything. She was also the source of the most offensively stereotypical Boston accent I had ever heard. At first I thought she was just pretending, but the more she talked the more I realized it never changed. Her voice always sucked, and almost the only thing she did was tell Chuck how great he was or repeat something he said, followed by that fucking SpongeBob laugh. If she wasn’t with these two dumb asses and didn’t have that voice, I’d have been more than happy to ruin her plumbing. That voice, though…eesh. The mere thought of her sex screams with that voice kept my penis softer than a feather.

Oh, and last but not least was Steve, also known as “dumb fuck / twat / dip shit / retard / faggot”, according to Chuck. “Bitch” was the only one to ever call him Steve, so I figure that was his God given name, not Chuck’s nicknames for him. From what I could tell, this kid was a bit younger than both Chuck and “Bitch”, but he was obviously smarter than both combined. What he was doing with both of them, I don’t know, but he always made sure not to correct Chuck or “Bitch” at any point during the conversation. Several times he had the look on his face which could be read as, “That’s…not right…but he’s the leader and she’s fucking him so I’ll be quiet!” Hell, he even dressed what I could consider “normal”. Because of his submissiveness, however, I hated him almost as much as Chuck, but not quite as much as “Bitch”…by a hair.

Yes, I had briefly thought about leaving, but since they didn’t know I was there, I figured there was no point. Over the course of about an hour, I drank the rest of my beer and watched the spectacle of the bottom of the gene pool in front of me. These geniuses discussed everything from the uber important “faggot ass cops” to “just print more money”. To say I was in awe would be an overstatement. It’s when Chuck announced he had to “take a mean fucking piss” things got interesting. Instead of going elsewhere, Chuck stood straight up, dropped his pants around his ankles, and began to pee into the water. At least at first.

See, Chuck was proving he was a big boy. With his hands on his hips, Chuck leaned backwards while pissing and let out this, “Argh wahahahahah argh!” Both Steve and “Bitch” laughed and cheered him on. In a move taken straight out of a German porn, Chuck turned toward Steve and began pissing on him. Steve did his best to block the stream from his face, but it wasn’t very effective. Whipping to the side, Chuck then began to piss on “Bitch”. Surprisingly, “Bitch” did nothing to get out of the way. Apparently she was used to being marked as territory, because she just laughed. I had enough at this point. It was time to take action.

I became a man with a mission. Deeply sucking in the last of my cigarette, I blew it out like a steam powered train before pulling my bandana over my mouth like a wild west bandit. I charged down the little hill towards them. They were still completely oblivious to my presence. I had the element of surprise!

For no reason I can fathom, perhaps fueled by my increasing inebriation, as I neared them I screamed out, “COBRA!!!!!” I was possessed by the 1980’s cartoon G.I. Joe enemies, guided by the dark hand of Cobra commander. Again, I don’t know why, but it just felt so right. It also had the desired effect of scaring the shit out of all three of them. I mean, three wannabe wiggers hanging out under a bridge at two in the morning suddenly being charged by a man in a bandana over his face is scary shit.

Chuck spun around in fear, the last bit of piss soaking his boxers and pants. He tried in vain to reach down in order to pull his pants up, but I was too fast. I jumped in the air and, using both knees against his upper body while pushing his head back with my arms, I knocked Chuck into the water. His, “WHAT THE FUCK!” was cut short as he hit the water hard. “Bitch” managed to stand and begin to run, but my main focus was Steve at this point, who was trying to scramble to his feet. I grabbed Steve by a fist full of hair, punched him in the ribs, and then threw him into the water as well, right next to Chuck. Before I could admire my work for too long, I realized “Bitch” was getting away. Like the mighty toro, I charged after her, cocked my hand back, and smacked her so hard on the ass I literally knocked her off her feet. She got a good foot or so of air as she grabbed her backside and screamed about her ass as she hit the floor. The funniest part about cracking her on the ass that hard, besides the extremely loud echo from the impact of my hand on her little butt, was how she screamed. Her accent made it sound something akin to, “Moyi awwss!”

Laughing, I beat back in the other direction, and saw Chuck desperately trying to get out of the water, but failing to do so due to his pants keeping him from pulling himself up. Steve, however, showed that small sign of intelligence and swam down stream a few yards where the ledge was shorter. It was a sign of independence and thought which would no doubt get him a severe beating by Chuck later, since Chuck saw Steve getting out of the water and began swimming his direction. Just as Steve got out of the water completely, I body slammed him back into the water, right on top of Chuck’s head. I continued to laugh as I ran towards the exit and my car. The entire time, I could hear Chuck screaming how he was going to find me and murder my family. Good luck with that buddy.

The moment I got in my car, I heard sirens in the distance. I am certain they weren’t coming for us, but I wanted to take no chances, and floored my Impala as hard as I could. That rebuilt LT1 growled to life as my tires smoked before gaining traction. All the way home I laughed. It was the best sleep and time under that bridge I had in a long time…and that includes all the fucking I had done there previously.

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NC sheriff urges residents to arm themselves

Sunrie:

Even the cops say you need to arm yourself

Originally posted on myfox8.com:

LILLINGTON, N.C. — The Harnett County sheriff expressed concern Monday evening about a recent spike of violent crime, and he’s even told residents to start arming themselves.

WTVD-TV reported that more than 100 people packed the sanctuary of the Spring Hill United methodist Church Monday Night for a community meeting on crime. There has been an explosion of violence and crime in the area, especially in the last few weeks.

Sheriff Larry Rollins told the crowd that the violence is fueled by gangs and drugs. He urged everyone to protect themselves, saying he doesn’t go anywhere without a gun.

“When I am out with my family, even though I am a cop, I don’t go anywhere without a gun,” Rollins told the crowd. “I mean it’s sad we have to have that attitude, but I am going to protect myself and my family. I want my deputies at your house…

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Helping Parents Understand Their Gamer Child


Does your child play a lot of videgames and you just can’t seem to connect to them? Are you attempting to understand games more so you can relate? Is your intention to understand the “videogame culture”? Well, you’ve come to the right place. My intention for this entry is to help parents, and others, how to understand the niche world of videogames. You’ll learn how to understand the Entertainment Software Rating Board (ESRB) and the different terminology used in reference to different things having to do with videogames.

Entertainment Software Rating Board (ESRB)
We’ll start off with one of the most confusing, complicated, and worthless of information: the ESRB.

The ESRB is a board of random people who volunteer, much like the Motion Picture Association of America (MPAA). Developers submit their game to the board and, based off a list of items, decide what the game will be rated at. While there is no law mandating a game be submitted to be ESRB, just like no law requires an MPAA rating for a movie, most “brick-and-mortar” retailers will not carry videogames without one.

On the back of every game is the ESRB rating.

Unlike the MPAA, the ESRB is a confusing system. See, while the MPAA is very obvious with ratings such as G, PG, PG-13, NC-17 (same as an R rating…so….), R, and X/XX/XX with no additional information as to why these are rated the way they are, the ESRB not only puts the rating on the box such as E (everyone), E10+, T (teen), M (mature), and AO (Adult Only), they also put all the reasons why a game is rated the way it is.

So much information is always confusing. I mean, how can you understand a game rating when it says E10+ and lists comedic violence, animated blood, and crude humor as well? Shouldn’t it just be like the MPAA where a rating is given with no explanation? After all, an R rating is an R rating with no difference between movies. The 40 Year Old Virgin is the same R rating as The Expendables, so they are obviously rated R for the same reasons.

Actually…just ignore the rating system all together. It’s worthless. Buy any game you want and never ask questions.
 
 
General Slang
Gamers use a lot of slang in reference to many things in the culture. While some slang is similar to words used by the vast majority of others, the meanings are not the same. It is important to remember that. Also, this is not an all inclusive list. What I have here are the most important ones.

Gamer
The term “gamer” is hotly debated amongst the gaming community. Some people argue the fact someone plays any videogame makes them a gamer, that is not the accepted definition. The general consensus on the term “gamer” is the following:

Any person who’s main hobby is playing a wide variety of videogame genres in lieu of other activities

So, if your child only plays Skylanders, they aren’t a gamer, they are just playing a game. If your child is only playing Call of Duty: Ghosts, not only do they have poor choices in games, they are not a gamer, they just play a game.

FPS
Said as the individual letters, this one is another confusing term. If the game in question has to do with shooting brown people until they stop moving, then it means “First Person Shooter”. If FPS is in reference to how well the game is running, it means “Frames Per Second”.

Clan
Not to be confused with the Klan (KKK), a clan is a group of players who play together either for fun or competition against other clans. This is a micro-community within the minor-community (game specific). If your child has a small series of letters, between three and four, before their gaming name, chances are they are part of a clan.

This is all healthy and expected among many players in certain types of games. FPS, for example, have a heavy reliance on clans. So do massive multiplayer online (detailed further down) games. Don’t worry, there have only been sixteen recorded instances of mass suicides in regards to gaming clans.

MMO
It’s not a sound a cow makes! Just like FPS, this is said as the individual letters and means “massive multiplayer online”. Generally these games are role-playing games set in a fantasy or science fiction universe.

Most of the appeal of an MMO comes from pretending you’re a strong/important person if you’re worthless, pretending you’re a female when you’re a male, and pretending you’re an underage girl if you’re the FBI. For some people, the allure of interaction with others without any of the actual interaction is a draw. As for the games…they consist of running from town to a far off area, collecting something, bringing it back, and doing so for the next 300 hours all for a $15 a month price tag just to play.

Lag
Lag is a massive delay in what is happening in the game to what you are seeing. It’s also known as “God damn fucking bullshit / Fuck this shit / What the fuck / Fucking lag / I’ll fucking kill these fucking fuckholes”.

Lag is to gaming what Colorado drivers are to the road: Ruins the experience of being there.

Gamer Specific Slang
Now on to more specific gamer slang. Just like before, this is not an all inclusive list, and is just a list to help you on your way.

Noob
Someone who is new and is terrible at the game. Noobs can make a team lose by the simple act of being present on the team. There are even times when people have tens of hours into a game and they are still noobs.

Ignore anyone calling someone a noob because they are using a certain strategy which is working against them. They’re idiots.

Squeaker
A young child who’s voice sounds like a dog’s squeaking toy every time they open their mouths, making people’s ears figuratively, and sometimes actually, bleed. No one likes a squeaker. If your child hasn’t gone through puberty yet, take the microphone away from them. Chances are, they’re just calling people niggers anyway.

Bear
Bears are people who like to focus on MMO’s. Regardless of what character type and gender a person is playing, if they play MMO’s as their main form of videogame entertainment, they are a bear.

There are different kinds of bears, too:

  • Brown Bear
    -Someone who enjoys playing as an animal tamer

  • Black Bear
    -Someone who enjoys playing as a girl when they’re a boy

  • Sticky Bear
    -Someone who enjoys playing as a boy when they’re a girl

  • Honey Bear
    -Someone who enjoys playing as a thief

  • Golden Bear
    -FBI pretending to be an underage girl

Should your child like to dress up as a bear, they aren’t a “bear” in the gamer sense…they’re a “fur fag”, which is totally different.

Faggot
Remember when I said some words are similar, but have different meanings? This is one of them! The word faggot refers to anyone who is cheating in the game. Usually when asked, “What is wrong?” after hearing someone screaming about “This fucking faggot!!!”, they will say, “Someone’s hacking!” Hacking and cheating are pretty much the same thing, and faggot means someone doing either of them.

When used in the gaming culture, faggot does not have anything to do with homosexuality. Gamers don’t care if another gamer is gay, only if they are black. This is why the word nigger means exactly the same thing, but faggot does not. FOR SOME REASON, GAMERS HATE BLACK PEOPLE.

Power Top
Players in an FPS can be extremely aggressive. While not abnormal, the most aggressive and in charge players are known as “power tops”.

Power tops generally want to always be number one in the game, be the reason their team was rallied to victory, and lead the squad or team. A power top will be the one most likely pointing out the faggots, yelling at the noobs, and calling out people for simply sucking badly. If your child exhibits these behaviors, chances are they are a power top and will appreciate being called one.
 
 
What You Can do to Get in With Your Kid
Kids crave attention, and if they aren’t getting it from you, they’re going to get it from the guy the FBI is trying to catch.

At the very least you should watch them from a distance at first. As you learn more about their gaming habits, you can start to encroach a little more each time. Eventually you’ll want to be sitting down with them and either just watch them or play.

As you slowly make your way into their world, make references to how they are a power top, or a bear, or how the faggots are ruining the game for them. It goes a long way to a gamer when a parent shows understanding and interest in their hobbies. They don’t expect you to join them, they just want your acceptance.

If you do decide to join them, however, you’re in for a treat! The easiest way to do so in get on a gaming console and become their friend under a gaming alias. Gaming as a family provides hours of entertainment and valuable family time. If you do go the alias route, only reveal yourself when you feel they’re ready.

If You Decide You Like Gaming
Gaming is as addictive as highly refined cocaine, some psychologists want you believe, so caution must be taken. There are many tales of people losing their minds and lives mid game for reasons science is still researching.

One case in point is of the woman to the right. Her name is Alexandra Tobias and she is serving six life sentences for the mutilation of her three year old daughter. Alexandra was so lost in the fantasy of playing Dig Dug, she lost all hold of reality. Taking a rubber hose, she put it into her daughter’s mouth and blew her up like a balloon. The scene was so devastating and grotesque, several first responders committed suicide just days after witnessing it.

Another case is James Rolf. What happened? Well, James Rolf was so obsessed with beating the game Dr. Jykell and Mr. Hyde he wouldn’t eat, sleep or bathe. Finally, after a two week marathon of gaming, he dropped dead from exhaustion, only two screens from his goal.
 
 
Conclusion
Watch yourself and start getting some time with your child. If you can manage the addictive nature of the gaming, you’re in for a long life of happiness!

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Hickenlooper clarifies remarks to sheriffs: ‘I’d sign the magazine ban again’

Sunrie:

Time to fire this fuck!

Originally posted on kdvr.com:

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DENVER — Under fire from both Republicans and Democrats over his effort to appease a group of Colorado’s sheriffs still steamed about the state’s new gun laws, Gov. John Hickenlooper said Friday that he hasn’t changed his tune and still supports the controversial ban on high-capacity magazines.

In his first interview on the subject, Hickenlooper told FOX31 Denver that he wasn’t aware he was being filmed last Friday during a meeting with the sheriffs in Aspen when he appeared to backpedal on the magazine ban, agreeing with one sheriff that it was unenforceable and telling the group that he didn’t expect the legislation to even make it to his desk.

The remarks, he said Friday, were an effort to apologize to sheriffs who felt their voices weren’t heard during last year’s legislative process, not a disavowal of the magazine ban itself.

“I didn’t say it’s unenforceable, I…

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How To: Youtube Gaming Channel!


Youtube Gaming Channel

Over the years YouTube has gone from being a place to illegally upload full episodes of TV shows broken into five minute segments, to webcams of fat idiots demanding moronic changes in society, to softcore jailbait porn, to people’s jobs thanks to profit sharing. Money is king and YouTube is like a duke or duchess, or something, and now you can make all kinds of money if you have the know how by making videos.

If you want to get into this profitable business, you need the skills to make a video, get likes and subscribers. This is easier said than done, but that’s where your soft lap Uncle Sunrie comes in. Come on over and sit on my lap as I slowly rub your back and give you the tools necessary to succeed! Just don’t tell anyone. This’ll be our secret, okay?

Unlike some of my other How To Guides, this is a complete lesson. Obviously this is free of charge, just like the others.

As always, links will open in a separate window. Before you read on, here’s an example on how it all should look:


Video on YouTube. SMASH THOSE LIKES!


Purpose of this Guide
For this guide, we’re going to focus on making a specific type of successful channel on YouTube: Gaming.

There are many types of gaming channels on YouTube. These channels consist of the following types:

  • Let’s Play
  • Prediction
  • Funny/Fail Moment Montages
  • Stunt Montages
  • Impressions
  • Strategies
  • Review

Because there is a lot of cross over with each style, no matter what you do, you’re going to want the format shown in this guide.
 
 
Profit sharing and sponsors
Before you actually begin, make sure you turn on the profit sharing option in your YouTube account. This will ensure you not only get money based on clicks, views, subscriptions, and likes, you’ll also have an ad on your movie before it actually plays.

These ads will be anywhere between 15 seconds (and unable to be skipped) to four minutes or longer (able to be skipped after 15 seconds). This is how you’re getting paid, and the longer the ads in front of your movie, the more you’ll make. You’re going to be so popular, it won’t matter how long the ad is to your video, since people will be falling all over your genitals just because you uploaded something. Trust me, they’ll wait and they’ll like it!

Sadly, though, YouTube has changed they way they’ve done profit sharing and the amount has come down quite a bit. Don’t worry, you can always get sponsors. When you do, they’ll require you to have a certain content rating for your videos. That’s just life of a profit sharing, money making, YouTube artist like yourself, though.

For your sponsors, make sure you not only put in at least a picture of one of their products, if not another short video, explaining who they are, what they do, what’s being sold, and any special discounts the viewer will get by adding coupon codes to their purchase on the sponsor’s website. These short ads should be at least thirty seconds long, and up to 1.5 minutes.
 
 
Have a badass animated opening
You need to capture people attention, and the absolute best way to do that is to have a long, killer animated opening sequence. How do you? Follow the advice below! Make sure this happens AFTER all ads and sponsor information, though.

Special Effects
Don’t chince on the special effects. This should have more over production than a Michael Bay movie! Lens flare, flashing colors, animated words, and pounding music. For extra credit, make sure something in the opening sequence pulses in time with the music playing.

Music
Use something either everyone or no one has ever heard of. Forget if you have permission to use the song on your profit sharing channel or not, this is the Internet and you don’t need permission, right?

The type of music you use should be something ear pounding and/or extremely annoying. Use the absolute most over modulated, poorly optimized dubstep you can find. Alternatively, use scream metal. An example of that is Schatten Aus Der Alexander Welt. Drive home the point you’re extreme and awesome!
 
 
Content
Now it’s time to start some kind of content, but not the actual promised content itself. No, you have to beg first, since everyone loves a person begging before the content of the video actually starts.

An astrix marks something which is optional.

Showing yourself*
This is totally optional. Face reveals are sometimes good, but it doesn’t matter. If you’re going to show yourself, though, there are a few rules to follow to ensure you’re going to do it correctly.

Lots of empty white space behind you
You don’t want to have a nice backdrop and you don’t want to be zoomed in too close to yourself. Make sure your head takes up about half the screen width and almost the entire height, but leave a little so your skull isn’t cut off. Remember, the less going on behind you, the more focused people are on you.

Huge ass microphone*
Nothing says you’re a serious speaker like having a microphone the size of something from the 1920’s Radio Music Hall with a wind screen bigger than your face.

Headphone microphone*
If you don’t have a huge ass microphone, make sure you’re doing the responsible thing and using a microphone on your headsets. keep it extremely close to your mouth so every breath you take is recorded and every word is over buzzed when excited.

Huge headphones
Just like having a big mic, make sure when you’re showing yourself, you have massive headphones on. Why would you have headphones one? Who the hell cares! What’s important is you have them on, showing you’re serious about recording!

Huge ass smile and bouncing around
Whenever you’re showing your face, make sure you bounce around a lot and always have a grin on your face like you just screwed someone’s daughter while her parents were in the living room and you were both in the bathroom.

Sitting still means you’re bored and if you’re bored, people will see you as boring. Always sway back and forth, make spastic movments (a la Avril Lavigne’s video Hello Kitty). So, pretty much move like Michael J. Fox without his medication while starring as the creepy little girl from The Ring.

Messy hair, unshaven – Overweight*
Nothing says “ARTIST!” like seeming as if you don’t give a fuck about how you look. Make sure your hair isn’t done up, you have a five o’clock (or later) shadow, you’re over 25 and you aren’t really that skinny. Oh, and wear “Dad” clothing even if you aren’t a parent.

Punk inspired hair done neatly, shaven, nice clothing – Skinny*
If you aren’t any of the previous, do it right and make sure you’re auditioning for a modern day Beatles band membership. You want to be super clean cut, with a somewhat hipster style hairdo, and wear clothing from places such as American Eagle. Try to look even younger than you are, and be “oh so cool”.

Begging and delaying
Before any other content aside from your ads, sponsor information, and intro begins, it’s time to now beg. What will you be begging for? Check out below!

Thank people for watching
Start off by thanking people for watching, even though they haven’t watched anything of value yet. This lulls them into a false sense of safety, promise of content, and makes them feel welcome.

Subscribers
You’ll want to instantly go into asking for people to subscribe to your channel. Promise them content, based on likes (more detail below) and subscribes. Talk about how many you currently have and then reference how many you want to have. Tell them how it only takes a moment of their time while they’re watching. I mean, hey, they aren’t actually watching anything yet and so it should be no big deal to scroll down and hit that subscribe button.

Reference your last video
Talk about how well the last video did and thank people for liking it. Reference the link in your description and in your video on how to view it. If you want more likes on it, then tell people to go to it and click that like button.

Now let’s talk about those “likes”.

Likes
Talk about how many likes your last video had and how you want more likes on that video, and the desire to beat the last video with likes on this video.

Promise people if they like this video with X amount of likes, then you’ll upload another video. Beg people to “mash/smash/trash/hammer/etc” that like button in order to drive the likes up to the desired level.

Sharing
Now’s the time to start telling people to share your channel and/or video with other people in order to get even more subscribers and likes. Tell them to share it with everyone they know and have them tell anyone they share the video with to not only like it, but subscribe to the channel as well.

Get them to go onto other channels and link to your videos. You’re going to be doing this yourself as well, but it never hurts to have all your subscribers bomb other videos in order to drive more traffic to your channel, which results in more likes and subscribes.

Talking
You’ll need to do a lot of talking. There is a proper and improper way of doing this to make your channel popular.

Mispronounce common words
When you talk, make sure you say common words incorrectly. The more common and basic a word, the more you have to screw up with how you say it. For example, instead of saying “word” start saying “worb”.

If it’s something to do with a game, such as a proper name, no matter how many times the in-game voice actors say the name, use the wrong pronunciation. Who cares if the creators and original dialect don’t say it the way you do. Fuck them. For example, say “Die ah bLow’ instead of “Dee Awb low” when talking about the series Diablo. Or even the now common, “Bet ah field” instead of “Battle Field” for the Battlefield series.

The more you screw up what you’re saying the better.

Have an accent which is an insult to your region*
This is most important for anyone who is from England. People like a British accent, but even if your version of the accent is the spawn of Satan himself, make sure you talk over everything. The worst you sound, the better for these videos.

If you’re a kid, talk extremely fast with your high pitched voice*
Just like the British accent, the one thing people can’t get enough is a squeaker. There are bonus points here for being a squeaker and having a such a terrible accent you’re almost unintelligible.

Talk over absolutely 100% of the video
As the video plays, you’re going to want to talk over 100% of it. Doesn’t matter if the audio is important or anything like that, just keep talking and don’t stop.

Remember, if you’re doing a Funny/Fail Montage, the video isn’t what people want to see and laugh about, it’s your endless commentary on the subject matter. Don’t let the video stand on its own, because it can’t. You’re funny, not the funny moment.

Ramble on before getting to what’s going on*
You’ll want to ramble on about random things, like someone making you banana bread. Don’t actually talk about the video right away. That cuts down on your video time and that is stupid.

Get distracted by in-game content*
If you’re talking about something in the game or even if you’re doing a montage of some kind, you’ll want to be distracted by things going on in the game, which has nothing to do with what your video is about.

For instance, if you’re talking about a glitch in Skyrim, just randomly start screaming at the NPC’s who are walking by and saying scripting comments. Don’t just focus on what you’re doing, go out of your way to add extra things! People will see this as an added value and not a detraction or annoyance in anyway.

The Clip
The clip or clips you’re showing shouldn’t be any longer than 35 to 45 seconds for actual content. The longer you spend doing everything else, the shorter the content should actually need to be.

For instance, if you’re talking about how to upgrade a skill in Grand Theft Auto: Online, the clip showing how to do it should take about five minutes, when the explanation is actually only about 15 seconds. This is all helped to be stretched out because of what was discussed in “Talking”, so you shouldn’t have an issue at this point.

If you are doing just a quick clip, make sure it’s very quick. Your introduction and ads should be longer than the actual video you want to show.
 
 
Outtro
The outtro is just as important as your intro. If you don’t get this right, you’re going to lose potential subscribers.

Act like it was the best video ever
You must keep up the excitement so people will want to watch more from you. Say something like, “Wow, wasn’t that freaking amazing?!” Then go onto the rest.

Thank people again
Don’t forget to thank your views once again for watching the video. If you don’t, they won’t feel loved after the quick video they just watched and will have forgotten you already thanked them.

Begging
Once again, beg and delay the credits. Remind them to subscribe, like, and comment once again. Don’t forget to tell them to send it out to all their friends and link to the video in other people’s videos.

Credits
These should be a single, static frame which lasts for all of five seconds before the end of the video. There should be no music and no voice over, either.
 
 
Promoting
You need to get your channel out there. Don’t leave it all up to your subscribers, whom you begged, to do it for you. Get out there on every other gaming channel and promote the hell out of your channel. Tell them how you make better ones or ones just as funny and link to yourself. Take it to Twitter and Facebook as well.

Do this three, four, ten times a day on each and every channel on as many of their videos as you can! It’s not spam if it’s content!


Well, there you have it! This comprehensive guide is your gateway to YouTube fame. The success or failure of using this guide is up to you. Follow it, and you’ll go places, kid. You’ll go places. Places I tell you. Places.